CC Presents: Sheryl Underwood

  • 05/29/2003

EVERYTHING IN HERE.

I'M GLAD THAT THE WHITE FOLK

DONE PAID TO SEE ME.

I MUST BE A CELEBRITY.

I WANT Y'ALL TO START GETTING

TO KNOW OTHER RACES OF PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY BLACK FOLK.

LIKE Y'ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND

HOW BLACK PEOPLE WATCH THE NEWS.

BLACK PEOPLE, HOW DO WE WATCH

THE NEWS?

WHEN SOME STUFF HAPPENIN' ON

THE NEWS, WHAT ARE WE THINKING?

PLEASE JESUS, DON'T LET

NO NEGROES BE INVOLVED.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE SNIPER.

OH, LORD.

YOU KNOW WE'RE VERY DISAPPOINTED

THAT THE SNIPER HAPPENED TO BE

BLACK.

WE CANNOT BELIEVE THAT A

BLACK MAN COULD DO WHAT

THE SNIPERS HAVE DONE.

YOU SEE, ONE THING IS,

BLACK FOLK AIN'T GONNA KILL

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S TOO MUCH LIKE WORK.

THAT'S A CAREER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WE DON'T DO THAT.

THAT'S A JOB.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE ARE VERY UPSET.

WHY?

BECAUSE USUALLY BLACK PEOPLE

DON'T KILL NOBODY THEY DON'T

KNOW.

LOOK AT BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME.

WE KILL EACH OTHER 'CAUSE

WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

A BLACK MAN AIN'T GONNA KILL

NOBODY HE DON'T KNOW.

WHEN A BLACK MAN GO TO HIS

EX-WIFE'S JOB 'CAUSE HE WANT

TO SHOOT THE BITCH 'CAUSE

HE DON'T WANNA PAY CHILD SUPPORT

AND ALIMONY NO MORE.

HE DON'T KILL EVERYBODY

AT THE COMPANY.

HE SAY, "GET OUT THE WAY,

I JUST WANNA SHOOT THAT BITCH

RIGHT THERE."

THAT'S US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Y'ALL CAN'T EVEN SERVE THE LORD

THE WAY YOU WANT TO SERVE

THE LORD.

CATHOLICS, STAY IN THE CATHOLIC

CHURCH PLEASE.

PLEASE, DO NOT LEAVE THE CHURCH

BECAUSE OF WHAT'S GOING ON

IN THE CHURCH.

THAT SHOULD NOT SHAKE YO FAITH.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND,

AS A BLACK WOMAN, I DON'T SEE

HOW THEY KEPT IT A SECRET

FOR 20 YEARS.

Y'ALL KNOW HAD THAT HAPPENED

IN THE BLACK CHURCH WE WOULD NOT

HAVE KEPT IT A SECRET FOR

20 YEARS.

HAD IT HAPPENED IN THE

BLACK CHURCH, SOMEBODY WOULD

HAVE WROTE IT UP IN THE

CHURCH BULLETIN AND READ IT

THE NEXT SUNDAY...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

OLD BLACK LADY WOULD HAVE WALKED

UP TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID,

"GIVE HONOR TO GOD, FROM WHOM

ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.

PASTOR'S, MINISTERS, VISITORS

AND FRIENDS.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

DEACON JOHNSON WILL NOT BE

DRIVING THE CHURCH VAN OR

ALL OF THE YOUTH GROUP NO MO,

BECAUSE HE'S TOUCHING THE

CHILDREN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D LIKE TO THANK DEACON WATSON,

DEACON DAVIS AND

DEACON PATTERSON FOR GOING OVER

TO DEACON JOHNSON HOUSE

AND WHIPPIN' HIS NASTY ASS."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S US.

BUT WE GOT OUR OWN LITTLE CHILD

MOLESTATION THING GOING ON

IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY,

DON'T WE BLACK PEOPLE?

R. KELLY-ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T BLAME HIM FOR

CONSIDERING A, YOU KNOW,

YOUNGSTER 'CAUSE I'M OLD.

BUT I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH A

17-YEAR OLD BOY.

THEY LOOK GOOD.

DON'T THEY LOOK GOOD?

NOW THEY LOOK GOOD.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH HAVING SEX

WITH A 17-YEAR OLD BOY,

MOST OF 'EM STILL LIVE AT HOME

WITH THEY MAMA.

