CC Presents: Chad Daniels

  • Season 12, Ep 18
  • 01/11/2008

I THINK WE SHOULD BE ABLETO KILL OLD PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE WE ARE.

I SEE SOME OF YOUDON'T LIKE THAT IDEA.

THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING...

EXCEPT USE ALL OUR RESOURCES.

SOCIAL SECURITY'S BASED ONA 75-YEAR-OLD LIFE EXPECTANCY,

BUT BECAUSE OF MODERN MEDICINE,PEOPLE ARE LIVING TO BE 105.

THAT'S 30 YEARSOF SPENDING OUR MONEY.

DIE, BITCH.ANYBODY WITH ME YET?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOME OF YOU GUYSSTILL NOT CONVINCED.

GLOBAL WARMING --A HUGE ISSUE. WHY?

OLD PEOPLEKEEP BREATHING OUR AIR.

AND THEY'RE COCKY ABOUT IT.

YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD PERSONOUTSIDE BREATHING OUR AIR?

WHAT'S RIGHT BEHIND THEM?THEIR OWN GODDAMN TANK OF AIR!

THEY'RE HOARDING OUR STUFF,RIGHT?

HEY, GREAT-GRANDMA,YOU WANT TO HOARD SOMETHING,

HOW ABOUT PERFUME BEFORE YOU GOTO CHURCH ON SUNDAY?

HAVE YOU EVER SAT NEXT TOA REALLY OLD LADY AT CHURCH?

YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY.

YOUR EYES ARE TWITCHY'CAUSE SHE'S TART FOR JESUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN YOU'RE 100, HOW COMEYOU'RE WEARING PERFUME?

ISN'T YOUR VAGINA BROKEN?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I DON'T KNOW.I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO TO HELL

BECAUSE I'M HAVINGHORRIBLE THOUGHTS

ABOUT THIS OLD LADY IN CHURCH,

AND THAT'S A DOUBLE-WHAMMYBECAUSE THERE'S FIRE IN HELL,

AND NOW I'M FLAMMABLE BECAUSEI HAVE PERFUME DUST ALL OVER ME.

I'M NOT SAYING, "HIT THEMON THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER,"

"SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE,"YOU GUYS.

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

I'M SAYING GET CREATIVE.HAVE FUN.

IF THEY'RE EVER TAKING TOO LONGTO CROSS THE STREET,

SNEAK UP BEHIND THEMAND GIVE THEM A "BRM-BRRRM!"

THEY'RE GONNA CRAP THEIR PANTSOR DIE.

EITHER WAY, THAT IS AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND IF THEY DIE, YOU GET TO KEEPTHEIR TANK OF AIR LIKE A TROPHY.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?LOOK WHAT I GOT.

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,BUT THAT'S A TWO-HONKER."

I KNOW THERE HAS TO BE RULESFOR SUCH A RIDICULOUS SITUATION.

LET'S SAY, FOR THIS STORY,LIFE EXPECTANCY'S 85

AND YOU KILL AN 84-YEAR-OLD,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPENDTHAT ONE YEAR IN PRISON.

YOU PICKED HER TOO EARLY.SHE WASN'T RIPE.

HOWEVER, COMMA,IF LIFE EXPECTANCY'S 85

AND YOU KILL A 90-YEAR-OLD,

NOW WE'RE TALKINGABOUT FIVE YEARS CREDIT.

AND YOU GET TICKETS LIKECHUCK E. CHEESE SKEE-BALL.

AND YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE TICKETS'CAUSE THEY NEVER EXPIRE.

AND THEN ONE DAY DOWN THE ROAD,YOU SAY,

"SON, COULD YOU GO MOWTHE LAWN?"

AND HE TURNS TO YOU WITHALL HIS CRABBY TEENAGE ANGST

AND SAYS, "KISS MY ASS, DAD!"

OH, NO, 'CAUSE STAB,TICKETS, YOU'RE EVEN.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, I AGREE.

