Little Homie

  • Season 4, Ep 2
  • 10/01/2014

A parole officer uses a puppet to connect with convicts, a Nazi officer tells the story of the time he saw Hitler, and Levi goes steampunk.

- POLICE SAY LATE LAST NIGHT,

THEY APPREHENDEDRODNEY GULLIVAN,

AND FOUND A GUNAND NARCOTICS IN HIS TRUCK.

HE WAS CHARGED WITH POSSESSIONAND ASSAULT ON HIS FIANCEE,

AND SHE IS IN THE HOSPITALRECOVERING TONIGHT.

MEANWHILE, ANOTHER WOMAN

WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTEDBY BENJAMIN BRAIDER

OF INDIANAPOLIS.

THE UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN SUFFEREDA BROKEN RIB AND A SPLIT LIP.

SHE'S IN STABLE CONDITIONTONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR SPORTS.

CHUCK.

- GOOD MORNING.

CLIVE "DOUBLE DOWN" RUGGINS,I'M DANIEL TATE.

I AM YOUR PAROLE OFFICER,AND I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU.

- HOW THE HELL YOU SUPPOSEDTO HELP ME, MAN?

WHAT THE FUCK YOUKNOW ABOUT THE STREETS,

WHAT WITH YOUR DIPLOMASON THE WALL?

- SETTLE DOWN.

I KNOW THAT YOU MIGHT NOTBE ABLE TO RELATE TO ME,

BUT I THINK I KNOW SOMEBODY

WHO YOU CAN RELATE TO.

LITTLE HOMIE.

- WHAT UP?

WHAT UP?IT'S MY FAVORITE CLIVE.

[laughs] WHAT UP, DUDE?- NAH, DOG, LISTEN.

HEY, MAN, I AIN'T TRYINGTO TALK TO NO PUPPET, MAN.

- IT'S NOT A PUPPET.

IT'S LITTLE HOMIE,

AND I WOULD LIKEFOR YOU TO TALK TO HIM, CLIVE.

SEE, I USED TO WORK INTHE JUVENILE CORRECTION SYSTEMS,

AND I FOUNDTHIS METHOD VERY EFFECTIVE.

- I AIN'T NO JUVENILE,MAN, OKAY?

- HE'S RIGHT.

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A KIDTO YOU?

COME ON!HE'S A GROWN-ASS MAN.

- SEE? WHAT?

- LOOK, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

FOR YOUR PAROLETHAT YOU TALK TO LITTLE HOMIE.

- WHAT'S UP, LITTLE HOMIE?

- [laughs]THAT'S BETTER, MY NEGRUMPS.

HEH, WHAT YOU GETTINGINTO THESE DAYS, MAN?

WHAT IT IS? WHAT IT IS?

YOU GOT A JOB YET?

- [sighs] I'M TRYING, MAN,BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME.

- YEAH, HEY,FUCK ALL THAT NOISE, MAN.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, MAN,

AIN'T NOBODY TRYINGTO HIRE A NIGGA WITH A RECORD.

BUT HEY, MAN,WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING

IS GET BACK INTO SOME CRIMES,MANG.

- [stammers]WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

- ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?- YEAH.

- WELL, YOU SHOULD BE TALKINGTO LITTLE HOMIE RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT IS GOING ON?- YEAH, BITCH!

TALK TO ME!

LOOK AT MEWHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!

- OKAY, OKAY, FINE.

- [panting]

DAMN!

SO, YOU SMOKING WEED, NIGGA?

- NO, MAN.NO, NO, LITTLE HOMIE.

I'M DONE WITH DRUGS.

- [laughs]

SHIT.I GOT SOMETHING.

UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH.

LOOK AT THIS HERE, NEGRUMPS.

SMOKE THIS WEED!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, MAN.

I'M DONE, MAN.YOU HEAR ME?

I'M DONE WITH DRUGS.

I AIN'T DOING ALL THAT.

- I DON'T KNOW.

LITTLE HOMIESEEMS PRETTY SERIOUS ABOUT THAT.

- HERE.

- WHAT?LOOK, I'M CONFUSED, MAN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO HERE?

- WELL,I WANT YOU TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT,

BUT YOU'RE NOT TALKINGTO ME RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE TALKING TO LITTLE HOMIE.

- NOW SMOKE THAT SHIT

OR I'LL SMOKE THIS BITCHRIGHT HERE.

- OH, MY GOD.

HE'S NOT MESSING AROUND.

