Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 12/05/2004

Patton Oswalt applies his searing wit to topics ranging from his alcoholic friends and crying babies to life in Hollywood and the U.S. presidency.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Patton Oswalt: WOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

OH, MAN.

THANK YOU.

OH, MAN.

OH, WOW.

AH...

OKAY.

LET ME--

PLEASE!

PLEASE, LET ME START!

OH, GOD!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

OH!

ALL RIGHT, THAT--

THAT LAST PART YOU GUYS WERE

JUST MOCKING ME, RIGHT?

YOU'RE KIND OF MAKING FUN OF ME

A LITTLE BIT?

THAT'S OKAY.

UM, GOD, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN FOLLOW

THAT.

I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT

RIGHT NOW.

YOU'VE DESTROYED MY SPECIAL.

UM...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I WANT ONE EMAIL THAT

SAYS THAT, "LESBIANS WANNA

SERVICE MY HOG," OR "GUSHING

TEENS WANNA RIDE MY POLE."

AND IT JUST SAYS THAT IN THE

SUBJECT HEADING.

REMEMBER WHEN PORN E-MAILS THAT

LIKE, YOU KNEW INSTANTLY, "OH,

IT'S PORN, YOU CAN JUST DELETE

IT."

NOW, THEY TRY TO LIKE TROJAN

HORSE IT ON YOU AND SNEAK ON YOU

A LITTLE BIT AND GO "HER ARE

THOSE STAMPS YOU ORDERED."

AND YOU GO, "OH, DID I GET DRUNK

AND ORDER STAMPS?"

AND, YOU CLICK ON IT AND ELBOW

DEEP IN ASIAN TEENS.

OH, MY GOD,

WHAT THE...?

YOU SICK BASTARDS.

I CAN SEE MYSELF GETTING DRUNK

AND BUYING STAMPS AND, YOU KNOW.

OH, THE STATE BIRD'S PURCHASED,

BUT NOW I GOTTA--

[LAUGHTER]

WHEE!

HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT

MIDGETS THAT I READ IN

"DISCOVER MAGAZINE".

DON'T DISPUTE ME.

IF YOU HIT A MIDGET ON THE HEAD

WITH A STICK HE TURNS INTO 40

GOLD COINS, DID YOU KNOW THAT?

FORTY GLITTERING GOLD COINS YOU

CAN TAKE TO THE MARKET AND BUY

A FINE FAT GOOSE FOR YOUR GOODLY

WIFE.

ALSO, IF YOU THROW A MIDGET

INTO A TUB OF HOT WATER,

HE MAKES SLEEPYTIME TEA.

OH, ISN'T THAT A BIG TUB

FULL OF CHAMOMILE?

THANKS MR. SCOOPS.

ALSO, IF YOU KICK A MIDGET IN

THE BALLS, HE TURNS INTO EIGHT

SQUIRRELS, AND THEY RUN OFF INTO

THE FOREST.

BUT HERE'S THE THING,

IF YOU LOSE A FIGHT TO A MIDGET,

YOU BECOME ONE, DID YOU KNOW

THAT?

AT THE BEGINNING OF TIME,

THERE WAS ONE MIDGET.

EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "COME ON

DUDE."

NOW LOOK AROUND, THEY'RE

EVERYWHERE.

LET THAT BE A LESSON.

JUST WALK AWAY.

BE THE BIGGER MAN--

LITERALLY--

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE BEING FUNNY AND CLEVER.

SO...

THEY TOLD ME THE MONEY WAS

BURIED UNDER A GIANT "O".

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, SO...

[CLEARING THROAT]

"I WANT A FAMOUS FACE."

THERE WAS A TV SHOW WHERE PEOPLE

WENT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND

SAID, "I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK."

BUT, INSTEAD OF DEVELOPING AN

ORIGINAL PERSONALITY, OR MAYBE

CHARM, OR A STARTLING PRESENCE,

"I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE A HOT

KNIFE TO MY FLESH AND CUT ME

TO MAKE ME TO LOOK LIKE THE

PEOPLE ON THE TV BOX AND THE

MOVING PICTURES."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT SOCIOPATH'S DO.

YOU DON'T GIVE SOCIOPATH'S TV

SHOWS.

THOSE PEOPLE--

AND HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE.

THEY CUT THEMSELVES TO LOOK LIKE

BRAD PITT, OR BRITANY SPEARS--

VERY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE, BUT IF

THAT SHOW HAD EXISTED IN THE

80s, THERE'D BE GUY WALKING

AROUND LOOKING LIKE HALL & OATS

RIGHT NOW GOING, "YEAH, I LOOK

LIKE JOHN OATS FROM HALL & OATS,

I KNOW, IT'S PRETTY GOOD."

"PRETTY GOOD, MAN.

LIFE'S ALL RIGHT.

LIFE'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M ON A [BLEEP] TRAIN,

AND IT'S NEVER DERAILING.

IT'S NEVER DERAILING.

IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE GOOD.

IT'LL ALWAYS BE GOOD."

IT'S AWESOME.

PRETTY GOOD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST IMAGE SOME GUY GETTING

GASSED, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE

STEVE GUTTENBERG."

[NASAL SOUND]

WHEN ARE THEY--

WHAT ARE THEY NOT GOING TO DO A

REALITY SHOW ABOUT?

WHEN IS THERE GONNA BE A THING

WHERE REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS

GO, "YEAH, LET'S NOT BOTHER

FILMING THAT.

LET'S--"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU CAN'T FILM EVERYTHING

AND PUT IT ON TV.

THERE USED TO BE A TIME WHERE

YOU WOULD COME HOME AND REALITY

WAS SO CRAPPY YOU WOULD TURN ON

THE TV TO WATCH STUFF PEOPLE HAD

MADE UP SO THAT YOU COULD ESCAPE

FROM THE CRAPPY REALITY.

NOW YOU GO OUT AND YOU DEAL WITH

DICKHEADS AND MORONS ALL DAY AND

YOU COME HOME AND GO, "I JUST

WANNA GO HOME SO I CAN WATCH

DICKHEADS AND MORONS ON TV.

OH, MY GOD.

WHEN CAN I-- PLEASE."

THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF WE KEEP FILMING ALL THE

REALITY THERE'S GONNA COME DAY

WHEN WE WAKE UP AND ON THE

HORIZON THERE'S GONNA BE THIS

HUGE WALL OF WHITE SILENCE

SLOWLY ROLLING TOWARDS US.

AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO,

"WHAT'S THAT?"

THEY'RE GONNA GO, "THAT'S 4:30

TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

WE FILMED ALL THE--

THERE'S NO REALITY LEFT.

WE FILMED IT ALL.

WE RAN OUT OF REALITY.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE

THE 8th SEASON OF WORLD'S MOST

LISTLESS LOITERERS.

BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW

WHY WE PUT THAT ON EVERY NIGHT."

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO

HIRE HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITERS,

START WRITING PEOPLE'S REALITIES

SO THAT WE DON'T RUN OUT OF IT.

AND THEY'LL GO, "YEAH, MAN GETS

UP.

HAS BREAKFAST.

GOES TO WORK."

BUT THEN THE PRODUCERS COME IN

GOING, "YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE A

GUY EATING BREAKFAST AND GOING

TO WORK.

THERE SHOULD BE A NINJA ATTACK

OR VAMPIRES OR SOMETHING."

AND THEN THAT'S--

WE WILL START LIVING IN A

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER FOR LIFE.

THEY'LL BE JUST LIKE--

EVERY DAY YOU'LL HAVE TO GET UP

AND FOIL A TERRORIST PLOT

OR HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, DEAL WITH

TIME TRAVEL.

AND THEN THE BIG SUMMER

BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES WILL TURN

INTO STUFF LIKE "MAN EATS

CEREAL."

AND LIKE YOU'LL GO TO THAT FOR

ESCAPE.

BUT THEN THERE'LL BE INDY GUYS

GOING, "SEE, THIS HOLLYWOOD

CRAP, THAT'S NOT REALITY.

WHERE'S THE NINJA VAMPIRES, MAN?

ALL THESE BIG SUMMER

BLOCKBUSTERS.

IT'S CRAP!

DO SOME REALITY."

[APPLAUSE]

MY REALITY SUCKS NOW.

I'M 35-YEARS OLD.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE EITHER HAVING

BABIES OR GETTING SOBER.

AND THEY'RE EQUALLY ANNOYING.

THEY'RE EQUALLY ANNOYING.

THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE IN THE--

OKAY PEOPLE THAT ARE GETTING

SOBER-- AND GOD BLESS THEM

THEY'RE GETTING SOBER,

SO I AM TRYING--

THEY ALWAYS GET TO THAT PART OF

THE SOBRIETY--

THE TWELVE STEP WHERE THEY'VE

GOTTA GO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE

THAT THEY WERE EVER MEAN TO.

SO, YOU'RE IN SOME HOT 7-11

PARKING LOT JUST TRYING TO GO

HOME AND SOMEONE YOU BARELY

REMEMBER GETS UP IN YOUR FACE

AND IS LIKE "OH, HEY, PATTON.

YEAH, UM...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR

EIGHT MONTHS NOW, AND SO,

I JUST WANNA APOLOGIZE FOR--

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER

WE WERE AT A PARTY 11 YEARS AGO

AND YOU SAID THAT YOU THOUGHT

SCORSESE WAS A BETTER FILM MAKER

THAN COPPOLLA AND I WENT...

SO, I JUST REALLY WANT TO

APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

THAT WAS WRONG.

BECAUSE, MY DAD NEVER HUGGED ME

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP."

AND THEN YOU GOTTA HEAR THEIR

WHOLE STORY.

AND I GET SO ANGRY WHEN THEY

DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COOL TO

TELL ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR,

THAT I'LL JUST MAKE UP STUFF

THAT THEY DID, AND JUST ASSUME

THEY WERE A BLACKOUT DRUNK AND

THEY YOU KNOW, JUST SHOVE THEM

INTO 20 MORE MEETINGS.

AND LIKE-- AND LIKE, "HEY,

THANKS FOR APOLOGIZING FOR THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN YOU

PISSED ON MY MOM'S FACE AT HER

FUNERAL?

AND HE GOES, "I DON'T--

I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THAT."

OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU WERE

HAMMERED, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"OH, GOD."

AND, THEY GOTTA GO TO LIKE 50

MEETINGS IN A WEEK, YOU KNOW.

MY MOM'S STILL ALIVE.

TEE HEE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND, THEN BABIES--

PEOPLE COME UP TO ME--

PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY JUST TO

WALK UP TO ME HOLDING A BABY--

LIKE THAT'S COOL.

"LOOK AT THIS A LITTLE BABY.

AND A BABY, IF YOU REALLY

BREAK IT DOWN LOGICALLY,

IT IS A TINY HUMAN BEING AND

IT'S SHIRTLESS, WHICH IS REALLY

CREEPY.

IT'S A SHIRTLESS, BALD HUMAN

BEING WITH A BAG OF ITS OWN CRAP

AROUND ITS WAIST.

HOW HORRIFYING IS THAT?

TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A

SECOND.

A PERSON LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU WERE LIKE WALKING ON

THE STREET AND SOME HOMELESS

GUY RAN UP WITH A BAG OF CRAP,

"HEY, WOOO."

YOU'D GO LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL'S

WRONG WITH THAT GUY?"

AND YOU'D RUN AWAY FROM HIM.

BUT A BABY IS A BAG OF CRAP THAT

CAN MAKE NOISE AND GRAB STUFF,

AND RUIN MOVIES ON TOP OF BEING

A BAG OF CRAP.

AND EVERYONE IS "OH, THAT'S

WONDERFUL."

"THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU HAD A BABY."

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE ME THAT

HAVE LEARNED HOW TO CONTROL

THEY'RE DRINKING AND ARE NOT

POLLUTING THE PLANET WITH KIDS?

DON'T I GET SOMETHING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYONE LIKE--

ALL THESE PEOPLE.

"HEY, I DECIDED TO GET SOBER."

OH, MY GOD, LET'S GIVE YOU A

PARADE.

"HEY, I SQUIRTED OUT A BABY."

LET'S BURN YOUR NAME ON THE

SURFACE OF THE MOON.

"HEY, I LEARNED HOW TO STOP AT

TWO SCOTCHES AND I DON'T HAVE

ANY MINIATURE VERSIONS OF MYSELF

RUINING THE PLANT."

NAH, WHATEVER.

WHAT?

I'M TEN TIMES BETTER THAN BOTH

THOSE GUYS.

