Marsha Warfield & Jeff Altman

  • Season 1, Ep 0136
  • 02/24/1992

THIS IS KIND OF LIKEWE'RE BACK IN THE '60s.

WE'VE GONE BACKIN A TIME MACHINE

AND THIS ISN'T REALLY 1992OR THREE OR FOUR

BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'RE GOINGTO BE SHOWING THIS THING

FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS.

ONE FLAT RATE AND WE'RE GOINGTO SHOW IT UNTIL 1999.

THAT'S ALL YOU'REGETTING, HONEY.

I LOVE IT.

OH, LORD, LET ME JUST THINKABOUT EVERYTHING FOR A MINUTE.

LET ME TAKE A MINUTE AND THINKABOUT MY LIFE IN FRONT OF YOU.

I'LL CRY, I'LL LAUGH, I'LL SING.

Man:SING.

SING.

( cheering and applause )

I'D LOVE TO.

♪ I'D LOVE TO SING FOR YOU

♪ IF I ONLY COULD.

( cheers )

I LOVE HIM.

NO, IT'S VERY BROADWAY MUSICAL.

YOU NOTICE HOW YOU CAN MAKE UP ABROADWAY MUSICAL ABOUT ANYTHING.

IT'S TRUE, IT'S LIKE THIS WOMANSITTING HERE.

♪ SHE WAS WEARINGA PINK SWEATER ♪

♪ OH, REALLY SHE WAS,I MEAN IT ♪

♪ IT WAS A PINK SWEATER.

( applause )

( cheering )

♪ BUT THE GIRL NEXT TO HERIN A FADED JEAN JACKET ♪

♪ SAID, "NO, NO, NO... NOT ME!

♪ "BECAUSE I'M LIVING NOW,I'M LIVING HIGH OFF THE HOG ♪

♪ "I'VE BEEN BEATEN DOWNLIKE A DIRTY DOG ♪

♪ BUT TONIGHT THE LADYIN THE PINK SWEATER SAID NO!" ♪

( applause, cheering )

GOOD VOICE, LOVE HER,SHE'S BRILLIANT!

NO, BROADWAY KILLS ME.

SOME GUYS JUST SIT AROUND

AND GO, "OH, I DON'T CARE,JUST ANYTHING."

LET'S JUST REVISETHAT OLD MUSICAL

THAT WE DID 20,000 YEARS AGO.

( cheering )

I LOVE THESE CLOTHES.

THEY COME WITH AN ATTITUDE.

YOU COULD WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

FEELING ALL MOUSYAND UNASSUMING.

SOON AS YOU GET THE CROWN ON

IT'S LIKE,"HEATHEN, ON YOUR KNEES.

BOW TO THE ONE TRUE DIVA,BITCH GODDESS OF THE UNIVERSE."

I LOVE THAT WORD.

BITCH.

( laughter )

SAY IT WITH ME.

Audience:BITCH.

Y'ALL DON'T HEAR ME.

SOMEBODY ASKED METO DEFINE THE WORD "BITCH."

I SAID, WELL, I THINKA BITCH IS A KIND OF WOMAN

WHO WOULD WEAR A MIRRORON THE BACK OF HER SKIRT

SO YOU CAN SEEWHAT A FOOL YOU ARE...

( laughter )

WHEN SHE TELLS YOUTO KISS HER ASS.

( laughter )

IT'S GREAT TO BEA BLACK WOMAN NOWADAYS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( scant applause )

IT IS.

BLACK WOMEN, WE HAVE ATTITUDE.

WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE ON EARTH

BORN KNOWING HOW TO ROLLOUR EYES WITH THEM CLOSED.

( laughter )

GAY MEN DO IT TOO,BUT THEY LEARNED FROM US.

I WISH BLACK WOMEN OWNEDMORE STUFF, THOUGH.

LIKE I WISH WE HADOUR OWN AIRLINE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

NOT THE IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

BUT THE BOARDING ANNOUNCEMENTSWOULD BE REALLY DIFFERENT

THAN THE ONES YOU HEAR NOW.

INSTEAD OF THOSE ONES THAT GO

"FLIGHT 512 NOW BOARDINGFOR GATE 17"

YOU'D HEAR THINGS LIKE

"UH, EXCUSE ME, BUT IF YOUBOUGHT A TICKET TO DETROIT

I SUGGEST YOU GET THE HELLON THE PLANE..."

( hooting )

"WE LEAVIN'."

( laughter )

THE IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTSWOULD BE DIFFERENT, TOO.

"NOW YOU DON'T HAVETO BUCKLE THAT SEAT BELT

"IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,BUT WHEN SOMETHING COME ALONG

"AND SUCK YOUR ASSOUT OF FIRST CLASS

DON'T BE PUSHING THAT BUTTONCALLING ME."

