CC Presents: Tammy Pescatelli

  • Season 10, Ep 10
  • 03/23/2006

I'M HERE, YOU KNOW, A COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL,

A HALF-HOUR. IT'S SOLD OUT.

AND IT'S LIKE A DREAM FOR A GIRL FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND A GOOD DREAM, NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE ONES

WHERE LIKE YOU'RE NAKED AT WAL-MART LOOKING FOR YOUR FOURTH-GRADE ART PROJECT

AND YOU'RE SCARED THAT SOMEONE'S GONNA WALK IN.

I HAVE CRAZY DREAMS.

AND MY FAMILY, LIKE, HAS ALWAYS SUPPORTED THEM.

BUT THEY'RE-- MY FAMILY IS AMAZING.

BUT THEY CAN RUIN THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER-- THEY CAME TO VISIT ME IN L.A.,

17 OF MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS CAME TO SEE ME.

WE WENT TO DISNEYLAND. AND WE GOT KICKED OUT.

OKAY?

OF THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

IF THAT'S ANY INDICATIONOF MY FA-- AND I LOVE THEM ALL.

I HAVE THESE TWO TWIN UNCLES THAT ARE EVERY STEREOTYPE

YOU'VE EVER SEEN OF ITALIAN PEOPLE, RIGHT. LIKE TWO JOE PESCI'S.

THEY'RE THE GOLD CHAINSAND THE JOGGING SUITS.

AND THEY'RE NOT TALL ENOUGH TO RIDE THE RIDES. AND--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY SMUGGLE THEIR OWN HOMEMADE WINE INTO THE PARK.

AND THEY'RE DRUNK WALKING AROUND SMALL WORLD,

TELLING PEOPLE HOW UGLY THEIR BABIES ARE.

"HEY LADY, WANNA BANANAFOR THAT MONKEY?

LOOK AT THE FACEON THIS KID."

I MEAN, WE GOTKICKED OUT OF THE PARK.

AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH, RIGHT?

BUT REALLY, THAT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

BECAUSE MY UNCLE SAID THEFUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

I'VE BEEN A COMIC 11 YEARS.

I'VE HEARD NOTHING AS FUNNY AS THIS. THAT DAY,

THE SECURITY OFFICER'S PUSHING HIM AND PUSHING HIM.

AND MY UNCLE KINDA SQUARES UP, LOOKS AT HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE

AND GOES, "HEY. IF YOU DON'T GET OFF OF ME,

I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

"PUNCH YOU IN THE [BLEEP],"WHO SAYS THAT?

AND THAT'S A FIGHT THAT YOU'RE GONNA WIN, OKAY?

'CAUSE I DON'T CARE HOW SCRAPPY YOU ARE,

YOU CAN'T BLOCK A [BLEEP] PUNCH, ARIGHT?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM.

UFC, THEY'RE TAPPING OUT RIGHT AFTER THIS.

I GO, "I WAKE UP."

MY WHOLE FAMILY, LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID,

YOU KNOW HOW MOST OF YOUR FIRST MEMORIES ARE SOFT, NICE,

YOU'RE LIKE FOUR, FIVE YEARS OLD?

THEY'RE JUST SOFT MEMORIES, RIDING A BIKE OR WHATEVER?

NOT ME. MY FAMILY AT A BASEBALL GAME,

I THOUGHT MY GRANDFATHER HAD LOST HIS MIND.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME, HE JUMPS UP.

HE STARTS SCREAMING ATTHE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. HE'S LIKE

"80,000 PEOPLE.80,000 PEOPLE!"

I GO, "PAPA, WHAT'S WRONG?" HE GOES, "80,000 PEOPLE

AND THAT A BIRD HAD TO [BLEEP] ON ME."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I SAY, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU" ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE LIKE ME.

BUT LIKE, DON'T YOU SEE RIDICULOUS STUFF EVERY DAY

THAT YOU JUST WISH YOU COULD WALK UP TO THAT PERSON AND GO,

"HEY, COME HERE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

LIKE, THE CHUBBY GIRL WITH THE HALF-SHIRTS,

RIGHT, RIGHT? HUH?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "PUT A PONCHO ON. IT'S POPULAR NOW, OKAY?

