Flying Stripper

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 11/09/2011

A magician transforms date night into a disaster, a stripper is bestowed with magical powers, and a cereal mascot turns a holiday dinner into a bloody atrocity.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT

BEING LIKEPSYCHOTICALLY FAMOUS,

LIKE,I ALWAYS, LIKE,WONDER, LIKE,

WHAT WOULD IT JUST BE LIKETO BE JOHNNY DEPP?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

LIKE, JUST LEVELS OF FAME,WHERE I'M JUST LIKE--

WHAT DOES JOHNNY DEPP DO,LIKE, EVERY DAY?

YOU JUST WAKE UPAND YOU'RE THAT -- AWESOME.

YOU JUST LOOK AMAZING,EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

AND IF I WERE JOHNNY DEPP--

IF I JUST HAD A COUPLEOF DAYS BEING JOHNNY DEPP--

LIKE, HE'S SO FAMOUSAND LOVED THAT HE COULD

WAKE UP-- JUST WAKE UPIN CALIFORNIA ONE DAY

AND JUST BELIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M GONNA GO TO THE AIRPORT."

PICK ANY STATE.ANY STATE.

JUST FLY TO ALABAMA,JUST GET OFF THE PLANE,

GET IN A CAR,JUST DRIVE OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.JUST GO OUT OF, LIKE, SUBURBS

SOME LITTLE TOWN--MAYBE IT'S 7:00 AT NIGHT.

IT'S LIKE DINNERTIME.JUST WALK IT.

PULL UP IN FRONT OF SOME HOUSE,JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE.JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

DINNERTIME, NICE FAMILY,A COUPLE KIDS,

A DOG, EVERYONESITTING DOWN TO DINNER.

HE DOESN'T KNOCK.HE'S JOHNNY DEPP.

HE JUST WALKS RIGHTINTO THE HOUSE.

JUST WALKS RIGHTINTO THE DINING ROOM,JUST WALKS IN.

JUST LIKE,"WHAT'S UP, YOU GUYS?

I'M JOHNNY DEPP.

WHO WANTS TO SMELLMY PENIS?"

TWO SECONDS,THAT WHOLE FAMILY'SSMELLING HIS PENIS.

BUT LIKE, YOU'RE THAT FAMOUS,YOU CAN JUST DO SOMETHINGLIKE THAT.

MERYL STREEP,SHE COULD DO THAT.

SHE COULD WALK INTO A CONVENT.SHE BE LIKE,

( falsetto )"WHO WANTS TO SMELLMY BOOB SWEAT?"

ALL THOSE NUNS ARE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE DON'T

SUPPORT THAT,BUT YOU ARE MERYL STREEP

AND WE DON'T MINDTHE SMELL OF BOOB SWEAT.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA LINE UP HERE AND GETA WHIFF OF SOME BOOBS."

THEY'D DO SHOTSOF HER BOOB SWEAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?THEY'RE LIKE,

"'DEVIL WEARS PRADA,' DONE!"

BY THE WAY, THIS IS A MAKE-UPOF ME AND JOHNNY DEPP

IF WE EVER HAD A SON.

THERE'S JOHNNY DEPPAND THERE'S NICK DEPP.

HOW AWFUL IS THAT?

NICK DEPP IS AWFUL.

I CANNOT PULL THAT LOOK OFF.LOOK AT THAT GUY.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON.GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP.

GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP.LOOK AT THAT GUY!

WHAT A BADASS!GO BACK TO NICK DEPP.

NO!GO AWAY.

STAY AWAYFROM MY DAUGHTER.

COMING SOON TO A.B.C., A SPECIAL TELEVISION EVENT.

WELCOME TO PEELER'S STRIP CLUB:

A PLACE WHERE SOPHISTICATED GENTLEMEN COME TO GET CREEPY

AND THE PRINCESS OF THE POLE IS JONBENET.

BUT HER REIGN MAY BE IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A PROBLEM

SHE CAN'T GRIND HER WAY OUT OF.

JonBenét: WHAT'S WRONG WITH PINKBERRY?

I FIRED HER 'CAUSE HER TITSARE TOO SMALL.

Announcer: NOW ONLY ONE PERSON CAN HELP HER-- THE MAGICAL NEGRO

WHO WAS PUT HERE ON EARTH TO HELP THE BLONDE-HAIRED BLUE-EYED DEVILS.

- DON'T TELL ME THEY FIRED YOU TOO?- NO, SWEETHEART.

I'M RETIRING.BEING A BATHROOM ATTENDANT'SA YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

WELL, IN THAT CASEI'LL SNEAK YOU ONE DANCE.

THAT DANCE ISN'TFOR ME, DARLING.IT'S FOR YOU.

HUH?

Announcer: THANKS TO HIS STREETWISE NEGRO MAGIC

AND HER BULIMIA, JONBENET IS LIGHT ENOUGH

TO BECOME THE FLYING STRIPPER.

AND WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

- FUNDRAISER FOR FAKE BOOBS!- WHOO!

Announcer: LIKE ALL STRIPPERS,

SHE WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED GROWING UP,

BUT NOW SHE VIOLATES THE LAWS OF GRAVITY.

( kids screaming )

- YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL THEY'RE FAKE.- NO, NOT AT ALL.

Announcer: JONBENET ALWAYS GIVES BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CLUB'SSUPPLY OF HEROIN.

DEALING DRUGS IS THE ONLY THINGTHAT KEEPS THIS PLACE OPEN.

I CAN FLY DRUGSOVER THE MEXICAN BORDERON MY FLYING POLE.

YOU CAN BRING BACK MORE DRUGS AND MORE FAKE TITS.

- ( cheering )- YOU'RE WELCOME.

Announcer: BUT NOT IF ORVILLE, THE GLUE-SNIFFING STRIPPER,

- HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.- OH, I'LL BEAT JONBENET TO MEXICO.

- THEN I'LL TAKE OVER THE HEROIN TRADE.- ( engine starts )

- ( engine stalls )- ( screams )

Announcer: TAKE OFF AND TAKE IT ALL OFF

WITH "THE FLYING STRIPPER."

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