Tuesday, October 4, 2016

  • 10/04/2016

Louie Anderson, Martha Kelly and Brendon Walsh come up with alternative vice presidential debate questions, create #LessSexySongs and list senior citizen crimes.

If you're feeling a palpablesexual excitement in the air,

it's probably because the vicepresidential debate was tonight.

-Oh! There they...-(applause and cheering)

Tim Kaine and Mike Pence,otherwise known as

white guy 37Band white guy 55C squared off...

Hang on. That's Mr. Belding andthe dad from That '70s Show.

-It's...-(laughter)

Jack, will you pleaseput up the right photos?

No, Jack. That is Ned Flandersand a bowl of rice.

Please find photosof the VP candidates.

-All right, that's better. Uh...-(laughter)

-Now...-(applause and cheering)

Since we were busytaping at the time,

we didn't get to see the debateas it happened,

so we're just assumingthat at some point,

harmonica enthusiast Tim Kainedid a bitching duet

with John Popperfrom Blues Traveler,

and that Mike Pence revealedhe's been a dummy

controlled by Jeff Dunhamthis entire time.

(laughter)

Either way, Americans knows nextto nothing about these two.

So comedians, what's a questionthey should have been asked

to get the coreof these store-brand white guys?

Louie Anderson.

Have you ever owned stockin Cracker Barrel?

-HARDWICK: Points. Points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Are you Cracker Barrel?

Brendon Walsh.

What's your favoriteJimmy Buffett song?

-And you can't say all of them.-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

-(laughter, applause)-Martha Kelly. -KELLY: Oh.

Should 21st centuryAmerican women be allowed

to get abortionsor just fake boobs?

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Points. Points.

Now it's time to playtonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

If you ask me--and you probably never would--

today's popular musicis too sexy.

All these Nicki Minajeses

and Jason Derulossinging about butts

and the male dong,it's positively scandalous.

Back in my day, hit songswere all about MMMBops

and wondering who letthose gosh-darn dogs out.

That's the way we liked it!

And then we had Macarena dances,

and Paula Abdul was...not on a lot of pills yet,

and it was... great.

And I can say let's...let's clean up

some famously risqué songswith tonight's hashtag

#LessSexySongs.

Examples might be--

"Your Body Is a Yogurtland,"

uh, and "When I Think About YouI Punch My Elf."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. Begin.

-Brendon Walsh.-Uh, "Wipe a Virgin."

-Points.-(laughter)

That oddly sounds dirtier.

-Uh, Louie Anderson.-♪ A long and winding colon.

Yes, points. Martha Kelly.

-"Yeast of Burden."-Yes, points!

-Brendon Walsh.-"My Neck, My Back,

My Diaper and My Rash."

-Points.-(laughter)

Louie Anderson.

"Oops, Grandma Did It Again."

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Brendon.-"Stairway to Kevin James."

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

Martha.

Uh, "When a Man LovesJohn Goodman."

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

Brendon Walsh.

Uh, "I Would Do Anythingfor Love

but I Won't SuckYour Dad's (bleep)."

-All right, points.-(laughter, groans)

Martha.

Um, "Feel Like Making Pancakes."

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

Louie Anderson.

♪ I just called to sayI'm pressing charges. ♪

(laughter)

(applause)

Points. Brendon.

Uh...

"Pour Some Splenda on Me."

-Yes! Very good!-Thank you.

It's another beautiful dayof the American dream,

as 102-year-old womanchecked being arrested

off her bucket list asblack people across the country

rolled their eyes and said,"(bleep) seriously?" Uh...

To fulfill Edie Simms' wish,police handcuffed her

they put her in the backof their cruiser,

then they took herto a senior center,

the one place on Earththat smells worse than a prison.

Uh, Edie was thrilled to crossthis dream off the list

and move on to her next one:

a three-way with these guys.

ANDERSON:Yay.

But cl...

(impersonating Statler andWaldorf): "What's she wearing?"

"I don't know,but it needs to be ironed."

Uh...

Clearly, Edie is pioneeringa new type of criminal,

so comedians, give me as manyelderly crimes as you can

in 60 seconds, and begin.Brendon Walsh.

Uh, breaking a hip and entering.

Points. Louie.

-Epsom salts and battery.-Points.

-Martha Kelly.-Uh, grand theft scooter.

Points. Martha.

Um, Werther's original sin.

Yes, points. Brendon.

Prostate-tution.

Points. Martha.

Um, conspiracyto tell a long anecdote.

Points. Louie Anderson.

First degree murder she wrote.

Yes, points. Louie.

Hit and hobble away.

Yes, points. Brendon.

Great, great grand larceny.

Yes, points.