Tuesday, April 19, 2016

  • 04/19/2016

Chris Kluwe, Tom Ellis and Rachel Feinstein narrate an intimate scene between two lions for a nature documentary, #MakeTVShowsEvil and gripe about life's letdowns.

A powerful imageof two males lions

havinga Brokeback Mountain moment

has been making the rounds on--I don't know--

-let's call it "Porn Cub." Uh...-(laughter)

-You know what that is.-(laughter)

See the picture there?There they are. Aw.

♪ Can you feelthe love tonight? ♪

(cheers and applause)

♪ It's enough to make kingsand vagabonds... ♪

FEINSTEIN:I do feel like this is what

Elton John was picturing when hewrote that Lion King soundtrack.

HARDWICK: When he wrotethe song. Yeah, exactly.

-I'll give you100 points for that. -Thank you.

Um, I don't know howthis happened.

-I'm assuming they meton Grrrindr. Uh... -(laughter)

These two hooked upwith a lioness nearby,

leading experts to thinkshe may have been pregnant,

or maybe she just watchingand rubbin' one out. Who knows.

But according to zoologists,

homosexual behaviorhas been found in all species,

with the exceptionof the species

that never have sex at all,

-such as sea urchinsand Ted Cruz. -(laughter)

So, comedians...

-Uh, I love this expression.-Yeah.

"Please, could you just notlook at... please?

KLUWE: Yeah, just...just give us a moment.

FEINSTEIN: Give us a minute,for Christ's sake.

-Just give us privacy.-Let 'em finish.

HARDWICK:I'd love to send these two lions

to North Carolinaand watch businesses try

to refuse them service. Um,it'd be pretty (bleep) amazing.

Un, now, since this kind ofbehavior is not uncommon

in the animal kingdom, I wouldlike you to narrate this scene

in the style of a stodgyBritish nature documentary.

-Of course Tom Ellis.-(laughter, applause)

He may have a leg upon this one.

(his British accent):So, here we are,

deep in the plains of Africa

watching these two male lionsgo at it hammer and tongue.

Oh, yeah, that's, uh...

Mmm. Wow, that is...

Anyway, I'd better go, love,'cause I got to direct

-the, uh, documentary there.-HARDWICK: Points.

-(cheers and applause)-Points.

I liked your...

That's so not fair!

I appreciated that he was...I appreciated that

-you were thrusting while youwere... -Yeah, he was really...

-Yeah. -I really liked thefinishing touch of you slowly

(bleep) the podium.

HARDWICK: You know what it is?It's always great

when we get, like,an actor actor on the show

that really takes usinto the part.

FEINSTEIN: Yeah, he brought thatto life for me.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, it's good.-And I feel soiled somehow.

I wouldn't say...

I would thinkthat's just what it's like

-to talk to Tom Ellison the phone. -(laughter)

Rachel.

In the bushes, you can seeTed Cruz shame-masturbate.

-HARDWICK: Yes, points.-(laughter, applause)

And that is a thing.I do it.

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points. Points.-I shame-masturbate.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

Tonight we're visited bythe star of Fox's Lucifer,

a show about the devilcoming to Los Angeles

to help cops punish criminals.

Fun fact... And the audience isvery... "Yes, yes, get it."

Now, it's the only show on TV

about an ancient evil creatureliving in Los Angeles,

whose title doesn't begin withthe words "Real Housewives of."

-So...-(laughter)

In honor of Sataninvading the small screen...

Do people run upto you in the street,

and they go, "Satan! Satan!"

-All the time.-That's fantastic.

-FEINSTEIN: God.-Uh, so in honor

of Satan invadingthe small screen,

tonight's hashtag is...#MakeTVShowsEvil.

Make TV Shows Evil.So, examp...

Oh, (bleep), yeah. Uh...

(applause and cheering)

Oh, yeah.

-You look high as (bleep)right now. -Really high there.

Yes, I'm highon the blood of innocent.

Examples might be, How I Met Your Murderer,

or Killmore Girls I'm gonna put60 seconds on the clock.

And begin. Chris.

From the producer of Friends, Enemies.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.Rachel Feinstein. -(laughter)

-To Catch and Release a Predator. -Points!

(laughter, applause)

-Rachel. -Storage War Crimes.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.-(laughter)

Tom.

Non-consenual Sex in the City?

-HARDWICK: Points.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Points. Very evil. Very evil.

-Tom.-Uh, The Cosby Show.

(laughing and groaning,applause and cheering)

HARDWICK:I mean, now, yeah.

Yeah. Points. Kluwe.

Mr. Roger Goodell's Neighborhood.

Yes, points.Rachel Feinstein.

Dora the Impaler.

-Points.-She's adorable!

I am going to put this spike

-through your spine!-(laughter)

-Chris. -The Walking Dead, But They're Racist.

(laughter)

This is terrible! These zombiesare only attacking minorities!

-(laughter)-Uh, Tom Ellis.

How I Hired a Guy to Kill Your Mother.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter)

-Rachel. -Curious George Zimmerman.

-Points.-What'll he do next?!

HARDWICK:Oh, totally! Yeah!

-Tom. -(ghostly moaning): Doctor Whoo....

(laughter)

Last Friday was That Sucks Day,

the one day a yearwhen we're allowed to talk

about all the thingsthat suck in our lives--

from bad haircutsto manspreading on the subway

to how Chris Hardwick suckscorporate (bleep)

'cause he likedthe Walking De finale.

Uh, and... we missed our chance,and that sucks.

So, comedians, let's celebrateThat Sucks Day right here,

right now, by ventingabout things that suck.

In 60 seconds. And begin. Tom.

My new inflatable dartboard.

-Yes. Points. Chris.-Terrible.

Covering up concussion studies

in a multi-billion-dollarsports league.

All right.

What would you know about that?!

Points. Tom.

Uh, whatever's on the other sideof that weird hole

-in my dressing room.-All right, points.

-Rachel.-People on Tinder

looking for a partner in crime.

Yeah. All right, points.

Oh, that's so... I knowexactly what you're... Chris.

Using a racial sluras your team's name.

All right, points. Tom.

People that say, "Oh, my God,that's so funny"

-instead of actually laughing.Yeah. -Yes, points.

Points. Rachel.

People that argueabout the Holocaust

under unboxing videos.

-In the comment section.-All right, points.

-I'm just specifically...-Yeah. Points. Chris.

Nickelback.

(buzzer sounds)

Well, the science backs it upnow.