Extended - Thursday, September 17, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 09/17/2015

Mary Lynn Rajskub, David Koechner and Jim Jefferies name obscure Emmy categories, celebrate #OppositeDay and learn about head transplants in this uncensored, extended episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SUNDAY IS THE 67TH ANNUAL EMMY

AWARDS, WHEN TV'S BIGGEST STARSDON THEIR FANCIEST FORMAL WEAR,

PAT EACH OTHER ON THE BACK, ANDTHEN DESCEND UPON A SECRET

HOLLYWOOD HANGAR, UH, RIGHTUNDER THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN FOR

A BACCHANALIAN BLOOD ORGYORGANIZED BY RYAN SEACREST.

THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)UGH!

HEY, BUDDY, NO QUESTIONS ASKEDBEHIND THE YELLOW DOOR, HUH,

BUDDY?

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S ACTUALLY THE DOOR TO A

CLOSET.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO JIMJEFFRIES FOR THAT.

SHH, IT'LL BE OUR SEACREST.

(LAUGHTER)UH, WHILE EVERYONE'LL BE FAWNING

OVER THE TROPHIES FOR THE BESTACTOR, ACTRESS, DRAMA SERIES,

THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHERCATEGORIES THAT QUITE, UH,

AREN'T QUITE AS CELEBRATED,LIKE, UH, I DON'T KNOW, JUST...

(GROANS) OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENTIN INTERACTIVE MEDIA...

(LOUD CHEERING)I DON'T KNOW.

(WHOOPING)(APPLAUSE, CHEERING CONTINUE)

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH YOUR

EMMY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: GOOD WAY TO GO.

(LAUGHTER)I'M SURE SOMEONE'S BEEN (BLEEP)

TO DEATH BY AN OSCAR BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)THE DILDO-IEST OF ALL THE

AWARDS.

YOU KNOW, THESE ACTUALLY, THEWINGS ARE ACTUALLY VERY SHARP.

WHEN I... WHEN I GOT IT ONSTAGE, I WENT TO GRAB IT AND IT

SANK INTO MY HAND, AND I, UH, ISTARTED BLEEDING, UH, BECAUSE

I'M MADE OF COTTON-- I'M NOT...

I'M NOT VERY STRONG AT ALL.

COMEDIANS...

HI. THERE'S THE CAMERA RIGHTTHERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S A REAL FIRST WORLD

PROBLEM YOU GOT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)"I... I GOT CUT BY MY EMMY."

THERE'S PEOPLE IN AFRICA THATARE, LIKE, I GOT AIDS FROM MY

AIDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY. COME ON.

SHH. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

DON'T LISTEN.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO GIVE ME A LESSER KNOWN

CATE... STOP LOOKING AT IT!

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

GIVE ME A LESSER KNOWN EMMYCATEGORY THAT YOU'RE VERY

EXCITED ABOUT SEEING.

UH, MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.

>> THE... WHAT SHOW HAVE YOUBEEN ON? I DON'T REALLY WATCH TV

AWARD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

JIM JEFFRIES.

>> UH, THE BEST SIMPSONS RERUNTO WATCH WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS

FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> I'M GOING "MR. PLOW."

>> HARDWICK: "MR. PLOW" ISPRETTY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)MOVING ON.

INTERNATIONAL SALMONELLAHEADQUARTERS 7-ELEVEN HAS

ANNOUNCED PLANS TO OFFER A NEW"DATE NIGHT" PACK DELIVERY

SERVICE FOR COUPLES, 'CAUSE WHENI THINK ROMANCE, I THINK

MICROWAVE BURRITOS AND AVOIDINGEYE CONTACT WITH HOMELESS

PEOPLE. UH...

(LAUGHTER)THE $20 PACK CONTAINS ICE CREAM,

CANDY, RED BULL AND CONDOMS,WHICH ALL SOUNDS APPEALING, BUT

SINCE NONE OF US ARE ACTUALLYDATING COURTNEY LOVE,

COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)...WHAT WOULD BE THE ITEMS IN

YOUR IDEAL 7-ELEVEN "DATE NIGHT"PACK?

DAVE KOECHNER.

>> UH, SOME TIC TACS AND AN AUTOTRADER MAGAZINE TO WHACK IT TO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

LOOK AT THAT CAR!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): MAR...

MARY LYNN WAS VERY STARTLEDBY...

>> WELL, UM...

>> HARDWICK: DAVID KOECHNER'SORGASMS HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED AS

"SUDDEN AND STARTLING."

(LAUGHTER)MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.

>> WELL, I'M A LADY, SO I WOULDLIKE TO ORDER ALL THE HOT DOGS

IN THE ROLLING MACHINE, AND ALSOTHE ROLLING MACHINE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS TO YOU FOR THAT.

