CC Presents: Tig

  • 05/13/2004

I GUESS I'M INTHE RIGHT PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]NEW YORK.

HERE I AM.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]OH, MY GOD.

I ACTUALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,AND I TRAVEL AROUND A LOT.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I COMEBACK HOME, I NOTICE MORE AND

MORE WOMEN ARE GETTING FAKEBOOBS.

MEANWHILE, I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTENREAL ONES YET.

[LAUGHTER]I MEAN, I HAVE BOOBS.

THEY'RE JUST CONCAVE.

[LAUGHTER]SO MUCH SO THEY EVEN KIND OF

STICK OUT OF MY BACK A LITTLEBIT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S HOT.

[LAUGHTER]I--

I'M ORIGINALLY FROM--WAS BORN IN THE BIG APPLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO WAY.

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI.

[LAUGHTER]GET OUTTA HERE.

IT'S VERY UNUSUAL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]YOU DON'T RUN INTO THAT MUCH.

YOU LAUGH, BUT IT'S VERYUNUSUAL.

I--MY WHOLE FAMILY'S STILL DOWN

THERE IN TEXAS, LOUISIANA,MISSISSIPPI.

[SILENCE]THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

[LAUGHTER]I WAS DOWN THERE IN AUGUST

HANGING OUT WITH MY CRAZYREDNECK AUNT SHEILA.

WE WERE SITTING ON HER BACKPORCH, AND SHE PUT HER ARM

AROUND ME, AND SHE WAS LIKE--"TIG, IT'S PRETTY OUTSIDE.

DON'T IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, SHEILA.

IT DOES."

[LAUGHTER]'CAUSE IT DID.

[LAUGHTER]IT REALLY, REALLY HAD.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WENT ON A HARDCORE DRINKINGAND SMOKING BINGE.

AND IT LATEST RIGHT ABOUT NINEMONTHS.

AND THEN, AS SOON AS I WASBORN...

[LAUGHTER]IT WAS LIKE WHEW!

DO NOT GO IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]AFTER I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE

I USED TO COME HOME TO VISIT.

AND MY MOTHER AND I WOULD SIT UP'TIL ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT,

TALKING, AND SHE'D BE HAVING ACOCKTAIL, AND SHE'D SAY, "TIG,

TELL ME SOME MORE STORIES ABOUTWHAT YOU WERE LIKE AS A CHILD."

[LAUGHTER]I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT, ONE MORE.

I THINK IT'S SOMEONE'S BEDTIME."

[LAUGHTER]THIS LAST TIME I WAS VISITING,

SHE WAS LIKE, "TIG, REMEMBERWHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY?"

[LAUGHTER]I WAS LIKE, "VAGUELY."

"BUT KEEP GOING, YOU'VE PEAKEDMY INTEREST."

[LAUGHTER]HERE'S SOMETHING KIND OF WEIRD.

I'VE BEEN BATTLING SIDS MY WHOLELIFE.

[LAUGHTER]BUT I'VE BEEN ONE OF THE UNUSUAL

CASES.

MINE HASN'T BEEN SO SUDDEN.

IT'S STILL FRIGHTENING TO KNOWI COULD GO AT ANY MOMENT.

[LAUGHTER]I WAS ONE OF THOSE KIDS THAT

FINISHED SCHOOL EARLY,BY DROPPING OUT.

[LAUGHTER]THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]AND WHEN I DID DROP OUT,

A TEACHER OF MINE, I REMEMBERHER TELLING ME THAT A FRIEND

OF HERS DROPPED OUT AND ENDED UPA STRIPPER ON DRUGS.

KIND OF INSINUATING THE SAMETHING WAS PROBABLY GONNA HAPPEN

TO ME.

ME.

[LAUGHTER]I DON'T KNOW.

MY LACK OF INTEREST IN ALGEBRAAND AMERICAN HISTORY HARDLY

MAKES ME WANT TO DANCE TOPLESS.

[LAUGHTER]IN FACT, I'VE NEVER EVEN DANCED

WITH MY SHIRT ON.

JUST NOT MUCH OF A DANCER,I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]I'D LIKE TO SEND A MESSAGE OUT

TO THE KIDS AT HOME, ACTUALLY,IF I COULD.

