Wanda Sykes: Tongue Untied

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 01/09/2003

GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

GOT MY SPECIAL.

GOT A SHOW COMING OUT--

MY OWN SIT-COM COMING OUT.

AND I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT IT,

BECAUSE IT'S AN IDEA THAT

I CAME UP WITH.

YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU GET TO

DO A SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO DO,

YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ALL THEY BAD

IDEAS.

AND THEY HAD A LOT OF BAD IDEAS.

YOU KNOW, MY AGENT WOULD CALL

ME, AND SHE'S LIKE-- "WANDA, YOU

DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR THIS."

I'S LIKE, "NO, TELL ME,

WHAT IS IT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY A MAID.

AND YOU WIN THE LOTTERY.

BUT YOU LOVE WORKING FOR THIS

FAMILY SO MUCH...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU CONTINUE TO BE THEIR MAID."

I SAID, "SET IT UP.

I WANT TO MEET THESE PEOPLE.

SO I CAN SLAP THAT DUMB-ASS IDEA

RIGHT OUT THEY HEAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK PEOPLE

WANT TO WORK FOR YOU LIKE THAT.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

SOMEBODY WALKED IN HERE AND

TOLD ME I JUST WON THE LOTTERY,

I WOULD WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE

OF THIS JOKE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I FLEW IN HERE FROM L.A.

RIGHT?

(APPLAUSE)

AND THAT RANDOM SCREENING THAT

THEY SAY THEY DO AT THE AIRPORT?

THERE'S NOTHING RANDOM ABOUT

THE RANDOM SCREENING AT ALL.

I KNOW EVERY TIME I FLY,

I GET CHECKED TWICE.

THEY STOP ME AT SECURITY,

AND THEN THEY GET ME AGAIN

AT THE GATE.

THE LAST TIME WAS SO BAD,

THEY ACTUALLY MADE ME GO THROUGH

THE MACHINE WITH THE LUGGAGE.

I LIKE-- MAN, WHAT IN THE--

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY.

BEING ALL IRRADIATED.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, MAN?

THERE IS NOTHING RANDOM ABOUT

IT.

AND THEN, YOU GET TO THE GATE,

AND THEY STANDING THERE WITH A

SHERMAN WILLIAMS PAINT CHART.

IF YOUR ASS IS DARKER THAN

KHAKI, YOU GETTIN' SEARCHED.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SHOOT, I BEEN SEARCHED SO MUCH,

I SAID THE HELL WITH LUGGAGE.

I COULD JUST PUT ALL MY STUFF ON

A HANGAR.

THIS IS ALL I GOT, Y'ALL.

THAT'S IT.

Y'ALL SEE?

TWO...THREE PAIR OF DRAWERS.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN ALSO, THE PEOPLE WHO

DOIN' THE SEARCHIN', THEY SOUND

LIKE THEY JUST GOT INTO THE

COUNTRY FOUR DAYS AGO.

(LAUGHTER)

"OKAY, OKAY, MY FRIEND.

OKAY, I-- I NEED--

WHAT I NEED-- I THINK-- "

"NO, NO.

I NEED TO SEE YOUR ID."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE PRESIDENT KNOW BEFORE 9/11?

WHAT DID BUSH KNOW ABOUT 9/11?

WHAT DID HE KNOW?

AND I'M LIKE; HE DIDN'T KNOW

A DAMN THING.

REMEMBER; HE DIDN'T GET SMART

UNTIL AFTER 9/11.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE

FOR STUFF THAT WAS GOING ON BACK

THEN.

HE WASN'T PAYIN' ATTENTION.

YOU KNOW, DURING THE BRIEFINGS

HE WAS PROBABLY BUSY COLORIN'

ON SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.

YOU WANT TO LISTEN UP,

MR. PRESIDENT?

UH-UH, I'M BUSY, OH, GO AHEAD.

I WANT TO FINISH THIS ONE.

I THINK IT MIGHT MAKE THE

FRIDGE.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, LOOK, DICK, I STAYED IN THE

LINES THIS TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

(GIGGLING)

THE PRESIDENT NEEDS A NEW LAUGH.

THAT--

(MOCK LAUGHING)

THE PRESIDENT SHOULDN'T LAUGH

LIKE A VILLAIN.

UH-UH.

THE MAN LAUGH LIKE HE JUST TIED

SOMEBODY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.

WHAT THE HELL THAT?

(MOCK LAUGHING)

BUT YOU GOTTA GET BEHIND HIM.