AND WE GOT HOOKED UPWITH THIS HIPPIE COUPLE,

AND THEY WERE REALLY WEIRD.

LIKE, "YOU ALREADY KNOW WHATYOU'RE GONNA NAME YOUR BABY?

"THAT IS SO '90s.IT'S THE 21st CENTURY.

"WE'RE GONNA LET THE BABYCOME OUT OF MY WIFE'S VAGINA

AND LET IT INSPIRE USINTO NAMING IT."

"OH, REALLY?

"ENJOY RAISING A BABY NAMED'STINKY PURPLY WRINKLY CRAPPY.'

"THOSE ARE THE FIRST FOUR WORDSYOU'RE GONNA BE INSPIRED WITH

WHEN YOU SEETHAT LITTLE BALL OF PUS."

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A NEWBORN?THEY'RE SO GROSS.

"MR. DANIELS, WOULD YOU LIKETO HOLD YOUR DAUGHTER?"

"WELL, WASH HER OFF FIRSTAND I WILL.

"THIS IS A NEW SHIRT.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME WE WERETAKING PICTURES TODAY."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

I'M A STRICT DAD.

I WON'T LET MY SON USE GUTTERBUMPERS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

PEOPLE ASK ME, WHY NOT?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU,HE'S 8, REMEMBER?

"THROW THE BALL STRAIGHT,JACKASS."

HOW HARD COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE?

PARENTS ARE SUCH LUNATICSABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

"WHAT IF HE DOESN'T GETA STRIKE?!"

WELL, THEN MOVE HIM OVERA LITTLE BIT AND TRY IT AGAIN.

HOW HARD IS THAT?

I WAS AT A BOWLING ALLEY ONETIME, THIS KID CAME UP TO ME,

USING GUTTER BUMPERS,"HEY, MISTER, I GOT A STRIKE!"

NO, YOU DIDN'T,YOU LITTLE WINDOW LICKER.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

IT BOUNCED FIVE TIMESBEFORE YOU EVEN HIT A PIN.

YOU'D BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THETHIRD FRAME WITH ZERO RIGHT NOW

IF YOU WEREN'T CHEATING.

NOW GO GET YOUR DAD SO I CANKICK HIM IN HIS [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I COACHED MY SON'S T-BALL TEAMTHIS SUMMER.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,"OH, THAT'S SAD."

DON'T COVER YOUR LAUGH.THAT'S OKAY.

EVERYTHING I SAY TONIGHT'SSUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,

SO IF THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PARENTS LOSE THEIR MINDAT T-BALL.

"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU THE COACH?CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

HOW COME MY BOYISN'T THE PITCHER?"

"'CAUSE IT'S T-BALL.

"I'D BE HAPPY TO PUT THE BALLON HIS HEAD

"AND LET THE OTHER KIDS SWINGAT IT IF YOU LIKE,

ESPECIALLY COMING IN HEREWITH THAT CRAPPY ATTITUDE."

THE BEST PLAY I EVER SAW,

LITTLE GIRL DOVE FOR A BALL,CAUGHT IT IN MIDAIR.

HER DAD DIDN'T EVEN SAY,"NICE PLAY,"

JUST GOES, "GET UP AND TAG HIM!GET UP AND TAG HIM!"

SHE DROPPED THE BALLAND THE GLOVE, RUNS OVER,

AND GOES, "YOU'RE IT,"THEN RUNS BACK.

YEAH.

I WENT TO A CLASS REUNION

NOT TOO LONG AGO,

AND MY EX-GIRLFRIENDFROM HIGH SCHOOL WAS THERE.

SHE WAS ALL LIKE, "OH, LOOK ATHOW GREAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME

"SINCE I DUMPED YOUR LOSER ASS.

I'M SPREADING MY FEATHERS.I'M A PEACOCK."

IT WAS SO RIDICULOUS.SHE GOES, "EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE!

"THIS IS MY HUSBAND, DARREN,

AND HE'S FOURTH-GENERATIONATTORNEY."

WHO INTRODUCES SOMEONE AS"FOURTH-GENERATION ATTORNEY"?