AH...

STAY IN SCHOOL.

DO NOT DROP OUT.

'CAUSE IF YOU DO, THERE'S ACHANCE YOU COULD END UP ON TV

WITH YOUR OWN COMEDY SPECIALMAKIN'--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE AN INDOOR CAT.

AND JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE.

I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE KNOWS

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THE

OUTDOORS.

I THINK SHE THINKS THAT WHEN

I LEAVE FOR THE DAY I'M JUST

STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

THE DOOR FOR 12 HOURS.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST COME BACK INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND WHEN I DO COME BACK IN,

SHE'S ALWAYS STARTLED.

SHE DOES THAT SIDEWAYS CRABWALK

WITH HER HAIR STICKING UP.

I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I OWN YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I BOUGHT YOU AT THE POUND FOR

$36, INCLUDING SHOTS.

I SAVED YOU FROM DEATH.

NOW, GO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK SHE THINKS I'M JUST

LIKE A NEIGHBOR STORING [BLEEP]

AT HER PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

COMING OVER UNANNOUNCED.

SO, IT'S JUST ME AND MY CAT

HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.

WHEN I SAY HOUSE, I MEAN...

A ONE ROOM [BLEEP]HOLE THAT

I CAN HARDLY AFFORD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I MEAN, I GUESS I DO.

IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS,

THOUGH, WHAT I DO.

I FEEL LIKE I JUST TELL JOKES

AND MONEY SHOWS UP.

[LAUGHTER]

BEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK,

I CHECKED MY BALANCE, AND THE

AUTOMATED TELLER WAS LIKE,

"YOU HAVE SEVEN CENTS."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NICE.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE

I'VE HAD A DISPOSABLE INCOME.

[LAUGHTER]

AH.

IT'S WEIRD BEING A COMIC,

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE-- AT MOST,

I WORK AN HOUR A DAY, FIVE DAYS

A WEEK.

AND-- THERE'S-- 23 HOURS

TO KILL.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THERE'S SOMETIMES WHERE

THERE'S WEEKS ON END WHERE

I DON'T WORK AT ALL.

SO, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE STREET

SWEEPING SIGNS, MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

I WOULD HAVE NO MOTIVATION

WHATSOEVER TO GET OUT OF BED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE I AM, EVERY TUESDAY,

AT SIX A.M...

[LAUGHTER]

PASSIVELY-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHTING

MY NEIGHBORS FOR THE SAME SPOT

THAT I KNOW I'LL NEVER GET.

I NEVER DO.

I ALWAYS END UP HAVING TO PARK

IN THE SAME PLACE, LIKE FIVE

BLOCKS AWAY.

NOW, I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT

MOVING DOWN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SEEMS TO MAKE THE MOST SENSE.

AND IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,

WHAT AM I SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,

I JUST WORKED A WEEK IN SOUTH

BEND INDIANA.

I THINK IT'S CLEAR THAT COMEDY

HAS WORKED OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.

NO, I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH

A BACK-UP PLAN, BECAUSE I DON'T

KNOW, I JUST--

I'M COMING UP WITH ALL THESE

TV SHOW IDEAS.

I HAVE ONE THAT'S A REALITY

SHOW, YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THE

REALITY TV CRAZE, I FIGURED I'D

COME UP WITH ONE.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

IT'S CALLED INCEST SURVIVOR:

APPALACHIA.

[LAUGHTER]

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE VERY

POPULAR.

THAT'S REALITY TV.

AND THEN, IF THAT DOESN'T FLY,

I KNOW THE NETWORKS ARE VERY

EXCITED ABOUT INAPPROPRIATELY

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I WAS AT A PARTY, AND THIS

GUY WAS HITTING ON ME.

BUT HE WAS HITTING ON ME WITH

THE MOST BORING QUESTIONS.

ONE OF THEM WAS-- IF YOU COULD

GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,

WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

AND I WAS LIKE, "ANYWHERE?"

AND HE WAS LIKE, "ANYWHERE?"

I WAS LIKE--

"TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"NOW PLEASE, GET OUT OF THE WAY

OF A WOMAN AND HER DREAM."