THE ONE WHERE ALL THOSEWHITE PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AROUND

TALKING ABOUT,"I WANT TO BE LIKE MIKE."

THAT'S A DAMN LIE.

I WISH THE NEXT PERSONTHAT SAYS THAT

WOULD TURN FOUR SHADESBLACKER THAN MIDNIGHT

AND ALL THEIR HAIR FALL OUT.

( applause )

WE'LL SEE WHO WANT TO BELIKE MIKE THEN.

"UH, I WAS JUST PLAYING.

"I WANT TO BESOMETHING LIKE MIKE.

"YOU KNOW, I WANT TO BE ABLE TODUNK FROM THE THREE-POINT LINE

BUT I'D LIKE A LIFEAFTER BASKETBALL."

( laughter )

THEN THAT OTHER MIKE WASIN THE NEWS-- MIKE TYSON.

HE HAD AN INTERESTINGDEFENSE AT HIS TRIAL.

( imitating Tyson: )"YOUR HONOR, I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

BUT HE'S A HELL OFA FIGHTER, ISN'T HE?

BOY, ASK LARRY HOLMES.

MIKE RETIRED LARRY HOLMES

AND LARRY DIDN'T THINK ABOUTCOMING OUT OF RETIREMENT

UNTIL MIKE WASSAFELY BEHIND BARS.

( laughter )

MIKE MUST HIT HARD, TOO

BECAUSE WHEN HE HITS PEOPLE,THEY FALL DOWN.

THEY DON'T EVEN GET UPAND THEY DON'T BE KNOCKED OUT.

THEY JUST REFUSE.

YOU SEE THEM LAYING THERE,LOOKING UP AT THE REFEREE

GOING, "MISTER, YOU CAN COUNTTO 275 IF YOU WANT TO.

I'M NOT GETTING UPTILL THAT NIGGER LEAVES."

WE HAVE GREAT MOVIES NOWADAYS.

YOU KNOW, NOT LIKE THE ONESWE USED TO HAVE.

REMEMBER THOSEOLD SAFARI MOVIES--

THE ONES WHERE THERE'D BE15,000 BLACK PEOPLE

SURROUNDING THREE VERYFRIGHTENED WHITE PEOPLE?

THEN ONE OF THE WHITE PEOPLEWOULD HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA.

( with British accent: )I SAY, WE SEEM TO BE IN A SPOT OF TROUBLE.

WAIT, I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA.

THEN HE'D REACH INTO HIS POCKETAND COME OUT WITH A ZIPPO.

GO LIKE THIS.

( laughter )

AND ALL THE BLACKPEOPLE WOULD GO "OOH."

BECAUSE WE KNEW WE WASGOING TO BARBECUE.

( laughter and applause )

I'M WRITING A MOVIE.

I'M WRITING A MOVIE,IT'S A HORROR MOVIE.

IT'S ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE,DESIGNED TO SCARE WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S CALLED BLACK MEN: EMPLOYED.

( applause )

THEY'RE YOUNG, THEY'RE BLACK,THEY'RE HIP, THEY'RE WORKING.

( screams )

( laughter )

YEAH, I KNOW I'MPRETTY MILITANT.

I DO HAVE AN IDEA FOR A TV SHOWTHAT I'M WORKING ON, THOUGH

AND I KNOW THEY'LL BUY THIS ONE.

I'M SAVING IT FORIF I GET DESPERATE.

THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A REAL POORBLACK FAMILY WITH A LOT OF KIDS

AND A LOT OF PROBLEMSWHO SMILE ALL THE TIME.

IT'S CALLED WE BE HAPPY.

( laughter )

THAT WHOLE THING IS AMAZINGTO ME, THAT MAGIC JOHNSON THING.

MAGIC JOHNSON SAID

ADMITTED THAT HE WASSEXUALLY PROMISCUOUS

GOT THE H.I.V. VIRUS

AND POSSIBLY INFECTEDHALF THE WOMEN THAT HE DATED

AND WE CALL HIM A HERO.

PEE-WEE HERMAN WASIN A THEATER...

( laughter )

BY HIMSELF, PRACTICING SAFE SEX.

( laughter and cheering )

BUT LIKE I SAID, IT ISGREAT TO BE BLACK NOWADAYS

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GETME WRONG, I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

Man:THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BOB?

ALL WHITE MEN ARE NAMED BOB.

( laughter )

IT'S TRUE.

BOB, BILL, JACK, CHUCK,MIKE, THAT'S IT.

THE REST OF THEMAIN'T REALLY WHITE.

BLACK MEN HAVE NAMES LIKEDARNELL, LAVELL, TYRELL.

