Real Sext

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 05/07/2013

Amy tries to figure out sexting, visits a testicle-themed restaurant and interviews a stripper.

Oh, George, I'm so mixed up about everything.

Folks trying to stop us.

( text alert ringing )

They've always triedto run my life.

Like when I wanted to go to adance with a roadie.

( phone ringing )

What's up?

That guy Bobby justtexted me.

The one who wouldn't hook upwith you

'cause yousaid you look like his mom?

No, no, no, no--No, Bobby is the guy--

I hookedup with him--

Well, we didn't reallyhook up

'cause Icouldn't get him hard.

I thought his namewas Graham.

No, thathappened with him, too,

but, no, no, no, Bobby'sthe one I, like,

really, really,really, really like.

What should I do?

Just be yourself.

All right, love you.


(Amy)A lot of people have beentelling me

I looklike Jennifer Lawrence.

I don't see that.

Well, I know I'm tallerthan her.

I'm not crazy.

Jim, what's your problem?

I just don'tunderstand why you guys

would take me here.

Because youlove hot wings.

What are you talkingabout right now?

I do,they're fine,

it's just a guy doesn't wantto come to O'Nutters

rightafter a breakup.


'Cause there are a coupleof good-looking waiters here?

Hey ladies,how we doing?


All right,hey, excuse me.

My nuts aredown here.

( laughing )

Hey, I'm Amber, welcometo O'Nutters.

Thanks.Thank you.

So who'sbeen here before?

All right, so can Istart anybody off

with alittle pinot greej?

I'll have one.Yeah, me too.

Can Ihave a beer?

Uh, sorry, broham,no beer,

but we do have skinny girlwhite zin spritzers

and if you'dlike, I can 86 theparasol,

throw in a lemon chunkfor you.

I'll justhave a pinot.

All right, three pinotsfor my three pinoteers.

Hey, um.

Normally, I wouldn't riskgetting in trouble,

but you guysseem super cool.

If I were you, I'd gofor the pitcher,

save youa few bucks.

Right.Great tip, thank you.

Let's do it.

You gotit, no problem.

I'm being seriousright now.

You guysare models, right?


Oh my God!

We allwork at Payless.

Oh my God, that's myfavorite shoe store.

Get out.

But you guys should quitand become models.

I'll be right backwith those pinots, guys.

Thank you.You got it.

Oh my God.

That was so cool, he told usabout the pitcher deal.

He did nothave to do that.

I should get his numberand have him go out with us

when he getsoff work.Oh my God.

Wake up.

He's just trying to geta bigger tip.

Jim, okay,

I know that you're still bummedabout Karen,

but please, don'tjust dump your negativity on us.

At work it's one thing,

you know, all the shoes arearound, the people,

but here, on ourtime, please get it together.

We have one hourfor lunch,

we're hereto have a great time, okay?

Listen, I don't mean toeavesdrop on you, brosef,

but you don't wantto end up

likeRupert over there.

( glass smashing )

Yeah, after his wifeleft him,

he went intoa real deep depression.

Got pretty bad.

He forgot howto live.

So sad.

Don't let that happento you, man, okay?

Thank you.


Hey, giveme some nuts.


Give himsome nuts, Jim.

Go on, Jim.

There you go.

A little of this

and a little of thatand you return the favor.

Touch 'em.

Yeah, see?

There you go, huh--Fun?

So cute.Yeah.

It feels good, Jim--It's fun, right?

What didI just do?

It's good.Go with it, Jim, don'truin this.

You know what,guys?

I think I havegot just the cure

for senor sad sackover here.

The check?

( whistling )

Wet nut contest!

( cheering )

Go, go, go!


Jim, get up!

Get up!

( victorious yelling )

( victorious yelling )

♪ Somebody's reallypretty today ♪

♪ Somebody'sreally pretty today ♪

( phone text beeping )

( shutter clicking )


( shutter clicking )


( shutter clicking )

( shutter clicks )

Ooh, ooh.

( phone ringing )


( Jess ) What's wrong?

Okay, Bobby just text me,

he wants me to send him, like,a sexy picture.

Oh my God, did you?

No, no, I've been trying

and they're just,like, really bad.

Should I justsend him that one where--

Remember I met Hillary Clintonat LaGuardia?

Should Isend him that one?

You can, like, basically seemy nipple.

They made me take it offFacebook,

so it'sdefinitely not not sexual.

You're taking them yourself?

Yeah... Wait, what?

Honey, let me call my guy.Your guy?

( phone text beeping )

Oh, that's Bobby again.

Okay, I'm calling Danny P. right now.

Danny P.?

( knocking )

Hi, come on in.

Hi, thank you.

Cute place.

Do you teach artto cats?

Can Ioffer you something?

Offer me what?

Half a coconut waterand the dirt from your Brita?

I think I'm actually good,lonelybones,

I'm kind of in a rush.

What do you got already,let's see.


Why the cactus?

That's not a--that's not a cactus.

Okay, we need the bushteam on standby,

it looks likeshe's got a Hasidic rabbi

living in her underpants.

No offense.


We're just gonna clean you up,it'll take a second.

20 minutes.

Don't worry, you're in goodhands, okay?

I've done everyone's.

I'm talking Blake Lively,Scarlett Jo,

George Lopez.

It was actually my idea to makeBrett Favre's dick,

like, bright yellow.

No, that was you?

That was me.

Let's get to it.

Did youwear that yesterday?


Very good, but don't forgetyour duck mouth,

don't forgetthat duck mouth.

Now you're in a boat.

You're in a boat becauseyou're Pocahontas

and it's the new world!

Maybe less feathers.

Smile like you don'thave Spanx on.


Lay backand look really alluring.

Well, actually, don'tlook dead.

You're pregnant!

You're pregnant withgift cards !


Oh-- Are yougonna shit your pants?

Oh my God, are you gonnashit your pants?

You're so comfy.

Too comfy.

Too comfy.

Look, if you don't watch yourfucking shadow,

I will remove it.

Here we go.


You've got a secret and only thepillow can know.

Wash yourself.

Wash your whole body and yourarmpits and under your boobs.


Oh no, there's a spiderin your hair!

There's a spiderin your hair!


There's a spider in your hair,get it out!


We have our shot,that's a wrap.

You were amazing.


Unplug everything, we're gonnaburn this rat's nest down.

You were so great.

I'd love to stay and chat, butI've got to run downtown.

I have to shoot Diane Keatonbottomless with a turtleneck

like an hour ago, I'm sure youunderstand.

Oh my God, I just don'tknow how to thank you.

Just get fucked.


( phone sending tone )

( phone alert )

All of our friends hadleft us

and wewere both stuck there.

I mean, Napa Valley ofall places,

but that'sbasically how Carlos and I met.

I am very happy tomeet you.

Also, I'm finished.

Oh my God, Grandma,no, Carlos is not a busboy.

He's my boyfriend.

I'm so sorry.

Amy, it's okay, she grew upduring a different time.

Tell him to start mowingthe lawn by the pool

so it'll bequiet for my nap.

( announcer )Look familiar?

Are you tired of yourelderly relatives

thinking theirblatant racism is okay?

I don't know how to help my( bleep ) grandma!

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( applauding )

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