I THINK YOU BETTERDO WHAT HE SAYS.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.LITTLE HOMIE, MAN.

JUST RELAX, MAN.RELAX, LITTLE HOMIE.

TAKE IT EASY. I'M JUST--I'M GONNA SMOKE IT DOWN.

WAIT, WAIT,NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME, MAN.

NO, I'M DONE WITH THE WEED.

[gunshot]

OH!

- [chuckles]

CATCH, NIGGA.

[laughs]

DUMBASS!

NOW YOUR FINGERPRINTSIS ON THE WEAPON!

YOU IN THIS WITH ME NOW, RIGHT?

- OKAY, LITTLE HOMIE, YEAH.

- HMM.

- OH! OH!

- YOU FAILED THE TEST.

I HAVE NO CHOICEBUT TO REVOKE YOUR PAROLE.

- WHAT?OH, MAN.

AIN'T THIS ABOUT A BITCH?

- ON YOUR FEET, BABY BOY.

- GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

- COME ON.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NEGRUMPSACTUALLY THOUGHT I KILLED YOU.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

- YOU GUYS SEE ANYTHING?

- NOTHING YET.

- OKAY.

WE'LL WAIT UNTIL DARK, AND THENSNEAK BACK ACROSS THE LINE,

AND REJOIN OUR UNIT.

[distant gunfire]

DID YOU GUYS HEAR SOMETHING?

[machine gun fire]

OH, HELL.

- THESE AMERICANSPROVE TO BE NO OBSTACLE AT ALL.

SEARCH THE HOTEL.- YEAH.

- YOU'VE DONE WELLTO SECURE THIS POSITION.

THAT COULD BODE WELLFOR PROMOTION.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, GUESS WHO ISAW AT THE MARKET THE OTHER DAY.

- WHO?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW,ADOLF HITLER.

- I LOVE HITLER.

- WHO DOESN'T?BUT YOU EVER SEE HIM IN PERSON?

- OH, YEAH.AT THE NUREMBERG RALLY.

IT WAS VERY INSPIRATIONAL.

- I KNOW IT WAS.I WAS THERE.

EVERYONE WAS THERE.

BUT UP CLOSE,IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING.

FOR INSTANCE,IT WAS THE WEEKEND,

AND THE LITTLE HAIRS HAD JUSTSTARTED TO GROW ON THE SIDES

OF THE MUSTACHE, LIKE THIS.

SO I WALK UP TO HITLER,CASUALLY...

- HERR COMMANDANT.- THAT'S RUDE.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY.

YOU'RE NOT INTERESTEDIN A STORY ABOUT OUR FUHRER?

- YEAH, BUT--- OKAY, GOOD.

EVA WAS THERE AS WELL,

TALLER THAN YOU THINKOR HITLER'S SHORTER,

HARD TO SAY.

BUT ANYHOO,I'M BUYING SOME BREAD.

HITLER'S BUYING SOME BREAD.- UM, I MUST--

- SO, I'M ASSUMING YOU'VE GOTA BETTER HITLER STORY?

- BUT NO, BUT--- THEN MAYBE DON'T INTERRUPT.

- YES, SIR.- SO I GIVE HIM A SALUTE,

AND HE GIVES ME ONE OF THOSEHALF HITLER SALUTES, YOU KNOW,

DOWN, LOW, VERY COOL.- RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW?- RIGHT.

- HERE'S WHAT YOU FORGET.- YEAH.

- HE DOESN'T SAY "HEIL HITLER."- UH-HUH.

[fly buzzing]- ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

[slap]

- AH! HERR COMMANDANT--

- OH, WAIT.

I THINK MAYBE NEXT TIME,

I'LL TELL HIM HOW UNINTERESTEDYOU ARE IN MY STORY.

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.- IS IT A JEALOUSY THING?

- NO, NO, NO.- YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T MEET HITLER

TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

- [stammers]PROCEED, OF COURSE.

- SO I SAY TO HITLER,

"I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN QUITE BUSY."[wrapper crinkles]

HITLER LAUGHS, AND THEN SAYS,

"YOU AND ME BOTH."

I MEAN, HE'S THE FUHRER.

IT'S SO FUNNYBECAUSE IT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

I MEAN, HE'S SUPER BUSY.

AS HITLER WAS TAKING HIS LEAVEOF ME--

- OKAY, I HAVE TO INTERRUPTYOU RIGHT NOW.

- EXCUSE ME?DURING THE CINEMA?

THE STORY HAS A BUILD.