S---T THAT RHYMES.

AND ALL BLACK WOMEN UNDER 25ARE NAMED TAMIKA.

BUT I THINK ALL BLACK PEOPLELIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

WHITE PEOPLE JUSTDON'T KNOW THAT.

I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT

IF IT WASN'T FOR WHITE PEOPLE,WHO WOULD PLAY LEAD GUITAR?

( laughter )

BECAUSE WE HAVEMORE BLACK SWIMMERS

THAN WE HAVELEAD GUITAR PLAYERS.

AND EVERYBODY KNOWSBLACK PEOPLE CAN'T SWIM.

IF WE COULD,WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

Audience:♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGHOF THAT CRAP.

SO HOW Y'ALL DOING?

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

( as Rodney Dangerfield: )I'M WALKING IN THE CLUB,I LOOK DOWN

I SEE THIS BIG DOG SITTINGTHERE LICKING HIMSELF

LIKE DOGS DO, YOU KNOW.

I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "BOY, I WISH I COULD DO THAT."

HE SAID, "WELL, GO OVER AND PETHIM, MAYBE HE'LL LET YOU."

HEY, I'VE BEEN KILLINGWITH THIS SINCE '52.

I JUST GOT BACKFROM LAS VEGAS AND I WAS...

I WAS ACTUALLY IN LAS VEGAS

AND THERE'S A LOTOF JAPANESE PEOPLE THERE.

NOT JUST TAKING PICTURES,BUT GAMBLING, TOO.

AND WHEN THEY GAMBLE, THEY LOSE.

AND WHEN THEY LOSE,THEY GET PISSED.

AND WHEN THEY GET PISSED

THEY SOUND LIKE THEY'REBEING ELECTROCUTED.

( imitating Japanese )

EVEN WHEN THEY'RE JUST A LITTLEMAD, IT SOUNDS LIKE LOW VOLTAGE.

( imitating Japanese )

( laughter )

SO I'M WATCHING ESPNTHE OTHER NIGHT

AND THERE'S THESE TWO GUYS,MARSHA WAS TALKING ABOUT BOXING

AND THEY HAD THIS FIGHT LIKECOMING FROM TACOMA, WASHINGTON.

TWO GUYS WEIGHABOUT 250 POUNDS APIECE.

FIRST TEN SECONDS OF THE FIGHT,BAM! RIGHT ON THE CHIN

THE GUY GOES BACKINTO THE ROPES

GETS TANGLED UP IN THE ROPESAND THE OTHER GUY COMES OVER

AND JUST STARTSWORKING HIM, BAM! BAM! BAM!

AND THE REF DOESNOT STOP THE FIGHT

TILL HE CAN HEAR THE GUY SAYING

"HELP, I'M STANDING ANDI CAN'T FALL DOWN-- HELP."

WE HAVE BILL CLINTON--

HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY MODELINGSUITS FOR SEARS, DOESN'T HE?

( laughter )

WE'RE ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT THEJAPANESE BASHING US, YOU KNOW.

WE SHOULD ELECT PEROT ANDHE WOULD GO OVER, OF COURSE

AND PURCHASE THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

PEROT REMINDS MEOF TRUMAN SOMEHOW.

"JUST LET ME FINDTHE LITTLE RED BUTTON.

"THAT'S ALL I WANT ISA LITTLE RED BUTTON, MEN.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE RED BUTTON."

I'M REALLY GETTING SCARED,I MIGHT VOTE FOR BUSH-- GOD.

I'M CONFUSED.

MY DOG IS NOT CONFUSED.

HE SEES A BUSH,HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.

( applause, cheering )

( woofing )

WHO ARE THOSE--EVER PULL UP TO A STOPLIGHT

AND SEE THOSE BIG PUMPED-UP GUYSALWAYS STARING YOU DOWN.

THOSE GUYS LIKE...

WELL, WHAT IS THATLITTLE HEAD THING THEY DO?

YOU SUPPOSE THAT'SWHEN THE BLOOD

ACTUALLY GETS TO THE BRAIN?

( laughter )

( deep voice: )UH, MY NAME IS DICK THE PLUMBER.

AND I'M SORRY, MR. ALTMAN

I WAS WORKING UNDERTHE CRAWL SPACE OF YOUR HOUSE

AND I GOT GAS SO BADTHE SPRINKLERS COME ON.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MOSTOF THE WATER DAMAGE, BUT...

THIS IS THE GUY WHO'SREMODELING MY HOUSE.

( deep voice: )MAY I USE YOUR BATHROOM?

NO, DICK, YOU'RENOT COMING IN NOW.

I HAVE A LITTLE THREE-YEAR-OLD

AND I DON'T WANT HERTO SEE DICK.