SO I WAS LIKE,"HEY, DARREN, I'M CHAD.

I ACTUALLY DATED STACYIN HIGH SCHOOL."

AND HE GOT ALL UPSET, YOU KNOW?HE WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU DATED HER?

"THAT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE,FOR OUR HONEYMOON,

I TOOK HER AROUND THE WORLD."

I WAS LIKE,"OH, THAT'S INTERESTING,

'CAUSE FOR JUNIOR PROM,I TOOK HER VIRGINITY."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

"I MEAN, MY DAD AND MY GRANDPANEVER TOUCHED HER,

SO I'M FIRST-GENERATIONCHERRY-POPPER AND STUFF."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

HE WASN'T HAPPY LIKE YOU GUYS.

HE WAS LIKE, "I GRADUATED TOPOF MY LAW CLASS

AND ACED THE BOARDS,AND I OBJECT!"

I WAS LIKE, "I WATCH'LAW & ORDER' ON WEDNESDAYS,

AND YOU'RE OVERRULED, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

TUNG TUNG!

'CAUSE NOW HE CAN'T HIT ME.I'M NOT EVEN THERE ANYMORE.

HE WINDS UP, I'M LIKE,"TUNG TUNG!"

I'M AT THE COURTHOUSE.READ THE WHITE LETTERS, DUDE.

TUNG TUNG! APARTMENTIN THE BRONX, 10:38 A.M.

STEP IT OFF.STEP IT OFF.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I TRIED LEARNING FRENCHA WHILE BACK.

THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWALL OF ENGLISH.

HAVE YOU EVER TALKEDTO A REALLY SMART PERSON?

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU JUST SAID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT ONE WORD -- HOLY CRAP!

THAT WAS A GOOD BIG WORD.THAT WAS BIG."

AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE MY FRIEND'SAN ENGLISH TEACHER,

HE'S ALWAYS CORRECTINGMY GRAMMAR, WHICH HEHAS TO DO CONSTANTLY.

I WAS LIKE, "ME AND KEVIN, WE'REGOING TO THE GAME. WANT TO GO?"

HE'S LIKE, "IT'S 'KEVIN AND I.'"I WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS KEVIN AND I 'CAUSEYOU'RE NO LONGER INVITED."

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOMETIMES I LOOK UP A WORDIN THE DICTIONARY.

IN THE DEFINITION,

THERE'S TWO OR THREE WORDSI HAVE TO LOOK UP.

DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT SUCKS?

I LOOKED UP A WORD ONE TIME,A HALF-HOUR LATER,

I HAD A LIST OF 51 WORDSTO LOOK UP.

MY WIFE WALKS IN --

"LOOKS LIKE THAT LISTIS GROWING EXPONENTIALLY."

"WELL, 52, BITCH.THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

THAT'S GREAT.THAT'S REALLY NEAT."

SO I TOOK A FRENCH CLASS, RIGHT?

BUT THEY HADTHE "NO ENGLISH" RULE,

WHICH IS THE MOST RIDICULOUSTHING I'VE HEARD IN MY LIFE.

EVERY DAY I WAS IN THERE --"EN FRANCAIS.

MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH!EN FRANCAIS."

"I DON'T KNOW THE LANGUAGE.

"THAT'S WHY I TOOK YOUR COURSE.

HOLA! DUMARITA!"

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

MY FATHER ACTUALLYABANDONED MY FAMILY

WHEN I WAS 15AND MY SISTER WAS 10.

NOW I HAVE A LITTLE BOYAND A LITTLE GIRL OF MY OWN

AND LOOK AT THEMEVERY SINGLE DAY AND THINK,

"HOW IN THE HELLDID IT TAKE HIM THAT LONG?"

WOW, KIDS SUCK AND ARE ANNOYING!AM I RIGHT?

HOLY CRAP.

MY SON WAKES ME UPAT 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

HE'S 8 YEARS OLD,

STILL WAKING ME UP AT 6:00IN THE MORNING DOING THIS TO ME.

