Soaked in Success/Armond of the House

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 01/23/2013

Dr. Armond gets a spin-off show, the Rich Dicks go to Mexico, and successful moments are celebrated in traditional football fashion.

- MY ULTIMATE CHICKEN SANDWICH?

- SUPER SPICY.- BAM! IN MY MOUTH!

- DRIPPINGWITH FLAVOR.

- I'M A GUY.- I DESERVE TO BE SATIATED.

- NONE OF THIS VEGANCHICK FOOD.

- I WANT TO EATWHERE I [bleep].

- YOU GOT A PROBLEMWITH THAT?

- I WANT MY FOODMADE BY SOMEONE

WHO'S NOT AFRAIDTO OFFEND PEOPLE.

- INCLUDING ME.- WELL, WHO ELSE IS GONNA MAKE

A CHICKEN SANDWICHTHIS DELICIOUS?

- PEOPLE THATAREN'T RACIST?

- I DON'T AGREEWITH THEIR POLITICS,

BUT THAT HOT SAUCEIS OFF THE CHARTS.

- I WANT A TOOTHLESS, BACKWATERDUDE COOKING MY SANDWICH.

- LOOK, I DON'T THINK YOUUNDERSTAND, THEY PUT PICKLES

ON THE CHICKEN,IS THAT RACIST?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT RACE I AM,

BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS CHICKENSANDWICH IS DELICIOUS.

- LOOK, MY BROTHER'S GAY,SO I DON'T EAT

CHIKK KLUBIN FRONT OF HIM,

JUST LIKE I ASK HIMNOT TO KISS

HIS BOYFRIEND IN FRONTOF MY CHICKEN SANDWICH.

- I'LL TEXT MY BUDDIES, BE LIKE,"WE GONNA GET CHIKK KLUB?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "ABSOLUTELY NOT,"AND I'M LIKE, "SOLO MISSION."

- I LOVE WHO I AM,WHERE I'M FROM...

I JUST LOVE CHIKK KLUBSANDWICHES JUST A LITTLE MORE.

- CHIKK KLUB.

- MARRIAGE BETWEEN A MAN

AND A CHICKEN SANDWICH.[chicken clucks]

- WE'RE GOOD.

FOR PETS,I'M IN TOTAL CONTROL.

- DR. ARMOND SHOULDHAVE HIS OWN SHOW.

- BUT AT HOME,ALL BETS ARE OFF.

THAT WAS THE THIRD TIMETHIS MONTH.

- THIS IS NOT WHATI SIGNED UP FOR.

- DAD, BRING MEA CHOCOLATE MILK. IDIOT.

GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

- THIS IS ARMOND OF THE HOUSE.

- ♪ STANDING ON A DOCK,LOOKING AT SOME WATER ♪

- OH.

LOOK WHAT THE CATDRAGGED IN.

[video game beeps]

GOOD MORNING, ROMAN.- SHH!

- TAKE OFF YOUR HEADPHONESWHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.

WHAT, DID YOU JUST SEE THE MOVIE ANGER MANAGEMENT?

- GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

- YOU READY FORYOUR BIG DAY TODAY, HMM?

[basketball bouncing]

[hoop swoosh][crowd cheers]

- I DON'T WANNAPLAY BASKETBALL.

- ROMAN,WE MADE AN AGREEMENT.

YOU WILL SPEND MORE TIME OUTSIDEAND THEN YOU--

- [spits]

- I THINK THAT BASKETBALL'SGONNA BE A GREAT WAY

FOR ME AND MY SON ROMANTO BOND.

- THE PRODUCER SAID I HAVETO PLAY BASKETBALL TODAY.

[bleep] YOU, DAD.

- YOU'RE TRYING TO GETA REACTION OUT OF ME,

BUT YOU WON'T.- BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK!

MAKE ME EGGS.

- YOU WANT EGGS?- YEAH.

- WITH TOAST?- NO, ON A WAFFLE SANDWICH.

- LIKE A MONTE CRISTO.

ROMAN, I CAN'T DENY YOU WANTINGTHE FINER THINGS IN LIFE.

YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR MOTHER,AFTER ALL.

- EWW.

- ROOM SERVICEAT THE HOTEL ARMOND.

- UGH, NOT ON THE MOUTH.

- HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?- I'M FEELING TERRIBLE.

- OH, MY DEAR SWEET.