AND I AM TOO OLD TO BE SNEAKIN'

INTO THE BITCH HOUSE TO HAVE SEX

WITH HER SON ON A TWIN BED.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

TO HAVE SEX ON A TWIN BED,

TO TRY TO KEEP YOUR BALANCE ON A

BED WITH STAR WARS SHEETS ON IT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

TO HAVE SEX WITH ONE OF THESE

STRONG LITTLE 17-YEAR OLD BOYS

WITH YOUR FOOT UP AGAINST

THE DOOR SO HIS STRONG-ASS MAMA

DON'T BUST IN ON YA?

AND THEN WHEN SHE BUST IN ON YA

ALL YOU CAN SAY IS, "HEY GIRL,

DIDN'T WE GO TO HIGH SCHOOL

TOGETHER?

WE THE SAME AGE."

Sheryl Underwood: NAH.

I KNOW THAT PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE

THE PRESIDENT.

I LOVE THE PRESIDENT.

HE'S MY FAVORITE.

AND BLACK FOLK, I DON'T KNOW WHY

WE DON'T LIKE THE PRESIDENT,

HE THE ONLY PERSON THAT SENT US

$300.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SAY, "HURRY UP AND CASH

THEM CHECKS BEFORE THEY

FIGURE OUT I AIN'T GOT $300

TO BE SENDING Y'ALL."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT,

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, BUSH

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN OFFICE,

HAD HE NOT STOLE THE ELECTION.

HE AIN'T STOLE NOTHING.

GORE LOST THE ELECTION.

WHY?

BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE HIS

HOME STATE OF TENNESSEE AND THE

PRESIDENT HOME STATE OF ARKANSAS

HAD HE TOOK TENNESSEE AND

ARKANSAS, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN

OVER.

BUT THE REAL REASON THAT

GORE LOST, WHY?

HE WAS TOO SCARED TO LET

BILL CLINTON CAMPAIGN FOR HIS

ASS.

HE WOULD OF WON, HAD HE LET

BILL CLINTON CAMPAIGN FOR HIM.

WHY?

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE BILL CLINTON.

THERE'S ONLY TWO WHITE MEN THAT

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE: BILL CLINTON

AND BOB BARKER.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LET BOTH OF 'EM

CAMPAIGN FOR YO ASS.

HE WOULD OF WON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE THE PRICE IS

RIGHT.

DON'T WE LOVE THE PRICE IS

RIGHT?

A NEGRO MIGHT NOT KNOW HOW

TO READ, BUT HE KNOW HOW MUCH

RICE-A-RONI COSTS.

[LAUGHTER]

LOVE THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

I'M GLAD GORE AIN'T RUNNIN'.

I'M GLAD HE AIN'T GONNA BE

NOWHERE NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING;

GORE COULD NOT HAVE HANDLED

SEPTEMBER 11th THE WAY BUSH

IS HANDLING SEPTEMBER 11th.

WHY?

GORE IS ONE OF THOSE PEACE

LOVING, LIBERAL,

ENVIRONMENTALISTS.

YOU DON'T SEND NO PEACE-LOVING

LIBERAL TO TALK TO NO KILLIN',

MURDERIN' TERRORIST.

YOU SEND ANOTHER KILLAH

TO TALK TO THE KILLIN',

MURDERIN' TERRORIST.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND BUSH IS A DAMN KILLAH.

THAT'S WHY I CALL HIM KILLAH-G.

HE'S A KILLAH.

I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

HE WAS KILLIN' WHITE FOLK WHEN

HE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS.

DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT

KILLING A WHITE GIRL NAMED

CARLA FAYE TUCKER.

THIS GIRL PUT A PICK AX

IN ANOTHER WHITE GIRL CHEST

IN A DRUG-INDUCED STATE.

THEN THEY SAID SHE GOT 'SAVED'

WHILE SHE WAS ON DEATHROW.

HAD PAT ROBERTSON BEGGIN' TO GET

THE GIRL OFF OF DEATHROW.

BUSH SAY "LOOK HERE.

YOU SAY THIS GIRL KNOW JESUS?

WELL, SHE ABOUT TO MEET 'EM

RIGHT NOW."

I LOVE HIM.

I LOVE HIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M GLAD HIS ASS IS IN

OFFICE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE EVER

LEARN HOW TO TALK.

AS YOU CAN TELL, I DON'T

KNOW HOW TO TALK EITHER.

SO WE GET ALONG REALLY GOOD.

I'M GLAD HE IN OFFICE

AND I THINK WHEN HE GET MAD

HE SOUND BLACK.

[LAUGHTER]

DID Y'ALL SEE WHAT HAPPENED

WHEN THEY TOLD 'EM ABOUT

THE WORLD TRADE CENTER?