[LAUGHTER]

Patton Oswalt: AND NOW I LIVE--

I NOW LIVE IN BURBANK,

CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS THE PERFECT

CENTER OF BOREDOM IN THE

UNIVERSE.

AND I ESCAPED THE SUBURBS.

I GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS OF

NORTHERN VIRGINIA AND I GOT AS

FAR AWAY AS I POSSIBLY COULD

ONLY TO END UP IN BURBANK?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

BECAUSE I WAS GROWING UP IN MY

20s I HAD THIS HUGE HARD-ON FOR

SKETCHY NEIGHBORHOODS, MAN.

THE MORE DANGEROUS THE

NEIGHBORHOOD, THAT'S WHERE

I WANTED TO LIVE.

BECAUSE I WAS LIVING MY FLABBY,

MAN-BOOBED FANTASY OF BEING A

DANGEROUS WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS

TYPE.

BUT REALLY, YOU KNOW, LIVING

THAT FANTASY BEHIND FIVE LOCKS

AND OFF-STREET PARKING, FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DID LIVE IN REALLY WEIRD

NEIGHBORHOODS.

AND I USED TO LIVE IN THIS

REALLY SKETCHY APARTMENT

BUILDING ON NORMANDY AVENUE

IN HOLLYWOOD.

CHOKED WITH FREAKS.

THAT'S MY WHOLE APARTMENT

BUILDING, NOTHING BUT FREAKS.

AND WHEN I RENEWED MY LEASE

LIKE MONTH TO MONTH A COUPLE

YEARS AGO THE LANDLORD SENT ME

A LITTLE XEROX SAYING,

"THANKS FOR STAYING ON THE

WINNING TEAM AT OUR APARTMENT

BUILDING.

AND I WAS LIKE, "IS THAT THE

WINNING TEAM THAT INCLUDES

THE BOLIVIAN WOMAN WITH NIGHT

TERRORS WHO LIVES BELOW ME WHO

WAKES ME UP AT FOUR AM EVERY--

'EL DIABLO!'

AND ALSO THE CREEPY GAY GUY

IN JUST BICYCLE SHORTS WHO JUST

RIDES THE ELEVATOR ALL DAY.

SMELLS LIKE SOUP MIX.

LIKE "HEY, ARE YOU'RE WORKING

YOUR OBLIQUES THERE, HUH?"

OH, GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I GUESS IF WE CRAP OUT IN IRAQ,

THEY CAN JUST SEND IN TEAM

CRAPPY APARTMENT.

JUST GET THEM IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I LIVE IN BURBANK.

WHEN I GOT TO BURBANK, STILL

I HAD MY SKETCHY HEAD ON

THINKING, "OH, THERE'S GOTTA

BE SOME DARK, STICKY JAMES

ELROY PAST TO BURBANK,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE EVERYTHING

ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD IS BASED ON

FAILURE AND MURDER AND HORROR."

LIKE HOLLYWOOD WAS NAMED FOR A

GIRL NAMED HOLLY WHO WAS HIT

WITH A PIECE OF WOOD AND THEN

RAPED.

YOU'RE LITTLE, "OH, MY GOD!"

LIKE IT'S JUST AWFUL.

SO I GET TO BURBANK AND THEY

GAVE ME A LITTLE PAMPHLET.

"HISTORY OF BURBANK."

I'M LIKE, OH, MAYBE BURBANK IS

SPANISH FOR GHOST PIG.

OR THERE WAS SOME KIND OF

MASSACRE.

WHO KNOWS?

HISTORY OF BURBANK.

THE PLAQUE FOR BURBANK WAS FILED

ON MAY 1st, 1887.

BY DAVE BURBANK!

A DENTIST FROM THE EAST COAST

WHO GOT A WILD HAIR UP HIS ASS

ONE DAY AND SAID, "I'M GONNA

GO WEST AND FORM A TOWN."

AND, INDEED, HE DID.

END OF STORY!

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

WHAT?

THE WHOLE--

[APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING ELSE--

EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE GLANTON'S RAIDERS RODE IN

AND SLAUGHTERED AN INDIAN

VILLAGE AND CUT THE CHIEFTAIN'S

HEAD OFF AND PUT IT ON A STAKE

WITH HIS BALLS HANGING OUT OF

HIS MOUTH.

AND SHERMAN OAKS!

YOU'RE LIKE EVERY OTHER TOWN

THAT'S HOW THEY WERE FORMED.

AND BURBANK IS ALL ABOUT,

"HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I FORM A

TOWN HERE?"

"SURE, GO AHEAD."

THE END.

BURBANK, A HISTORY OF THINGS

WORKING OUT FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

ALTHOUGH THE ONE CREEPY THING

ABOUT THE SUBURBS WHEN I USED

TO LIVE IN MY SKETCH

NEIGHBORHOODS IN APARTMENTS,

HALLOWEEN MEANT THAT YOU PUT A

LITTLE CUTOUT JACK 'O LANTERN,

OR A CUTOUT BLACK CAT ON YOUR

DOOR.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN KIDS--

WHEE, YOU KNOW?

THE SUBURBS MEANS DECORATE YOUR

FRONT LAWN WITH THE MOST

GRAPHIC, BLOODY, HORRIFYING

DISPLAYS OF MURDER AND GORE

THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLE CONJURE.

EVERYONE'S FRONT LAWN IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD, THERE'S GUYS,

THEY HANG LIKE A FAKE BODY

FROM THE TREE.

NOT LIKE A GHOST OR A WITCH,

A DEAD BODY JUST TWIRLING IN

THE MIDDAY SUN.

WHEE!

HEY, ISN'T THIS A HOLIDAY FOR

KIDS?

THE GUY HAS LIKE THE--

PUTS THE STIPPLING WHERE THE

BLOOD BRUISES AND THE--

IT'S LIKE A CSI AT EVERY

FRONT LAWN.

WHAT [BLEEP] JOB IS HE NOT

GETTING IN THAT HOUSE,

OR HE'S GOTTA BE OUT FRONT

"I GOTTA SHOW HER THE NECK BONE

SNAPPED AND QUICK DANCE."

[LAUGHTER]]

LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN AND

THE WOLFMAN ENTERED INTO A

SUICIDE PACT WITH EACH OTHER.