YOU MUSTTAKE IT EASY THEN.

WHAT CAN I DO TOMAKE IT UP TO YOU?

- MY FRIEND DINA WANTSTO SHOW ME A NEW JEWELRY LINE.

- DINA? WAS SHETHAT ONE WHO SENT

THE MASS EMAIL ABOUTHER MISCARRIAGE?

HOW ABOUT THIS?- ♪ HALLELUJAH

- YOU GET YOURSELF A LITTLEPIECE OF JEWELRY FROM DINA,

AND THEN WHEN ROMANIS PLAYING...

[hoop swoosh][crowd cheers]

THEN YOU AND I COULD--

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- I'M MAKINGA SEXUAL INNUENDO TO YOU.

- IT'S NOT WORKING.- I KNOW.

- I HATE YOU!I HATE MY LIFE!

- WE'RE NOT GOING TO CHIKK KLUB,STOP IT!

[car horn beeps][tires screech]

- TURN AROUND!- ROMAN, STOP IT!

[cars honking,tires screeching]

[funeral music][police radio chatter]

- [sings in Spanish]

I MADE YOUR FAVORITE:FRENCH TOAST AND BACON--

- GRACIAS, CONSUELA.

DID YOU CUT THE CRUSTIES OFF?- SI,MIJO.

- BUT WHAT DID YOU DO?

WE WANTED MONTE CRISTOS.

- DON'T EVEN WORRY "ABART" IT.

WE'RE PRETTY, UH,OXY-CONTENT, RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH, WE ALREADY ATE A BIGVICO-DIN-DIN.

[both giggle]- NO GOOD!

- THAT'S THE LA--NO!

NO, YOU DON'T D--

- WENDY, WHAT AREWE SUPPOSED TO DO?

THAT WAS THE LASTOF OUR STASH.

- WE JUST HAVE TOHUNTER S. THOMPSON

DOWN TO TIJUANA RIGHT NOW.

- 'SUELA, WE'RE GOINGDOWN TO MEXICO.

DO YOU WANT US TO SEND ANYTHINGTO YOUR FAMILY?

- [snores]

- ♪ MONEY

♪ BIG MONEY, BIG DOUGH

♪ GET THE PAPER,GET THE CHEDDAR ♪

♪ GET THE SCRILLA,MONEY ♪

♪ MAN, I SACK EVERY DAY,BEND THE BLOCK RIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'MALL ABOUT THE-- ♪

[explosion]

- [groans]

QUE PASA, BABIES?

- QUE PASA? - PERDONAME.

- WE JUST NEED SOME DRUGS.

DO YOU GUYS HAVEANY GHB OR PURE MDMA?

MAS DINERO.

- HEY, CAN I HELP YOUWITH SOMETHING?

- OH, YEAH.- YEAH.

WE'RE JUST LOOKINGFOR SOME SCRIPS, VICS, OXY.

- WELL YOU'VE COMETO THE RIGHT PLACE, BROTHER.

I'VE GOT THE BEST STUFFRIGHT HERE.

- LET ME SEE THIS, CHICO.

DUDE, GIVE ME A "BRARK."

THIS IS GRASS CLIPPINGS.

GIVE US THE REAL DEAL,OR WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

- OH, YOU'RE SMART, HUH?

- I DID HALF A SEMESTERAT BARD, SO...

- YEAH.- DON'T [bleep] WITH ME.

- OH, YOU GUYSARE REAL GANGSTERS.

- YEAH, MAN, WE LET DMXPEE ON US ONE TIME.

- SMELLED LIKE VITAMINS.

- HE DRINKS A LOT OF WATER,THAT'S WHY.

- YEAH, MAN.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNADO FOR YOU GUYS?

I'M GONNA HOOK YOU UPTO THE BEST STUFF, OKAY?

BUT YOU GOTTA JUMPINTO MY VAN.

- DOLPHIN-ITELY.- FOR SHARKS.

- COME ON.

- COOL, SO IS THIS, LIKE,A COURTESY SHUTTLE?

- YEAH, CAN WE GET, LIKE,TINY WATERS OR SOMETHING?

[tires screech]

[typing noises,message alerts]

- WHAT'S YOUR STORY?TALK TO ME.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, IWANNA EXPAND MY SINGING CAREER

TO BE, LIKE, A MICHAEL-JACKSONLEVEL ENTERTAINER.