"THEY DON'T HAVE MIRRORSWHERE YOU LIVE?

'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?'"

OR THE BOYS NOW, THE TREND IS LIKE THE BOYS WEAR THEIR PANTS

HALFWAY DOWN THEIR BUTT WITH THEIR UNDERWEAR HANGING OUT,

LIKE THE TELEPHONE RANG AND THEY WERE ON THE TOILET.

I'M LIKE, "PULL UP YOUR PANTS. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT.

"'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?'"

IF I HAD A TV SHOW CALLED, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

I WOULD INTERVIEW ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

LIKE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WHO FLEW HIS PLANE

OVER THE WHITE HOUSE,COST AMERICAN TAXPAYERS

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN NATIONAL SECURITY,

THEY SENT UP FLARES AND CHOPPERS,

AND THE MAN'S EXCUSE WAS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT

YOU COULDN'T FLY YOUR PLANE OVER THE WHITE HOUSE.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" OKAY?

'CAUSE I'M NOT A PILOT. ARE YOU A PILOT? YOU A PILOT?

YOU KNOW NOT TO FLY YOUR PLANE OVER THE WHITE HOUSE? AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

HOW ABOUT WHEN THE FIRST FIGHTER JET

- PULLS UP ALONGSIDE OF YOU?- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

PERHAPS THAT'S AHINT, GLIDER BOY, OKAY?LAND THE PLANE.

AND THEY'RE TAKING AWAYHIS PILOT'S LICENSE.

AND APPARENTLY HE'S APPEALING. 'CAUSE NOWADAYS

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. THEY APPEAL IT.

REMEMBER IN THE OLD DAYS

WHEN PEOPLE DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING AND THEY WOULD

HAVE THE RESPECT ENOUGHFOR THE REST OF US

TO STAY HOME FOR AWHILE?RIGHT, LIKE MARV ALBERT,

WE DIDN'T SEE HIMFOR THREE OR FOUR YEARS.THIS IDIOT IS APPEALING.

AND THE NEXT DAY HE WAS IN COURT APPEALING HIS SENTENCE.

I GO, "YOU KNOW, I WISH THAT I COULD BE THE GUEST JUDGE."

BECAUSE IF IT WERE UP TO ME,

I WOULD TAKE AWAY HIS PILOT'S LICENSE,

HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE. IF HE'S GOT A DOG,

I'D TAKE AWAYHIS DOG LICENSE.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME, EVERY DAY FOR ONE YEAR

HE SHOULD GET PUNCHED IN THE [BLEEP]. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

JUST HIRE ONE OFMY LITTLE HAIRY UNCLES.

"HOW YA DOIN'? BOOM! ARIGHT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW ABOUT 3:00.HAVE A GOOD DAY."

YOU THINK IT'S HARSH, BUT I'M CREATING JOBS.

YOU GET PUNCHED IN THE [BLEEP] EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR

THERE'LL BE NO REPEAT OFFENDERS. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT TERRELL OWENS. THAT'S THE SPORTS PART OF--

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

NOW PEOPLE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING.

YOU DON'T HAVETO KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL.

JUST KNOW THIS IS A MANWHO LITERALLY CAN'T GO

TO A $6 MILLION YEAR JOB ANYMORE 'CAUSE HE COULDN'T FIND

A WAY TO GET ALONG WITH HIS CO-WORKERS.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

$6 MILLION A YEAR. THAT'S CRAZY.

$6 MILLION A YEAR, YOU COULD PEE ON ME EVERY DAY AT WORK.

I WILL SHOW UP THE NEXT DAY.

"WHAT TIME YOU GOTTA PEE TOMORROW, COACH.

"YOU GOTTA TAKE A DUMP,I COULD COME IN EARLY.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M A TEAM PLAYER.

GET IN MY NEW CARAND GO HOME AND SHOWER."

$6 MILLION A YEAR, YOU COULD PEE ON ME AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY.

I'LL CALL 'EM UP. "MA, DAD, BRING THE BOYS, SHAVE THE DOG.