ONLY WOLFMAN HAD THE SPINE

TO SEE IT THROUGH AND THAT'S A

FANTAIL PATTERN OF THE BRAINS

CAME OUT AS A 450 CASSOOL--

MOST POWER HANDGUN AND

FRANKENSTEIN'S GOT A REMORSE

AND HE'S [BLEEP] OFF ON THE

CORPSE, FOLKS, AND THAT'S WHAT

HAPPENS IN THOSE MURDER/SUICIDE

PACTS.

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.

IT'S SAD.

THAT'S A SAD END.

WHO WANTS A MINI THREE

MUSKETEERS?

[LAUGHTER]

OOH.

Patton Oswalt: I'M KIND OF

IN BETWEEN WORLDS RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE I WAS SO AGAINST THE

WAR.

AND I SO HATE GEORGE BUSH AND

YET, AT THE SOME TIME,

THAT'S NOT-- PEOPLE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT--

NO, NO WAIT...

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

I LOVE HOW I'M ACTING LIKE I'M

SO BALLSY SAYING THAT "I DON'T

CARE WHO I PISS OFF IN THIS

ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I E-MAILED,

BUT...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HATE THE WAR.

HATE GEORGE BUSH.

I ALSO HATE HIPPIES.

I'M A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY.

I HATE HIPPIES.

I HATE THEM.

THERE ARE TWO GENERATIONS OF

PEOPLE THAT NEED TO DIE OUT.

THESE OLD 50s INDUSTRIAL

MILITARY COMPLEX WAR-MONGERS

NEED TO DIE, AND THE TAMBOURINE

BANGING NO BATHIN' BEARDED

HIPPIES ALL NEED TO DIE.

AND THEN WE NEED CONSERVATIVES

THAT CAN ACCEPT GAYS, AND WE

NEED HIPPIES THAT SHAVE AND

BATH.

WE NEED BOTH OF THOSE AND

THAT'LL MOVE US FORWARD.

PLEASE GOD.

AND HONESTLY, THEY WILL SAY,

"WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAR

HAPPENED."

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN SOONER WITH ALL

YOUR SYMBOLIC PROTESTS.

NO WONDER THE WAR HAPPENED.

SEND AN EMAIL, DO A MARCH.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEND AN EMAIL.

THAT'S JUST HOW BIG BROTHER

TRAPS YOU.

"HERE'S HOW WE'LL STOP THE WAR.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE WORLD'S

BIGGEST FINGER PAINTING AND

THAT'LL BLOW PEOPLE'S MINDS."

NO IT WON'T, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

"I KNOW HOW WE CAN STOP THE WAR.

WE'RE GONNA KNIT THE WORLD'S

SMALLEST PAIR OF HEMP PANTS

AND PUT 'EM ON A MOUSE, AND HIDE

THE MOUSE IN THE CUPBOARD."

"BUT, WHICH CUPBOARD IS IT IN,

MAN?

PEOPLE WILL BE SO BUSY THINKING

ABOUT THAT, THEY WON'T HAVE TIME

TO GO TO WAR."

OH GOD, YOU'RE IDIOTS.

[APPLAUSE]

OH!

IT'S LIKE THE SAME THING--

I SEND MONEY TO NPR.

I SUPPORT THEM.

I SUPPORT THEM PHILOSOPHICALLY,

BUT IT'S UNLISTENABLE RADIO.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I SEND THEM MONEY SO I DON'T

HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM.

WHEN DID CONSERVATIVES STEAL

ROCK 'N ROLL FROM US?

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

ALL THE AM STATIONS--

NOTHING BUT RACIST, FASCIST,

DOUCHBAGS-- ALL THEIR

BREAK MUSIC IS THIS BLASTY-ASS

GUT-BUCKET ROCK 'N ROLL.

BILL O'REILLY WILL PLAY THE

WHITE STRIPS FOR GOD'S SAKES.

THEN YOU TURN OVER TO NPR AND

THEIR BREAK MUSIC IS A SAD,

LONELY SAXOPHONE ECHOING THROUGH

A SEWER PIPE SOMEWHERE.

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

[LAUGHTER]

SO, YOU TURN AND LIKE "NEXT ON

BILL O'REILLY, WHITE/BLACK

PEOPLE SMELL DIFFERENT."

[SOLO BASS GUITAR PLAYING]

"LATER ON NPR WE'LL TALK TO A

WOMAN WHO MAKES MACRAMEé BELTS

OUT OF OLD TYPEWRITER RIBBONS."

[WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA,]

[WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA]

[APPLAUSE]

PLAY SOME ZEPPELIN, FOR GOD'S

SAKES.

"IT'S OUR PLEDGE DRIVE HERE ON

NPR, AND WE HAVE A 20 MINUTE

FIELD RECORDING OF A ATUME

LUCKU, WHICH IS A BOSNIAN

INSTRUMENT, WHICH CAN ONLY BE

PLAYED WHEN YOU HAVE A PIERCED

SCROTUM AND THREE KIDS WHO HAVE

BEEN KILLED BY A LAND MINE."

[GARBLED MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

"THE TIBETAN PRACTICE OF

SCREAM SINGING RIGHTFULLY

DIED OUT IN THE 4th CENTURY BC,

BUT TWO BERKLEY TRUST FUND

STUDENTS HAVE REVIVED IT

AND HERE'S A 40 MINUTE SAMPLE."

[AH, AH, AHHHHHH!]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Patton Oswalt: I WAS--

YOU KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

80s METAL, TOO?

I MEAN, LIKE CRAZY DRAGONS AND

DEMONS AND LOST--

I MEAN, VH1 CLASSICS DOES

A SHOW CALLED METAL MANIA,

AND I WATCHED--

THEY HAD A WHOLE WEEKEND,

ALL 80s METAL VIDEOS FOR TWO

STRAIGHT DAYS.

I WATCHED ALL TWO DAYS OF IT,

AND I LEARNED SOMETHING

WATCHING TWO DAYS OF 80s METAL.

IF YOU WERE INTO METAL IN THE

80s, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE GAY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU ARE GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE VIDEOS ARE GAYER THAN

EIGHT GUYS [BLEEP] NINE GUYS.

THAT IS HOW GAY THOSE VIDEOS

ARE.

THEY'RE THAT GAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

EVERY SINGLE VIDEO HAS A BUNCH

OF SHIRTLESS SWEATY GUYS,

OR WORSE YET, LIKE A VEST AND

NO SHIRT-- HELLO!

