Into the Wild Green Yonder Pt. 4

  • Season 5, Ep 516
  • 08/30/2009

Leela must put her blind trust in Fry to save the ecosystem that Leo Wong seeks to destroy.

Oye, oye, oye!

All rise for the HonorableChief Justice D-O-double-G

and the associate justices.

(Sal grunts)

CHIEF JUSTICE DOGG:Yo, seat it or beat it.

The charges against y'allFemditos is murder, mayhem,

vandalism, kidnapping,

and resisting arrest.

Damn, the big five!

You may nowmake your opening

what-you-gots-to-say-for-yourselves.

May it please the court...

(gavel bangs)

I mean, may it plizzlethe cazizzle.

Proceed.

These charges are outrageous.

Our only goal wasto save a rare violet star

and its precious ecosystem.

If protecting the environmentis a crime, then...

Protecting the environment is a crime.

(clears throat):I rest my mouth.

Do you swear to tellthe whole truth

and nothingbut the truth?

I, uh, well, now I...

(clears throat):Am I under oathwhen I take the oath?

JUSTICE GINSBURG:Can the witness identifythe Feminista leader?

That's her right there,

with the "I'm gonna kill youBender" look in her eye.

Hey, aren't you the robot

who robbed meat gunpoint last year?

No further answers,Your Honor.

Please, Justice Dogg,

Leela and her friendsare completely innocent.

Hold up.Were you or were you not

abducted by these hos?

Well, uh,

"abducted"is such an ugly word.

(synthesized beatsover headphones)

♪ Ah, yeah,mmm, mmm, mm-mmm. ♪

Having heardsome of the testimony

over these jamsI been listening to,

me and my crew will nowkick it in the mix.

(clicking, whirring)

(electricity crackling)

(gasping)

(chuckles)

(bones cracking)Hey! Hey!

(electricity crackling)

A'ight, we got us a verdictup in this high court.

Bailiff, drop it likeit's legal precedent.

In the matter of Leo Wong

v. the Greeñorita Ecofeminist Collective,

four justicesvote to convict,

five to acquit.

(cheering)

However, since the vote

was strictlyalong gender lines,

and the female justices' votesonly count half,

you are hereby found guilty.

(groaning)

It's a humiliatingand biased system.

But it works.

"Fitty" years in the maximumsecurity dogghouse.

(gavel bangs)

(cell door clangs shut)Ladies!

Welcome to hell.

Beats Nutleyon a Saturday night.

This is a privately-owned,for-profit prison,

and I run a tight, cheap ship.

I've done this bycutting costs everywhere,

especially on punishment.

I rely on you inmates

to make prisonunpleasant for yourselves.

You're encouraged to sexuallyharass new prisoners,

organize no-holds-barredcatfights,

and maintain poor hygiene.

Try and make me, copper.

Oh, a troublemaker.

(laughs)

Taste the lash of my99 Cent Store nightstick!

(nightstick squeaks)

Yee-ha!

With the Feministas in jail,

it full speed ahead.

Ah, you and me, Fry.

We implode the violetdwarf star tomorrow.

Kaboom-boom!

Y-You and me?Yeah.

Tomorrow?Tomorrow.

Kaboom?Kaboom-boom!

(explosion thunders)

(evil laughter)

Hello? Madfellows?

I need to...

(groans, thuds)

Okay.

Leo Wong's about todestroy the violet dwarf,

so whatever I need to knowto stop him, tell me now.

Alas, stopping Wongisn't the only problem.

One of the Dark Ones will tryto stop you from stopping him.

So you must stop itfrom stopping you

from stopping him.

But how can I stop itstop me stop him?

Stop it!

Behold, the Omega Device.

(murmuring)FRY:That's it?

The important thingis what's inside.

What does that look like?

No one knows, man.

It was inventedby a blind inventor,

and the one dudehe described it to was deaf.

So the legend goes.

When activated,the device will emit

a localized blastof delta-band noise

to momentarily disablethe Dark One.

But the Dark One could look likeanything or anyone, right?

Or anywhere.

So what's your planto recognize it?

We don't have one.

Got it.

And we don't dare thinkof one, neither,

'cause if we do,the Dark Ones might sense

kind of the general vibe,even through our mighty foil.

(foil tears)

Oh, man!

Anyone got some tapeor some gum?

As my colleague indicated,

the plan cannotcome from us, Fry.

We were counting on youand your unreadable brain

to come up with something.

That was a mistake.

I see that now.

Freaky thing is,the Dark Ones' thoughts

are unreadable,just like yours.

Yes, if we daredunwrap our heads,

we could easily locatethe one other being

whose mind we can'tread: the Dark One!

But then the Dark Onewould read our minds

and crush 'em likeblood pumpkins.

Wait. I can read minds,

and my mind can't be read!