[LAUGHTER]

I--

AT THAT SAME PARTY, I MET THIS

DOCTOR THAT WAS TELLING ME ABOUT

THAT WHOLE PHENOMENON OF PEOPLE

PUTTING THINGS IN PARTS OF THEIR

BODY FOR PLEASURE.

AND ENDING UP GETTING THEM

STUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

THINGS LIKE LIGHT BULBS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.

BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL THIS

PARTICULAR CONVERSATION THAT IT

DAWNED ON ME.

HOW LONG YOU GOTTA BE TRYING

TO GET THAT OUT OF YOUR ASS

BEFORE YOU GO FOR HELP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GOTTA BE HOURS...

IF NOT DAYS.

LIKE I DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE

JUST LIKE--

[HEAVY SIGH]

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MAN.

LIGHT BULB WON'T COME OUT OF

MY ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHOOT.

MAYBE I'LL GIVE THE NEIGHBORS

A CALL, SEE IF THEY'LL SWING BY.

LIKE, I IMAGINE YOU WANT TO

INVOLVE AS FEW PEOPLE AS

POSSIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

PROBABLY DON'T JUST PICK UP THE

PHONE REAL QUICK AND GO,

"CHRIS, MAN, IT'S JIM.

LISTEN...

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A LIGHT BULB CRAMMED UP

MY ASS.

YES, AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD

RUN ME BY THE ER.

YEAH, WHENEVER IS GOOD FOR YOU.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE

NOW AND WAIT FOR YOU ON MY

HANDS AND KNEES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T DRIVE YOURSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT COMFORTABLY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT'S LIKE YOU GET TO THE ER,

PROBABLY SCRAMBLING FOR STORIES.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO IN AND TELL

THE TRUTH.

EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW, THAT

YOU KNOW, THAT THEY KNOW,

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T JUST TELL THE TRUTH.

PROBABLY LIKE, "OH, GOD.

LET'S SEE.

I WAS SITTING ON THIS LIGHT

BULB.

[LAUGHTER]

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE KIDS LEAVE THINGS OUT ALL

THE TIME.

I'M SURPRISED THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN

ANY SOONER.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, SERIOUSLY, MY ASS IS

AFRAID OF THE DARK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ON MY FLIGHT OUT HEREI WAS FLIPPING THROUGH SKY MALL.

[LAUGHTER]IT'S THAT IN FLIGHT SHOPPING

PUBLICATION.

THEY HAVE A LOT OF REALLY GREATIDEAS, BUT THEY'RE ALL VERY

EXPENSIVE.

LIKE, ONE OF THE THINGS IN THEREIS THIS TOASTER THAT TOASTS

HOT DOGS AND HOT DOG BUNSSPECIFICALLY.

[LAUGHTER]NOW, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE THE KIND

OF PERSON EATING THAT MANYHOT DOGS IN THEIR DIET,

PROBABLY AIN'T GONNA HAVE THATKIND OF CASH TO KICK DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]THEY'RE NOT EVEN ON THAT FLIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]ANOTHER THING IN THERE IS SAFETY

MAN.

AND WHAT HE IS IS THISINFLATABLE MAN THAT PEOPLE BUY

TO PLACE IN THE FRONT WINDOW OFTHEIR HOUSE...

[LAUGHTER]OR PASSENGER SEAT OF THEIR CAR

TO AVOID BEING ATTACKED.

[LAUGHTER]AND I DON'T THINK SOMEONE SEEING

AN INFLATED MAN IN MY CAR...

[LAUGHTER]IS GONNA KEEP THEM FROM

ATTACKING ME.

I THINK WHEN THEY SEE ME CROUCHDOWN, NEXT TO MY CAR IN THE

PARKING LOT, PULLING SAFETY MANFROM THE TOTE BAG THAT HE COMES

IN, AND BLOWING HIM UP TOSIZE...

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S WHEN THE GUY IN THE

BUSHES IS GONNA GO, "YOU KNOWWHAT?

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND LET THISONE GO."

[LAUGHTER]ANYWAY, MY NAME'S TIG.

THANKS A LOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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