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ROCKIN' OUT IN A FACTORY

THAT APPARENTLY JUST MAKES

SPARKS, THEY JUST MAKE SPARKS

ALL DAY.

AND THERE JUST LIKE ROCKIN'

OUT AND RUBBIN' BARE SHOULDER

BLADES AND...

[STRUMMING SOLO BASS GUITAR].

AND THEN THEY'LL CUT TO A BUNCH

OF HOT WOMEN MILES AWAY FROM THE

BAND IN ANOTHER TIME ZONE IN AN

AUTO WRECKING YARD OR A

DUDE RANCH GOING, "YEAH.

MAYBE I'LL GET THE GUYS IN

SKRITTY PALLITY TO BONE 'CAUSE

I'M NOT GONNA GET ANY [BLEEP]

FROM THE GUYS IN JACKAL WITH A

"Y!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, UM...

BUT THE ONE RECURRING MOTIF IN

THESE VIDEOS THAT I WISH WOULD

COME BACK, WERE THE BANDS THAT

COULD ROCK SO HARD THEY COULD

CHANGE THE PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

OF THINGS.

YOU KNOW, THEY WOULD BLOW HOLES

THROUGH WALLS, OR THEY'D WALK

UP TO YOUR CRAPPY GEO AND GO,

"SCRIBBLY, FLABBLY DO," AND

ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S A SLEEK

LAMBORGHINI LIKE, "HEY, WHEW,

THANKS NIGHT RANGER."

THAT NEEDS TO COME BACK,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THERE'S GOT TO BE...

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THERE'S GOTTA BE LIKE A BAND NOW

LIKE "QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE"

OR "SYSTEM OF THE DAMNED"

THAT DOES A VIDEO GOING, "HEY,

THAT CHEESE SANDWICH ISN'T

GRILLED--

SCRIBBLY, FRABBILY DO!"

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S LIKE,

"HOT, MELTED CHEESE, HEY WOW,

YOU ARMENIAN GENIUSES".

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THAT CONCEPT JUMPED THE

SHARK IN THE LATE 80s WHERE

THERE WAS A SUPER GROUP CALLED

"DAMN YANKEES."

REMEMBER THAT?

"DAMN YANKEES".

THEY HAD A GUY FROM "NIGHT

RANGER".

THEY HAD A GUY FROM "STYX" AND

TED NUGENT FORMED A SUPER GROUP.

AND IN THEIR VIDEO THE POLICE

HAVE CORNERED THEM IN A HOUSE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE DANGEROUS.

[LAUGHTER]

"THERE'S A 47 YEAR-OLD GUY FROM

"NIGHT RANGER" IN THAT BAND.

ARREST 'EM!"

SO...

[LAUGHTER]

THE POLICE ARE JUST SHOOTING

BULLETS AND SHOTGUNS INTO THE

HOUSE FILLING IT WITH LEAD,

BUT TED NUGENT COMES WALKING OUT

WITH HIS GUITAR AND HE'S GOING

"SQUIBBLY, FLABB--"

AND THE BULLS ARE GOING,

PING-- ZANG-- HE'S DEFLECTING

THE BULLETS WITH THE POWER OF

HIS ROCKET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE-- WHERE-- WHERE THE...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

WHERE WERE THE BEVIS & BUTTHEAD

COPYCATS WHEN THAT VIDEO CAME

OUT?

YOU KNOW, JUST BALL ACROSS

THE MID-WEST GUYS GOING,

"YOU START SHOOTING-- READY?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

SQUIBBLY-- PIT-- PIT-- PIT--"

DEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

WE COULD HAVE LOST THE ENTIRE

MULLET HAIRCUT IN ONE WEEKEND--

JUST GONE-- GONE--

WIPED OUT-- YES.

OH, JIFFY LUBE'S HIRING.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M AMAZED I'M STILL FUNNY.

I'M AMAZED I'M STILL FUNNY,BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.

I'M IN LOVE.

I'M IN LOVE.

YES, I AM.

AND THERE'S NOTHING--NOTHING ENDS A COMEDIAN'S

CAREER QUICKER THAN REGULAR SEXAND BEING IN LOVE.

IT'S THE WORST THING ON THEPLANET.

AND IT'S YOUR WORSTENTERTAINMENT DOLLAR.

YOU DON'T WANNA SEE SOME HAPPYCOMEDIAN ON STAGE GOING, "HEY,

FOLKS, BUSH IS A SOCIOPATH.

WE'RE ALL ON THE EDGE OFARMAGEDDON.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ITALL BETTER?

SNUGGLING.

C'MON PEOPLE.

WHO LIKES TO SNUGGLE?

WHEE."

OH, IT'S THE WORST.

YOU EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEONETHEN YOU REALIZE THREE MONTHS

INTO IT THEY'RE A LITTLE,MUFFIN BASKET MADE OUTTA

RAINBOW KISSES?

HELLO, IS THIS ON?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU, MUMMIES?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]THE WORST.

[LAUGHTER]MY GIRLFRIEND IS OBSESSED WITH

LIKE TRUE CRIME AND SERIALKILLERS, TOO.

ALL SHE DOES ALL DAY-- WATCHES FBI FILES, FORENSICS FILES

ON TV.

THE MOST GRAPHIC, DISTURBING,DEPRESSING SHOWS.

I WALK IN THE HOUSE EVERYSINGLE DAY "THE AMOUNT OF SEMEN

FOUND IN THE CHEST CAVITY LEDINVESTIGATORS..."

[LAUGHTER]OH, MY GOD!"

IT'S LIKE "SHHH, IT'S THESEMEN CAVITY KILLER.

I WANNA SEE WHAT'S GOING ON."

[LAUGHTER]SO, LAST YEAR THEY RE-RELEASED

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY-- MAYBE THE GREATEST

MOVIE EVER MADE.

SO--[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH...

SHE SAID, "I'VE NEVER SEEN THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE

UGLY.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YOU'RE INFOR A TREAT."

SO, WE GO TO SEE THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY--

TEN MINUTES INTO IT, SHE WALKEDOUT, 'CAUSE IT WAS TOO VIOLENT.

IT WAS TOO VIOLENT.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY IS NOTHING BUT GUYS DYING

LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE.

THAT'S AS VIOLENT AS--"OH, MY GOD, HE SHOT THAT GUY."