"DADDY. DADDY, ARE YOU UP?ARE YOU UP?

DAD, ARE YOU UP? ARE YOU UP?CAN YOU GET ME SOME CEREAL?"

IT'S ON THE BOTTOM SHELF,YOU LITTLE PRICK.

YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M HIDINGTHAT STUFF IN THE FREEZER.

WE STRATEGICALLY PLACED IT LOWERSO YOU COULD REACH IT.

THAT'S ALSO WHYTHERE'S INDIVIDUAL MILKS

IN THE REFRIGERATOR SO YOU WON'TSPILL THE BIG JUG AGAIN.

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY DAUGHTER CAME HOMEFROM DAYCARE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE WAS LIKE...

♪ THE WIPERS ON THE BUSGO BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪

WELL, YOUR BUS IS BROKEN,STUPID.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I HOPE YOU KEPT THE RECEIPT.

I HOPE YOU KEPT THE RECEIPT

'CAUSE SOMEBODY SOLD YOUA LEMON.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

WIPERS DON'T GO BEEP,BEEP, BEEP -- HORNS DO.

LEARN THE WORDS.YOU'RE 3.

PEOPLE ALWAYS COME UP TO MEAFTER SHOWS --

"CHAD, YOU SHOULDN'T TALKLIKE THAT.

BABIES ARE MIRACLES.THEY'RE ABSOLUTE MIRACLES."

AND I AGREE.

WHEN THEY'RE BORN,THEIR FEET ARE ONLY THAT BIG,

YET THEY CAN SOMEHOW STEP ONALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I CAN SEE SOME CHRISTIANSSTARING AT ME.

THEY'RE NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUTWHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW.

BUT THEY CAN SUCK IT.

'CAUSE I WOULD NEVERHIT MY KIDS,

BUT I WOULD TOTALLY LEAVE THEMSOMEWHERE ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SOMEWHERE SAFE LIKEA CEREAL AISLE OR SOMETHING.

'CAUSE I WANTED TO BE A DADREALLY BAD, THEN I HAD KIDS.

TURNS OUT I WANTED TO BEAN UNCLE.

SEEMS WAY BETTER.

MY SON WAS BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK,

SO WE HAD TO LEARN STUFFDIFFERENTLY, LIKE THIS SONG --

♪ MOMMY AND DADDYSITTING IN A TREE ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G

♪ FIRST COMES THE BABYIN THE BABY CARRIAGE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ THEN COMES MARRIAGE

♪ BECAUSE OF THE BABYIN THE BABY CARRIAGE ♪

♪ NOW THEY KIND OFLIKE EACH OTHER ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY DAUGHTER'S NAME'S ANASTASIA.

IT'S NOT LIKE A FAMILY NAME,

BUT THERE'S A KID ON OUR BLOCKTHAT TEASES ALL THE OTHER KIDS,

AND HE HAS A LISP, SO WE THOUGHTWE'D MESS WITH HIM THIS TIME.

THAT'S GONNA BE GREAT."YOU'RE THTUPID ANATHTATHA!"

NOW SHE CAN BE LIKE,"AM I, FAT TONGUE?

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO PRACTICETALKING

'CAUSE MY MIDDLE NAMEIS SEABISCUIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE CAN LAUGH AT THAT, RIGHT?

IT'S A 5-YEAR-OLD WITH A LISP.HE'S GONNA GET OVER IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M UP HEREMAKING FUN

OF AN 18-YEAR-OLD WITH A LISP --I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S GAY-BASHING,AND THAT'S WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

YOU WANT TO GET MADABOUT THE LISP,

GET MAD AT THE GUYWHO NAMED IT "LISP."

WHAT A JERK, RIGHT?

"HEY, WHAT CAN'T THEY DO?""THEY CAN'T SAY THEIR S's."

"SERIOUSLY?LET'S CALL IT 'LISP.'

"PUT THEM ON THE BUS.WE'RE MOVING TO MISSISSIPPI.

COME ON."

"WHERE DO YOU GUYS LIVE?""MITHI-- AAH!"