THAT'S OUR PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW?

GOTTA SUPPORT HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW.

AND WE DO.

WE DO.

(APPLAUSE)

THE MAN HAS A 70% APPROVAL

RATING.

WHICH MAKES SENSE TO ME,

BECAUSE HE'S PRETTY MUCH DONE

EVERYTHING I EXPECTED HIM TO DO.

THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET,

WE'RE AT WAR AND EVERYTHING'S

ON FIRE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WANDA SYKES>> YOU KNOW,

THE THING THAT BUGS ME THOUGH,

IS LIKE--

NOBODY EVER WANTS TO ADMIT

WHEN THEY MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT?

NOBODY WANTS TO ADMIT IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT FBI, CIA,

NSA--

THEY MESSED UP.

BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTIN' IT,

THEY GO, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD

WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED 9/11

HAPPENIN'.

NO WAY IN THE WORLD."

YOU KNOW, THEN LATER ON, WE FIND

OUT ALL THESE DAMN MEMOS CAME

OUT, YOU KNOW, HIGHLY TRAINED

FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,

"I THINK THIS DUDE WANTS TO FLY

A PLANE INTO THE WORLD TRADE

CENTER."

BUT THEY LIKE, "WELL, THERE'S

NO WAY IN THE WORLD WE COULD

HAVE PREDICTED THAT."

YEAH, I COULD UNDERSTAND IF

MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US

TO FEEL SAFE.

SO, HOW THEY DO THAT?

BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.

EVERY TIME WE TURN AROUND,

THEY TELLIN' US, SOMETHING GONNA

HAPPEN.

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

CAN'T EVEN TURN ON THE T.V.

WITHOUT HEARING A WARNING,

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

AND THEY ALWAYS DO IT ON A

FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST TO MESS UP YOUR WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO IT

ON A SUNDAY NIGHT, TELL

EVERYBODY TO TAKE THE DAY OFF

MONDAY OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"UH-- UH, YEAH.

I AIN'T COMIN' IN TODAY.

NO, MAN.

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THAT'S WHAT DICK CHENEY

SAID."

DICK CHENEY, MAN, HE'S ON A DAMN

SCARE TOUR.

YOU CAN'T TURN THE T.V. ON--

THAT MAN SCARIN' THE HELL OUT OF

YOU.

AND I LOVE WATCHIN' THOSE

POLITICAL SHOWS, RIGHT--

SO SUNDAY MORNING, I'M WATCHIN'

MY FAVORITE SHOW, WATCHIN'

FACE THE NATION.

THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.

YOU KNOW IT LIKE WATCHIN'

CREATURE FEATURE, MAN?

DICK CHENEY LIKE, "OH, YES,

YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DOMESTIC

ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME.

I COULD HAPPEN NOW!"

I'M LIKE--

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA!

MY CEREAL WENT FLYIN' UP IN THE

AIR.

I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY

WALL.

(LAUGHTER)

CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE

SAME THING.

THAT WOMAN SCARE YOU TO DEATH.

YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS

TO THE PRESS, SHE'S UP THERE,

"TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET WITH--

DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?

(LAUGHTER)

CONDOLEEZZA RICE, THE NATIONAL

SECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THAT

WAS A PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

COME ON, NOW, YOU KNOW, A BLACK

WOMAN CAN'T KEEP NO SECRETS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SHE PROBABLY AT THE BEAUTY

PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR

BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, LOOK, I CAN'T BE

IN HERE ALL DAY.

WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JUST GET ME A QUICK PEDICURE.

I WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUT

OUR FOOT UP SADDAM'S ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

OUR AIR QUALITY'S ALL MESSED UP

NOW.

YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING.

WHEN THEY LOWERED THE EMISSION

STANDARDS.

YOU KNEW THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

WHEN THEY APPOINTED

CHRISTINE WHITMAN HEAD OF THE

E.P.A.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY

IS HEAD OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL

PROTECTION AGENCY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DO YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY NEW JERSEY

IS?

I MEAN, I'M SORRY, YOU DRIVE

THROUGH NEW JERSEY, YOU GONNA

GET A LUMP ON YOUR BREAST.

(LAUGHTER)

BETTER GET A MAMMOGRAM AT THE

TOLL.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AH, THAT'LL BE 2.40, AND PUT

YOUR TITTY UP HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHOO!

OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD.

WANDA SYKES>> NOBODY LIKES

TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.