UH, MOVING ON.

WE WERE TIPPED OFF TODAY TO THESTORY OF DAVID WHITLOCK, A

SCIENTIST AND ADULT PIG-PEN WHOSAYS HE'S NOT SHOWERED IN 12

YEARS!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, THAT'S HARDTO BELIEVE.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT A STRETCH.

WHITLOCK INVENTED A BODY SPRAYCALLED MOTHER DIRT AO MIST THAT

WORKS IN CONJUNCTION WITHHEALTHY BACTERIA, ELIMINATING

THE NEED FOR HIM TO WASH HISAWFUL BALLS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> I HAVEN'T TAKEN A SHOWER IN

OVER 12 YEARS.

>> IT MAY SOUND CRAZY, BUT DAVEWHITLOCK, A CHEMICAL ENGINEER

AND MIT GRAD, SAYS HE DOESN'TMISS BATHING AT ALL.

(GROANING, JEERING)>> HARDWICK: I BET HE ALSO

ACTUALLY BRUSHES HIS TEETH WITH,UH... ONCE A YEAR WITH A RAG HE

FOUND IN THE GRAVEYARD WHERE HESLEEPS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> OR A DEAD CAT'S TAIL.

>> HARDWICK (LIKE IGOR): WHILEHE'S OUT GETTING BRAINS FOR

MASTER.

(LAUGHTER)SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THIS GUY

THAT PEEING INTO A FAN DOESN'TCOUNT AS INVENTING A SPRAY.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, OTHER THAN NOT

SHOWERING FOR A DOZEN YEARS ANDINVENTING NUT SACK SPRITZ, WHAT

DO YOU THINK ARE SOME OTHERBIZARRE FACTS ABOUT THIS FILTHY

HOBO SANTA?

MARY LYNN.

>> BEFORE A DATE, HE GARGLESWITH WET CAT FOOD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, DAVID KOECHNER.

>> HE WEARS OLD-TIMEY PAJAMASWHERE HE UNBUTTONS THE BACK FLAP

TO TAKE A DEUCE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, ALL RIGHT,POINTS.

UH, JIM JEFFRIES.

>> UH, IT'S A LITTLE KNOWN FACTTHAT THE CHILD IN HIS BASEMENT

HAS A DEGREE FROM THE UNIVERSITYOF PHOENIX.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> 'CAUSE YOU CAN DO IT ONLINE.

>> HE'S A MAN OF SCIENCE!

>> YEAH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)HEY, EVERYONE!

HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY!

OR IS IT? NO, IT IS. ISN'T IT?

IN HONOR OF OPPOSITE DAY,WHENEVER THAT IS, TODAY'S

HASHTAG IS OPPOSITEDAY!

EXAMPLES DO NOT INCLUDE:I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS BUTTER.

WILL-I-AIN'T.

OR NESTLE SLOW.

I WANT TO... I AM NOT GONNA PUT60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

AND DON'T BEGIN.

JIM.

>> UH, GIRLS GONE MILD.

>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

>> AW!

>> HARDWICK: MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.

>> UH, BED BATH & NOTHINGELSE.

>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> UH, CHEST ON MY SHIT.

(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: JIM JEFFRIES.

>> 1 GIRL 2 CUPS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> CARL'S SENIOR.

>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> REGULAR AL YANKOVIC.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> M. DAY SHYAMALAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

JIM JEFFRIES.

>> HUEY LEWIS AND THE OLDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO... NO POINTS.

OPPOSITE DAY. DAVID.

>> YAKOV SMIRON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> SMIRNON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. JIM JEFFRIES.

>> UH...

FIRE CREAM.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU SEE, THERE'S ICE CREAM,

AND I SAID...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH...!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY STOMACH.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

IT IS TIME TO PLAYGIF-O-MERCIAL, GIF-O-MERCIAL.

(CHEERING)NOW...

MY FAVORITE PART OF INFOMERCIALSIS WHEN THE SCREEN GOES ALL

BLACK AND WHITE SO A DIVORCEDLADY CAN BE LIKE, "HOW DO I MOP

MY GAZEBO WHEN MY HANDS ARE FULLOF UNEVENLY COOKED TURKEY

BURGERS?"(LAUGHTER)

FLA, FLA, FLA. WELL, THANKS TOTHE SUBREDDIT "WHERE DID THE

SODA GO?" WE CAN BASK IN THEGLORY OF THEIR INEPTITUDE ON A

NEVER-ENDING LOOP.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AGIF OF AN INFOMERCIAL FAIL, AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME THE VOICE-OVER LINE THAT

SHOULD GO WITH IT.

FIRST ONE, THIS BUSINESS.

OH...

AW.

OH...

AW.

OH...

THAT'S A GOOD LOOP.

