CC Presents: Elvira Kurt

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 05/28/1999

YEAH, THIS IS SO EXCITING.

SO HARD TO HAVE FUN,DON'T YOU THINK?

WHEN YOU GET OLDER

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE IS SUPPOSEDTO BE SO SERIOUS.

LIFE IS SO SERIOUS.

YOU KNOW,YOU NEVER SEE PEOPLE SKIPPING

WHEN THEY GROW UP, YOU KNOW?

YOU NEVER SEE ANYONECOMING HOME FROM WORK

WITH THEIR BRIEFCASE SWINGING.

I HAD A GOOD DAY.♪ LA-LA-LA

I MADE A LEVERAGED BUYOUT.♪ LA-LA-LA

IT'S LIKE FROM THE MOMENTYOU'RE BORN

SOMEONE'S ALWAYS TRYINGTO KILL YOUR JOY, RIGHT?

ALL GROWING UPALL MY MOTHER SAID WAS:

"YOU THINK EVERYTHINGIS SO FUNNY."

( audience laughs )

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO ENJOY EVERYTHING.

DO YOU REMEMBERWHEN YOU WERE A KID

HOW MUCH FUN YOU HADJUST CHASING A BALL FOR HOURS?

YOU COULD JUST CHASE THE BALL.

NOW, AT OUR AGE

A BALL GETS AWAY FROM US,IT'S LIKE "OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE."

THE HORRIBLE, HELLISH FATEOF HAVING TO RETRIEVE THE BALL.

"HEY, CAN YOU THROW ITRIGHT AT ME?

"I HATE TO MOVE AROUND

WHEN I'M GETTINGPHYSICAL ACTIVITY."

GOD, HOW I ENVY

SEEING KIDS JUST WALKINGDOWN THE STREET

WAILING AWAY--

( childish wailing ):I DON'T WA...I DON'T WA...

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO DO THATNOW, HUH?

MONDAY MORNING, YOU'RE WALKINGOUT THE DOOR TO WORK

( childish wailing ):I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK.

I DON'T WANT TO.

( wailing )

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE LIKE,"YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH."

BUT IT'S TRUE:WE HAD SO MUCH POWER BACK THEN.

IT WAS THE ONLY TIMEIN OUR LIVES

THAT NOBODYCOULD PUSH US AROUND.

NOBODY COULD TELL YOUWHAT TO DO WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

"IT'S TIME FOR YOUTO GO TO BED."

( childlike ):NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

WHY DID WE EVER LOSETHIS BEHAVIOR?

DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE

SO MUCH MORE PRACTICALAS AN ADULT?

"OH, I'M SORRY,THE BANK CANNOT CASH YOUR CHECK

"WITHOUT PROPER I.D.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVETO COME BACK TOMORROW."

NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT

EVERY TIME A COPPULLS YOU OVER FOR SPEEDING

YOU'RE LIKE

LOO-LOO LA-LA OOH-OOH.

CAN'T HEAR YOU.

CAN'T GET A TICKETIF I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( tongue-rolling noises )

THIS IS YOU.

TELL YOU WHAT WE SHOULD DO.

WE'RE DOING IT BACKWARDSIF YOU ASK ME.

WE SHOULD BE DISCOURAGINGCHILDISH BEHAVIOR IN CHILDREN.

THEY'LL CRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

( childish voice ):I DROPPED MY COOKIE.

( adult voice ):HERE'S ANOTHER COOKIE.

( childish voice ):I DON'T WANT THAT COOKIE.

THAT'S SO ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?

WE SHOULD ELIMINATETHIS BEHAVIOR

AND INSTEAD,ENCOURAGE IT IN ADULTS.

WE'RE THE ONES WHO HAVESOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.

( crying ):MY COMPUTER'S BROKEN.

MY COMPUTER'S BROKEN!

( adult voice ):HERE'S ANOTHER...

( crying ):I DON'T WANT THAT COMPUTER!

I WANT MY COMPUTER!

IT'S YOUR COMPUTER, ISN'T IT?

OH, MY GOD.

I DO FIND THAT WE AREJUST BEING BOMBARDED

BY TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY.

I'M AFRAID OF MY COMPUTER.

I KNOW WHEN I TURN IT OFF

IT'S LEARNING NEW THINGSWITHOUT ME.

AND SO MUCH OF WHAT YOU SEEON THE INTERNET

DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

CAN ANYONE IN THIS ROOMEXPLAIN TO ME

WHY TAMPAX NEEDS A WEBSITE?

