Bolt, Kolinsky, Fox

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 05/23/1994

How you doing?

Pretty Good You all OK?


-Good, I'm not great-- not good.

I don't-- I don't-- Idon't know-- rickets.

I think I have rickets.

I'm not sure, butit's a bug isn't it?

Some kind of bug-- something'scrawling up the back of my leg.

But no, I reallydon't feel good.

First of all, I don't likedoing stand-up comedy.

I really don't.

Just it's-- just-- I hatepeople staring at me.

That bugs me a little bit.

But my back hurts too.

So, I'm just-- I'm not,uh-- I don't feel great.

I had acupuncture, actually,for the first time ever.

It's a 5,000 year oldancient Chinese science.

Anybody ever heard of it?

A few of you-- Apparentlyit was this gal's first day,

so-- yeah-- she was nervous.

I'm nervous.

But what they do, essentially,is they stick needles in you

to alleviate pain, you know.

So that's a good idea.

Anyway I went in there, and whatthey do-- the first thing is

they stick a needlein your earlobe.

That kind of-- that'sthe nerve center.

That kind of relaxes you.

Once they do that,you can relax,

and they carry on withthe rest of the procedure.

Anyway, she did thatto me, and I said ow!

You know?


And, you know, Ijust got coldcocked

her-- coldcocked her--just coldcocked her.

And anyway, I felt bad.

But I am not afighter, you know?

I don't like to-- I don'tlike to fight people.

She was quite old--quite old-- old.

And so there's no way shecould come back at me,

plus-- plus her walker hadkind of scooted [inaudible]

But I'm not a fighter.

I quit smoking.

So I'm a little nervous.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate that.

I quit at noon today.

So just a-- a little edgy.

Just a little uptight.

But it is tough.

If you're a smoker, Imean it's a tough thing.

After-- after sex was alwaysone of the hardest times for me

to-- or even duringsex, sometimes.

My wife would say passthe ashtray, honey.

But after alcohol-- alcohol Ithink that has a tendency-- it

kind of breaks down yourwillpower a little bit.

Have a cocktail and youwant a cigarette right away.

I went to church for thefirst time in a decade,

really a long time-- thank you.

A frightening, frightening man.

But anyway I went up forthe-- the confrontation deal--

confrontation withthe priest guy.

And gives you thatbiscuit thing.

Oh, thank you, Padre.

I put it in my pocket,because you don't know

where his handshave been, really.

Yeah, but right after that,he offered me a glass of wine.

So instinctively Ilit up a cigarette.

I look good.

I thought I looked pretty cool.

But coming-- some ofthe girls in the choir

were kind of, hey, big boy.

Because I think cigaretteswill do that for you guys.

But anyway, I got kind of badvibes from this priest guy.

He said take it outside, pal.

Very un-Jesus-likeattitude, I thought.

Anyway, in this particularchurch that I was in,

they had in thelobby these ashtrays

on the wall with waterin them, you know?

So I just put it out in there.

So any hecklershere tonight at all?

Now, I'm not good with hecklers.

I'm really not.

I don't have the quickcomebacks or snappy retorts.

I do have one, whichis just "shut up."

It rarely works.

But I was at a club inSan Francisco-- which

is where I wasfrom-- a few weeks.

And I here from way in back--way in the back of the room

I heard this "you suck" deal.

"Get off the stage.

You stink."

And the thing that buggedme about it was I heard it.

But also I comped these peoplein to see this show for free,

you know?

I figured because it was their35th wedding anniversary,

they'd be proud to see theirson onstage, but-- thanks a lot.

One thing I couldn'tget used to-- everybody

with the blond, blond hair,dark tan, white teeth.

Everybody looks like negatives.

You're going to takethese people home.

Where do you live?


Everybody's very in shape.

Women doing thebodybuilding thing.

See toning is very attractive,but when in a woman's life

does she decide to pump iron?

What, is she atthe beach one day,

get a little sand kicked inthe face, all right, that's it?

Where does this come inhandy in a woman's life?

You're going to bein a bar, someone's

picking on your boyfriend?

Don't worry about it Bob.

I'll take care of it.

Love the summer,but being a woman--

a little too much maintenance.

Too much shaving, huh?

You guys have it so easy.

You don't shave-- it's sexy.

It's a turn on.

We don't shave it's birthcontrol, unless we're speaking

a foreign language, and thenyou love us all of a sudden.

It's been a big year for me.

I turned 33 this year.



You know, 'cause I'mat that age where I see

these guys-- 18 and19-- they're so cute.

But what do you say?


I could never imaginedating someone

that much younger, you know?

The gap in lifeexperience is too great,

because they're askingquestions like, who do you

like better BonJovi or White Snake?

