Mittleman, Karam, Amazing Jonathan

  • Season 1, Ep 0102
  • 05/23/1994

It's an illusion.

Now watch.

I'm gonna turnthis back into one

piece with the magic foulard.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Foulard?

-Foulard.

It's a fancy word for a hanky.

Check it out.

Very, very powerful magicthat you're about to witness.

Shut up.

I don't have tape, you idiot.

I'm a magician.

We don't use tape,or staples, or glue.

[pulling tape]

Sometimes magicsounds like tape.

As you can see, the10 is pretty much

the way it was when we started.

I think the key wordsare "pretty much."

All right, look.

You like birds?

Check this out.

Ahh!

Little sucker bit me.

This used to be anuclear waste bucket.

I cleaned it out and putcontact paper over it.

Now it's a neatwaste paper basket.

This would kill most people.

It's just an ordinarybucket to me.

I feel pale.

Do I look pale?

Ahh!

Thank you all very much.

Wipe your nose.

This first trick is aclassic magic trick.

You might have seen it before.

It's called the linking rings.

And what we're-- what thehell, they're already linked.

I'll save us a lot of time.

The next trick-- I need aBic lighter from somebody.

Does anybody have a Bic lighter?

Just toss it up here if youhave one sitting on your table

that I could, uh-- thankyou very much, ma'am.

Just about fills thatright up to the very top.

I wanna take my clothesoff and run around.

This prevents streaking.

Did we do this yet?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: No.

-All right, we'll do it now.

All right.

I need to borrow some--let me have a $10 bill

if you would, please, ma'am.

Just for a trick, if youwould, just let me have the 10.

Thank you very much.

You're very generous.

All right.

Now what we're goingto do is-- look,

if this is going to piss you offwith the-- we'll just skip it.

We've got othertricks we can do.

We're gonna do a rope trick.

Rope tricks aren't fake withstrings, wires, and magnets,

like a lot of magicians--

Do you have another $10 bill?

Guess we'll have touse one of my own.

It's an illusion.

Now watch.

I'm gonna turnthis back into one

piece with the magic foulard.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Foulard?

-Foulard.

It's a fancy word for a hanky.

Check it out.

Very, very powerful magicthat you're about to witness.

Shut up.

I don't have tape, you idiot.

I'm a magician.

We don't use tape,or staples, or glue.

[pulling tape]

Sometimes magicsounds like tape.

As you can see, the10 is pretty much

the way it was when we started.

I think the key wordsare "pretty much."

All right, look.

You like birds?

Check this out.

Ahh!

Little sucker bit me.

This used to be anuclear waste bucket.

I cleaned it out and putcontact paper over it.

Now it's a neatwaste paper basket.

This would kill most people.

It's just an ordinarybucket to me.

I feel pale.

Do I look pale?

Ahh!

Thank you all very much.

on the Upper East Side.

You get these Upper EastSide women in there,

standing in theback of the class,

complain all the time, going,

-(NEW YORK ACCENT)Well, I don'thave to do all the exercises.

The most important thingis that I showed up today.

Besides, I don't like the waythat girl does the sit-ups.

Hurts right here.

I'm so exhausted.

I bought two dresses.

I had to carry them to the car.

-And they always go,

-(NEW YORK ACCENT)Went toGreenblatt's last night.

Ordered the chicken salad.

It wasn't good.

-If you work out in aregular health club,

there's always thosebig weight lifter guys.

You know, they seesome girl working out,

they're just freaked out.

Ooh, a girl working out.

They always come overto you-- excuse me,

I was checking you out overthere for quite some time.

Let me ask you something.

Where did you learn howto do all those exercises?

Like you're going to go,

-(LITTLE GIRLVOICE)I don't know.

My boyfriend wasa weight lifter.

And I look at picturesin magazines and stuff.

But I could neverlearn on my own.

I'm a girl.

I'm too stupid.

I don't even knowhow I got here.

Will you buy me something?

It's an illusion.

Now watch.

I'm gonna turnthis back into one

piece with the magic foulard.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Foulard?

-Foulard.

It's a fancy word for a hanky.

Check it out.

Very, very powerful magicthat you're about to witness.

Shut up.

I don't have tape, you idiot.

I'm a magician.

We don't use tape,or staples, or glue.

[pulling tape]

Sometimes magicsounds like tape.

As you can see, the10 is pretty much

the way it was when we started.

I think the key wordsare "pretty much."

All right, look.

You like birds?

Check this out.

Ahh!

Little sucker bit me.

This used to be anuclear waste bucket.

I cleaned it out and putcontact paper over it.

Now it's a neatwaste paper basket.

This would kill most people.

It's just an ordinarybucket to me.

I feel pale.

Do I look pale?

Ahh!

Thank you all very much.

-Ow.

Thanks, Wil.

Oh, no problem.

I guess we'll skip thejuggling portion of the show.

Ahh!

Let's get here earlyand get good seats.

I gotta ask you peopleright off the bat-- I'm

seriously consideringcosmetic surgery.

It's because of this mole that'sgrowing on the back of my neck.

Is that noticeable?

'Cause I think people arestaring at me at the pool.

Thank you.

A lot of comics are afraidto do mole humor of any type.

Not me.

We're going to start witha magic trick this evening.

You, sir, do youhave a handkerchief?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:No sir, I do not.

-All right.Just do this then.

You've got somethinghanging off your nose.

It's really bugging me.

Please, wipe that off.

OK.

Thank you. 'Cause I'm tryingto concentrate on my mole joke.

And it's swingingback and forth.

What are we drinking there?

Oh.

Ahh-ugh-ahh!

Oh, let's stir that up--right up there for ya.

Wipe your nose.

This first trick is aclassic magic trick.

You might have seen it before.

It's called the linking rings.

And what we're-- what thehell, they're already linked.

I'll save us a lot of time.

The next trick-- I need aBic lighter from somebody.

Does anybody have a Bic lighter?

Just toss it up here if youhave one sitting on your table

that I could, uh-- thankyou very much, ma'am.

Just about fills thatright up to the very top.

I wanna take my clothesoff and run around.

This prevents streaking.

Did we do this yet?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: No.

-All right, we'll do it now.

All right.

I need to borrow some--let me have a $10 bill

if you would, please, ma'am.

Just for a trick, if youwould, just let me have the 10.

Thank you very much.

You're very generous.

All right.

Now what we're goingto do is-- look,

if this is going to piss you offwith the-- we'll just skip it.

We've got othertricks we can do.

We're gonna do a rope trick.

Rope tricks aren't fake withstrings, wires, and magnets,

like a lot of magicians--

Do you have another $10 bill?

Guess we'll have touse one of my own.

It's an illusion.

Now watch.

I'm gonna turnthis back into one

piece with the magic foulard.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Foulard?

-Foulard.

It's a fancy word for a hanky.

Check it out.

Very, very powerful magicthat you're about to witness.

Shut up.

I don't have tape, you idiot.

I'm a magician.

We don't use tape,or staples, or glue.

[pulling tape]

Sometimes magicsounds like tape.

As you can see, the10 is pretty much

the way it was when we started.

I think the key wordsare "pretty much."

All right, look.

You like birds?

Check this out.

Ahh!

Little sucker bit me.

This used to be anuclear waste bucket.

I cleaned it out and putcontact paper over it.

Now it's a neatwaste paper basket.

This would kill most people.

It's just an ordinarybucket to me.

I feel pale.

Do I look pale?

Ahh!

Thank you all very much.

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