IT'S THE LAST PLACEANY WOMAN WANTS TO BE

WHEN SHE'S BLEEDING, HUH?

OH, GEEZ, THE CRAMPSARE REALLY KICKING IN.

I BETTER HEAD OVERTO THE MAXIPAD CHATROOM.

( audience laughs )

IF FOR NO OTHER REASONTHAN TO TYPE IN: "KILL ME

COLON, FROWNY BRACKET."

WELL, YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT.

EVERYTHING'S BEING UPDATED.

EVERYTHING'S BEINGNEW AND IMPROVED.

HAVE YOU NOTICED

THAT THE TOOTHBRUSH IS EVOLVING?

THE TOOTHBRUSH--

THE MOST PERFECT TOOLEVER INVENTED.

ITS GENIUS IS ITS SIMPLICITY.

STICK... BRISTLES.

LEAVE IT ALONE!

( applause )

BUT IT'S TOO LATE.

IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT

BECAUSE IT STARTED YEARS AGO

BEFORE WE WEREEVEN PAYING ATTENTION.

THAT'S WHEN THEY ADDEDTHE BLUE BRISTLES.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

BEFORE THEY PUT INTHE BLUE BRISTLES

WASN'T IT SO COMPLICATED

TO HAVE TO EYEBALLTHE WEAR AND TEAR

ON YOUR BLOODY TOOTHBRUSH?

OH, DO YOU REMEMBERTHE DARK AGES

WHEN YOU WOULD STANDFOR HOURS OVER THE SINK

WITH YOUR FRAYED BRISTLES GOING:

"OH, IS IT TIMETO THROW IT AWAY?

"IS IT GOOD FOR ANOTHER WEEK?

"OH, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONEIN THIS WORLD?"

( applause )

I KNOW THAT OUR GENERATIONCAN KEEP UP WITH THESE CHANGES.

IT'S THE KIDS TODAYTHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

THEIR LIVES ARE GOINGTO BE MADE SO SOFT AND SIMPLE

WITH ALL THESE INNOVATIONS.

NOW I DON'T RECALL ANYOVERT SAFETY FEATURES

ON ANYTHING WHEN I WAS A KID,DO YOU?

NOBODY PUT A BICYCLESAFETY HELMET ON MY HEAD.

HOLY COW, MY DAD COULDHARDLY WAIT

TO TAKE THE TRAINING WHEELS OFF

BEFORE HE SHOVED MEDOWN THE HILL.

SEE YA!

( laughter and applause )

AND ELECTRICAL OUTLETS?

THESE DIDN'T HAVEANY SAFETY COVERS ON THEM.

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH

A TRIAL-BY-ERROR THING.

IT WAS LIKE, HEY, DON'T STICKYOUR FINGER IN THAT...

OH, JESUS.

LOOK AT YOUR STEAMING,CURLY HEAD.

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

SMACK!

THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT US.

LOOK WHAT THEY GAVE USTO PLAY WITH.

NONE OF IT'S AROUND ANYMORE.

TODAY, NOBODY WOULD EVEN DREAMOF INVENTING A LAWN DART, HUH?

BUT THIS WAS PERFECTLYACCEPTABLE WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

HEY, WHAT SHOULD WE DOWITH THIS PIECE OF PLASTIC

WITH A SIX-INCH, RAZOR-SHARPPOINTY SHAFT

STICKING OUT THE END OF IT?

LET'S HAVE THE KIDSHEAVE THEM AT EACH OTHER.

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?

WHAT IF THEY LOSE AN EYE?

HELL, THEY'VE GOT TWO.

LET THEM PLAY.

YOU REMEMBER THE LAWN DART,DON'T YOU?

IT WAS PRETTY MUCH A JAVELIN

WITH A PLASTIC CONESTUCK AT THE END OF IT.

YOU STOOD WITH A PLASTIC HOOPAT YOUR FEET.

WHO CAME UPWITH THAT INSTRUCTION?

"LAY HOOP AT FEET."

OKAY.

YOUR BEST FRIEND STOOD20 FEET AWAY FROM YOU

WITH A SPEAR.

AND YOU'RE TAUNTING THEM.

THROW IT HARDER!

THROW IT HARDER!

YOU SUCK!

( gasps )

TOO HARD.

OH, I BETTER PUSH ON IT.

