Tuesday, June 2, 2015

  • 06/02/2015

Matt Braunger, Baron Vaughn and Greg Proops write headlines about Sepp Blatter's resignation, list #EroticBroadway productions and guess which "Uptown Funk" covers are real.

THIS HAPPENED ON FACEBOOK TODAY.

FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS, FIFAPRESIDENT SEPP BLATTER HAS RULED

THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONALSOCCER WITH A TYRANNICAL LIVER

SPOTTED FIST.

THERE HE IS.

SHORTLY AFTER HIS HANDS WEREGLUED TOGETHER.

JUST OOZING RICH SWISS SMUGNESS.

HA, HA.

ALL YOUR BALLS ARE BELONG TO ME! EVEN AFTER 14 OF HIS FIFA

HENCHMEN WERE INDICTED LASTWEEK, DARTH BLATTER SAID HE HAS

ZERO INTENTION OF GOINGANYWHERE.

LIKE A SOCCER BALL TO A DOUBLELEG AMPUTEE, SEPP BLATTER WAS

UNTOUCHABLE.

BUT THAT IS WHERE WE COME IN.

BACK TO YOU.

ON MONDAY, WE RELEASED THIS@MIDNIGHT FACEBOOK PAGE SAYING

-- I MEAN HERE WE GO, SEPPBLATTER, JOKER, MORE VILLAINS,

HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS? SEPPEROR BLATPATINE, WICKED

WITCH OF THE -- WOW, WHAT ABRUTAL TAKE DOWN! IT QUICKLY

RACKED OVER 200 LIKES, YOU GUYS.

NO.

IT IS NOT A LOT.

BUT THEN 14 HOURS LATER, WHATHAPPENS? SEPP BLATTER IS

STEPPING DOWN! YES, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, THE WAR IS OVER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: CLEARLY SEPP BLATTERSAW OUR VIDEO AND SAID I HAVE

BEEN PWNED.

SEPPEROR BLATPATINE? I HAVE NOCHOICE BUT TO RESIGN.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT IS HOW HESOUNDS BUT THAT IS WHAT THAT

PICTURE LOOKS LIKE IT WOULDPRODUCE.

SEPP BLATTER PUTTING HUGE NEWSIN THE FOOTBALL LOVING WORLD.

SO COMEDIANS WHAT WOULD BE THEBIG ALL CAPS HEADLINE YOU SEE

SPINNING ON TODAY'S FRONT PAGE.

MATT BRAUNGER, GO.

>> BATTER, BATTER, SWING, IQUIT.

>> Chris: BARON VAUGHN.

>> OH, THE GALL OF BLADDER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: GREG PROOPS.

>> HOW TO GET ROCK-HARD SEPPSAND MIND-BLOWING BLACK-GASM.

>> Chris: PERFECT WAY TO START@MIDNIGHT!

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

THIS IS A FUN STORY.

VERY APPLICABLE TO COMEDIANS INPARTICULAR, WE SPENT A LOT OF

TIME IN AIRPORTS GOING THROUGHAIRPORT SECURITY AND IT IS A

PAIN IN THE BUTT HOLE, BECAUSEWITH ALL THE FREEZER BAGS AND

THE TINY TOILETRIES AND LAPTOPSIN SEPARATE GARBAGE TRAYS

AND LOOSE SHOES ALL OVER THEPLACE AND PEOPLE YELLING AT YOU

AND BECAUSE THE RULES ARESLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WEARE SAFE, IT IS TOTALLY WORKING.

WE ARE SAFE, RIGHT?

>> TSA SCREENERS WERE BEATEN IN95 PERCENT OF THOSE TESTS

DESIGNED TO SEE IF MOCKEXPLOSIVES OR WEAPONS COULD BE

SMUGGLED THROUGH AIRPORTSECURITY CHECKPOINTS.

>> Chris: OH, NO, A GUN SHAPEDGUN GOT THROUGH.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WE WERE THEWALKING AROUND BAREFOOT AND

MAKING THE ILLUMINATI HANDGESTURE IN THE BODY SCANNER THE

WHOLE TIME FOR LITERALLYNOTHING? COMEDIANS IN RESPONSE

TO THIS REPORT WHAT USELESS NEWSECURITY MEASURES WILL THE TSA

INEVITABLY IMPLEMENT? MATTBRAUNGER.

>> AFTER GIVING A PATDOWN YOUMAY HAVE TO TURN AND GIVE ONE

BACK.

NOW YOU DO ME NOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT ALL.

COME ON.

DO SOME OF IT, COME ON.

>> Chris: BARON.