( laughter )

I KNOW SOME OF YOUHAVE KIDS HERE.

WE TOOK HER OUT THE OTHER NIGHTTO SEE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

I GUESS BASED ON THE SUCCESSFULTELEVISION SERIES

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, WHICH I NEVER UNDERSTOOD.

I NEVER UNDERSTOODTHAT SHOW TO BEGIN WITH.

IT WAS ABOUT A GUY

WHO APPARENTLY WASHALF-MAN, HALF-CAT.

HE WAS A CATMAN, MEOW.

APPARENTLY ROAMING UNDERTHE SEWERS OF NEW YORK

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,FOR NO REASON

HE WOULD JUST STOPAND START RECITING SHAKESPEARE.

A CAT THAT DOES SHAKESPEARE.

"SHALL I COMPARE THEETO A SUMMER'S DAY?

"THOUGH ART MORE LOVELYAND MORE TEMPERATE.

ROUGH WINDS DO SH..."

( spitting up furball )

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE, WE JUST CAMEIN FROM ANAHEIM.

WE REALLY ENJOY THE SHOW.

I LIKE THE COMEDY.

NO, REALLY, WE REALLYENJOY THE COMEDY.

I'M NERVOUS,I GET NERVOUS, SURE.

NICE SHIRT, FELLOW,COULDN'T GUESS YOUR WEIGHT?

OKAY.

SO, NO, I'M KIDDING,IT'S A JOKE.

I'M MAKING A JOKE WITHA LOVELY, PRETTY GIRL.

THE FAIRER SEX, THE BETTER SEX,THE MORE PATIENT SEX.

( applause )

GIRLS WILL DO THINGSGUYS WILL NEVER DO.

GIRLS WILL GO OVERTO EACH OTHER'S HOMES

TRY ON EACH OTHER'S CLOTHING.

( laughter )

YOU AIN'T GOING TO SEEA GUY TRYING THIS.

( deep voice: )UH, ED, I SURE HAVE BEENADMIRING THEM LOAFERS OF YOURS.

( laughter )

WE ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITYDIFFERENTLY.

RIGHT? WOMAN BUMPS INTOSOMETHING, SHE'LL BLAME HERSELF.

( crash )

( high voice: )OH, SILLY ME.

GUY BUMPS INTO SOMETHING,IT'S A DIFFERENT DEAL.

( deep voice: )WHO THE HELL PUT THIS HERE?

SON OF A BITCH.

I THOUGHT I PUTTHAT IN THE GARAGE.

( laughter and applause )

WHO'S SUPPOSED TO SIT UPHERE ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW.

WOMAN PULLS UP TO A STOPLIGHT

SEES SOMEONE WHOSHE THINKS SHE MIGHT KNOW

SHE'LL STOP, CHAT, ASK THEMWHERE THEY'RE GOING

FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.

( high voice: )HI, SUE, IT'S JUNE, HOW ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SHOPPING? OH, SEE YOU, BYE.

( imitates car )

TWO GUYS DO THIS, IT'S REASONFOR A BLOODY FISTFIGHT.

( imitates revving engine )

( imitates idling engine )

( deep voice: )HEY, CREEPNUTS,WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, MAN?

AND THERE'S CHICLETSALL OVER THE PLACE.

EVEN ON LITTLE THINGS,THE LITTLE BATHROOM HABITS

THE LITTLE MINUTIAE,THE THINGS WE NEVER THINK ABOUT

THE WAY WE SHAVE, SHOWER,SHAMPOO-- ALL DIFFERENT.

EVEN THE WAY WE TAKE ANDDISPENSE TOILET PAPER--

DIFFERENT.

MAN TAKES TOILET PAPERVERY DEFINITIVE.

IT'S LIKE, "HEE, HI, I'M DONE,GET ME BUCK STEAK, EDDIE."

WOMAN TAKES TOILET PAPER,VERY CREATIVE.

IT'S LIKE...

THEY GET A THING IN THEIR HAND,IT LOOKS LIKE A DAMN BEEHIVE.

( cheering )

YOU COULD WASH AND WAXA LIMO WITH THIS THING.

TWO TREES IN OREGONHAVE GOT TO FALL DOWN

TO MAKE THIS THING HAPPEN.

AND WHAT DO THEY DO WITH IT?

BOOP! AND DOWN IT GOES.

NEXT WEEK YOU'VE GOT DICKTHE PLUMBER THERE.

( deep voice: )UH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY, MR. ALTMAN.

I HAD TO SNEAK DOWNUNDER THE HOUSE THERE.

YOU GOT ABOUT 1,800 POUNDSOF TOILET PAPER.

I SUGGEST SELLING THE HOME.

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