AND LEAVE THE WHORE AT HOME. THAT'S MY SISTER-IN-LAW."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S IT. THERE'S NO JOKE. I'M JUST TELLING EVERYBODY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD I HAD TO FIGHT

FOR THAT JOKE,'CAUSE LITERALLY

THEY'RE LIKE, "DON'T CALL YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW A WHORE ON TV."

I GO, "WHY?" THEY GO,"'CAUSE SHE'LL SUE YOU."

I GO, "FIRST, SHE GOTTA PROVE SHE'S NOT A WHORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET OUTTA HERE. IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. WHO'S THE JURY OF HER PEERS?

THEY DON'T REGISTER AT THE POLLS. THEY SWING ON 'EM.

GET OUTTA HERE.WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

IT'S NOT HER FAULT, REALLY. SERIOUSLY,

DIGNITY, A LITTLE SELF-RESPECT IN THIS COUNTRY?

THERE'S A WHOLE GENERATION OF YOUNG GIRLS WHO HAVE NO CLASS.

THEY FLASH THEIR TITONESEVERY CHANCE THEY GET.

- [LAUGHTER]- YEAH, TITONES.

THAT'S A NEIGHBORHOOD WORD FOR BREASTS.

DOESN'T IT SOUND LIKE THE AWARD YOU WIN

FOR THE BEST CLEAVAGE? "AND THE TITONE GOES TO."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE GIRLS. YOU SEE 'EM.

THEY MAKE THE VIDEOS. WILD AND SPRING BREAK.

AND THAT'S FINE. IT'S FUN NOW, RIGHT?

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS? I GREW UP WITH ALL BOYS.

IN FIVE YEARS FROM NOW,THOSE ARE THE SAME GIRLS

WHO ARE GONNA BE CRYING ON A TALK SHOW SOMEWHERE,

BLAMING ALL MEN. "I CAN'T FIND A GOOD MAN."

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A WHORE.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - SORRY.

NOW GET YOUR BABY AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THAT JOKE,'CAUSE I CAN ALWAYS TELLWHERE THE WHORES ARE.

- [LAUGHTER]- YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

EVERYBODY ELSE DOES TOO,DON'T KID YOURSELF.

NO, I LOVE THATYOU GUYS GOT THAT JOKE.

BECAUSE YOU GET IT, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW THERE'S

ALWAYS ONE IDIOT THAT RUINS EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,

LIKE THE GUY WHO WINS THE LOTTERY

AND SAYS HE'S GOING BACK TO WORK.

CAN YOU IMAGINE SITTINGNEXT TO THE GUY WHO WON

$340 MILLION IN THE LOT--

YOU WOULD STAB HIM IN THE EYE WITH A PAPER CLIP.

SO, YOU KNOW, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE IDIOT. SO, I TELL THAT JOKE ABOUT--

I SAY, "GET YOUR BABY AND GET OUTTA HERE."

AND THERE'S A WOMAN, AND SHE'S A CRITIC.

AND SHE HATES ME. AND SHE WRITES IN HER COLUMN

THAT I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN ALL SINGLE MOMS.

NOW, THAT'S NOTWHAT I'M SAYING.

I HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR MOTHERHOOD,

LET ALONE BEING A SINGLE MOM, OKAY.

I KNOW HOW HARDTHAT JOB HAS GOT TO BE,

'CAUSE I'M SINGLE AND I CAN'T RAISE SEA MONKEYS RIGHT NOW, ARIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHO I'M CUTTING DOWN WITH THAT JOKE WHEN I SAY,

"GET YOUR BABY AND GET OUTTA HERE?" WHORES.

AND IF THATOFFENDS YOU, GOOD. OKAY?

IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING. RIGHT?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHINGI LIKE TO CALL

THE "SAVE A HO" PROJECT. OKAY?

IT'S ABOUT BRINGING CLASS AND DIGNITY BACK TO THIS COUNTRY.

WE'LL GO CITY TO CITY, HIRE BOB VILLA.

WE'LL DO A MAKEOVER SHOW, CALL IT "THIS OLD HO."