"WHAT?!"AND THEN I GOTTA GO HOME--

"THE NECKLACE WAS MADE OFVAGINAS AND THAT LED--"

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

Patton Oswalt: SO, THIS IS SO--

YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW

[BLEEP] COOL THIS IS THAT YOU'RE

COMING OUT, SEEING THIS, 'CAUSE

COMEDY DIED IN THE EARLY 90s,

AND THANK GOD.

IT DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH,

YOU KNOW.

AND IT STARVED ALL THE--

NOT ONLY DID IT STARVE OUT

THE BAD COMEDIANS, IT STARVED

OUT THE--

LIKE THE BAD AUDIENCES ALSO

STOPPED GOING, AND THEN NOW

WHAT'S LEFT ARE LIKE COMEDIANS

THAT REALLY LOVE IT, AND THEN

AUDIENCES THAT REALLY LOVE

IT.

AND THEY'RE LIKE FUN TO PERFORM

FOR AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

BUT THE ONE THING I DO MISS

ABOUT THE COMEDY BOOM IN THE

80s WERE THE OPEN-MIKES.

AND I MEAN, WHEN I SAY, "OPEN

MIKE," I MEAN ANYBODY CAN GO

ON STAGE AND DO WHATEVER THEY

WANT.

THOSE WERE AMAZING BECAUSE

YOU GOT TO SEE THREE THINGS.

YOU GOT TO SEE ONE, PEOPLE

THAT WERE GOING TO BE FUNNY

SOME DAY AND KINDA HAD A VOICE

AND A VISION.

TWO, PEOPLE THAT WERE FUNNY,

BUT WHO CARES.

WHO'S LIKE, "ISN'T AIRLINE FOOD

CRAPPY?

AND, DOGS AND CATS ARE

[BABBLING]."

ALL RIGHT FINE, WHATEVER.

SO, THEN YOU GOT TO SEE THE

THIRD THING, WHICH WERE

LUNATICS, JUST LUNATICS THAT

LIKE "THERE'S A MICROPHONE

ATTACHED TO SPEAKERS AND I CAN

TALK INTO IT?

OH, THE DEMON MONKEYS IN

MY HAIR WILL HAVE THEIR MESSAGE

HEARD."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THOSE GUYS WERE REALLY GOOD

AT GROUNDING YOU, BECAUSE AS YOU

STARTED TO GET GOOD, YOU'D START

TO FOOL YOURSELF AND GET ALL

DELUSIONAL AND EGOTISTICAL LIKE,

"I'M EDGY, MAN.

I'M GONNA BE THE NEXT EDGY

COMEDI--"

AND THEN THESE GUYS WOULD GO

ON STAGE AND GO, "BUDDHA HAS

A GHOST PENIS LIVING IN YOUR

CEREAL."

YOUR LIKE, "WHOA, I'M NOWHERE

NEAR THE EDGE.

THAT GUY BUILT A COTTAGE ON THE

EDGE WHERE HE LIVES YEAR AROUND,

SO--"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS UP IN TORONTO A FEW YEARS

AGO, AND I GOT THERE A DAY EARLY

I DIDN'T HAVE A SHOW THAT NIGHT,

AND THE CLUB SAID, "WELL,

YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOW, BUT IF

YOU WANNA HOST THE OPEN MIKE."

AND, I SAID, "YEAH," AND I

CROSSED MY FINGERS, AND SURE

ENOUGH A COUPLE OF WING NUTS

CAME IN OFF THE STREET.

AND THIS ONE GUY WENT ON STAGE.

IF HE HAD PLANNED TO DO WHAT

HE DID, HE'D BE A GENIUS--

A GENIUS--

ON LIKE THE ANDY KAUFMAN LEVEL

GENIUS.

BUT THE REALITY OF THE

SITUATION WAS HE WAS A HEROIN

ADDICT THAT WOULD START A BIT

AND THEN HE WOULD NOD OFF IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE BIT AND THEN

HE WOULD REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS

FURTHER ALONG IN THE BIT.

SO IT'S LIKE THE MIDDLE PART

WAS GONE AND IF YOU WERE REALLY

WILLING TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW HIS

THREE LINES OF LOGIC, HIS SET

MADE SENSE IN CONTEXT.

THERE WERE JUST BIG CHUNKS

MISSING.

AND THE BIG TRAGEDY OF IT WAS

HE KILLED.

THE AUDIENCE LOVED HIM.

HE ANNIHILATED.

AND ALL I CAN THINK IS HE'S

GONNA SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

JUST GOING, "WHEN DID I SHOOT--

HOW MUCH SHOULD I PUT IN--

AND WHEN DID--"

HE'LL NEVER GET THE RIGHT COMBO,

AND UM...

[LAUGHTER]

AND HIS NAME WAS "DR. PEPPER,"

WHICH I ALSO THOUGHT WAS--

OH, DR. PEPPER?

OKAY.

SO, THIS IS HIS SET VERBATIM

AT THE "YUK YUKS" IN TORONTO.

THIS IS DR. PEPPER DOING HIS

SET, YOU KNOW, OPEN MIKE...

[CLEARING THROAT]

"MAN, IT'S ROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START

OR WHERE TO BEGIN, MAN.

'CAUSE MY ROOMMATE WAS TRYING

TO SELL ME HIS CAR--

SAYS I SHOULD BUY HIS CAR FROM

HIM AND GIVE HIM A $1,000 FOR

IT.

AND I WAS LIKE, 'THE RADIO'S

BUSTED, THE TIRE'S ALL MESSED--

I AIN'T GIVEN YOU A THOUSAND."

HE'S LIKE "YEAH, BUT YOU PUT

A THOUSAND IN THAT, I PUT THE

THING"...

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS DUDE'S OUT TYING HIS DOG

TO A TREE.

I'M OUT THERE TRYING TO EAT

MY BREAKFAST, LEAVE THE DOG OUT

THERE BARKING HIS ASS OFF MAKING

THIS DAMN NOISE, AND I GOTTA

SUPPOSE"...

[LAUGHTER]

"I SAID, 'BITCH, YOU MOVE TO

THE LEFT SIDE OF THE ESCALATOR.

IF YOU'RE GONNA STAND THERE.

I'M TRYING TO MOVE FAST,

YOU JUST STAND THERE LIKE A

STACK OF PANCAKES.