I THINK MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYSCOMPLETELY SURPRISED

TO SEE ME COME HOME FOR SUPPEREVERY NIGHT.

WHAT YOU DOING HERE?

I FINISHED PLAYING.

WITH THE LAWN DARTS?

THEY'RE IMMIGRANTS, YOU KNOW.

SO MY MOTHER WASN'T ONEOF THOSE KOOL-AID MOMS, YOU KNOW

WHO'D WELCOME EVERYONE OVERFROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD

TO OUR PLACE.

NO, SHE WAS MORE LIKE...

I DON'T WANT NO KIDSIN MY HOUSE.

NOBODY.

YOU FIND SOMEONE WANTTO FEED YOU, YOU GO THERE.

SPENT A LOT OF TIMEIN THE PLAYGROUND AS A RESULT.

WHICH, TO ME,IS THE ULTIMATE PROOF

THAT WE ARE SPOILINGTHIS NEXT CROP OF KIDS.

HAVE YOU SEENTHE PLAYGROUNDS TODAY?

EVERYTHING'S BUILT LOWTO THE GROUND.

WITH LITTLE WOOD CHIPS ORFOAM MATS TO BREAK THEIR FALL.

ALL THE SHARP EDGESHAVE TIRE PIECES ON THEM

TO MAKE THEM ALL CUSHYAND BOUNCY.

IF THEY BUMPTHEIR LITTLE HEAD...

EVERYTHING'S MADE OUTOF MOLDED PLASTIC

THAT FITS TOGETHERIN INTERLOCKING PIECES.

NOTHING POINTY, NOTHING SHARP.

EVERYTHING LOW,SOFT, CUSHY, BOUNCY.

NOT LIKE THE INSTRUMENTSOF TORTURE WE GREW UP WITH.

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR PLAYGROUNDS?

STEEL BEAMS EMBEDDEDINTO CEMENT!

( applause )

WE HAD EIGHT-FOOT-HIGHMONKEY BARS ON CONCRETE.

HEY, BUILD IT LIKE A ROCKET.

THEY'LL CLIMB TO THE TOP.

WHAT IF THEY FALL?

AW, THEIR HEADS ARE SOFT.

THEY'LL BOUNCE.

LET THE LITTLEONE-EYED BASTARDS PLAY.

WE HAD THINGSIN OUR PLAYGROUND...

DO YOU REMEMBER?

WE HAD THINGS YOU COULD ACTUALLYCONVINCE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS

TO HURT THEMSELVES ON.

THE SWINGS WERE PERFECTFOR THIS.

GO HIGHER!

GO HIGHER!

JUMP!

( laughter and applause )

OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE RUNNING OVERTO THE LIFELESS BODY

OF YOUR BEST FRIEND

POKING IT WITH A STICK.

GET UP.

YOU SUCK.

HOW ABOUT THE TEETER-TOTTER,HUH?

WITH THE RIGHTWEIGHT DIFFERENTIAL.

THIS WAS A PERFECT CATAPULTINTO TRAFFIC, WASN'T IT?

THE TEETER-TOTTERWAS PRETTY MUCH

THE CHUNKY KID'S REVENGE,DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU WANT TO GET OFF?

SOME POOR

SKINNY-ASSED KIDTRAPPED AT THE TOP.

PLEASE!

PLEASE!

AND I AM SORRY

BUT I DON'T EVEN WANTTO THINK ABOUT THE SADISTIC MIND

THAT INVENTED THE SLIDE.

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR SLIDE, HMM?

VERTICAL.

NOT EVEN A HINT OF AN ANGLE.

JUST A VERTICAL CLIMB

THREE, FOUR STORIESINTO THE AIR

ON THOSE RUNGS THAT WERE THATNICELY POLISHED ROUNDED METAL

AND GOSH, YOU REMEMBER

HOW GOOD THE TREAD ON OURSNEAKERS WERE BACK THEN, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY YOU MAKE ITTO THE TOP OF THE SLIDE.

HYPOTHETICALLY.

WHAT WAITS FOR YOU AT THE TOP?

OH, NOTHING.

JUST A HUGE HUNK OF METAL

BURNING UP NICELYIN THE NOONDAY SUN, HUH?

( applause )

THERE'S A FUN RIDEDOWN IN YOUR SHORTS.

HEE..

OW!

HEE...

OW.

HEE...

OW.

HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHYOUR PARENTS ARE SCREWED UP?