- IT'LL BE WONDERFUL. - [LAUGHTER]

FIRST EPISODE WILL STAR MY SISTER-IN-LAW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S JUST LIKETHIS WHOLE GENERATION--

ESPECIALLY GIRLS WHO ARE TRYING TO BE PERFECT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. DO YOU KNOW THAT?

LIKE, MEN DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT FOR US.

- WE'RE LUCKY IF THEY SHOWER. - [LAUGHTER]

AND TRYING TO BE PERFECTWILL GET YOU IN TROUBLE.

'CAUSE I HAD A NEIGHBOR WHO GOT THE SILICONE TITONES,

AND ONE GOT HARD, JUST ONE, LIKE A ROCK.

THEN YOU CAN'T SWIM. YOU JUST KEEP FLIPPING OVER.

I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY CANCELED BAYWATCH, RIGHT.

'CAUSE THOSE BROADS ARE SCARING PEOPLE.

"IS THAT A SHARK?" "NO, THAT'S UNI-BOOB. LEAVE HER ALONE."

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND WHEN THEY GET 'EM DONE NOWADAYS,

HAVE YOU NOTICEDALL OF A SUDDEN

LIKE THEY GIVE THESEEXCUSES TO SHOW 'EM OFF.

IT'S A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION. GET OUTTA HERE, WAR--

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME IF I BELIEVE THAT?

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION, I'VE BEEN GETTING DRESSED

FOR A COUPLA DECADES BY MYSELF NOW.

NEVER ONCE DID I SIT DOWN FOR DINNER WITH MY FAMILY

AND MY TITONE JUST-- HEY. "OH, I'M SORRY, GRANDMA.

IT'S A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION. GET OFF ME."

YOU BETTER PRAY MY GRANDMA NEVER HAS

A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION, 'CAUSE YOU WON'T EAT FOR THREE DAYS.

OKAY, I SWEAR TO GOD. SHE HAS HUGE TITONES,

48 DOUBLE-E-LONG, ARIGHT. THEY'RE AWFUL, AWFUL.

AND THEY'RE LIKE WEAPONS TO HER, OKAY. SHE MAKES 'EM WORK.

SHE'S THE JACKIE CHANOF THE TITONE NUNCHUCKS.

IF YOU ACT UP IN A CORNER, SHE WON'T CHASE YOU.

SHE'LL JUST BOOBIE BOOMERANG YOU.

- JUST-- BOOM! - [LAUGHTER]

YOU LAUGH. YOU GET IN THE FACE WITH A NIPPLE.

YOU WILL STRAIGHTEN YOUR BAD ASS UP.

IT'S NOT MUCH FUN. BUT IT'S CRAZY,

BECAUSE LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER'S A ROLE MODEL TO ME.

A LOTTA THESE YOUNG GIRLS, THEY DON'T HAVE ROLE MODELS.

ROSEANNE AND PAULA POUNDSTONE,

THEY REALLY WERE ROLE MODELS TO ME.

WHO ARE THE ROLE MODELS FOR THESE YOUNG GIRLS NOW? WHO?

ANNA NICOLE? LOOK AT YOU. ANNA NICOLE-- SOMEBODY GO,

"DON'T PICK ON ANNA. SHE'S DUMB."

NOPE. SHE CHOSE TO BE DUMB, OKAY,

'CAUSE THE LIBRARY WAS OPEN FOR EVERYBODY, ARIGHT.

IT'S JUST MY OPINION. I DIDN'T HAVE A SPECIAL PASS

TO GET IN AND LEARN SOMETHING, A SECRET DECODER RING.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER, THOUGH.BECAUSE WHEN ANNA GAINED WEIGHT,

HOLLYWOOD MADE HER FEELSO BADLY ABOUT HERSELF.

'CAUSE IF YOU WATCHED WOMEN ON TV NOWADAYS,

THEY'RE ALL SO TINY, THEY'RE LIKE SIZE DOUBLE-ZERO.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

BUT THEY'RE MEAN 'CAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY. OKAY? IT'S AWFUL.

IT'S NOT NATURAL TO BE 28 YEARS OLD,

SHOPPING AT BABY GAP. OKAY?