HE WAS AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

THE CHILDREN WERE READING

A STORY TO HIM.

Y'ALL DIDN'T HEAR ME.

HE WAS AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

THE CHILDREN WERE READING

A STORY TO HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

THEY WERE READING "GREEN EGGS &

HAM."

HE WANTED TO SEE HOW IT WAS

GONNA END.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT,

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK FROM

THE TALAH-BAINS AND THE

AL-KAYDUH'S."

THEY SAY, "WELL, DON'T YOU THINK

WE NEED TO LIVE IN PEACE WITH

THE TALAH-BAINS AND AL-KAYDUH?"

BUSH GOT BLACK.

HE STOOD UP AND SAID "PEACE!

PEACE!

WE WAS LIVING IN DAMN PEACE

IN SEPTEMBER 8, 9, 10

AND THE MORNING OF THE 11Tth

YOU WANT SOME PEACE?

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU PEACE

WITH THIS MISSILE ALL UP IN

YOUR ASS!"

I SAID "OH, OH, OH.

I LOVE HIM.

I LOVE HIM.

I LOVE HIM.

ALL UP IN YOUR ASS."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KILLAH G.

KILLAH G.

I LOVE 'EM.

LET ME TALK TO BLACK FOLK

FOR A MINUTE.

WHY ARE WE SO ANTI OUR OWN

COUNTRY?

TALKING ABOUT WHY DO THEY

HATE US?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHY THESE

OTHER COUNTRIES HATE US.

THEY MAKE ME SICK.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY OTHER

COUNTRIES HATE US.

THEY HATE US BECAUSE WE GOT

MONEY.

THAT'S WHY THEY HATE AMERICA.

WHY DID THEY MESS WITH THE WORLD

TRADE CENTER?

'CAUSE THEY WANTED TO MESS WITH

OUR MONEY.

SO BLACK FOLK, WHY ARE WE NOT

BUYING STOCK?

LOOK AT BLACK MAN, "UH-UH,

I AIN'T GONE BUY NO STOCK.

WHAT'S A STOCK?"

STOCK CHEAP RIGHT NOW.

FOR $100 YOU COULD BE

A MAJOR SHAREHOLDER IN ANY

FORTUNE 500 COMPANY.

IT'S CHEAP RIGHT NOW.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ENRON, SHERYL?

WHAT ABOUT IT?

I GOT ONE WORD FOR EVERYBODY

AT ENRON, DIVERSIFY.

YOU WASN'T SUPPOSED TO PUT

ALL YO EGGS IN THE BASKET OF THE

COMPANY STOCK WHERE YOU WORK.

YOU WORK WITH THEM INCOMPETENT

BASTARDS.

IF THEY CAN'T RUN A XEROX

MACHINE, HOW THE (BLEEP) YOU

LET 'EM RUN YOUR PENSION FUND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SO MAD AT BLACK PEOPLE

RIGHT NOW.

UH-UH, I'M NOT GONE BUY

NO STOCK.

STOCK TOO RISKY.

SHUT UP.

YOU BUY A LOTTERY TICKET

EVERY FRIDAY.

SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

LET ME BREAK IT DOWN EVEN

FURTHER FOR MY PEOPLE WHILE

I'M ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

SO THEY CAN KNOW WE SMARTER

THAN THIS.

WHY WE NOT FLYING?

LOOK AT THE BLACK MAN.

UH-UH, I'M NOT GONE FLY.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

DO YOU KNOW JESUS?

THEN GET YOUR ASS ON A DAMN

PLANE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE EVERY DAY THAT WE DON'T

FLY A BLACK SKYCAP LOSES

HIS JOB.

EVERY DAY THAT WE DON'T FLY

A BLACK AIRCRAFT MECHANIC

LOSE HIS JOB.

EVERY DAY THAT WE DON'T FLY

A BLACK TICKET AGENT LOSES

HER JOB.

GET YOUR ASS ON A PLANE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DON'T

STAND UP FOR OUR COUNTRY,

AND STOP PEOPLE FROM TALKING

ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT.

WE MAY NOT LIKE 'EM BUT YOU

DON'T LET NOBODY TALK ABOUT 'EM.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA TELL YOU

SOMETHING, AIN'T NO PLACE FOR US

TO GO.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE AFRICA, AS A VACATION

SPOT.

BUT I AIN'T TRYIN' TO MOVE

THERE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE BETTER GET TO KNOW WHITE FOLK

'CAUSE WE NEED 'EM.