THEY HAD WOODEN SLIDES.

THAT YOU COULD MISSABOUT CHILDHOOD...

THE THING I MISS MOSTIS HOW UNSELF-CONSCIOUS WE WERE

ABOUT OUR APPEARANCE.

DO YOU EVER REMEMBER HAVING ABAD HAIR DAY WHEN YOU WERE FIVE?

HELL, NO. YOU'RE FIVE YEARS OLD

YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

YOUR HAIR'S STANDING STRAIGHTON END...

"I LOOK GOOD.

"I'VE BEEN SLEEPINGIN MY BATHING SUIT

AND I FEEL FINE."

YOU DO THATWHEN YOU WERE A KID?

SLEEP IN YOUR BATHING SUIT?

OH, MAN, I WOULDN'T EVEN TAKEIT OFF TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I JUST MOVED IT ON OVER.

( laughter and applause )

AND YOU KNOW OUR PARENTS KNEW WEDIDN'T CARE WHAT WE LOOKED LIKE.

THEY WERE THE ONESWHO PICKED OUR CLOTHES.

YOU WANT TO SEEWHAT A GOOD LAUGH

THEY WERE HAVINGBEHIND YOUR BACK

GO THROUGHYOUR OLD PHOTO ALBUMS.

PICK OUT A FEW CHOICE OUTFITS.

SHOW THESE PICTURESTO YOUR FOLKS

AND SAY, "DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME?

( audience laughing )

"WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THISLITTLE NUMBER RIGHT HERE?

"WHY EXACTLY AM IIN A SAILOR SUIT?

"WAS I IN THE NAVY THEN?

( laughter )

HAVE I SEEN SOME ACTION?"

( laughter )

I HAVE A WHOLE SERIESOF PHOTOGRAPHS

OF ME WEARING SOMETHINGMY MOTHER MADE FOR ME.

NO...

CROCHETED.

YES, PICTURE THIS: A TWO-PIECE,HOT PINK, POLYESTER KNIT...

PANTSUIT.

COURSE, I PUT IT ON.

I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD.

I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, MOMMY.GOES WITH MY BATHING SUIT."

RAN OUTSIDE TO PLAY.

SHE MUST HAVE SHUT THE DOORAND KILLED HERSELF LAUGHING.

( audience laughing )

"I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE PUT IT ON."

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GOT HER BACK.

WHEN I TOLD HER I WAS A LESBIAN20 YEARS LATER

I BLAMED IT ON THE PANTSUIT.

( laughter and applause )

YES, MY SECRET'S OUT.

I LOVE PANTSUITS, DAMN YOU.

( laughter )

YOUR POLYESTER PHOBIC WAYS.

OH, THIS IS NICE.

FIVE MINUTES AGO,WE WERE LAUGHING

HAVING A GOOD TIME

THEN I MENTION I'M A LESBIAN

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"HA, HA, HA, HUH?"

( laughter )

VERY WELL,I WILL GIVE YOU A MOMENT

TO LET THE REALITY SINK IN.

WELL, YOU'RE LIKE...

"IF YOU'RE A LESBIAN...

"AND WE WERE LAUGHING AT YOU...

"OW.

DOES THAT MAKE US GAY?"

( laughter )

SO, LET ME REASSURE YOU-- YES.

( laughter )

YES, IT DOES.

LET THE PLAY BEGIN!

( cheering )

THE THING IS,I NEVER WORRY

ABOUT HOW AN AUDIENCEIS GOING TO REACT

BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOOK AT ITFROM MY PARENTS' POINT OF VIEW.

MY PARENTS ARE TWO TINY LITTLEEASTERN-EUROPEAN IMMIGRANTS.

THEY CAME OVER FROM A WAR-TORNCOUNTRY IN EASTERN EUROPE.

THEY SETTLED IN CANADA.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT THEY DID,AND THERE THEY DECIDED

TO HAVE ONLY ONE CHILD...

( laughter )

TO GIVE HER EVERY ADVANTAGETHEY NEVER HAD

AND THIS IS WHAT THEY GET.

( laughter and applause )

ONLY CHILD; STANDUP COMIC;LESBIAN.

OH, THE SCRAPBOOKS OVERFLOWAT THEIR PLACE.

( with East-European accent ):"THIS VAS THE UNIVERSITYSHE VAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO.

( laughter )

"THIS VAS THE MANSHE VAS SUPPOSED TO MARRY.