THEY'RE MEAN.I'M TELLING YOU,

BECAUSE LITERALLY I WAS DOING A SHOW IN L.A.

AND AFTER THE SHOW,THIS GIRL CAME UP TO ME,

DOUBLE-ZERO GIRL, WANTED TO PHYSICALLY FIGHT ME.

NOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE WAS MAD ABOUT, OKAY.

PROBABLY SOMETHING I SAID ABOUT WHORES, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST-- YOU CANMAKE YOUR OWN DECISION.

BUT SHE WANTEDTO PHYSICALLY FIGHT ME.

AND I GO, "OKAY. WE'RE NOT DOING THIS.

"FIRST OF ALL-- TWO REASONS. NUMBER ONE, THERE'S NO CLASS

OR DIGNITY IN THAT, AND I'M NOT DOING IT."

I GO, "NUMBER TWO, YOU'RE A DOUBLE-ZERO

"AND I'M A GIRL FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

"IF I SWING AT YOU AND MISS,YOU'LL DIE OF PNEUMONIA, OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

JEEZ. AND PEOPLE ARE CRAZY THOUGH NOWADAYS, YOU KNOW.

AND REALLY, I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL--

I HAD BROTHERS TO TELL ME.NO ONE TELLS THESE YOUNG GIRLS.

AND THEY WATCH MTV. AND THEN THEY LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN THE OUTFITS THEY SEE THE WOMEN WEAR IN THE VIDEOS,

TWO POTATO CHIPSAND A BAND-AIDE. RIGHT?

AND THEY THINK THAT THEY'RE SEXY

JUST 'CAUSE A MAN WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THEM.

NO. JUST 'CAUSE A MANWANTS TO SLEEP WITH YOU

DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE SEXY;

'CAUSE MY BROTHERS WILL HUMP A COUCH

IF THE CUSHIONS ARE FLUFFY ENOUGH, OKAY? ARIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S JUST A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION.

THERE'S NOT A KNOT-HOLEIN A TREE IN AMERICA

THAT HASN'T HAD A LITTLE PEE-PEE SHOVED IN IT AT ONE POINT.

THAT'S WHY THEYCALL IT A WOODY, ARIGHT?I SWEAR TO GOD.

I LISTEN AT THE DOOR WHEN THEY HAVE THE MEETINGS.

SOME HERE-- "OH, SHE SAID--"

LISTEN, TRUST ME.THAT'S NOT A DIRTY JOKE.

THAT'S A MESSAGE FROM THE SAVE A HO PROJECT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE WOMEN RIGHT NOW AND I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH, AS A WOMAN, I WILL ADMIT

THAT WOMEN DRESSFOR OTHER WOMEN, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY MEN,IF WE LOVE YOU,

WE DRESS YOU FOR OTHER WOMEN, TOO.

THAT'S WHY WE DRESS YOU STUPID,

'CAUSE WE WANT ANOTHER WOMAN TO LOOK AT YOU, AND GO,

"HE'S CUTE, BUT I CAN'T FIX ALL OF THIS."

WHO DO YOU THINK INVENTED THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT, OKAY?

AND I KNOW THIS FROM GROWING UP WITH BOYS,

THAT PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING A MAN DOES

IS TO SEE A WOMAN NAKED. IT'S THE TRUTH.

IT REALLY IS. RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU KNOW IT.

YOU WAKE UP. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE JOBS.

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE HOMES. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE CARS,

JUST TO SEE A WOMAN NAKED.

AND YOU DON'T HAVETO GO THROUGH ALL THAT.YOU REALLY DON'T.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS PUT A SCALE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

'CAUSE THERE'S NOT A WOMAN ALIVE

WHO WEIGHS HERSELF COMPLETELY DRESSED. RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE START GETTING UNDRESSED ONTHE WAY TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

"WHOA, MY EARRINGS WEIGH THREE POUNDS. TAKE THESE OFF."

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S BEEN A LOTTA FUN. I'VE HAD A GREAT YEAR.

DID A LOTTACHARITY WORK THIS YEAR,

AND I LOVE DOING CHARITY WORK FOR GOOD CAUSES.