MY MOM WAS MAD WHEN SHE FIGUREDOUT WHY WE NAMED HER THAT.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU NAMEDYOUR LITTLE GIRL THAT

JUST TO TEASE A LITTLE BOY?"

I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE LUCKYWE HAD A LITTLE GIRL

OR YOU'D BE HOLDING A GRANDSONNAMED 'SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.'"

YES!

YES, YES!

THAT'S TOO MUCH.

YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR WITH THIS.

YOU GUYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE READYTO HAVE FUN TONIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'REEMBARRASSED OF YOUR LAUGH.

"I'M NOT GONNA LAUGH IN PUBLIC.I'M EMBARRASSED."

IT'LL NEVER BEAT THE ONE I HEARDIN TULSA, OKLAHOMA.

MAA-HAA!

THAT'S HOW A HUMAN BEINGLAUGHED -- MAA-HAA!

I'M SORRY,IS MY BOAT TOO CLOSE TO SHORE?

BECAUSE WHAT IN THE HELLIS GOING ON WITH YOUR FACE?

THEN HE GOT MAD, RIGHT?

HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I WASMAKING FUN OF HIS LAUGH,

AND HE HECKLED ME, BUT HERE'SHOW HE DID IT -- HE WENT, "BOO!"

WELL, THAT'S THE WRONG ONE,STUPID.

THERE ARE TWO "BOOS,"AND YOU PICKED THE WRONG ONE.

YOU SUCK AT LAUGHINGAND GUESSING.

I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THAT GUY'SHOUSE FOR HALLOWEEN, THOUGH,

WATCH HIM JUMP OUTOF THE BUSHES.

"BOOOOOOO!

BOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"DID I SCARE YOU?"

"NO, BUT NOW WE THINKOUR COSTUMES SUCK. THANKS."

HAD SEX WITH MY WIFEBEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK.

YEAH.IT WAS PRETTY SWEET.

WE FINISHEDAT THE EXACT SAME TIME,

AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BEREALLY ROMANTIC, YOU KNOW?

BUT I THINK I RUINED IT'CAUSE I YELLED, "JINX!YOU OWE ME A COKE!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU GUYS ARE CLAPPING.SHE DIDN'T TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT.

AND I WAS LIKE, "SWEET."

YOU MEAN I CAN GET LAIDAND NOT HAVE PILLOW TALK?

WELL, WINNER, WINNER,CHICKEN DINNER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I SHOULD WINTHE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR THAT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

BUT INSTEAD THEY GAVE ITTO MUHAMMAD YUNUS

FOR MICRO-CREDIT?

BORING!

"WELL, I PULLED PEOPLEABOVE THE POVERTY LINE."

I HAD SEX WITH A GIRLAND DIDN'T HAVE TO TALK TO HER!

WE SHOULD AT LEAST GO HALVSIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I ALSO THINK FAT PEOPLE

SHOULDN'T GET TO USEWHEELCHAIRS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULD MAYBE TELL YOU GUYSTHAT STARING AT ME

ISN'T GONNA GET METO TAKE IT BACK.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY CERTAINLY SHOULDN'TGET TO PARK IN HANDICAP SPOTS.

YOU'RE NOT HANDICAPPED,YOU'RE FAT -- THAT'S DIFFERENT.

THEY SHOULD HAVEFAT PARKING SPOTS,

AND THEY SHOULD BEAT THE BOTTOM OF A HILL

SO YOU HAVE TO WALK UPTO GET TO WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

THESE ARE GOOD IDEAS.I KNOW THAT.

THINK ABOUT THAT MENTALITYFOR A SECOND.

PEOPLE THAT NEED EXERCISETHE MOST IN THIS COUNTRY,

WE GIVE THEM WHEELSAND LET THEM PARK CLOSER.

REALLY? HEY, WHY DON'T YOUGIVE THEM A STICK OF BUTTER

TO EAT ON THE WAY IN, TOO?

HOW ABOUT SOME BUTTER, JACKASS?