BUT IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING,YOU KILL THE MOMENTUM.

- I'M TRYING TO TELL YOUTHAT BODY IS MOVING.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THE AMERICAN'S ARE ALL DEAD.

BUT IF IT KEEPS YOUFROM INTERRUPTING

MY AWESOME HITLER STORY,I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

- YES.VERY GOOD, SIR.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

WOW. I'LL NEVER GET USEDTO THOSE FINAL DEATH THROES.

- DEATH THROES?

HERR MULLER,WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THOSE ARE NOT DEATH THROES!

YOU ARE BEING AN IDIOT!

- INSUBORDINATE AND CHURLISH.

PITY.

THIS IS THE BEST PARTOF THE STORY.

AS HITLER WAS TAKINGHIS LEAVE OF ME, HE SAID,

"WELL, THERE'S NO POINT

IN GETTING BREADIF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET--"

AND AT THE SAME TIME

HITLER SAID "CHEESE,"I SAID "CHEESE."

AND THEN,HITLER AND I BOTH SAID, "JINX."

WELL, IT WAS JUST, LIKE,TWO REGULAR, EVERYDAY PEOPLES.

YOU GUYS MISSED THE FIRST PART,BUT THIS IS ALL ABOUT HITLER.

[crowd chatter]

- [clears throat]

- HEY.WHAT...WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

- HELLO, SIR.I WOULD LIKE A RUM AND COKE.

- RUM AND COKE COMING UP.

- [groaning]

AHH, HEY.

WHERE YOU FROM?

ALL RIGHT, BABY.

I'M GONNA SEE YOUON THE DANCE FLOOR, GIRL.

OH! AH.

- HERE'S RUM AND COKE.IT'S GONNA BE $8.

- $8, ALL RIGHT, MY GOOD MAN.

LET ME...[exhales]

[screams in agony]WALLET, YEAH!

- [shushes]- WHOO!

LET ME--I'MA GOT IT--I GOT IT.

FUCK!- OH! SHH!

- AW, FUCK, MY WALLET!- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON.

- HEY, YOU ALL RIGHT?- OKAY, I'M--

- YOU ALL RIGHT?- WHEW!

[laughs]I TELL YOU WHAT.

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM, BROTHER.

[panting]

[screams in pain]

YOU WANT SOME HELP?THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.- YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, JUST TAKE THE CARD OUT.

KEEP THAT OPEN FOR ME.CAN YOU HANG ON TO THAT FOR ME?

- WILL DO.

- IN FACT, LET ME GETA TEQUILA SHOT, BROTHER.

ACTUALLY, MAKE IT TWO, MAN.

ONE FOR ME,AND ONE FOR YOU, MY GOOD MAN.

[screams in agony]

- ALL RIGHT.

TWO TEQUILA SHOTSCOMING RIGHT UP.

- HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?

ALL RIGHT, NECTAR OF THE GODS

UP IN HERE.- ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT,LET'S GET THAT GOING NOW.

ALL RIGHT, CHEERS.

- YEAH, MAN.- ALL RIGHT, MI AMIGO.

- CHEERS.

- [screams]

WHOO!

AH!

- IS--LEAVE--- NO, NO, HOLD ON.

THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAYTO SKIN A CAT.

- YOU WANT SOME HELPWITH THAT?

- HOLD UP, LET ME JUSTTRY TO GET UP IN HERE.

- OH, MY GOD.- [screams]

- OH, THAT'S--- OH, THAT'S BURNING MY TONGUE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?- WHAT? AHH.

- I'M GONNAGET YOU ONE OF THESE.

- YEAH?- TRY THAT.

- THERE WE--ALL RIGHT.HELL, YOU A GENIUS.

LET ME GET THIS GOING ON HERE.

OKAY.

- YOU JUST--THERE YOU GO.

- MM-HMM.

- WHOO! VAYA CON DIOS, MY DARLING.

THAT'S--- ALL RIGHT.

- WHOO! ALL RIGHT.

MUCHOS GRACIAS.- YUP.

HEY.- YEAH.

[grunts]UH-HUH?

- SO I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- OH, NO, I'M GONNA TELL YOUWHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

I'M WORRIED THAT THIS CLUB

AIN'T POPPING OFF THE WAYIT SHOULD BE! WHAT? WHAT?

[screams]'CAUSE I--WAIT A SECOND.

[rap song plays in background]WHAT? UH-OH.

DJ, TURN IT UP!

THAT'S MY TRACK RIGHT THERE.

