McFarlane, Ant, Mitchell, Ward

  • Season 7, Ep 702
  • 11/28/2003

Bonnie McFarlane is never sure if she's partying, Ant comes out to his mom, Finesse Mitchell describes a bad movie theater experience, and Rusty Ward talks about cremation.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOTTA SAY,

I DIG NEW YORK.

Y'ALL GOT A GREAT CITY HERE,

MAN.

IT'S ONE OF THE BEST CITIES...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EXCEPT--

YOU EVER HAVE A DRIVER WHO DON'T

NOBODY KNOW WHERE THE HELL THEY

GOING?

I'M, LIKE...

OR SPEAK ENGLISH SAY, I'D LIKE

TO GO AROUND THE CORNER,

YOU LIKE TO GO AROUND...

[LAUGHTER]

DAMN IT, MAN, I'LL WALK.

DAMN, MAN, I AIN'T GOING THROUGH

ALL THIS.

AND NEW YORK IS DIFFERENT FROM

LOS ANGELES 'CAUSE IN L.A.,

RICH PEOPLE LIVE WITH

RICH PEOPLE, AND POOR PEOPLE

LIVE WITH POOR PEOPLE.

IN NEW YORK, THAT'S FROM

BUILDING TO BUILDING.

LIKE, I ASKED MY FRIEND, MAN,

WHAT'S A GOOD BUILDING?

HE SAID A GOOD BUILDING YOU GOT

A DOORMAN; A BAD BUILDING

JUST GOT A MAN IN THE DOOR.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH THAT

GUY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO SEE A BAND PLAY.

AND I FIND IT REALLY INTERESTING

THAT SOMEONE CAN PLAY KEYBOARD

OR GUITAR AND AUTOMATICALLY

BE VERY COOL.

BUT ONCE SOMEBODY STRAPS ON

A KEYBOARD GUITAR, IMMEDIATELY

THEY'RE A JACKASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A FRIEND.

HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE OVERLY

AGGRESSIVE DOGS THAT'S

CONSTANTLY GNAWING AT PEOPLE'S

LIMBS FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

SEEMED TO THINK ARMS ARE JUST

MEATY CHEW TOYS HANGING FROM

PEOPLE'S SHOULDERS.

AND IT'S NEVER THE DOG'S FAULT.

GOD FORBID WE EVER APOLOGIZE

FOR THE DOG.

OH, HE'S JUST TEETHING.

NO, HE'S A 9 YEAR-OLD

ROTTWEILER.

HE'S ATTACKING.

NOW, HAND ME THE CATTLE PROD.

WERE YOU DOING ANYTHING?

I WAS EATING A POTATO CHIP.

YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

DOGS SHOULDN'T ATTACK PEOPLE,

UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE WHO LIKES TO DRESS DOGS

UP IN HUMAN CLOTHING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN I THINK YOUR DOG SHOULD BE

ALLOWED TO KILL YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE THAT ANNOY ME ARE PEOPLE

THAT HAVE THEIR DOCTORATE BUT

GET UPSET WHEN YOU CALL THEM

MISTER INSTEAD OF DOCTOR.

NOW, IF YOU'RE AN M.D.

OR NUCLEAR PHYSICIST I THINK

THAT'S FINE.

BUT SOME PEOPLE NO MATTER

HOW MANY YEARS THEY WENT

TO SCHOOL DON'T DESERVE TO BE

CALLED DOCTOR.

IF YOU HAVE YOUR PH.D.

IN PHYSICAL EDUCATION...

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PAGES YOUR

THESIS ON THE SIT-UP WAS...

YOU'RE A GYM TEACHER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE A MEAL

IN AMERICA CALLED BREAK-FAST?

WHO IS "FASTING" IN THIS

COUNTRY?

WE ARE THE FATTEST NATION

ON THE PLANET.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW WE'RE OBSESSED

WITH FOOD WHEN WE COME UP WITH

SOMETHING CALLED "COTTON CANDY".

WHO IS SO HUNGRY THEY THOUGHT

I WISH I COULD EAT MY CLOTHES?

[LAUGHTER]

I TRY TO EAT HEALTHIER.

I TRIED THE WHOLE VEGETARIAN

THING, BUT IT LASTED A VERY

SHORT TIME.

AND I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT

VEGETARIANS JUST DON'T ENJOY

THEIR FOOD AS MUCH AS MEAT

EATERS DO.

LIKE, YOU ASK A MEAT EATER WHAT

HE HAD FOR DINNER THE NIGHT

BEFORE, HE SAID I HAD A

BIG JUICY STEAK, BARELY FIT ON

THE PLATE.