And at 33, I need to knowdo you own or you rent?

Getting them slowly, huh?

I never datedsomeone much older.

Actually, my sisterhas taken care of that.

She's 35, married a guy, 65.

Ooh, my parents arethrilled about that.

She lives in San Francisco.

All her friendsmarried older guys.

And she wanted to introduceme to one to party.

She said, how do you think is?

I went, I don't know-- 80?

She said, no really.I said, look.

I thought he was 90.

I'm giving him 80.

And being 33, single-- Igotta tell you right now, it's

like the worst time to gohome and visit your relatives.

You know what Imean? 'Cause you get

that, like, negativereceiving line from everyone.

They don't leave you alone.

It's like, when areyou getting married?

When are you going to have kids?

When are you goingto settle down?

Nyah nyah nyah.

Don't you think it'sa generalization

you should be married at 33?

You know?

I'm mean, that's like lookingat somebody who's 70 and saying,

hey, when are you goingto break your hip?

All your friends arebreaking their hips.

What are you waiting for?

you know-- being 33.

I read an article in New Yorkmagazine that women 49 years

old, now havingtheir first child.


Yeah, I can't get off the couchat 33 to do things for myself.

I guess if you playyour cards right,

you could both be indiapers at the same time.

I want kids.

I'm an aunt.

Right before I go to see myniece's, I really want kids.

And when I leave, Idon't even want a dog.

I swear to god.

I love them.

They're great.

First couple years,they're so hyper, you know?

I wish there wassomething you could

give them to kindof calm them down.

Some kind of a drug--nothing that would hurt them.

Something like aSaint Joseph Valium

for children or something.

Some kind of chewableQuaalude, to just

shut them up for a minute.

Come on.

Split it with me.

I'll do half with you.

Come on.

Come on.

We'll play with all your toys.

Real slow but,we'll get to them.

When's Aunt Sure comingover, you promised man.

I want kids for me too.

Surrogacy-- what a bizarreconcept, ladies, huh?

I could never be asurrogate mother.

Having a child and givingit to somebody else.

What is this?

Is this like theultimate favor, or what?

I mean, I thinkI'm a good friend.

I'll help you move.

Anything that comes out ofmy body after to nine months,

I'm keeping.

I don't care if it's a show.

It's mine.

What scares meabout having kids is

giving birth--natural childbirth.

We have women, I'm sure,that have been through this.

Still feel it, huh?

See, I have a lot ofrespect for anybody

that's been through this, butsome people really get into it,

you know, like,certain music that they

play, colors in the room.

Look, the idea of something7 pounds 5 ounces trying

to squeeze out ofany part of my body--

whether the room is tan orfuchsia is really a moot point.

It's the pain.

I have no threshold of pain.

I'll be labor like 10 minutes.

Ouch, doc, come here.

Yeah, I'll take thatc-section for $1,000 please.

I'm not real concerned aboutthe bikini at this point.

Just cut and get it out, OK?

And why is it the first coupleyears of a child's life,

parents always givetheir age in months?

You ever realize this?

It's like, how old is Matthew?

22 months.

He's almost two, right?

You didn't get the month-to-yearconversion chart at your house?

Oh, he's 192 months.

He must have his license by now.

What do you think?

It seems that the firstthing the child does well

is automaticallytheir profession.

It's like, look.

He's running.

He's going to bein the Olympics.

Well, he's drooling too.

It could be Special Olympics.

after a rough weekend?

Well, you're a sensitive group.

I'll tell at you that.

Break up with mygirlfriend this week.

We're at that stageof the relationship

where you know it's over, butyou hate to lose that stereo.

She's not that bright.

She calls me up yesterday.

She says, John the light bulbin the bathroom burned out,

and I don't knowhow to change it.

I said, first, you fillthe tub with water.

I called at eight.

There's no answer.

So how many people thinkSouthern California is the best

place in the countryto live, huh?


Only in Southern Californiado folks turn on the radio,

not only do we getnews, weather, sports.

We get news, weather,sports, and a thing

called the surf report.

It's on the radio slurred bythese surfer kids with a IQ

level about a gradelower than bean dip.

They guy's like (SURFER VOICE)This is Scott in Santa Monica.


Waves three to four feet,and they're really radical.

So come on down andcatch some rays.

How are things in Newport?

This is Gooky in Newport.


Waves are three to four feet andthey're almost primo bitching.

So come on down andcatch some rays.

How are things in San Francisco?

(EFFIMINATE VOICE) This isCharles from San Francisco.

The waves are so gnarly.

When it gets this rough,my muscles get real sore,

and the rest justgets real swollen.

So why don't you comon down and catch

some rays or someBills or some Rogers?