>> NO BOMB ON THE PLANE, THISINCLUDES DVDS OF AFTER EARTH,

SOULD PLANE AND MORDECAI.

>> Chris: GREG PROOPS.

>> THE POT OF YOUR BOOTY MUST BEDANK.

SOMEONE IS CARRYING RIGHTNOW.

>> Chris: MOVING ON TO CENTRALNATION ASIAN OF KAZAKHSTAN, MOST

FAMOUSLY KNOWN AS THE HOME OFBORAT, YOU KNOW BORAT, RIGHT?

OH, COOL.

WELL, THEY ARE ABOUT TO BE KNOWNFOR SOMETHING MORE IMPRESSIVE,

FLOWER BEDS ALL AROUND THE KAZAKCAPITAL ARE MYSTERIOUSLY BEING

FILLED WITH MARIJUANA.

WHAT ARE YOU, 19?

OH, YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT.

SORRY.

THIS WILL HAVE TOURISTS FLOCKINGTO THIS PROUD LAND.

WHAT SHOULD KAZAKHSTAN'S NEWTOURISM SLOGAN BE? BARON.

>> ONCE YOU SMELL IT YOU CAN'TSELL IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> KAZAKHSTAN YOU FORGET WHY YOUCAME BUT YOU REMEMBERED --

(BLEEP).

IT IS NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

THE 69TH ANNUAL TONY AWARDS, HA,HA, 69, YES.

>> THE FUNNIEST NUMBER IN THEWORLD.

>> FACES IN CROTCHES.

>> Chris: THIS WEEKEND AND ANYTIME THAT NUMBER COMES UP WE AS

COMEDIANS WILL HAVE OUR FINGERON THE PULSE OF AMERICA, ARE

DUTY BOUND TO MAKE THINLY VEILEDSEX PUNS.

SO IN HONOR OF THISNASTIEST OF MUTUAL SEX MOVES,

TODAY'S HASHTAG WARS IS#EROTICBROADWAY.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MOUTH PACIFIC.

WET DREAM GIRLS.

OR HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESSAND MAKE HER SQUIRT WITHOUT

EVEN TRYING.

>> IT JUST HAPPENED IN THEAUDIENCE.

>> Chris: THE FIRST TWO ROWS MAYGET WET.

ALL RIGHT.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK NOW ANDBEGIN! MATT.

>> FIDDLER IN MY BUTT.

>> Chris: OKAY. GREG PROOPS.

>> MOM ON MIA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARON.

>> ON THE RAGTIME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I AM NOT REALLY SURETHAT IS EROTIC BUT --

MATT.

>> KISS ME KATE, ON MY WIENER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARON.

>> BREAST SIDE STORY.

>> Chris: POINTS! BARON.

>> RENT, PAID WITH SEX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> BOOK OF MORMON, SEXUALPOSITIONS.

ONE PAGE, JUST ONE PAGE.

THAT'S IT.

>> Chris: MATT.

>> FOR THE CLASSIC, MY FAIR LADYDOES DALLAS.

>> Chris: OKAY.

PERFECT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY, OH, GETREADY, UPTOWN FUNK ENDURANCE

CHALLENGE.

IF IS ONE THING YOUTUBEIS KNOWN FOR, IT'S BEATING A

DEAD HORSE INTO A FINE PASTE ANDNOWHERE IS THIS MORE CLEAR THAN

THE BLACK HOLE OF UPTOWN FUNKPARODY VIDEOS.

THESE ARE MORE THAN ANY HUMANSHOULD HAVE TO ENDURE.

IT IS TRULY A TERRIBLE TORNADOOF FUNK PARODY SUCKING UP DEBRIS

AND LIVESTOCK WHILE BRUNO MARSHIDES IN A STORM SHELTER GOING

WHAT HAVE I DONE.

I WILL DESCRIBE TWO FUNKPARODIES AND FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO GUESS WHICH ONEIS REAL.

FIRST ONE, A PARODY ABOUTSUBURBAN PARENTING SUNG BY

HELICOPTER MOMS OR A PARODYABOUT HOME OWNERSHIP SUNG BY

HEDGE FUND MANAGERS.

BARON.

>> A PARODY ABOUT HOME OWNERSHIPSUNG BY HEDGE FUND MANAGERS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, THIS BURB WHERE WE LIVEIS SAFE AND A LITTLE BORING.

GOT GOOD SCHOOLS FOR THEM YOUNGKIDS THEM GOOD KIDS STRAIGHT

MASTERPIECES.

GARDENING, GRILLING LIVINGIT UP OUTSIDE THE CITY.

>> DID IT BOTHER ANYONE ELSETHAT SHE SAID "DEM KIDS"?