NOBODY.

THEN WE FIND ALL THESE ENRON

GUYS, ALL THESE CEO'S ROBBING

EVERYBODY BLIND, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I TELL YOU, THAT STOCK

MARKET, BOY.

THAT'S WHY I GOT OUT.

I GOT OUT THE MARKET.

I CALLED MY BROKER.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, PUT ALL MY

MONEY IN WEED."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PRICE OF WEED NEVER GOES DOWN.

THAT'S A REAL BLUE CHIP RIGHT

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

THESE CEO'S MAN, THEY JUST

ROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.

I HOPE THEY GET A LOT OF

JAIL TIME, TOO.

BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY

GET IN COURT, EITHER THEY PLEAD

THE FIFTH OR THEY GO, "I DON'T

RECALL."

AND THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.

THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.

I MEAN, THAT SHOULDN'T BE

ACCEPTABLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU ASK ANY WOMAN IN

HERE, YOUR MAN COMES HOME,

AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN

CHEATIN' ON ME," AND HE GOES,

"I DON'T RECALL."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, AND THEN CONFERS WITH

HIS BUDDY.

"ONE MOMENT."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

"NO COMMENT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SHOOT.

YOU GONNA WHIP HIS ASS 'TIL HE

GETS HIS MEMORY BACK.

PUT UP WITH THAT.

BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN,

THEY RUTHLESS, BOY.

YOU KNOW THEY AFFECTED LIKE

MILLIONS OF LIVES.

THEY HAD PEOPLE OUT THERE,

THOUGHT THEY WAS GONNA BE ABLE

TO RETIRE IN FOUR YEARS,

AND THEN, THEY GOTTA WORK

40 MORE YEARS.

YOU KNOW, THEN YOU GOT PEOPLE

WHO WERE RETIRED, AND THEY GOTTA

GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL GONNA FEEL IT.

YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,

RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC, SOME 80 YEAR

OLD DUDE IN THE CARPOOL LANE,

JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU BASTARDS!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!

BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN, THEY--

I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,

YOU A SCARY DUDE, MAN.

I TELL YOU NOW, SHOOT, I WALK

PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,

I DON'T EVEN BLINK.

BUT IF I SEE A WHITE DUDE WITH A

WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.

SHOOT.

BEFORE I WALK PAST THE ARTHUR

ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH

THE PROJECTS.

(LAUGHTER)

CUTTIN' THROUGH THE PROJECTS,

YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU

HAVE ON YOU THAT DAY.

I AIN'T NEVER BEEN MUGGED OF MY

FUTURE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MARTHA STEWART.

NOW, SHE'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE

STOCK MARKET.

INSIDER TRADIN'.

YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS

UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S RICH.

RICH PEOPLE, THEY TALK TO OTHER

RICH PEOPLE, AND THEY TALK ABOUT

RICH STUFF.

PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.

WE ALL ARE GUILTY OF IT.

BROKE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO.

JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

I HAVE COUSINS WHO WORK AT

WAL-MART.

THEY ALWAYS CALLIN' ME.

"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"UH-UH.

NO.

IT'S GOIN' ON SALE TOMORROW."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"UH-HUH.

YEAH.

TWO FOR ONE.

TWO FOR ONE.

IT'S GONNA SPLIT.

IT'S GONNA SPLIT.

YEAH."

(LAU

CATHOLIC CHURCH, THEY IN

TROUBLE.

YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE POPE WAS

GONNA COME OUT AND JUST PUT HIS

FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?

JUST LAY THE LAW DOWN.

JUST GET IN THEY ASS.

YOU KNOW?

THOUGHT THE POPE WOULD JUST STEP

OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,

YOU MOTHER-(BLEEP) GOTTA CUT

THIS (BLEEP) OUT, ALL RIGHT?

Y'ALL SOME DIRTY BASTARDS.

I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).

IF Y'ALL DO KEEP THIS (BLEEP)

UP, YOU GONNA BUST HELL WIDE

OPEN.

I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).

I'M--

THAT'S IT, RIGHT NOW,

YA' BITCH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE SHOULD USE THOSE EXACT

WORDS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING

THAT WRONG: THE POPE SHOULD BE

ALLOWED TO CUSS YOU THE (BLEEP)

OUT.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT INSTEAD THE POPE AIN'T

REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, HE KIND OF TOUCHED

ON IT.

THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW, POPE

GETTIN' KIND OF OLD.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, WHO WE FOOLIN'?

THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.

THE POPE IS OLD.

IT'S TIME TO START THINKING

ABOUT PUTTIN' THE POPE IN THE

OLD POPE'S HOME.

I'M SORRY.

AND THEN, THE MAN, HE CAN'T EVEN

STAND UP STRAIGHT.

THE POPE ALL DOUBLED OVER.

AND THEN, THEY PUTTIN' THAT

BIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD

AND ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES AND

STUFF.

LIGHTEN THE MAN'S LOAD UP.

GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING

CAP OR SOMETHING.

HELP HIM OUT.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HELP THE POPE OUT.

INSTEAD OF ALL THOSE HEAVY

ROBES, GIVE HIM A PAIR OF

PAJAMAS.

LET HIM WHERE A LITTLE TANK TOP

AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW?

GIVE HIM SOME HOUSE SHOES OR

SOMETHING.

HELP THE MAN OUT.

AND NOW, THE POPE GOT A

HUNCHBACK.

WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?

NOW HE GOT A HUNCHBACK.

YOU SEE THE BIG HUNCH ON HIS

BACK NOW.

THAT'S WHERE HE STORES ALL THE

CONFESSIONS THAT HE HEARS FROM

THE PRIESTS.

UH-HUH.

YOU DID WHAT?

OH, LORD.

OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.

OH, OH.

OH, Y'ALL ARE KILLIN' ME.

OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.

MY HUNCH.

OH, OH.

THE BELLS, THE BELLS, THE BELLS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WANDA SYKES>> SO, I'VE BEEN OUT

IN L.A. A LOT.

L.A. IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF

DRIVIN'.

AND I HATE ALL THAT DAMN DRIVIN'

BECAUSE IT INTERFERES WITH MY

DRINKIN'.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE ME SOME

NEW YORK, BOY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT.

WE GET TOE UP IN NEW YORK.

YOU KNOW, NEW YORK, WE HAVE ALL

THOSE BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY CABS AND

STUFF.

OH, I LOVE THAT, MAN.

TELL YOU-- $5 OUT OF YOUR

POCKET, PIN YOUR ADDRESS TO YOUR

COLLAR.

WHOO!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GET HOME.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET THAT

CAB, MAN.

I KNOW HERE IN NEW YORK, I'M AT

THE BAR DRINKIN', THE BARTENDER

COMES OVER, "UH, CAN I GET YOU

ANOTHER ONE?"

"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME SEE.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, YEAH.

I COULD HAVE ABOUT TWO MORE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE IN NEW YORK, THAT'S ALL

YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DO.

JUST WANDER YOUR ASS TO THAT

CURB, AND--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I WAS IN FLORIDALAST WEEK, MAN.

LOT OF STRIP CLUBS IN FLORIDA.

GOOD, GRIEF.

EVERY ONE THEY CLOSED INNEW YORK, THEY MOVED TO FLORIDA.

I MEAN, FLORIDA GOT SO MANYSTRIP CLUBS, I MEAN, THEY NEED

TO CHANGE THEY STATE FLAG TOJUST A BRASS POLE.

YOU KNOW?

FLORIDA.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)I WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,

YOU KNOW, WITH THE GUYS, AFTERTHE SHOW, WE WENT TO THIS CLUB.

AND WE GET TO THE STRIP CLUB,AND THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO

CHARGE ME A COVER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

WANTING ME TO PAY.

I WAS LIKE "PAY?

ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?"I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.

I BROUGHT MY OWN TITTIES.

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY TO SEETITTIES, SHOOT?

I CAN SEE TITTIES FOR FREEALL DAY IF I WANT TO.

YEAH, I CAN EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.

CAN YOU DO THAT IN THERE?

I AIN'T THINK SO.

YOU KNOW, B.Y.O.T., MAN."

(LAUGHTER) BUT I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL.

ONCE I GOT INSIDE, AND SAW THOSETRIPLE-Gs AND STUFF, I WENT BACK

AND PAID.

(LAUGHTER)I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH.

I GET IT NOW.

I SEE.

YEAH, THESE ARE PROFESSIONALTITTIES IN HERE."

(LAUGHTER)OH, GOOD LORD, NO, MY TITTIES

COULDN'T DO THAT.

I GUESS IF YOUR TITTIES BIGGERTHAN YOUR HEAD, THEN, YEAH.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO PAY SOMEBILLS WITH THAT.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S RIGHT.