I'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP OUT IN ANY DISASTER, YOU KNOW.

THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKE DOING

IS HELPING PEOPLE WHOLOSE THEIR MOBILE HOMESTO NATURAL DISASTERS.

BECAUSE DON'T YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF "MOBILE"?

HOOK THAT SON-A-BITCH UPCOOTER, AND DRIVE. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE TIME.

I DID A CHARITY-- OH, GOD. YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS.

I DID A CHARITY SHOW FOR THE PLAYBOY FOUNDATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR CHARITY IS.

FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOYS WHO GOBLIND FROM READING THE MAGAZINE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T ASK. I'M JUST TRYING TO DO A GOOD DEED.

AND AFTERWARDS, THEY HAD A PARTY AT THE OLD DUDE'S HOUSE.

AND I DIDN'T WANNA GO. BUT MY BROTHERS MADE ME GO

- FOR RESEARCH.- [LAUGHTER]

AND MY BOYFRIEND WANTED TO GO.

YEAH RIGHT, LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

THAT WAS TERRIBLEAT THE PLAYBOY MANSION--

I WAS DRUNK. AND YOU KNOW WHEN WOMEN GET--

ALCOHOL AND ESTROGENIS A TRUTH SERUM, OKAY.

WHEN WE GET DRUNK,WE HAVE TO ANNOUNCE IT.

"I'M DRUNK, WOO, HIGH-FIVE, HIGH-FIVE, HIGH-FIVE."

AT THAT EXACT SECOND,EVERY GUY'S HEAD IN THAT

ENTIRE PLACE JUST GOES-- [ZOOM]

"DING DING DING, WE GOT A WINNER."

'CAUSE FOR A MINUTE, IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

THEY'RE WAITINGFOR THE WEAK ONE

TO FALL OFF FROM THE HERD, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE LIKE, "DARTER, PUT HERON THE TOP OF THE TRUCK.

"WE GOT A LIVE ONE HERE.LET'S GO.

"YOU GOT TAGS? COME ON.

WE'RE GONNA RELEASE HER IN THE WILD."

AND WHEN A WOMAN GETS DRUNK OUT WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS,

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE DRUNK CHICK CRY?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE-- [SCREECH]

THE HIGH-PITCH-- YOU WONDER WHY WHALES

RANDOMLY BEACH THEMSELVES SOMETIMES.

THINK IT'S A DIRECT RESULT OF GIRL'S NIGHT OUT.

YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE I'M THERE.

AND I'M FEISTY 'CAUSE I'M DRUNK.

AND THEY HAVE A TRAMPOLINE CONTEST TO RAISE MONEY.

AND I'M LIKE, "ANYTHING FOR THE CHILDREN."

AND LET ME TELL YOU, THOSE GIRLS.

THEY'RE LITTLE AND THEY'RE MEAN.

AND THEY DROP KICKED ME OFF THE TRAMPOLINE, OKAY.

AND I GO FLYING ON MY BUTT DOWN A HILL INTO A POND.

A PEACOCK GOES TO ATTACK ME. I THINK I'M PARALYZED.

BUT REALLY, I'M JUST DRUNK,STUCK IN THE MUD.

AND ALL I CAN DO IS PICTURE THE PHONE CALL TO MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

"MR. AND MRS. PESCATELLI. WE'RE SORRY TO INFORM YOU.

BUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEEN PARALYZED."

"OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?" "WELL, SHE WAS DRUNK

AND SHE FELL OFF THE TRAMPOLINEAT THE PLAYBOY MANSION."

"LEAVE THE WHORE THERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I COULDN'T WALKFOR THREE DAYS.

AND YOU COULD TALK ABOUT CLASS AND SELF-RESPECT AND DIGNITY ALL YOU WANT.

BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T WALK FOR THREE DAYS

AFTER GOING TO A PARTYAT THE PLAYBOY MANSION,

NOBODY BELIEVES IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH

AN UNFORTUNATE TRAMPOLINE ACCIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER MIND THE PRESIDENT OF THE SAVE A HO PROJECT.

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