THEN I WASHED IT DOWN WITH

A FEW BEERS, LAID DOWN, AND TOOK

A NAP.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU ASK A VEGETARIAN,

YOU NEVER HEAR, I HAD A

BRIGHT GREEN STALK OF

BROCCOLI...

BIG AS MY ARM...

THEN I WASHED IT DOWN WITH A FEW

SIPS OF SOYMILK, WENT OUTSIDE

AND BUILT A DAM.

THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT LATELY

ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH,

AND I'M THINKING WHEN I FINALLY

GO, WHEN MY TIME IS UP, I'D LIKE

TO BE CREMATED.

MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE

CREMATED THEY WANT THEIR ASHES

RELEASED OVER THE OCEAN OR MAYBE

THE GRAVE OF A LOVED ONE.

I'D LIKE TO BE SPRINKLED OVER

THE FOOD OF SOMEONE I DON'T

LIKE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'D BE THE ULTIMATE WAY

OF SAYING, "EAT ME".

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB.

Male Audience Member: YEAH!

Bonnie: I GOT A LAP DANCE,

LOVELY WOMAN, BIG CANS.

SHE SMACKED ME ACROSS THE FACE

WITH HER BOOB...

WHICH I GUESS GUYS LIKE.

I FOUND IT HOSTILE.

I WAS, LIKE YOU WANT TO TAKE

THIS OUTSIDE, BITCH?

I GOT PULLED OVER BY THE COPS

THE OTHER DAY.

I DON'T THINK COPS SHOULD WEAR

MIRRORED SUNGLASSES.

THE WHOLE TIME THE GUY WAS

CHEWING ME OUT, ALL I COULD

THINK WAS I SHOULD CUT MY BANGS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT A PARTY RECENTLY,

AND THIS GUY CAME UP TO ME,

AND HE GOES "DO YOU PARTY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I GO YEAH.

HE GOES "DO YOU WANT TO PARTY

RIGHT NOW?"

I GO, I KIND OF THOUGHT I WAS.

SO WE HAD THIS WHOLE CONFUSING

CONVERSATION BACK AND FORTH

UNTIL FINALLY I FIGURED IT OUT,

"DO YOU PARTY" IS CODE LANGUAGE

FOR "DO YOU DO COKE?"

AND I FIGURED THAT OUT 'CAUSE

THE GUY FINALLY WENT "'DO YOU

PARTY' MEANS 'DO YOU DO COKE'."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST

START WITH THAT?

YOU KNOW.

WHAT A DUMB EUPHEMISM.

EVEN IF YOU DO PARTY, YOU GOTTA

GO YOU MEAN DO COKE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG.

DON'T, UGH, IT'S A, COCAINE IS

YUCKY.

I DID IT ONCE.

I WAS AT A PARTY.

I WAS BORED.

I WAS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT,

I'LL DO A LINE.

AND THEN I WAS JUST BORED...

LONGER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T DO ANY KIND OF FORMAL

EXERCISE.

I DON'T GO TO THE GYM OR

ANYTHING.

PEOPLE SAY, BONNIE, HOW DO YOU

STAY SO TRIM?

WELL, ONE, I ALWAYS TAKE THE

STAIRS ALWAYS, TWO,

I'M ANOREXIC.

[LAUGHTER]

MY AGENT TOLD ME TO STOP DOING

THAT JOKE.

I GO, WHY?

HE GOES "YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

A STICK."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN THE SEED

IS PLANTED, RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I JOG ACTUALLY.

I GO AT NIGHT.

A LOT OF WOMEN, THEY DON'T LIKE

TO GO JOGGING ALONE AT NIGHT.

THEY'RE AFRAID THEY MIGHT GET

ACCOSTED.

I GO NAKED.

THAT WAY, IF THERE'S ANY

PERVERTS AROUND, THEY THINK

I'M ALREADY BEING CHASED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I HAVE THIS NEW THING WHERE FROM

NOW ON, I'M ONLY GOING TO DATE

FREAKISHLY GOOD LOOKING MEN,

YEAH, BECAUSE I ENJOY THE

CHALLENGE OF TRYING TO TURN

A GAY GUY.

THAT'S MY THING.

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHY A LOT OF

MY EX-BOYFRIENDS ARE NOW GAY.

I DON'T LIKE TO THINK IT'S

MY FAULT.

IT'S LIKE I'M THE GAY GUY

STARTER KIT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I TRY TO BE FEMININE.

I'M NOT VERY FEMININE.

PROBABLY THE MOST GIRLIE THING

ABOUT ME IS I HAVE A REALLY

LITTLE PENIS.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME PERFORMING

IN NEW YORK CITY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOVE IT.

ALRIGHT, SO TELL ME IF YOU THINK

THIS IS WEIRD, AND I REALLY NEED

YOUR INPUT.

SO I GO IN FOR MY ROUTINE

CHECKUP, RIGHT?