THERE'S THIS ONE CLUB I WENT TO,MAN.

THAT WAS THE END OF IT FOR ME.

WE WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,MAN.

IT WAS LIKE THE LOWEST, THE MOSTNASTIEST--

I MEAN, JUST RAW NAKED ASS.

THERE'S NO D.J., NO LIQUORLICENSE.

AND THE GIRLS, THEY DIDN'T EVENBOTHER DANCIN'.

THEY JUST STOOD UP THERE.

"LOOK AT IT!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?

LOOK AT IT!"(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE."

I'M TRYING TO SNEAK OUT AND ALL.

BUT THE GUYS, THEY WERE JUST INTHERE LOOKING AT IT.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE LIKEWEIRD LOOKIN' FREAKY GUYS.

THEY WERE JUST YOUR REGULARAVERAGE LOOKIN' GUY.

BUT THEY JUST NEEDED TO LOOK ATIT.

AND THAT'S WHEN I HAD A WHOLENEW RESPECT FOR MEN.

I WAS LIKE, BOY, BECAUSE THATMUST BE REALLY HARD BEING A MAN.

YOU KNOW, HAVE THAT THING UP INYOUR HEAD MESSIN' WITH YOU ALL

THE TIME.

HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE?

HOW DO YOU ALL HOLD DOWN JOBS,MAN?

YOU KNOW, YOU AT WORK, MINDINGYOUR BUSINESS, AND ALL OF A

SUDDEN THAT THING JUST KICKS IN.

(LOWERED VOICE)"LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.

(LAUGHTER)COME ON, MAN.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE SEEN IT?

LET'S GO LOOK AT IT."

I'M GLAD WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANYADDITIONAL THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOMFOR 'EM.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM FORADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.

THAT'S ALL WOMEN DO IS THINK.

WE ARE THINKERS.

THINK ALL THE TIME.

RIGHT?

(APPLAUSE)CAN'T STOP THINKING.

THINK, THINK, THINK.

CAN'T STOP THINKIN'.

LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER REMEMBEREDA TIME WHEN YOU HAD A MOMENT OF

SILENCE IN YOUR HEAD?

DOESN'T HAPPEN, DOES IT?

NO.

ALWAYS THINKING.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP,BECAUSE YOU WON'T SHUT THE HELL

UP.

YOU IN THE BED AND YOUR MINDIS JUST RACIN' ABOUT NOTHIN'.

JUST, "MMM, I NEED TO TALKTO HER TOMORROW, BECAUSE I

DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE SPOKETO ME TODAY.

AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE THISUNCOMFORTABLE THING GOING ON

BETWEEN US.

DID I LOCK THE DOOR?

I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSESHOES.

WHERE'S MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK?

OOOH, WHAT YOU GONNA HAVE FORLUNCH TOMORROW?

MMM, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY YOU THINKING ABOUT LUNCH?

YOU NEED TO HAVE A GOODBREAKFAST.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA START EVERY MORNINGWITH A GOOD BREAKFAST.

MAYBE I'LL START THAT LOW-CARBDIET.

THAT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR ALOT OF PEOPLE.

WHAT WAS MY THIRD GRADE ENGLISHTEACHER'S NAME?

WHAT WAS HER NAME?

MISS JONES.

MISS JENKINS.

WHOO!

IT'S LATE.

I NEED TO BE ASLEEP.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOIN' UP?

I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME THINK ABOUT IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)THAT'S WHY I ENVY MEN.

MAN, I WISH I COULD THINK LIKEA GUY.

BECAUSE GUYS, THEY DON'T SPENDALL THAT TIME, THINKING.

MAN, THEY THINK ABOUT IT,THOUGHT ABOUT IT, MOVIN' ON.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHY THEY ENJOY SPORTS.

BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOTTA THINKABOUT IT.

IT'S CUT AND DRY.

EITHER YOU GOT THE BASKET OR YOUDIDN'T.

EITHER YOU MADE THE TOUCHDOWNOR YOU DIDN'T.

IF THERE'S ANY QUESTION ABOUTIT, THERE'S A REFEREE RIGHT

THERE TO SORT IT ALL OUT FOR'EM.

AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, PLAYSTANDS AS CALLED "TOUCHDOWN".

STOP THINKING.

OKAY, THANK YOU, MAN.

THANK YOU.

WHOO!

I AIN'T GONNA-- OKAY.

NOW, I AIN'T GONNA DO ALL THATTHINKIN'.

THE TIME.