( laughter )

"THIS VASHER FIRST GIRLFRIEND...

"BRENDA.

THEY SAID THEY WERE ROOMMATES."

( laughter and applause )

( chuckles )

YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND.

IT WAS HARD ENOUGHFOR MY PARENTS

TO DEAL WITH MEWANTING TO BE COMEDIENNE

LET ALONE THE GAY THINGTHAT CAME LATER.

WHEN I FIRST STARTEDDOING COMEDY

I WASN'T DOING GAY MATERIAL

AND MY PARENTS WOULD JUSTCOME TO THE SHOWS

AND THEY'D JUSTSTARE AT PEOPLE LAUGHING

AND THEN THEY'D GO HOME

SIT ACROSS THE KITCHEN TABLEFROM EACH OTHER

STIRRING THEIR COFFEE,GOING, "I DON'T KNOW.

( laughter )

"WHO VAS FUNNY IN YOUR FAMILY?

( laughter )

NOBODY FUNNY IN MINE.I DON'T..."

NOW THEY'LL COME AND SEE A SHOW

GO HOME AND STIR THEIR COFFEE,AND GO, "I DON'T KNOW.

"WHO VAS GAY IN YOUR FAMILY?

IT'S NOT MY SIDE--I KNOW THAT FOR ( bleep ) SURE."

( laughter )

IF SHE JUST SOUGHT OUTA SUPPORT GROUP.

IF SHE JOINED P-FLAG,THAT WONDERFUL SUPPORT GROUP--

PARENTS AND FRIENDSOF LESBIANS AND GAYS--

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IF SHE DID,SHE WOULDN'T BE ISOLATED

YOU KNOW, IF SHE WEREAMONG HER OWN KIND.

( laughter )

AND THEN I THINK ABOUT ITREALISTICALLY.

CAN YOU SEE MY MOMAT A P-FLAG MEETING?

"HI. MY NAME IS IRENE.I VISH I VAS DEAD."

( laughter )

SHE'D BE NO HELPON THE CRISIS LINE.

"GIVE UP.IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET VORSE."

( laughter )

AND ME, SOMETIMES I JUSTADMIRE HER STAMINA, YOU KNOW?

LAST YEAR I WAS SO EXCITED.

I WAS TALKING ABOUTGAY PRIDE DAY IN SAN FRANCISCO--

BIGGEST ONE EVER--700,000 PEOPLE.

I'M LIKE, "MOMMY,CAN YOU IMAGINE 700,000 PEOPLE

AND WE ALL HAVEONE THING IN COMMON?"

SHE SAYS, "YEAH.A MOTHER WHO IS MISERABLE."

( laughter and applause )

ALTHOUGH, MY FAVORITE IS ALWAYSTHE CLASS GUILT TRIP.

YOU PROBABLYHAVE HEARD IT YOURSELVES.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN--YOU KNOW THE ONE.

"SO THAT'S THE VAYIT'S GOING TO BE, HUH?

"OKAY. GO AHEAD.

"DO VAT YOU VANT.

( laughter )

"WHO AM I?

"NOBODY.

"JUST MOTHER.

"GO AHEAD, THROW...YOUR LIFE... AVAY.

"IS THIS THE VAYIT'S GOING TO BE FOR YOU, HUH?

VUN VOMAN AFTER ANOTHERFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?"

GOD, I HOPE SO.

( laughter )

"YOU TINK EVERYTHINGIS SO FUNNY."

AND I DO.

I REALLY DO.

RIGHT NOW I'M HAVINGTHE BEST TIME OF MY WHOLE LIFE

AND SHE'S PROBABLYRUNNING INTO SOMEONE SOMEWHERE

AT A SUPERMARKET,AND HAS TO TALK ABOUT ME.

CAN YOU IMAGINEWHAT THAT'S LIKE?

"OH, HI.NICE TO BE SEEING YOU, TOO.

"OH, BOTH YOUR CHILDRENGRADUATED. GOOD.

"GOOD. MMM, A DOCTORAND A LAWYER. HOW NICE."

( chuckling ):"MY DAUGHTER?

"NO.

( laughter )

"NO.

"NO.

( laughter )

"OH, VAT'S SHE DOING?

( chuckles )

"MY DAUGHTER... IS A COMEDIENNE.

"AND A LESBIAN.

( laughter )

"BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

( laughter and applause )

"OH, YEAH...

LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE."

THANKS A LOT.YOU HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

Loading...