YOU PUT YOUR FAT ASS OVER THERE

AND SHE'S GIVING ME THE BUG EYES

PUT THE BITCH SLIDING SOMETHING

DOWN MY BACK.

I PUT IT..."

[LAUGHTER]

"I SAY, A 1,000?

I'LL GIVE YOU 250 FOR IT, MAN.

THE RADIO'S ALL MESSED UP AND

THE TIRE'S ALL [BLEEP] UP AND

HE'S SAYING, 'WHAT?

C'MON, MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S THERE LIKE, 'YOU KNOW,

HELP A BROTHER OUT'.

AND I'M LIKE, 'MAN, YOU

WOULDN'T GIVE A CRIPPLE CRAB

A CRUTCH--

[BABBLING]'.

[LAUGHTER]

"MAN, IT'S ROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START

OR WHERE TO BEGIN, MAN."

THAT WAS DR. PEPPER.

[APPLAUSE]

Patton Oswalt: JESUS BEATS

SPIDER MAN AT THE MOVIES.

[LAUGHTER]

HE BEAT 'EM.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WENT WHEN

I WAS PLAYING WITH MY ACTION

FIGURES GROWING UP.

SPIDER MAN ALWAYS BEAT JESUS.

AND OF COURSE YOU GUYS KNOW WHY?

JESUS HAS NO WEBBING.

NOW, I--

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT

MEL GIBSON'S MOVIE, OR WHETHER

YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, BUT YOU HAVE

TO RESPECT THE FACT, AND I'M A

STONE COLD ATHEIST AND I STILL--

YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM PROPS

FOR GOING TO EVERY STUDIO.

MEL GIBSON WENT TO EVERY STUDIO

AND SAID, "I WANNA MAKE A MOVIE

ABOUT JESUS."

AND THE STUDIOS WENT, "GREAT.

THIS IS CRAZY CHRISTIAN COUNTRY.

WE'LL MAKE BOAT LOADS OF CASH."

AND MEL WENT, "HANG ON.

I JUST WANT TO DO THE TWO DAYS

WHERE HE GETS THE CRAP KICKED

OUT OF HIM AND THEN GETS NAILED

TO A CROSS.

AND THE STUDIOS WENT,

"OH, REALLY?

IS THAT THE BEST...?

WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE'S WALKING

ON WATER AND MAKING LUNCH FOR

EVERYBODY AND BEING NICE TO

PEOPLE...?

WOULDN'T THAT BE A BETTER,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

I MEAN...

"NOPE-- TWO DAYS--

GET THE CRAP KICKED OUTTA HIM--

NAILED TO A TREE--

END OF MOVIE."

AND THEIR LIKE, "YEAH,

WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THAT,

DUDE, THAT'S A LITTLE CREEPY."

AND HE WENT, "GO SCREW

YOURSELVES."

AND HE SHOT IT HIMSELF, AND NOW

IT'S MAKING MATRIX MONEY.

WOW.

THAT'D BE LIKE IF I PITCHED

LIKE, "I WANNA MAKE THE LIFE OF

EINSTEIN."

THEY GO, "OH, THAT'S A THRILLING

STORY TO-- YES-- DEFINITELY."

"HANG ON.

I JUST WANNA DO THE FOUR HOURS

IN HIS LIFE WHEN HE HAD REALLY

BAD FOOD-POISONING AND HE WAS

JUST ON THE TOILET [BLEEP]

WATER FOR FOUR HOURS.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE."

THEY'RE GOING, "AH...

IS THAT THE BEST...?

REALLY?

WHAT ABOUT THE, YOU KNOW,

PHOTOELECTRIC EFFECT, AND THE

RELATIVITY THEORY AND THE BOMB,

AND ALL THAT?"

"NO, HE EATS A BAD EGG SALAD

SANDWICH AND THEN HE'S JUST ON

THE TOILET HUNCHED OVER,

SWEATING, NOTHING TO READ--

FOUR HOURS, JUST LIQUID WASTE

PURRING BETWEEN HIS SKINNY

SHANKS."

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, WE'RE NOT--

THAT'S AWFUL, PAL.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHOOT THAT.

YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR MIND."

"I'LL SHOOT IT MYSELF!"

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY'RE SCIENCE COLLEGES

WERE THEY'RE BUYING OUT BLOCKS

OF TICKETS.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA GO WATCH

EINSTEIN TAKE A DUMP.

HE WAS A GREAT MAN."

THE HUMAN BODY CAN ONLY CRAP

FOR AN HOUR.

THIS GUY WENT FOUR HOURS.

HE WAS SPECIAL.

THIS GUY WAS SPECIAL.

[LAUGHTER]

"LET'S GO SEE EINSTEIN TAKE

A DUMP, MAN.

LET'S GO SEE THAT AGAIN,

THAT WAS GREAT.

I LOVED IT.

I CRIED, MAN.

IT CHANGED ME.

IT REALLY CHANGED ME, MAN.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LOVE TO DRINK.

I LIKE ALCOHOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN BETTER

THAN DRINKING?

LIQUOR ADS.

LIQUOR ADVERTISING IS THE ONLY

PRODUCT.

THEY JUST KNOW WHO THEY'RE

SELLING TO.

THEY DON'T MAKE ANY--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"HEY, DRUNKY, GET THIS IN YOU

SO YOU'LL BE FUN.

C'MON, GET IT DOWN YOUR THROAT."

YOU DON'T SEE LIKE CHEETOS

GOING, "HEY, MAN BOOBS,

CHEETOS CRACK--

C'MON!

C'MON FATTY, CRACK A BAG."

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY LIQUOR AD IS JUST BASED--

OH, THERE'S BILLBOARDS FOR

ALCOHOL ALL OVER L.A.,

AND IT'S ALL--

THEY LOOK LIKE THE SADDEST

SHORT STORIES YOU'VE EVER READ.

THESE BILLBOARDS--

THERE'S ONE FOR DEWAR'S--

OH, THERE'S A BIG SWEATY GLASS

OF DEWAR'S WITH ICE.

THAT LOOKS GOOD.

BUT THEN THE TAG LINE MAKES YOU

NEVER WANNA DRINK.

"CAUSE THE TAG LINE SAYS,

"DEWAR'S-- AT LEAST ONE THING

WILL GO SMOOTHLY TODAY."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WENT WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE

THAT YOU'RE--

IS THAT HOW YOU THINK IT--

"I HATE MY JOB.