TALK ALL THE TIME.

BUT IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO

ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,

WHAT WE NEED, WHAT HOW WE FEEL.

YOU KNOW, HARD FOR US TO BE

DIRECT.

BECAUSE IF WE DO, WE RUN THE

RISK OF BEING CALLED A BITCH.

RIGHT?

SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.

GOTTA BE A LITTLE SLICK?

INSTEAD OF COMING OUT AND JUST

TELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'

YOU SOMETHING, WE'D RATHER GIVE

YOU A TEST.

OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,

AREN'T WE?

BOY, SAT'S, THEY AIN'T GOT

NOTHING ON US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, WOMEN WILL GIVE YOU A TEST,

BOY.

AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE

FAIL YOU AT TESTS THAT YOU DON'T

EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?

FAILIN' MISERABLY.

GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'T

EVEN KNOW THE TEST IS IN

PROGRESS.

HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?

EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.

OKAY, HERE'S THE SITUATION.

GUYS.

SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,

THERE'S A FEW DISHES IN THE

SINK.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'

THE DISHES.

YOU CHILL READING THE PAPER,

WHATEVER.

SHE COMES HOME SEES THE DISHES,

SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T

GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

BUT IT GETS DOWNLOADED.

SHE GONNA CREATE A LITTLE

FOLDER.

GONNA BE A LITTLE ICON WITH YOUR

FACE ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT'S GONNA SAY, "DISHES."

AND SHE-- (BOOP)-- RIGHT UP

THERE.

THREE MORE DAYS, AND THAT SAME

MESS GOES ON.

SHE COMES HOME, SEES YOU

CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY

ANYTHING.

THAT FOURTH DAY, SHE COMES HOME,

SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE GONNA

DOUBLE-CLICK RIGHT ON YOUR FACE.

CLICK-CLICK.

(LAUGHTER)

OPEN UP THE FOLDER.

LET ME THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS MAN

IS TRYING TO TELL ME.

WHAT IS THIS MAN TELLIN' ME?

WHAT IS HE SAYIN'?

IS HE TRYIN' TO TELL ME THAT I'M

THE LITTLE DISHWASHER AROUND

HERE?

HUH?

IS HE TELLIN' ME THAT WASHIN'

DISHES; THAT'S BENEATH HIM?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WORK HARD EVERY DAY, TOO.

MAYBE I'D LIKE TO COME HOME TO A

CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND

START ME EV-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO

WASH HIS DIRTY DISHES.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M NOT GONNA WASH ANOTHER

DAMN DISH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'M GONNA SEE HOW LONG HE'S

GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP

BEFORE HE'LL WASH 'EM.

THREE WEEKS GOES BY.

NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'T

EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

BECAUSE Y'ALL WALKING AROUND

THE HOUSE EATING OFF OF NAPKINS

WITH TOOTHPICKS.

(LAUGHTER)

AIN'T A DAMN THING CLEAN IN THE

HOUSE.

AND, FELLAS, YOU DON'T CARE,

BECAUSE YOU LIKE, SHOOT, THIS IS

HOW I LIVED BEFORE I MET YOUR

ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

OH, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE,

DOES IT?

OH, NO.

UH-UH.

YOU JUST AT THE GATES OF HELL

RIGHT NOW, FELLAS.

YOU AIN'T IN THE FIRE YET.

NO.

BECAUSE WITH WOMEN, SOMETHING

THAT WE'RE PISSED ABOUT IN THE

KITCHEN, IT'S GONNA WALK IT'S

WAY RIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY,

INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

AND GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING

TO BE ALL INTIMATE TRYING TO GET

A LITTLE SOMETHING GOING,

YOU KNOW.

DOING YOUR LITTLE POKIN' THING

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN

'A' STUDENT.

DON'T KNOW YOU GOT A BIG-ASS F.

YOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUST

SNAPS ON YOUR ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

AND NOW, YOU IN THE BED FELLAS

WITH CRACKED RIBS.

SHE DONE KNOCKED YOUR TOOTH

LOOSE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?

YOU'RE JUST ALL MR. ENERGY

TONIGHT, HUH?

OH, YOU'RE JUST BUBBLING WITH

ENERGY.

YOU'RE IN HERE RUBBING ON ME,

AND TOUCHING MY ASS.