IT IS A LITTLE?

>> DID SHE REALLY JUST SAIDSTRAIGHT MASTERPIECES?

>> Chris: THERE ARE MANY THINGSABOUT THIS THAT HURT OUR SOULS.

NEXT ONE, FLAG DAY FUNK ORPASSOVER FUNK.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> I WILL GO PASSOVER FUNK.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> PESACH, FOUR CUPS COLD, HOLYMOSES, EGYPTIAN GOLD, THIS ONE,

FOR FAMILY, THE HAGGADAH,STRAIGHT MASTERPIECE.

MATZAH, MARROR, EATING IT UP ATTHE SEDER.

>> Chris: THE FACT THIS WOULDBE ALLOWED IS PROOF THAT THERE

IS NO GOD.

NEXT ONE, A PARODY ABOUTMEDICAL SCHOOL SUNG BY

FIRST YEAR STUDENTS OR A PARODYABOUT HOMESCHOOL SUNG BY A

FAMILY OF CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS.

GREG PROOPS.

>> I'M GONNA GO CHRISTIANSCIENTISTS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THIS (BLEEP) IS MY WHITECOAT, MY TUNING FORK, AND MY

STETHOSCOPE, THIS ONE'S FOR THEMNEWBIES, THEM M1'S, PRE-MED

DEGREES.

>> Chris: YOU SHOULDAUTOMATICALLY FAIL OUT OF MED

SCHOOL IF YOU WEAR A LAB COATAND A FEDORA AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE A DOCTOR ATTHAT POINT.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF THE FEDORA ANDPUT ON THE COAT BUT NOT AT THE

SAME TIME.

"HI, I AM DR. FUNK." NO YOUARE NOT DR. FUNK.

NEXT ONE, A PARODY BY A BUNCHOF OVERWEIGHT AVENGERS

IMPERSONATORS OR A PARODY BY ATEAM OF MIDDLE-AGED DRIVING

INSTRUCTORS.

>> I I WILL GO WITH PARODY BY ATEAM OF MIDDLE-AGED DRIVING

INSTRUCTORS.

>> THIS IS THAT SEQUEL, TO THATSMASH HIT, HIT, NO EQUAL, THIS

ONE'S FOR THE TRUE FANS, WITHHULK HANDS.

TOO HOT, HULK SMASH.

>> Chris: IT IS TURNING INTOFEAR FACTOR.

>> THE EDGES ON THESE AREN'TSTRAIGHT ENOUGH TO CUT MY

OWN WRISTS ON.

>> Chris: GUESS WHAT, GUYS,THERE IS STILL MORE!

>> DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

>> Chris: EXPENSIVE ANDUNNECESSARY PRODUCTION, DARK

LORD FUNK WITH LORD VOLDEMORT ORMUPPET TOWN FUND WITH DR. TEETH

AND THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM.

>> I THINK IT IS LORD VOLDEMORTBECAUSE THE MUPPETS MIGHT BE

FUN. VOLDEMORT.

>> Chris: I WATCHED THIS ALL THEWAY THROUGH A COUPLE OF TIMES.

I AM SORRY.

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> YOU REALLY DID WATCH IT,DIDN'T YOU.

>> Chris: DON'T JUDGE ME.

>> I AM NOT JUDGING.

I AM STANDING IN BREATHLESSWONDER.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, HE'SGOT A WAY.

THE NEW YORK SENATE JUSTPASSED A BILL TO NAME A ROAD IN

LONG ISLAND AFTER DAD ROCKLEGEND AND TERRIBLE DRIVER BILLY

JOEL.

SO NOW WHEN HE WRECKS HIS CAR HECAN CALL 911 AND SAY, WHERE DO

YOU THINK I AM? I AM ON MESTREET.

NO, NOT ELTON JOHN PARKWAY.BILLY JOEL (BLEEP)ING BOULEVARD.

COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO GIVEHE, GIVE ME THE NAMES OF SOME

BUSINESSES ON BILLY JOELBOULEVARD, 60-SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, BEGIN.

>> JUST THE WAY YOU ARE PLASTICSURGERY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARON.

>> WE DIDN'T START THE FIREROASTED PIZZA.

>> Chris: POINTS. PROOPS.

>> BEVMO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> UPTOWN SQUIRREL, URBAN PETSTORE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

GREG.

>> ANOTHER BEVMO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNGMORTUARY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GREG.

>> COMBO BEVMO-PIZZA HUT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH.

GREG.

>> SELL US A THONG, YOU'RE THEPANTY MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT IS REALLY GOOD.

GOD DAMNIT.

BARON.

>> OH, I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAYYOU SPARR GYM.