I CAN'T STAND [BLEEP] THAT

HEDGEHOG OF A WIFE ANYMORE,

BUT YOU'RE MY BUDDY, DEWAR'S,

YOU'RE MY PAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA SNEAK YOU INTO THE

MOVIES IN MY TUMMY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE FOR

J&B SCOTCH AND IT SAYS,

"J&B SCOTCH, THE ANTIDOTE FOR

ROAD RAGE."

[LAUGHTER]

FOR WHAT?

"YES, BEFORE YOU GET BEHIND

THE WHEEL OF AN AUTOMOBILE,

MAKE SURE THAT EVERY TISSUE

IN YOUR BODY IS SOAKED IN FINE,

CASKET AGED J&B SCOTCH.

J&B SCOTCH "BEFORE" YOU DRIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN THE TV ADS ARE JUST LIKE

DEPRESSING.

THERE WAS ONE FOR THAT--

REMEMBER THAT MARTINI & ROSSI

OSTISPU-- BLAH--

ANYWAY, THEY HAD A TV AD WHERE

THE CAMERA IS ZIPPING AROUND

THIS PARTY AND EVERYONE'S

BOOGYING AND HAVING A GOOD

TIME-- WHEW-- AND THEY TALK TO

THIS GUY, AND THEY GO, "HEY,

MAN, WHY ARE YOU DRINKING

MARTINI & ROSSI?"

AND THE GUY GOES, "'CAUSE IT'S

TUESDAY."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT A WINO SAYS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HEY, WHY ARE YOU [BLEEP] OFF

IN THE MAILBOX IN FRONT OF THE

CHICK FILET?

"HEY, MAN, I FOUND A $50 BILL

IN A PILE OF DOG CRAP.

I TOOK IT DOWN TO THE LOCAL

TAP AND CAP SAID, 'SET 'EM UP

COUNTRY MUSIC, IT'S PARTY

NIGHT.'"

THEN THEY ZIP OVER TO THIS

HOT CHICK, AND THEY GO, "WHY ARE

YOU DRINKING MARTINI & ROSSI?"

AND SHE GOES, "'CAUSE HE SAID

HE WOULD CALL ME BACK, AND HE

CALLED ME BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE NORMALLY I [BLEEP] ANYTHING

THAT HOOVES INTO MY FIELD OF

VISION.

BUT THIS GUY'S NEW IN TOWN,

DOESN'T KNOW MY REPUTATION AS

THE TOWN [BLEEP] JAR AND HE'S

GONNA TRY TO START A

RELATIONSHIP, AND I'M GONNA TRY

TO BLOT THE MEMORY OF WHEN I

[BLEEP] THAT SOFTBALL TEAM IN

THE ABANDONED HOSPITAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Patton Oswalt: BY THE TIME THEY

AIR THIS THERE'S GONNA BE A NEW

PRESIDENT AND I HAVE A LOT OF--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD ONE

BUT...

OH, I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING--

I DON'T KNOW--

I HAVE A LOT OF DREAD THESE

DAYS.

I'M TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS THING'S

GONNA TURN OUT.

I DON'T WANNA JINX IT.

SO, WON'T I'M GONNA SAY NOW,

AND JUST HANG ON HIPPIES,

I'M BEING IRONIC IS--

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A VERY SICK PART OF ME

THAT WANTS TO VOTE FOR

GEORGE BUSH AND THIS IS WHY,

ALL RIGHT?

HANG ON!

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU INTO MORDOR--

BRING RIGHT BACK TO THE SHIRE--

JUST HANG ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE GEORGE BUSH CAN

BRING ABOUT THE BIBLICAL

APOCALYPSE.

I DON'T MEAN THE ROAD WARRIOR

THERE'S NO GAS APOCALYPSE,

OR THE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER THE

WEATHER'S GONE CRAZY APOCALYPSE.

I MEAN THE REVELATION OF

ST. JOHN-- DEMONS COMING OUT OF

THE OCEAN-- SEVEN HEADED

BEASTS-- ALL THAT STUFF.

BECAUSE, HERE'S THE THING,

I DON'T THINK BUSH WANTS TO BE

PRESIDENT.

I THINK HE WANTS TO BE THE

LAST PRESIDENT-- JUST OUT IN

THE WASTELAND IN A HOCKEY MASK

ALL MUTATED AND MUSCULAR--

"JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE

GASOLINE."

THAT'S KINDA WHO HE WANTS TO BE.

AND IF THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS,

THAT'S HOW I WANNA DIE,

BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.

BECAUSE ONCE THE APOCALYPSE

STARTS, AND YOU GUYS WILL KNOW

THAT IT'S STARTING, BECAUSE...

Audience Member: ZOMBIES--

Patton Oswalt: ZOMBIES,

VERY GOOD.

WHEN THE ZOMBIES COME, IT MEANS

THAT I'M WRONG AND THERE IS A

GOD, AND THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE.

AND IT ALSO MEANS YOU WILL BE

IN THE VIP SECTION OF ETERNITY--

THE VELVET ROPE SECTION OF

FOREVER, BECAUSE YOU'LL HAVE

DIED IN THE APOCALYPSE.

EVERYONE ELSE IN HEAVEN--

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BORING

THEIR STORIES ARE?

"HOW DID YOU DIE, MAN?"

"A BUS ACCIDENT."

"HOW DID YOU DIE, MAN?"

"FIRE ANTS."

THEY'LL GO, "HOW DID YOU DIE?"

AND YOU'LL GO, "HOW DID I DIE,

IN THE MOTHER [BLEEP]

APOCALYPSE."

"IT WAS AWESOME.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.

OH, THESE HOLES OPEN UP IN THE

GROUND AND THESE SKULLS WITH

BAT WINGS CAME OUT AND THEY

GNAWED ON PEOPLE.

AND THEN THESE VOLCANOS ROSE

AND SPEWED MENSTRUAL BLOOD UNDER

THE SKIES AND IT FORMED INTO

AVRIL LEVIGNE'S FACE AND SHE

RECITED THE GOODWILL HUNTING

SCREEN PLAY, AND THE WORDS

TURNED INTO RAZORBLADES AND THEN

YOU SHEERED YOUR FACE OFF

AND GEORGE BUSH WAS PRESIDENT

AND MEDIOCRITY HELD SWAY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioning Services

Reseda, California.