BUT YOU CAN'T WASH A

(BLEEP)-DAMN GLASS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHY DON'T I GO SIT IN THE DISH

RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,

HUH?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GET OFF OF ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK MARRIAGE IS ANINSTITUTION FOR RAISING

CHILDREN.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I DON'T SEE THE OTHER PERKS,MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S THE ONLY REASON TO GET

MARRIED.

WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE SICKLY.

IF YOU'RE SICKLY, THEN--YOU KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED, HAVE

SOMEBODY TAKE CARE OF YOURSICK ASS.

YOU KNOW.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S JUST

FOR RAISING KIDS.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY?

THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.

I THINK WHEN YOU GET MARRIEDYOU'RE GOING INTO BUSINESS

TOGETHER.

YOU'RE DOING-- YOU'RE OPENINGA BUSINESS, RIGHT?

IN ALL BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TOHAVE A PRODUCT.

GOTTA PRODUCE SOMETHING.

WHY ARE YOU IN BUSINESS?

SEE WE WERE MARRIED SEVEN YEARS,NO KIDS.

SO, WE WENT OUTTA BUSINESS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)NO INVENTORY.

I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE TO MEIT WAS LIKE THIS.

OKAY.

I WAS TAKING CARE OF MYSELFBEFORE I MET YOU.

YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELFBEFORE YOU MET ME.

LET'S JUST CONTINUE DOWN THISSAME PATH.

YOU KNOW, LET'S BE TOGETHERSEPARATELY.

THAT WAS WORKING FOR ME.

BUT HE WOULD COME HOME AND JUSTSTAY STUFF TO ME THAT I JUST

DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.

HE WOULD WALK IN THE DOOR--"AH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"

"I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'D YOU COOK?"(LAUGHTER)

I ATE ALREADY.

I'M"--(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HE WOULD ACTUALLY SAY STUFF LIKETHAT.

HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS ONE TIME.

"I'M ALL OUTTA CLEAN UNDERWEAR."

"OOH, YOU NEED TO WASH.

(LAUGHTER)I DID MY LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.

I GOT A DRAWER FULL OF CLEANPANTIES.

LOOK AT THERE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO BORROW A PAIRTO TIDE YOU OVER IF YOU LIKE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)RAISING KIDS, MAN.

AND I GET ASKED THAT A LOT, TOO.

PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, DON'T YOUREGRET NOT HAVING KIDS?"

AND I GO, "NOT REALLY."

AND THEN IF THEY KEEP ASKING,I ALWAYS SAY THIS.

"WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE ONE DAYI'LL ADOPT."

BUT I DON'T MEAN THAT.

I DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S JUST SOMETHING I SAY

TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A NICERPERSON, THAT'S ALL.

I DON'T MEAN THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS THE WHOLE THINGWITH KIDS, TOO,

I DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUTNOT HAVING KIDS 'CAUSE

I DON'T HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING.

TO ME, THE CLOCK STOPPED AT 26.

YEAH, THIS WHOLE AGING PROCESSIS MESSING WITH ME, MAN, 'CAUSE

I STILL FEEL AND THINK THE SAMEWAY I DID WHEN I WAS 26.

YOU KNOW, SO I FEEL 26.

ESPECIALLY AFTER I HAVE A FEWDRINKS.

OH, BOY.

THEN IT REALLY KICKS IN, RIGHT?

'CAUSE, BOY, YOU HAVE A FEWDRINKS, BOY, YOU FEEL SEXY,

DON'T YOU?

I'M SAYING-- "I KNEW I WAS 26.

I'M--(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LYING-ASSCALENDAR WAS TALKING ABOUT.

I'M 26."

RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOUDRINK, DON'T YOU?

WHOO, YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOUDRINK.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DRINKING,FEELING SEXY.

AT THE BAR, TALKING TRASH.

THEN YOU GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM,AND YOU CHECK YOURSELF OUT IN

THE MIRROR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH.

DANG."

(LAUGHTER)"YOU'S A SEXY BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU LITTLE SEXY--

I'D (BLEEP) YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WHOO, YOU HOT."

FEEL SEXY, MAN.

ME AND MY FOUR GIRLFRIENDS--WE WENT DOWN TO SOUTH BEACH.

MAN, HANGING OUT IN MIAMI INSOUTH BEACH DRINKING.

WITH OUR LITTLE THONG BIKINISON, LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT.

FEELING SEXY.

FEELING 26.

UNTIL SOME REAL 26 YEAR OLDSWALK BY.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL PUT THAT DOWN.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

PASS ME MY SARONG.

IT GOT WINDY OUT HERE, DIDN'TIT?