I have a plan.

Great! Whatever it is,don't tell us.

Wait. Fry can read minds,

and his mind can't be read.

So he could safely scanfor the Dark One,

Shut up! Shut up!whose mind is, you know...

MADFELLOWS:La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lala-la-la...

(nail file scratching,water sloshing)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Leela, time is running out.

We must get to the violet star.

Okay, okay,shut up already!

What?Huh?

Nobody's talking, Leela.

We're just paintingeach other's toenails

with rat blood.

We now go live to Leelawith the escape plan.

Leela?Thanks, Linda.

Now we're in herebecause we tried

to save endangered wildlife.

So this time, endangeredwildlife will save us.

(all gasping, murmuring)

The Martian muck-leech!

(moans)

Little cutiealmost sucked me dry.

(Leela groaning)

(sighs)

(slurping)

(Feministas cheering)

Look at him go,like a green snake

through a sugarcane cake.

HERMES (on cell phone):Keep trying.

(shaking)

(spray-paint hissing)

(retching)

Our top story:

The universe's most wantedecofeminists

are now behind bars,including gang leader

Turanga Leela,aka the Notorious B.I. Itch.

We finished unpinkingthe ship, Hubert.

Now what?

Now we get back to work!

And if that means destroying

an ecosystem or two,so be it!

I just meant,without our good friends

Fry, Leela, Amy,and the robot...

Oh, boo-hoo.

(a la Karl in Sling Blade ):Life goes on, but I believe

we'll forever carrythe pain on the inside.

(slurps)

Mmm-hmm.

(crowing)

Oh, no, a rooster!

That indicatesit's the following morning!

Huh?What?Wha...?

How's that creepycrawler doing?

(snoring)I'm sorry,Femisisters,

but it pooped outaround 3:00 a.m.

Poor thing couldn'ttake another bite.

(sucking)Ow!

Well, I guess we failed.

But what matters is,we tried our best

and we looked good doing it.

(deep thud)

(all gasping, screaming)

Bender?

Who's it look like,my identical cousin Buster?

Yes!(all cheering)

You're here to break us out?

But you're the onewho put us in.

Ah, but I'm Bender,king of the combination shot.

I put you inso that by busting you out,

I could commit15 felonies at once,

putting my rap sheetmiles ahead of yours

on the all-time chart.

You are onedevious bastard.

That's what it sayson my vanity plate.

What about the sentries?

(groaning):Gee-- Oh...!

Okay, plan B.

Everyone knows menhave one fatal weakness:

they can't resist hookers.

Dixie, Trixie,You know what to do.

(falsetto):Hello, boys!

(Bender jabbering)

Your eyes say "no,"

but your machine gunfire says...

(Bender jabbers, yells)

Ladies and gentlemenand whatever,

welcome to my mostenvironmentally disastrousimplosion ever:

a whole star system!

(cheering)

Kif, old boy, mind if Isit on your shoulders

for a better view?

Actually, sir, I was hoping...

(Kif groans)

My associate Philip Fry here,

will have honorto blow this ugly, dirty star

into nice clean black hole.

(cheering and applause)

Fry? What you doingdown there?

(clears throat)

I, uh, just polishingyour shoes, Mr. W.

(exhales, spits)

Mmm, that nice.

Get between the toes there.

Very dirty.

(siren alarm wailing)

(machine gunfire)

So much for Plan B.

What's Plan C?

All situations havethe same Plan C: bending.

Come on!

(grunting, screaming)

(grunting)

We're boned, Bender.

It's a brick wall.

Granted, it's not on the listof approved bendables, but...

(groaning with effort):I'm...

so...

great!

(dogs barking in distance)Dogs!

The boning continues!

Green Bluebird,this is Mr. Fabulous.

We are gofor cheesing it.

(dogs barking)

(yelps, howls)

(gunfire)

Professor?

Hermes?

Zoidberg?

Uh...

Scruffy, the janitor.

You helped us escape?

Even after we locked youin a go-go cage

like commongo-go dancers?

I couldn't livewith myself, Leela.

Oh, I call myselfa scientist, hmph.

Wear the white coatand probe a monkey

every now and again.

Yet I put monetary gainahead of preserving nature.

Can you ever forgive me?

I reckon.

I could kiss you,Professor.

Okay, but watch outfor my new grill.

(chiming)

(cheering and applause)

Before the "grand finally,"as it were,

it seems only fitting that I,Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan,

say a few brief pagesin honor of...

GRAND CURATOR: Whatever your plan is, Fry,

I suggest you get on with it.

Ah, shoot, I got hot sauce on my number nine shirt.

FRY: Okay, locate the Dark One

by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read.

And unaccustomed...

ZAPP: By God, I'm the greatest speaker of all time.

They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable-uh.

Allow me now...

KIF (groaning): His voice is like ear sandpaper.