AND PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME, LIKE,"YOU'RE NOT IN GREAT SHAPE.

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHTTO SAY THAT?"

WELL, THIS DOES.LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.

♪ YAH BAH BA-DA-BA-DABA BA BA-DA ♪

WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN DO THAT?'CAUSE I CAN ALSO DO THIS.

AWW! AWW!

MNH-MNH.

UNH-UNH.

DADDY'S FULL.DADDY LIKES WALKING.

WHILE WE'RE IN THAT VEIN,

FOR ME PERSONALLY

'CAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW IT,RIGHT?

AND IT WAS THE FIRST LANGUAGE.DUH, THE BIBLE'S IN ENGLISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT SAYS IT RIGHT THERE --"IN THE BEGINNING..."

HELLO.

I WAS CONFIRMED A LUTHERAN.

FOR CONFIRMATION, WE HAD TO PICKA VERSE OUT OF THE BIBLE,

READ IT, AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TOREFLECT RELIGION.

MINE WAS GENESIS 43:23 --"I AM YOUR LORD.

"DO NOT FEAR YOUR LORD,

FOR I HAVE GIVEN YOU TREASUREIN YOUR SACKS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MOTHER ALMOST BEATTHE [BLEEP] OUT OF ME THAT DAY.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

FUNNY FOR YOU GUYS, BUT SHE'SCHASING ME AROUND CHURCH GOING,

"PICK ANOTHER VERSE,YOU LITTLE SMARTASS!"

I'M IN THE CORNER GOING,"THOU SHALT NOT KILL."

MY PASTOR WAS SO MAD.

HE WAS LIKE, "HOW DOESTHAT VERSE REFLECT RELIGION?"

I WAS LIKE,"WELL, THE VERSE DOESN'T.

THE FACT THAT I TOOK IT OUTOF CONTEXT DOES."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, PEOPLETAKE RELIGION OUT OF CONTEXT.

YOU EVER SEEN THE KKKON THE NEWS?

"SLAVERY SHOULD BE LEGAL 'CAUSEIT'S RIGHT HERE IN THE BIBLE!"

AND THAT'S CRAP'CAUSE THAT GUY CAN'T READ.

SURPRISED SOME OF THOSE GUYSHAVEN'T DIED

FROM FORGETTING TO BREATHE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"WHAT HAPPENED TO EARL?"

"HE JUST TURNED BLUEAND HE FELL."

"WELL, BLUE --WE GOT TO HANG HIM.

HE AIN'T WHITE NO MORE.COME ON."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I SAW A GUY ON THE NEWSFROM THE KKK ONE TIME.

HE GOES,"I DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE

'CAUSE THEY LIKE FRIED CHICKEN,WATERMELON, AND THEY'RE LAZY."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHOA, I AM BLACK!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I LIKE FRIED CHICKEN,

"AND I LOVE WATERMELON,ESPECIALLY THE SEEDLESS KIND,

AND THAT BRINGS USRIGHT TO LAZY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS IN MONTREAL, CANADA, AND ISAW A 7 1/2-FOOT-TALL WOMAN

RUNNING THROUGH THE AIRPORT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AGAIN WITH THE IMAGINATIONS.

SHE WAS 7 1/2 FEET TALL AND --

NOT RUNNING, GALLOPINGTHROUGH THE AIRPORT.

WHEN YOU SEE THAT, YOU EXPECTTO SEE SOMETHING BEHIND HER

LIKE THE "X-FILES" PEOPLEOR A ZOOKEEPER

OR THE REST OF THE PARADE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE ONLY OTHER GUY THAT SAW HERWAS THIS AUSTRALIAN GUY.

HE STOPS, LOOKS MERIGHT IN THE EYES, AND HE GOES,

"WELL, THAT'S A BIG BITCH,"AND JUST KEEPS ON WALKING.

HE JUST KEPT WALKING.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE,BECAUSE SHE FELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME OF YOU ARE SO CONCERNEDFOR OTHER PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT WE WERE IN NEW YORK.ACT LIKE IT.