UH-HUH. WHAT IT IS!

AAH!

HA-HAAAAH!

[grunts]UNGH! OH!

[laughs]

[trills tongue and laughs]

- HEY, MAN,

A BAR IS NOT THE PLACEFOR YOU TO BE RIGHT NOW.

- [screams]

WHOO, WHOO.

LET ME--LET ME GETTWO MORE SHOTS OF TEQUILA.

- UNH-UH.

SORRY, PAL, YOU'RE 86'ED.

- WHAT? HOW?WHAT NOW?

AND WHAT--THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

- LET'S GO, BUDDY.- [screams]

- BE--BE GENTLE WITH HIM.

- RIGHT THIS WAY.- AYE! AYE! AAH!

OH, IT HURTS ALL OVER!

HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?[screams]

- FIRST TIME, I THINK WAS,LIKE, '87.

IT WAS TWO GUYSIN A HEAVYWEIGHT BOUT. YEAH.

NO, IT WAS THE FIRST TIMEIN A HEAVYWEIGHT BOUT

THAT THE TWO FIGHTERSENDED UP GETTING MARRIED.

- [Spanish accent]HELLO, MY GOOD SIR.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE TWO SHOTSOF TEQUILA.

[screams in agony]COME ON, BROTHER!

WHY YOU GOTTA--[groans]

OH, MAN, THAT HURTS.

- [sighs]

[quirky, whimsical music]

[bicycle bell rings]

- OH, THERE YOU ARE, CEDRIC.

- 'SUP, DUDE?

- 'TIS WELL, CEDRIC.'TIS WELL.

- YEAH,CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION, MAN?

- MMM?

- WHY THE HELLARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THIS?

AND WHAT THE HELLDID YOU DO TO YOUR BIKE?

- YOU AIN'T HEARD?

I'M STEAMPUNK NOW.

- YEAH, I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT IS, MAN.

- JULES VERNE AND SHIT.

- I SERIOUSLY THINK THAT YOUHAVE CRACKED, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

LIKE, IN YOUR MIND.

- NAH, I AIN'T CRACKED UP.

I LIVE IN A CLOCK NOW.

- THAT'S...

- AH, UMBRELLAS AND BLIMPS,NIGGA.

- YOU'RE WEARING A TOP HATWITH A DOOR ON IT.

- I'M JUST AN ILL-ASS LEMONYSNICKET UP IN THIS BITCH.

BUT YOU, WHAT'S WITH YOU?

- WHAT'S WITH ME?I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M.

I'M A ILL-ASSNORMAL MOTHERFUCKER

WHO BEEN WAITINGFOR HIS FRIEND FOR A HOUR

AND TEN MINUTESUNDERNEATH A GODDAMN BRIDGE

WITH TWO HOMELESS NIGGAS.

- PERCHANCE, GOOD SIR, COULDYOU POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION

OF THE NEAREST APOTHECARY?

- IF YOU'RE TALKINGABOUT THE DRUG STORE,

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE CORNER.

- WHAT TIME DOES IT CLOSE?

- IT CLOSES AT 10:00, MAN.

YOU'VE BEEN THEREA MILLION TIMES.

- HMM, I'LL CHECKJUST TO BE SURE.

MAKE SURE IT'S STILL OPEN.- I'M TELLING YOU, LEVI,

IF YOU PUT THAT PIECE OF PIPEUP TO YOUR EYE

AND USE IT AS A TELESCOPE,I CANNOT BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE.

THIS--YUP.- STILL OPEN.

- ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GO THEN.SO...

- YOU TRY IT.- NO, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA TRY ITBECAUSE IT'S A PIECE OF PIPE,

AND IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LENSESIN IT.

THEREFORE, IT'S NOT A TELESCOPE!

- YES,BUT HOW COULD YOU BE SURE?

SCIENCE.

- I'M GONNA LOOKTHROUGH THIS PIECE OF PIPE,

AND IF IT DOESN'T WORKLIKE A TELESCOPE,

THEN WE FINALLY DONE, MAN.

LIKE, NOT HOMIES ANYMORE.

WE'RE DONE.

- OH, CEDRIC.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK...

IN A MILLION YEARS...

THAT THAT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK?

CEDRIC, IT'S JUST THAT YOULOOK SO RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW.

- I LOOK RI--

I'M GONNA--HMM.

- [sighs]SAY GOOD-BYE, RATATOUILLE.

- WHAT?WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

[rat squeaks]OH, SHIT!