- OBVIOUSLY, LIKE,A COLLABORATION WITH ME,

LIKE, THAT KIND OF STUFFIS POSSIBLE, NO DOUBT, OKAY?

- YEAH, YOU SEEM LIKE YOUPROBABLY WOULD DO, LIKE,

GOOD BUSINESS IN TERMS OF SOMANY SHADY PEOPLE OUT THERE

AND CROOKED AND, LIKE,YOU KNOW, SHYSTERS.

BUT YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL,REAL, DOWN TO EARTH DUDE.

- "IMPLISH-ITLY."YOU COULD ABSOLUTELY,

IMPLISH-ITLY TRUST ME.

- I'M GONNA BRING 110%

TO THE TABLE ON A DAILY BASIS.

SO ONE THING I WOULD DO IS,LIKE, THIS.

- OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,I COULD SEE MYSELF SHOOTING

ON YOUR FACE OR SOMETHINGTHAT WOULD BE RESPECTFUL.

- [giggles]

LOT OF PEOPLE SAYI HAVE A REAL CUTE LAUGH.

IT'S LIKE...[annoying laugh]

- OH, THAT'S A GREAT LAUGH.- [continues laughing]

- [laughs]

I THINK OF MYSELF AS, LIKE,

A VERY COOL,VERY WHITE JAY-Z.

- YEAH. YEAH.

- I'M STRAIGHT-UPLOOKING FOR BEYONCE.

- WOW. THAT'S GREAT!

- LIKE FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT FAMILY.

- YEAH.- SO WHETHER IT'S, LIKE--

WHETHER IT'S, LIKE,REAL FAMILY,

[tearing up]LIKE MY FAMILY, LIKE MY MOTHER--

I MEAN, LIKE, ARE YOU VERYSERIOUS ABOUT SINGING? LIKE--

- I FEEL LIKEI COULD LEARN FROM YOU

IN TERMS OF,I HAVE SO MANY MENTORS,

BUT YOU WOULD BE,LIKE, THE REAL DEAL.

- YOU JUST SAY YOU HAVE MANYMENTORS AND THAT, LIKE--

- BUT THAT'S,LIKE, IN THE PAST.

- 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKEI BEEN HURT BEFORE

AS FAR AS, LIKE,COLLABORATING WITH WOMEN.

AND I'M TRYING TO SLEEP WITHTHEM, FIND OUT THAT THEY'RE

USING OTHER MENIN A SIMILAR FASHION

THAT I'M TRYINGTO USE THEM.

DO YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING?

- I'M TRYING TO, IT'S LIKE,CERTAIN WORDS I DON'T KNOW.

- THIS FEELS CRAZY, RIGHT?

- THIS IS CRAZY,IT'S LIKE,

I'VE BEEN HURT TOO,AND IT'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

IT'S REALLY GOOD TO FEEL,LIKE, EXTRA SAFE

WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW,EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE,

WE DON'T KNOW,DO WE GO FROM A BUSINESS ZONE

INTO MANY OTHER ZONESAS WELL?

- THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING,STRAIGHT-UP.

- LIKE, IN THE BED,JUST LIKE TALKING

AND TELLING SECRETS AND STUFF?- TELLING SECRETS.

CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?- YEAH.

- I WILL BEAT--- BOBBY?

- WHAT'S--- BOBBY.

UH...- IS THAT YOUR SECRETARY?

- YEAH, THAT'S, LIKE, BASICALLY,LIKE, MY SECRETARY.

- OKAY. OKAY.- EXCUSE ME.

- THAT'S COOL, YOU--

HI, I'M FARLEY. HELLO.NICE TO MEET YOU.

- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU TOO,

BUT I'M NOT HIS SECRETARY,I'M HIS MOTHER.

- EXCUSE ME.NO DISRESPECT. ONE SECOND.

- BOBBY?EXCUSE US.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU...- YEAH?

- THAT I LOVE YOU.- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MOM.

- I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- FARLEY?- GOOD. SHE'S GONE.

- FARLEY, WHERE'D YOU GO?[door slams]

- NOW!- OKAY, MA.

- DINNER.- I'M COMING DOWN, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU, MA.- I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- I LOVE YOU TOO, MA.- IT'S ALMOST COLD.

[crying]- I'LL COME DOWN!

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