THAT'S 7 1/2 FEET,AND SHE FELL ALL THE WAY DOWN.

THAT'S LIKE GETTING YAHTZEEIN ONE ROLL.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN.

ENJOY IT WHEN IT DOES,ALL RIGHT?

EVER SEENA NORMAL-SIZE PERSON FALL?

IT'S FUNNY.YOU SHOULD LAUGH, RIGHT?

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY THIS TALLFALL, GRAB SOME POPCORN,

'CAUSE IT TAKES FOREVER.

FOREVER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I YELLED "TIMBER!" FOUR TIMES,

AND SHE WAS STILL ONLYLIKE RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

YOU GUYS, WHEN SHE FELL,SHE FELL SO HARD,

HER KNEE HIT FIRST -- BAM!

NOW SHE'S MY HEIGHT.

AND I CAN SEE HER FACEAS SHE'S COMING BY ME.

SHE'S LIKE, "iSANTA MARIA!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,A TALL MEXICAN IN CANADA?

THIS JOKEIS INTERNATIONALLY FUNNY."

HER TORSO WORKEDAS LIKE A SLINKY

AND JUST WHIPPED HER ASSTO THE GROUND, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A BIG WOMAN --SHE HIT THE GROUND SO HARD,

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA BUST UPINTO A BUNCH OF SMALLER WOMEN

AND THEY ALL RUN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS OR SOMETHING.

LIKE SOME WEIRD CANADIANFIREWORK I HAD NEVER SEEN.

AND IT'S CANADA, SO THIS GUY'SJOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT

WITH A CONCUSSION TEST,FLASHING A LIGHT IN HER EYES,

ASKING HER QUESTIONS LIKE,

"WHO'S THE PRIME MINISTEROF CANADA?"

AND "WHAT'S THE CAPITALOF NOVA SCOTIA?"

AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID, "I'MPRETTY SURE I HAVE A CONCUSSION

"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWANY OF THAT STUFF.

"I WAS EDUCATED I AMERICA.

WE DON'T LEARN ABOUTOTHER COUNTRIES THERE."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

WE DON'T HAVE TO, RIGHT?WE DON'T HAVE TO.

OUR FOREIGN POLICYIS "GIVE IT HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS ARE NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE TIME I WAS DOWN SOUTH,

AND I BUMPED INTO A GUYFROM THE RODEO,

AND HE WANTED TO SEEWHO WAS TOUGHER.

UNH-UNH.

IF YOU CAN TAKE A HORNUP YOUR ASS AND LIVE,

YOU ARE WAY TOUGHER THAN I AM.

AND THEY'RE ALL BUFF.

WHY WOULD YOU BE BUFFIF YOU WERE IN THE RODEO?

I WOULD BE UBER FAT.

YOU WOULD WIN EVERY SINGLE TIME,RIGHT?

THE GATE WOULD OPEN UP -- ENN!

THE BULL WOULD BE LIKE,"OH, THIS SUCKS. HE'S FAT.

"I CAN'T BUCK HIS FAT ASS.GET HIM OFF OF ME, PLEASE!

"LORDY, LORDY, LOOK WHO'S 1,240.

"THIS SUCKS!

"HAS IT BEEN 8 SECONDS?WELL, TICKTOCK! LET'S GO!

"THIS GUY HAS 180 POUNDSOF TITTY!

"GET HIM OFF OF ME!

OH, MY BACK.SOMEBODY CALL P.E.T.A."

I TOLD THAT JOKE IN TEXASONE TIME.

OOPS, MY BAD.

THIS GUY STANDS UP, HE GOES,

"I'M IN THE RODEO,AND I'M KICKING YOUR ASS."

WAS LIKE, "SETTLE DOWN, MAN.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

AND I SWEAR HE GOES,"MY NAME'S TRUCK."

SO I SAID, "NO, IT'S NOT, KURT.

YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT YOUR BELTUPSIDE DOWN AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN HE KICKED MY ASS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.MY NAME IS CHAD DANIELS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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