Wednesday, September 28, 2016

  • 09/28/2016

Bruce Campbell, Justin Willman and Nick Swardson list pastimes for space colonists, draw up #NewConstitutionalRights and make scientific discoveries about social media.

Lex Luthor witha hair transplant, Elon Musk,

just unveiled his plansto send human colonists to Mars.

The proposed spaceshipwould hold 100 people,

who, judgingby every sci-fi movie,

would be brilliant scientistsand engineers

who are also super (bleep).

-(laughter)-Musk says the journey

could take as little as 80 days,

unless there's trafficon the 405.

Then they could just takeSepulveda.

But they might as well leaveright now.

They'll arrive just in time tosee Trump set the earth on fire!

So, to pass the time on the wayto the red planet,

Musk has all kinds of funactivities planned,

like movies, zero-G games,

figuring out how to builda fuel refinement plant on Mars

so you don't die alone in space.

All the fun stuff the kids love.

But I'm sure they're still goingto have some hours to fill,

so comedians, how else willthese colonists

pass the time on their wayto Mars?

-Bruce Campbell!-I won the game already.

HARDWICK: No, that's justthe first question.

It doesn't... I don't...You still have to answer.

Oh, this is just other thingsyou can do?

Yeah.

-I'd come up with a cool quotefor when they land. -Yup.

'Cause right now, the best thingthey got is, uh,

"Suck our (bleep), Buzz Aldrin."

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter)

So...

(applause and cheering)

It's a winner.

(applause and cheering swell)

(laughing):Points.

Nick Swardson.

Floating turd volleyball.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, points.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Justin Willman. Yes.

Waiting for the beverage cartto go by so you can finally pee.

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

-Is that Ecstasy?-Yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

This week in 1789, Congresscreated the Bill of Rights.

That's the important documentthat contains

the original12 constitutional amendments,

which guarantee protectionunder the law to every citizen,

no matter how white they wereor what style penis they had.

There would be another 130 yearsbefore anyone

who didn't look likeEnergy Secretary Ernie Moniz

could vote or own anything.

(laughter)

-Is he at Hogwarts?-(laughter)

He's the, uh... he'sthe janitor at Gringotts Bank.

(laughter)

Now, since everything we knowabout politics

has been turned on its headin this crazy election,

maybe it's time to push throughsome new amendments

with tonight's hashtag#NewConstitutionalRights.

Examples might be:The right to fight to party;

or: The right to arm bears.Think about it.

-Oh!-All right, I'm gonna put...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock--

and I just meanbig, hairy gay men--

-(laughter)-uh, I'm gonna put 60 seconds

on the clock, and begin.Justin.

Yeah, the right to pursuemy dream of being a magician

without someone giving me(bleep) for it, Dad.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Nick Swardson.-The right to Bear Grylls.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Nick Swardson.-The right to bare ass.

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

-Justin. -The right to tweetdick pics to Bruce Campbell.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Bruce Campbell.-The right to say no.

(laughter)

-Points. -I'll try another one.Let me try another one.

Uh, yeah, Bruce again.

The right to prohibitthe sale of alcohol...

to Mel Gibson.

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

Oh, that's good.

That's good. Gibson.

-Nick Swardson.-The right to freedom of speech

unless it's in a movie theater.Shut the (bleep) up.

All right, points.

-(laughter, cheering)-Shut the (bleep) up.

-Shut the (bleep)...-Bruce.

-Shut the (bleep) up.-Bruce Campbell.

The right to cheat on my wife.

-Hey... Oh.-Yep, if she wears socks.

(laughter)

Yeah, well, I mean,if she wears socks. Yeah.

Nick Swardson.

The right to vote...

for a new election, right?Shut the (bleep) up.

-Okay. -(laughter)-Shut the (bleep) up.

Shut the (bleep) up.

(applause)

Shut the (bleep) up.

Bruce Campbell.

I want the rightto blow myself...

without my wife giving mea raft of (bleep) about it.

(laughter)

Social Science.Social Science.

Uh, a recent study at theUniversity of California Irvine

says that peoplewho share selfies online

are happierthan those who don't.

It's like Zoloft,except it bothers people.

Uh, researchers foundthat sharing selfies

creates a feeling of personalconnection that relieves stress.

And it's true. Nothing makes mefeel more connected to people

than posting a selfie,and seeing comments--

oh, there it is, my wife and I--

they went to Disneylandover the weekend.

And they got the...they got these animated...

these light-up mouse earsthat animate.

It's really great.People are gonna love this--

I'm sharing my wedded joyat Disneyland.

And then this comment:

"Hardwick isofficially insufferable."

-Aw.-Oh.

Comedians, since academiais setting their sights

on the online community,I would like you to give me

as many other scientificfindings about social media

as you can. In 60 seconds.

And begin. Justin.

Yeah, 60% of Uber driversare the rapper Pitbull.

All right, points. Bruce.

Did you know that Twitteris 71% water?

Yeah, points. Nick.

It turns outthe Twitter egg avatar

is actuallyan unborn racist bird.

All right. Points.Bruce Campbell.

-Did you know that peopleon Tinder -Yeah.

are ten times more likely

to wind up with a strange fingerinside of them?

What?!

Yes, points.

Justin Willman.

Uh, you know, it turns outpeople who maintain

an active Myspace profileare pretty cool guys.

Nick.

It turns outUber drivers are wrong--

farts are not cologne.

Not cologne. Not...

cologne. Not cologne.