THAT'S KIND OF A PERFECT LOOP.

JIM.

>> STARTING TO WISH YOU DIDN'TMURDER YOUR WIFE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS TO YOU. DAVID KOECHNER.

>> TIRED OF WORKING AT ARBY'S?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT'S GOOD BEEF BROTH.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> HARDWICK: TRY ONE OF THEIR

NEW BEEF SHAKES!

(SHOUTS, LAUGHTER)MARY LYNN.

>> TIRED OF DISSOLVING YOURVICTIMS' BODIES AT THE COURTYARD

MARRIOTT?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)BUT IN YOUR SCENARIO, THAT COULD

BE... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ASPOUSE, IT COULD BE ANYBODY.

>> RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

>> I LIKE THAT HE'S WEARING ANHAWAIIAN SHIRT 'CAUSE HE MIGHT

BE ON HOLIDAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THERE'S NO TOILET,

THERE'S JUST A SINK IN THE ROOM,SO HE WAS...

IT'S MULTIPURPOSE AT THIS POINT.

UH, NEXT UP, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

WHAT'S THAT SHIT?

MARY LYNN.

>> ARE YOUR BREASTS STINKY GHOSTFARTS?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

YEP.

(APPLAUSE)YEP.

OH, NO, DEBORAH, YOUR TITS AREHAUNTED...!

>> I'M OUT OF HERE.

>> HARDWICK: TONIGHT ONDESTINATION AMERICA,

SUPERNATURAL TITS.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> ARE YOU DATING A CREEP WHOINSISTS ON SMELLING YOUR

BREASTS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

JIM.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMETHINGCRAWLS UP YOUR WIFE'S BREASTS

AND DIES?

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I'M DOING ALL THESE INAMERICAN ACCENT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WELL, THAT'SGOOD...

>> BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THIS INAUSTRALIAN ACCENT-- LIKE, AH,

YOUR TITS LOOK SMELLY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)YEAH. I THINK YOU COULD.

(WHOOPING)>> OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT):MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPRAY SOME OF

THAT SHIT ON 'EM.

(LAUGHTER)>> ARE YOU SMELLY DOWN UNDER?

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTS, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

OH... OH...

JIM.

>> HAS A STROKE STOPPED YOURARMS FROM WORKING?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WHAT THE HELL WOULD

THAT PRODUCT BE?

(LAUGHTER)DAVID KOECHNER.

>> THIRSTY AFTER KNOCKING BOOTSALL NIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> WHAT'S IT MEAN?

THE GIRL'S BOOTS AND YOUR BOOTSARE BASHING INTO EACH OTHER.

>> KNOCKING. THANKS, GUYS.

THANKS, GUYS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> DID YOU WIN IT FOR BEST

KNOCKING BOOTS?

>> HARDWICK: NO, I'VE NEVER WONAN AWARD FOR THAT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HEY, LET'S CLEAN IT UP AND

GET PRACTICAL, GUYS.

HEY, ARE YOU SO OLD YOU HAVEN'THEARD OF CUPS?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: PO... POINTS.

I... GUESS I'LL JUST DRINK FROMTHIS METAL GROUND HOLE.

>> WHAT'S NEXT TO HIM, SOME KINDOF... SALT, DRUGS?

>> HARDWICK: UH, WELL, THOSE ARECLEARLY MEDS.

I DON'T KNOW.

I...

I THINK IT'S MORE... I THINKIT'S NOT FOR HIM, IT'S JUST,

"ARE YOU TIRED OF KEEPINGGRANDPA PRISONER?"

LIKE, I JUST FEEL LIKE...

IT'S...

IT'S AN INFOMERCIAL FORCRYOGENICS.

FREEZE 'EM.

>> DO YOU CRAVE LEGIONNAIRES'DISEASE?

>> HARDWICK: BUT PIGEONS AREJUST TOO HARD TO CATCH BY HAND?

ALL RIGHT.

UH, NEXT ONE.

OH.

(BELL DINGS)OH, GOD.

JIM.

>> DO YOU AND YOUR WIFE ENJOYLAUGHING ABOUT FRIENDS WHO ARE

DEAD?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> ARE YOU RUNNING OUT OFDISEASES TO WISH ON DEBORAH?

WE CAN HELP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> YOU... YOU...

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP.

OH, WHAT... OH.

JUST, HAND BROOM.

JIM.

>> ARE YOU FRUSTRATED BEINGCANADIAN?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> STRAIGHT UP.

>> DO YOU HAVE THE TEMPER OF ANALCOHOLIC FOOTBALL COACH?

AAH!

WIN!

>> HARDWICK: MARY LYNN.

>> SUICIDE: NOT AS EASY AS YOUTHOUGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

I'M TRYING TO JUST CLEAR A SPACESO I CAN GET A GOOD SHOT.