WE STILL ARGUING WITH WHITE FOLK

ABOUT SLAVERY.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW WHITE FOLK

FEEL ABOUT THE DISCUSSION OF

SLAVERY.

THEY FEEL LIKE I WAS BORN IN

1956.

I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

NO DAMN SLAVES.

GET OVER IT.

BUT WE CAN'T GET OVER IT

'CAUSE WE KNOW THEY COMPANIES IS

REAPIN' THE BENEFITS OF SLAVERY.

BUT ARGUING WITH WHITE PEOPLE

ABOUT SLAVERY IS LIKE YOU BEEN

ARGUING WITH YOUR MAN ALL DAY

AND ALL NIGHT.

HE READY TO GO TO BED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HE SAY HE SORRY.

BUT YOU AIN'T FINISHED ARGUING.

SO YOU GO, "WHAT ARE YOU SORRY

FOR?"

HE GO, "I DON'T KNOW, BITCH.

I'M JUST SORRY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Sheryl Underwood: LET'S TALK

ABOUT SOME FUN STUFF REAL FAST.

SINGLE LADIES MAKE SOME NOISE.

[CHEERS]

SINGLE LADIES, DO YOU LIKE BEING

SINGLE?

[CHEERS]

YES, YOU LIKE IT?

WHY YOU LIKE BEING SINGLE?

YELL OUT.

Female Audience Member: NO MAN.

Sheryl Underwood: NO MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MAN!

NOW SEE, MEN, LET ME TELL

YA SOMETHING.

EVERY WOMAN DON'T WANNA BE

IN LOVE WITH YOU.

SOME OF US JUST WANNA HAVE SEX.

WE DON'T WANNA KNOW YOUR NAME.

WE DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT

YO PROBLEMS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, DON'T PULL

YOUR PANTS DOWN TOO FAR 'CAUSE

YOU'RE NOT STAYING VERY LONG.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

HURRY UP AND DO WHAT YOU

GOTTA DO BEFO' MY KIDS WAKE UP.

[LAUGHTER]

I NOTICE WE GOT SOME

INTER-RACIALS GOING ON.

NOW I'M WELL DOCUMENTED

ON BEING AGAINST INTER-RACIAL

BUT I WAS WRONG.

TO THE WHITE GIRLS IN THE ROOM,

I'M SORRY.

I WAS RAISED IN THE CHURCH

OF CHRIST.

WE WAS TAUGHT, IF YOU DO

SOMETHING BAD YOU NEED TO ASK

FOR FORGIVENESS.

I'M ASKING ALL THE WHITE GIRLS

TO FORGIVE ME.

I WAS ANGRY WITH YOU.

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND,

HOW DO THE WHITE GIRLS KNOW

WHERE THE RICH, BLACK, SINGLE,

SUCCESSFUL BACHELOR LIVE.

DO THEY HAVE A WEBSITE?

DO THEY HAVE AN ASSOCIATION AND

THEY'RE E-MAILING EACH OTHER?

SO NOW I'M APOLOGIZING TO ALL

THE WHITE GIRLS.

IF Y'ALL WANNA HAVE SOME SEX

WITH SOME BLACK MEN GO AHEAD.

THERE'S SOME BROTHERS WE WISH

YOU'D TAKE OFF OUR DAMN HANDS.

BUT IF YOU GONE HAVE SEX WITH A

BLACK MAN, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT.

TELL 'EM SISTERS.

WE NOT GONNA FIGHT OVER NO MAN,

ARE WE?

BUT WE WILL KNOCK A BITCH OUT

FOR DISRESPECTING US, WON'T WE?

[WOMEN AGREEING]

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHITE GIRLS

SOMETHING THE SISTERS DON'T WANT

YOU TO KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD KILL

A BLACK WOMAN?

TO GET BEAT UP BY A WHITE GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT 'EM, LOOK AT 'EM.

THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU CANNOT

COME HOME FROM WORK WITH YOUR

EYES SWOLLEN, LIP ALL BUSTED,

BLOUSE ALL TAUT 'CAUSE YOUR

BLACK GIRLFRIEND WILL GO,

"(BLEEP) DAMN, WHO DID THAT

TO YOU?

YOU BETTER NOT SAY TAMMY

FROM CLERICAL (BLEEP) YO ASS UP

LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE SHE GONE MAKE YOU

GO BACK TO WORK AND FIGHT THAT

WHITE GIRL AGAIN.