SOON AS I GET IN, HE HAS ME GET

UNDRESSED, NOT A BIG DEAL,

DONE THAT BEFORE.

BUT THEN HE HAS ME PUT MY ARMS

UP LIKE THIS...

TAPS ME ON MY CHEST THERE,

TWICE LISTENS, NOTHING, TAPS ME

ON MY CHEST THERE, LISTENS,

NOTHING.

BEFORE I KNOW IT, HIS HANDS

HAVE MOVED DOWN TO MY GENITALS.

HE'S, LIKE, MASSAGING MY PENIS.

IS THAT WEIRD?

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE GOT TO GET A NEW DENTIST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I GOT TO TELL YOU,

I HAVE A WIFE BACK IN L.A.

THAT IS SO PISSED AT ME...

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, SOME OF YOU ARE LAUGHING

TOO HARD AT THAT...

YEAH, SHE'S SO MAD I'M SLEEPING

WITH HER HUSBAND...

[CHEERS, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA

OWN UP TO IT, DID YOU?

YOU DIDN'T NEED SCOOBY DOO

TO SOLVE THIS MYSTERY.

I KNOW I LOOK BUTCH, THEN I

OPEN MY MOUTH AND THAT PURSE

DROPS OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SO GAY I COULD PUT A LISP

IN THE WORD CRACKER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CRACKERS-TH.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.

SO, I GOTTA TELL YOU, I WAS 16

WHEN I DECIDED TO TELL MY MOM

THAT I WAS GAY, BUT OPRAH'S

ALWAYS ON TV WITH THOSE YOUNG

KIDS THAT WERE BOOTED OUT OF

THEIR HOUSE AFTER THEY CAME OUT

OF THE CLOSET BY THEIR PARENTS,

RIGHT, AND THEY WERE HOMELESS.

AND I THOUGHT OH, MY GOD, AFTER

I TELL THEM, THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

TO ME.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I WAS SUCH A SMART HOMO...

[LAUGHTER]

I PACKED IN ADVANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS,

GOT MY LUGGAGE IN MY HAND.

I WALK INTO THE KITCHEN.

I PUT MY LUGGAGE ON THE FLOOR.

I GO, "MOM, I'M GAY."

SHE GOES "YOU'RE NOT GAY,

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A PHRASE."

SHE'S GREEK, RIGHT.

I GO "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

IT'S A PHASE?"

SHE SAID, "HONEY, GAY MEN HAVE

TASTE.

IF YOU WERE GAY, THAT LUGGAGE

WOULD BE GUCCI."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I GOTTA TELL YOU,

GOTTA TELL YOU,

MY BROTHER HATES GAY PEOPLE,

HATES US.

WE SHOULD TAKE ALL YOU GAYS

AND STICK YOU ON AN ISLAND.

WELL, THEY HAVE, FRANK.

WE CALL IT MANHATTAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, SO BEFORE I WAS

A STAND-UP COMIC, I WAS A

FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I HAD TO GET OUT OF THAT

JOB BECAUSE OF WEIRD THINGS

THAT HAPPENED.

ONE TIME WE HAD A MEMBER

OF THE INDIAN ROYAL FAMILY

FLYING ON BOARD ONE OF OUR JETS.

SHE WAS THIS PRINCESS, RIGHT?

NOW THEY SPENT $62,000 BUYING

EVERY SINGLE FIRST CLASS

CABIN SEAT SO THIS PRINCESS

COULD FLY ALL BY HERSELF

UP IN FIRST-CLASS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE

SO MUCH FUN, THE ENTIRE FLIGHT

SHE WAS, LIKE, THIS TO ME,

[SNAP, SNAP]

JUICE...

[SNAP, SNAP]

COFFEE...

[SNAP, SNAP]

NOW.

I KNOW.

THAT WAS IT.

I SNAPPED.

I WALKED UP TO HER.

I SAID "HI, FIRST OF ALL,

IT TAKES MORE THAN TWO FINGERS

TO MAKE ME COME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

SHE LOOKS AT ME, SHE SAYS

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW IN MY COUNTRY

I'M A PRINCESS.

I ORDER PEOPLE AROUND.

I SAID THAT'S SO COOL 'CAUSE

IN MY COUNTRY I'M A QUEEN.

AND I OUTRANK YOU.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

LISTEN TO THIS, IF YOU KNOW

A SCHOOLTEACHER OUT THERE,

GIVE THEM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

GIVE IT TO THEM NOW,

ALL THE SCHOOLTEACHERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES!

MAN, PEOPLE TAKE A GOOD

EDUCATION FOR GRANTED NOWADAYS,

THEY DO.

'CAUSE I'LL NEVER FORGET THE

TIME I WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE

CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON.

