Better Off Undead

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 10/06/2010

Randall joins a zombie cult, and Mark performs psychiatric evaluations on his coworkers.

- EVERYONE, THIS IS TIM.

- UH, I THOUGHTHIS NAME MARTIN.

- WE'RE MARTIN.

DO WE ALL LOOK THE SAME TO YOU?

- YES.

- AS THEY SHOULD.

THEY'RE ALLDIRECT DESCENDANTS

OF THE ORIGINALTWO-HEADED WORM CREATURE, MITCH.

WORM CREATURE HISTORYIS LITTERED WITH EXAMPLES

OF RIGHT HEADSDOMINATING LEFT HEADS,

GOING ALL THE WAY BACK

TO THE GREAT UNPAID BUTLERSCANDAL OF 1912.

IN THE '50s, LEFT HEADSSUFFERED THE INDIGNITY

OF SEPARATE DRINKING FOUNTAINS.

THEN THERE WASTHE DISTURBING TREND

OF RIGHT HEADSPIMPING OUT LEFT HEADS.

- I'M SO GLAD THAT WE WORK,YOU KNOW?

MWAH!

- I KNOWWHAT YOU'RE INSINUATING,

BUT WE DON'T HAVEA PROBLEM.

THAT IS, IF CERTAIN HEADS WANTTO KEEP THEIR LAST TWO TEETH.

- I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

[cloth tears]

- NO!

I CAN'T MAKE IT ON MY OWN.

- WOULD YOU GIVE US A MINUTE,PLEASE?

- ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA

- PLEASE DON'T UPSET HIM.

HE'S NOT A MERCIFUL HEAD.

- YOU NEED TO GET AWAYFROM HIM, TIM.

LISTEN, I'M LATEFOR MY PSYCH EVALUATIONS.

BUT I'M HERE FOR YOU 24-7, MAN.

YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS.

- AT LEAST LEAVE ME THE JUNK.

- OKAY, IT'S TIMEFOR EMPLOYEE PSYCH EVALUATIONS.

LET'S GET STARTED HERE.

ANY EMOTIONAL ISSUES YOU FEEL

MAY IMPACT YOUR ABILITYTO DO YOUR JOB?

- THE ONLY THINGTHAT GETS ME OUT OF BED

IS THE THOUGHTOF ROBBING A BANK.

- WELL, AS LONG AS IT REMAINSA FANTASY.

- IT REALLY BOTHERS ME THATI DON'T HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS.

I JUST GET ALONG BETTERWITH GUYS FOR SOME REASON.

- AGAIN, JUST FOCUSEDON WORK ISSUES HERE.

- I DON'T UNDERSTANDTODAY'S WOMEN.

SURE, MEGAN FOXIS HANDSOME ENOUGH,

BUT I'VE NEVER ONCEHEARD HER MENTION

HER THEORIES ON HOUSEKEEPING.

- YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OFONLINE DATING SITES FOR SENIORS.

- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

SEPTUAGENARIANSHAVE A SEXUAL RESUME

TO PLEASE ME IN THE SACK.

AND BY "SACK,"I MEAN TESTICLES.

I'M VERY PARTICULARABOUT HOW THEY'RE HANDLED.

- I SEE.GOOD TO KNOW.

GRIMES TALKED ABOUT OLD WOMENHANDLING HIS BALLS

- MARK, THERE'S SOMETHINGI NEED TO TELL YOU.

- TIM, I THINK WE NEED TO HAVEA LITTLE TALK.

SORRY.YOU FIRST.

- [screams]I'M GOING INTO LABOR!

- HEY, COME ON,I JUST HAD THE CAB DETAILED.

- OH!SORRY, MARK.

DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.[screams]

YOU WERE SAYING?

- NEVER MIND.

YOU EVER DELIVER A WORM HEAD?

- NO,AND THE METER'S RUNNING, PAL.

- [groaning]

THE NEW HEAD'S COMING, MARK.

- LEONARD.HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- NOBODY SAY A WORD,OR YOU'RE ALL DEAD.

[cell phone rings]HELLO.

- LEONARD,I GOT A LITTLE SITUATION HERE.

TIM HAS GONE INTO LABOR.

[sirens wailing]

- I'VE GOT A BITOF A SITUATION MYSELF.

- ARE YOU ROBBING A BANK?

- [laughs]

MARK, THIS IS NO TIMEFOR CRAZY ACCUSATIONS.

LOOK INTO THE NECK HOLE.

YOU SHOULD SEE A FACE.

- [gurgling]

- THERE'S NO FACE, JUST A CHIN.

- OH, BOY,IT'S COMING IN BREECH.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO PULL THE HEAD OUT.

ZAP!MARK, I GOT TO RUN.