AND, LAST ONE.

(BELL DINGS)YES, DAVID.

>> FUCKING FACE-- WHAT ANASSHOLE!

AAH!

>> A BIT MORE... JUST A LITTLEBIT...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS,POINTS, KOECHNER.

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> UM, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILLYOUR GAG REFLEX SO YOUR HUSBAND

LOVES YOU AGAIN?

>> HARDWICK: OH...

>> WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

>> E... EVEN AS I SAID IT, IDIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT MESELF.

>> HARDWICK: I'VE JUST BEEN TOLDWE GOT TO GIVE THIS BACK.

>> YOU MADE HIM GIVE HIS EMMYBACK, JIM-- STOP IT.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, WE HAD IT FORA COUPLE OF DAYS.

UH, MARY LYNN.

>> HEY, UM, MOUTH NOT STEVENTYLER-SIZED YET?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THE FIRSTTIME I SAW IT I WAS LIKE, "IS

SHE POPPING A TONGUE ZIT?"LIKE, IT JUST LOOKED SO...

UH...

>> HER HANDS AND HER ARM AREQUITE...

>> HARDWICK: SHE'S JUST TRYINGTO... OH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I-I, GUYS... IT'S TOTAL RECALL.

TWO WEEKS.

TWO WEEKS.

>> OR MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-- SHEJUST FINISHED HER TASK.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TOM CRUISE,YEAH.

>> CAN'T GET HER.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT AN UPCOMING HUMAN HEAD

TRANSPLANT.

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE THE PATIENTSOME POST-OP GOOD NEWS, BAD

NEWS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

DR. MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.

>> (SIGHS)OH, DAMN IT.

THE BAD NEWS: YOUR NEW BODYREJECTED YOUR HEAD.

THE GOOD NEWS: YOUR OLD BODY HASAGREED TO TAKE YOUR HEAD BACK,

BUT THINGS ARE GONNA BE A LITTLEDIFFERENT AROUND HERE, MISTER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

PERFECT.

DR. KOECHNER.

>> (SIGHS)THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU HAVE A

NEW HEAD.

THE BAD NEWS IS IT CAN'T STOPSUCKING DICKS.

THE OTHER GOOD NEWS IS THESURGERY'S FREE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> COME ON.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS SHOW?

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

YOU SHOULD GO GET YOUR EMMYBACK, THAT'S-THAT'S GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S RIGHTHERE, I'M NOT-I'M NOT LETTING IT

LEAVE MY SIGHT.

UH, JIM... DR. JIM JEFFERIES?

>> THE GOOD NEWS: YOUR NEW BODYCAN PLAY THE PIANO.

THE BAD NEWS: IT'S THE BODY OFBILLY JOEL.

>> HARDWICK: AH, ALL RIGHT.

IT'S TIME FOR X IS THE NEW Y.

X IS THE NEW Y.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: INTERNET TRENDSCOME AND GO FASTER THAN YOU CAN

SAY, "MAN BUN, DAD BOD, ONFLEEK, NENE."

A POPULAR GENRE OF TREND PIECEMAKING THE ROUNDS RIGHT NOW IS

THE ONE LETTING US KNOW THATBLANK IS THE NEW BLANK.

FOR INSTANCE, ARE SLOTHS THE NEWCATS?

UM, NO, THEY'RE NOT, BY THE WAY.

THEY'RE... THEY'RE NOT, AT ALL.

NONE OF THIS IS STUPID AT ALL.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY X IS THE

NEW Y ARTICLES AS YOU CAN IN 60SECONDS, AND BEGIN.

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> IS ORANGE THE NEW TRUMP?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> EATING WHILE MASTURBATING ISTHE NEW CRYING WHILE

MASTURBATING.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, DAVIDKOECHNER.

>> IS JENNY MCCARTHY THE NEWTYPHOID MARY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> FARMERS.COM IS THE NEWFUCKING SHEEP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> UH-HUH IS THE NEW OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> FISTING IS THE NEW HANDSHAKE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: NO, GUYS, YOU DIDIT THE OLD WAY-- DO IT THE NEW

WAY.

>> UH...

>> WAIT, UH...

>> HANG... HANG ON.

LET ME JUST...

>> I'LL NEED THE EMMY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, 100POINTS TO EACH OF YOU FOR THAT

DELIGHTFUL ACT-OUT.

UH, MARY LYNN.

>> REGRET IS THE NEW NORMAL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

PERFECT.

KOECHNER.

>> NEW MEXICO IS THE NEW MEXICO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

>> THAT ONE'S CLEVER.

VERY CLEVER.

>> HARDWICK: MARY LYNN.

>> HULU AND RELAX IS THE NEWNETFLIX AND CHILL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

PERFECT