A LITTLE 26 YEAR-OLD WINDJUST WHIPPED RIGHT THROUGH HERE,

DIDN'T IT?

WANDA SYKES>> SEE, WOMEN LOVE

FEELING SEXY.

WOMEN LOVE FEELING SEXY.

MEN LIKE HAVING SEX.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

SEE, MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT

FEELING SEXY AND NOT HAVING

SEX--

THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE

TO THEM.

THEY LIKE-- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU FEEL SEXY, BUT YOU DON'T

WANT TO HAVE SEX.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, THAT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE.

I DON'T--

THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

'CAUSE GUYS--

THEY'RE LIKE--

YOU CAN'T FEEL ANY SEXIER WHEN

YOU'RE HAVING SEX.

THAT'S THE EPITOME OF FEELING

SEXY.

THE GUYS--

GUYS ARE LIKE "BABY, YOU JUST

DON'T KNOW HOW SEXY YOU LOOK IN

THAT DOGGY POSITION.

NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU,

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO SEXY.

AND THE WAY THE LIGHT FROM THE

TV HITS THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, BABY!

IT'S SO SEXY.

BUT I DON'T BLAME GUYS THOUGH.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU JUST GO LOOK AT

THE ACT OF SEX, GUYS GOT IT

MADE.

Y'ALL REALLY DO.

LOOK AT THAT.

EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX, MAN,

YOU'RE GONNA COMPLETE THE ACT

EVERY TIME.

LOOK AT THAT.

FOR GUYS, SEX IS LIKE GOING TO A

RESTAURANT AND NO MATTER WHAT

YOU ORDER OFF THAT MENU,

YOU WALK OUT OF THERE GOIN'

"DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD.

WHOO!

WHAT IS THE HELL?

AH, SHE PUT SOMETHIN' SPECIAL ON

THAT.

MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.

GOOD LORD, THAT WAS TASTY.

I WANT TO EAT HERE THREE, FOUR

TIMES A DAY.

I LOVE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, BUT WOMEN, IT DON'T WORK

LIKE THAT FOR US.

FOR WOMEN, WE GO TO THE

RESTAURANT, YOU KNOW, YOU ORDER

SOMETHING.

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SEND IT

BACK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET FOOD

POISONING.

SEE?

BUT YOU HAVE THOSE HIT AND

MISSES.

YOU GONNA SKIP A FEW MEALS,

RIGHT?

OR "I'M NOT HUNGRY TODAY.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT

STARTING MY FAST.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD TIME."

OR YOU MIGHT GO "YOU KNOW,

I THINK I'M GONNA COOK FOR

MYSELF TODAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I COOK.

IT'S ALWAYS FILLING.

MY COOKING STICKS TO YOUR RIBS.

I JUST LOVE THE WAY I COOK.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M A FAST COOK.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

I CAN WHIP 'EM UP.

TIME IT TAKES YOU TO DO ONE MEAL

I CAN MAKE THREE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT GUYS, EVERY TIME, MAN.

THAT IS AMAZING.

'CAUSE WOMEN, WE GOT TO GET IN

THE MIDDLE OF IT BEFORE WE

FIGURE OUT IF THE TRAIN'S GONNA

PULL INTO THE STATION OR NOT,

RIGHT?

WE DO.

AND THEN GUYS WONDER WHY WE

FAKE IT.

IT'S CALL "TIME MANAGEMENT".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AIN'T NO NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT

WORKING ON SOMETHING WHEN I KNOW

THERE HAS BEEN A DERAILMENT DOWN

THE ROAD.

I DON'T NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHT

WORKING ON SOMETHING I KNOW

AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU JUST CUTTIN' INTO MY SLEEP

TIME NOW.

SHOOT.

I'M TRYING TO DO US BOTH A

FAVOR.

EVERY WOMAN HAS BEEN IN THAT

SITUATION.

HE'S WORKING HARD TRYIN' TO MAKE

IT HAPPEN.

YOU ALREADY KNOW IT AIN'T GONNA

HAPPEN.

AND YOU GLANCE OVER AT THE

CLOCK.

YOU LIKE "SHOOT.

IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNING.

AND I GOT TO GET UP AT SIX.

1:30, 2:30, 3:30 4:30...

"AH, THE HELL WITH THIS.

OH, YES!

WHOO!

OH, YES, BABY!

WHOO!

OH!

OH, HERCULES, HERCULES,

HERCULES.

THANK YOU ALL.

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