- [screaming]

- [wailing]

- OH!

I'M SO GLAD WE'RE GONNARAISE THIS HEAD TOGETHER.

DON'T EVER LEAVE ME,MARK LILLY.

- [crying]

DADDY.

- JUST DRIVE, OKAY?

- YOU'RE LUCKY I WAS ABLETO PULL SOME STRINGS

TO GET YOU OUT ON BAIL.

- YOU'RE MY FOUR-LEAF CLOVER.

- I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME

YOU'RE DONEOBSESSING ON KRYSTAL.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DOALL NIGHT?

STALKING KRYSTALWAS SUCH A GREAT TIME KILLER.

- I'M SUREYOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

- "PAPER FASTENER."

FOUR LETTERS.

smooch![camera shutter snaps]

UGH.

IT'S LIKE NOTHING I TRYGETS HER OFF MY MIND.

THE INTERNETWILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[keys clacking]

- ARE YOU A ZOMBIEBUT AFRAID TO STALK?

- YES.

- DO YOU KILL YOURSELFWALKING AT A NORMAL PACE

RATHER THAN A COMFORTABLEZOMBIE STAGGER?

- I'VE NEVER NOT DONE THAT.

- HELLO, I'M XAVIER GATES,

AND IF THE ANSWER TO ANYOF THESE QUESTIONS IS YES,

YOU SHOULD SLOWLY COME ON DOWN

TO THE NEW PALTZZOMBIEOLOGY CENTER,

WHERE THE UNDEAD GOTO FEEL ALIVE.

- [groaning]

- WHAT?

RANDALL,WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE KRYSTAL?

- SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO SOLVE

YOUR OWN PROBLEMSFROM NOW ON.

- WHY?WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO THE ZOMBIEOLOGY CENTER.

I'M LEAVING BEHIND EVERYTHINGI'VE EVER KNOWN OR BEEN,

JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME.

- I'M PRETTY SUREI DIDN'T SAY THAT.

- YOUR WORDS CAN'T HURT MEANYMORE, KRYSTAL.

- AT LEAST GIVE ME TIMETO FIND A NEW ROOMMATE.

[door creaks]

- [sobbing]

I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

- YOU AND WORM GUYARE GONNA BE GREAT TOGETHER.

LEONARD, YOU CONVINCED METHAT MY VERY LIFE

DEPENDEDON TURNING INTO KRYSTAL.

- REALLY NOT RINGING A BELL.

- TO FREE RANDALL

FROM LIVING THE REST OF HIS LIFEIN A CULT?

- MARK,IN CASE YOU WEREN'T AWARE,

I HAVE A SERIOUSDRINKING PROBLEM.

- WHATEVER,JUST GET YOUR WAND OUT

AND GET MEOUT OF THIS TUBE TOP.

- OF COURSE.I'M NOTHING IF NOT A PRO.

ABRA RE-DUDE-BRA.

[shimmering tone]

HOCUS ADD-A-PENIS.

HUH.

TELL YOU WHAT.

LET ME SLEEP THE BOOZE OFF

AND GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOTIN THE MORNING.

- [grumbles]

- BOY, I COULD GET LOSTIN THOSE EYES.

- YEAH, THEY WANTED METO EAT SOME DUDE'S BRAIN,

THEN PAY, LIKE, 500 BUCKS,

SO I TOLD THEMTO KISS MY GRITS.

- HUH.

I REALLY WISHI HAD THAT INFORMATION

BEFORE I TURNED INTO A GIRL.

- WELL, IT MIGHT NOTBE A TOTAL LOSS.

YOU COULD MAKE A LONGTIMEFANTASY OF MINE COME TRUE.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- NO MEANS NO, MISTER.

LET'S SEEIF WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS,

AS NON-HOMICIDAL ADULTS,IN THE MORNING.

- [yelling and pounding]

[gasping and panting]

EW!

- WHAT?

WHOA!

I'VE REALLY LET MYSELF GO.

[cell phone rings]

LEONARD, THANK GOD.WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

- I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

BUT FIRST, DID YOU GETTHE GIFT BASKET I SENT

FROM DEAN AND DELUCA?

- I DID NOT.

- OH, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BEDELIVERED BEFORE 9:00.

- JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY.

- WELL, IT TURNS OUTTHE SPELL I USED ON YOU

WAS ACTUALLY A CURSE.

LONG STORY SHORT,YOU WILL DIE OF OLD AGE

BY WEEK'S ENDUNLESS YOU--

[mumbles indistinctly]

- I DIDN'T CATCHTHAT LAST PART.

- YOU HAVE INTERCOURSEWITH A MAN

TO COMPLETION.

- YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WIZARD.

- I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

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