AND YOU A SORRY SISTAH TO GET

BEAT UP TWICE BY A WHITE GIRL

THAT DID THE WINDMILL ON YOUR

ASS.

THESE WHITE GIRLS AIN'T PLAYIN'.

THEY WATCHIN' CHARLIE'S ANGELS

AND THEY AIN'T PLAYIN'.

RIGHT NOW I'M IN LOVE

WITH A BLACK MAN...

BIG BLACK.

UMM, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M IN LOVE

WITH A BLACK, BLACK, BLACK...

HE THAT BLACK.

HE DARKER THAN ME BLACK.

AND YOU KNOW, SEE WHITE FOLK,

Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND;

TWO DARK-SKINNED PEOPLE DO NOT

MARRY EACH OTHER BECAUSE THAT

BLACKNESS WILL CANCEL EACH OTHER

OUT.

IF I HAD A BABY BY 'EM,

WHAT THE BABY GONE LOOK LIKE,

A PUFF OF SMOKE, A PIECE OF

CHARCOAL?

WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WOULD DO A WHITE MAN, TOO.

I SEE SOME CUTE WHITE BOYS

UP IN HERE.

I LIKE WHITE MEN.

YOU KNOW WHY?

SEE BROTHERS ALWAYS ASK ME,

"SHERYL, WHY DO YOU HAVE SEX

WITH A WHITE MAN?"

LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

'CAUSE SOME WHITE MEN WOULD DO

ANYTHING TO PLEASE YA.

LET ME TELL YA HOW I KNOW.

I WAS WITH THIS WHITE BOY,

DON'T TELL NOBODY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHITE BOY SAID, "SHERYL,

WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOU FALL

IN LOVE WITH ME?"

I SAID, "PAY OFF MY STUDENT

LOANS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SEE LADIES, WE KNOW

WE INDEPENDENT.

WE KNOW WE CAN MAKE OUR OWN

MONEY.

BUT YOU AIN'T GOT TO TELL NO MAN

THAT.

LADIES, NEVER ASK A MAN THIS

QUESTION.

NEVER WALK UP TO A MAN AND GO,

"WHAT YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?"

YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY CAN'T TELL YOU.

WHAT THEY REALLY WANNA TELL YOU

WHEN YOU WHEN THEY GO,

"WHAT YOU THINKING ABOUT?"

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SAY, "WHAT YOU

THINKING ABOUT?"

WHAT HE WANNA SAY IS,

"I WAS THINKING YOU NEED TO GET

YOUR BIG ASS OUT FROM IN FRONT

OF THE DAMN TV WHILE I'M TRYING

TO WATCH A GAME."

BUT I CAN'T SAY THAT (BLEEP) TO

YOU, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA WANT SOME

SEX IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE LADIES, WE ARE OUR OWN WORST

ENEMY.

SEE EVERY WOMAN AIN'T YO FRIEND.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOR YOU

ARE BUT YOU BETTER LEARN THIS;

EVERY WOMAN AIN'T YO FRIEND.

SO FIRST OF ALL, STOP TELLIN'

ALL YO DAMN BUSINESS.

SHUT YA MOUTH.

I KNOW YOU EXCITED ABOUT MEETING

A MAN, BUT NEVER LET A WOMAN

IN YO HOUSE.

SISTER, GRANDMA, AVON LADY,

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.

DO NOT LET A WOMAN IN YO HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, IT'S NOT A STRANGER

THAT'S GONNA TRY TO GET YO MAN.

IT'S THE PERSON SITTIN' RIGHT

NEXT TO YA THAT'S GONE WATCH

AND STUDY.

THIS IS THE GIRL THAT, SHE JUST

NOT GONE WALK UP TO YO HOUSE,

SHE GONE TRY TO SNEAK HER WAY

IN.

SHE GONNA SAY, "GIRL LET ME

BRING BACK THEM BROWN SHOES

I BORROW."

YOU TELL HER, "THROW THEM SHOES

IN THE YARD AND KEEP ROLLIN'

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T COMING UP IN

HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, LADIES, YOU WANNA GET WITH

A MAN, FIX YOURSELF UP.

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NEED

TO DO?

EXFOLIATE.

SCRAPE THE DEAD SKIN OFF

YO BODY.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU THINK

YOU CLEAN AND YOU AIN'T CLEAN.

WASH ALL OF YOUR ASS.

LOTION ALL OF YO ASS.

DON'T JUST LOTION WHAT'S HANGING

OUT THE PANTS LEG AND HANGING

OUT THE SLEEVE.