I miss Amy.

(sighing): If I had all the money in the world, I'd...

Oh, wait, I do.

(evil cackling)

I'd like to thank the Academy, my agent,

and most of all, my operating system,

Windows 7, for everything it...

System error.

Naked ladies, naked ladies, naked ladies...

I never should have taken

that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan.

And so, as we"obliterize" this star,

let us remember thoseimmortal words once spoken

by a great man--

moi-- and I quote,

"All good things must cometo an end,

preferablyin a humongous explosion."

(cheering and applause)

Let's pop this beach ball.

ALL:Ten... nine...

eight...

(audience clamoring)

FRY: There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read.

No one.

Except... me.

My thoughts can't be read.

But... but that's crazy.

If I were the Dark One, I'd know it.

Wouldn't I?

But here I am, right where the Dark One would be,

about to blow up the star.

Oh, God!

Somewhere deep inside of me,

it's me!Two!

I'm the Dark One!One!

(crashing)

(all gasp)

Put your hands in the air.

(all gasp)

Should we wave 'emlike we just don't care?

That's optional.

You girl punks gonetoo far this time.

Your parentsshould be ashamed.

Yes, you should.

(gasping)Amy.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Destroy the star, Leo. Hurry.

You got it,Mr. Voice in My Head.

(howling)

Yah!

(both grunting)

Ooh!

I got to admit, Amy.

You got a pretty good swing.

Really?

Thanks, Dad.

Ooh!

Okay, time to defuse thisstar-cracker once and for all.

Leela, wait.You're making a mistake.

You have no ideawhat's really going on.

What is really going on?

I can't tell you.

Then why should I trust you?

Why?

Because... because...

You're you.

That's all I need to know.

(all protesting)

SCUFFY:Fiddlesticks.

Leela, are you crazy?

We became fugitivesand jailbreakers to stop him.

And hookers.

Don't forgethookers.

Shame on all of you.

After everythingwe've been through together,

do you really thinkFry would...?

(all gasping)

Good-bye, Leela.

I destroy myselfto save you.

(gasps)

Where's the boom?

I was expecting a boom.

It didn't work.

I'm the Dark One,and it didn't do anything.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:You're not the Dark One.

I am!

Leela?

Not Leela, you moron.

Me!

(screams)

What did you do to me?

(all gasp)

Ew...

I am the Dark One,the very last Dark One.

How is it possible Icouldn't read your mind?

Oh, I am momentarily disabled.

(thunder crashes)

(all gasp)

(gasping):What's happening out there?

Somethings wondersful.

The star and the asteroid--they were an egg and a sperm.

Great modem of mercy!

Cover the children's eyes.

There areno children here.

Then move your fat head.

I can't see.

ALL:Ah...!

The Encyclopodis reborn.

A new green agehas begun.

So the legendforetold.

Look!

Inside its pouch.

Extinct Tasmanian tigers.

AMY: And dodo birds.

LEELA: And white rhinos.

HERMES: And striped biologist-taunters.

What are you gonna do?Shoot us?

Life!

(gasping)

These once-extinct plantsand animals

are my gift to the universe.

Through untold generations,

my race has treasured their DNA.

Treat them wisely,

with the knowledgethat all species are precious.

This is unbelievable.

What's going on?

To answer that, Imust tell you a story,

a story of two alien speciesso ancient that...

(leech snarls)

(all screaming)

(grunts)

Hutch, are you okay?

My sister'sfeminecklace.

What?

Ow!

Hey, how come I can't readyour thoughts anymore?

(grunts)

ENCYCLOPOD:I shall avenge you, Hutch...

Waterfall.

(screams)

After all these eons,the Dark Ones are no more.

Will you preserve their DNA,O Great Encyclopod?

Um... I suppose I should.

Wait. Where'd it go?

(slurping)

What?

Well, at any rate,

I shall preserve the DNAof Homo sapiens.

Huh, I thought you only savedthe DNA of endangered species.

Farewell.

I guess he didn't hear me.

Well, looks likethat wraps everything up

in a nice big ol' fat sack of...

I hereby arrest you fugitiveson 53 counts of...

fugivity.

Kif, round 'em up, and spare methe weary sigh for once.

Kif?

KIF:Wait for me.

Well, this is the end.

There were so many thingsI wanted to say to you.

Like what?

Like "This isnot the end,"

but mostly just...I love you, Leela.

(loud bang)

Maybe I waited too longto say this, but...

I love you, too.

Wormhole!

Sweet topologyof cosmology.

It's huge!

If we fly into it,

it could take us trillionsof light years away.

There's no knowingif we'll ever return.

Well, what do we do?

Should we go for it?

(bottle hisses open)

Into thbreach, meatbags.

Or not.Eh, whatever.

ALL:Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go...!Go, go...!

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