DRINK WATER AND CRANBERRY JUICE.

WHY?

IF YO URINE, PEE OR SWEAT SMELLS

STRONGER THAN AMMONIA, PINE SOL,

OR MR. CLEAN, YOU ARE NASTY.

[LAUGHTER]

STOP SMOKING.

MOST MEN DO NOT LIKE WOMEN

THAT SMOKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY WILL TOLERATE IT,

BUT THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

BUT WE DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN

WHAT A MAN THINK.

THINK ABOUT YOUR HEATH.

WE NEED EVERY WOMAN ON THIS

EARTH.

WHY?

'CAUSE WE GET ENERGY FROM

EACH OTHER.

I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOR YOU ARE,

IF YOU'RE A GOOD WOMAN YOU SEND

ENERGY TO ANOTHER GOOD WOMAN.

SO I NEED YA HEALTHY.

SO PUT THEM DAMN CIGARETTES

DOWN.

YOU GO TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE

OF YOURSELF AND YOUR BODY.

LEARN HOW TO HOLD YOUR LIQUEUR.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY?

A MAN WANT A WOMAN WHO CARRY

HERSELF LIKE A LADY AT ALL TIME.

MEN WANT A WOMAN THEY CAN WALK

DOWN THE STREET, MEN THEY DON'T

EVEN KNOW, GO, "THAT'S YO

WOMAN?"

"YEAH, THAT'S ME."

HE DON'T WANT NO WOMAN HE GOTTA

EXPLAIN STUFF ABOUT TO EVERYBODY

HE MEET WHILE HE WALKING DOWN

THE STREET.

HE DON'T MIND IF YOU HAVE

A GLASS OF WINE, OR A BEER,

OR A SHOT OF TEQUILA.

BUT WHAT HE DON'T WANT IS A

DRUNK WOMAN IN A PARKING LOT

GOING, I PEED ON MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

I DID.

I DID.

I PEED ON MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

Sheryl Underwood: LADIES,

I DON'T BELIEVE IN DIVORCE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

EVEN IF YOU CATCH YO MAN IN BED

WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, SHUT UP.

LOOK AT THE WOMEN.

"UH-UH, SHERYL, YOU WRONG ON

THIS ONE."

THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

WHEN YOU CATCH YO MAN IN BED

WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, YOU DON'T

DIVORCE 'EM.

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GET HEALTHY.

START JOGGING, SWIMMING, EATIN'

BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN

BREASTS AND VEGETABLES AND DRINK

GREEN TEA AND LIVE WITH THAT MAN

FOR THE REST OF HIS NATURAL

LIFE.

WHY?

THE VOW SAYS WHAT, SISTERS?

"TILL DEATH DO US PART."

YOU FIRST BROTHER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T DIVORCE 'EM.

THAT'S TOO EASY.

NOW LADIES, WHAT YA GOT TO

REMEMBER IS, PLAY GAMES

WITH YA MAN.

SPICE UP YO RELATIONSHIP 'CAUSE

YOU GOTTA DO STUFF TO MAKE YOUR

RELATIONSHIP UNPREDICTABLE

'CAUSE MEN DON'T LIKE STAGNANT

RELATIONSHIPS.

WOMAN LIKE CONSISTENCY.

MEN WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT

ALL THE TIME.

SO YOU KNOW PLAY A GAME

WITH A MAN.

YOU KNOW PLAY THE GAME WHERE

YOU LET 'EM BREAK INTO YOUR

HOUSE AND JUST TAKE THE SEX.

YOU KNOW THAT'S ALWAYS FUN.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES, WHEN YOU GO OUT TO A BAR

WITH A MAN, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES

PLAY THIS GAME WITH YO MAN.

PLAY PROSTITUTION WITH YO MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW GET DRESSED UP IN A

HOOTCHIE OUTFIT, SIT ON THE BAR,

LET YO MAN COME IN AND GO,

SO HOW MUCH?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW PLAY THE GAME WITH 'EM.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE I DO THAT WITH

MY MAN.

WE WENT OUT ONCE AND HE SAY

"HOW MUCH?"

I SAID "$50."

HE SAID "$50?"

HE'S SO CHICKEN (BLEEP),

WE HAGGLED.

"$50?

WHY $50?"

"WHY NOT $50."

ANOTHER MAN WALKED OVER

AND SAID, "I'LL GIVE YA $100."

I SAID, "LOOK, I SEE YA LATER.

LET ME HANDLE THIS RIGHT HERE."

Y'ALL BEEN GREAT.

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