CLAP IF YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE,

IF YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THAT IS THE BEST KARATE

MOVIE EVER.

BUT NOT ONE PROMO FOR THIS MOVIE

MENTIONED THAT THIS MOVIE HAS

SUBTITLES...

WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO READ

THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE IF YOU

WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

AND WHEN THOSE 60 PEOPLE SITTING

IN THE MAGIC JOHNSON THEATER

BACK IN L.A. FOUND OUT THEY HAD

TO READ FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS

Y'ALL KNOW HOW UPSET THEY WERE?

I MEAN, WE WAS UPSET.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

FIRST OF ALL...

THEY WAS READING OUT LOUD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, NOW, COME ON NOW,

I'M FROM GEORGIA AND I DON'T

CLAIM TO KNOW EVERYTHING,

BUT I AM PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU

ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO READ OUT

LOUD IN NO MOVIE THEATER.

IT SOUNDED LIKE A GHETTO KARAOKE

BIBLE STUDY GOING ON IN THERE.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE READING

OUT LOUD WAS USING THEY FINGER.

"THE GREEN DESTINY SWORD DOES

NOT BELONG TO YOU AND...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU MUST..."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I MEAN, JUST PICTURE YOUR WORST

MOVIE THEATER EXPERIENCE,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY WERE

DOING STUFF IN THAT THEATER I

DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN DO

IN A MOVIE THEATER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD HAVE

A BIRTHDAY PARTY INSIDE THE

THEATER.

THEY IN THERE PASSING AROUND

CAKE.

I'M LIKE, UH, CAN YOU DO,

IS THAT RIGHT?

THEY WOULDN'T SHUT UP.

IT WAS A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS

IN FRONT OF ME CHEERING.

YOU KNOW, CHEERING.

I GUESS IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

PARTY, BUT NOT CHEERING, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, OOO, WE WANT THE

MOVIE.

NO, I MEAN, CHEERING LIKE THIS,

CROUCHING TIGER...

HIDDEN DRAGON...

CROUCHING TIGER...

HIDDEN DRAGON...

I SAID MY NAME IS

CROUCHING TIGER...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY UP IN HERE

CROUCHING TIGER

CROUCHING TIGER

HEY, STAKISHA, HEY, GIRL,

CALL ME.

OKAY, OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, GIRL, FOR TAKING ME

TO SEE "CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN

DRAGON" ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I HEARD THIS MOVIE WAS SO GOOD.

I HAVE THE TWO BEST FRIENDS

IN THE WORLD

STAKISHA'S IN THE HOUSE

GIVE ME THAT POPCORN

OH, IT'S COMING ON

OH, IT'S COMING ON

MM-MMM

MM-MMM.

MM-MMM.

MM-MMM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND I MUST SAY, I MUST SAY,

Y'ALL HAVE SOME OF THE BEST

CLUBS IN THE WORLD OUT HERE

IN NEW YORK CITY.

OH, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

LAST NIGHT ON MY LITTLE VISIT

FROM GEORGIA.

YOU KNOW HOW IN THE CLUB,

IN THE DARK PRETTY IS DIFFERENT

FROM OUTSIDE THE CLUB IN THE

LIGHT PRETTY?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I MET ME

A NICE ONE.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE DRIVING BACK

TO MY HOTEL AND I CAN SEE

A LITTLE BIT BETTER NOW BECAUSE

SHE'S SITTING ON THE PASSENGER

SIDE AND THE STREET LIGHTS ARE

SHINING IN ON THE PASSENGER SIDE

HITTING HER IN THE FACE.

AND EVERY TIME THE LIGHT HIT

HER, I'M LOOKING AT HER, LIKE,

OOH...

OH, OH, MY GOD, OH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FINESSE, I THINK THIS IS A MAN,

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WASN'T SURE.

YOU KNOW, SO NOW I'M TRYING

TO LOOK ALL UP UNDER HER NECK

AND CHECK THE ADAM'S APPLE

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY TEACH

BOYS IN FIFTH GRADE.

YOU GOTTA CHECK THEIR NECK.

SO I'M LOOKING OFF,

AND I'M LISTENING TO HER VOICE,

AND I TURN THE RADIO DOWN.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SHE WAS, LIKE

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"YES, I'M FINE.

I'M JUST READY TO GET

TO THE HOTEL."

I'M, LIKE, OH, BUT I DIDN'T

PANIC, NEW YORK, I DIDN'T PANIC.

I GOT SMART ON HER.

I JUST STARTED BLOWING KISSES

AT HER AND WINKING AT HER.

AND I PURPOSELY TOOK MY EYES OFF

THE ROAD AND LET THE CAR DRIFT

ONTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

AND SHE SAID

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"HEY, HEY, HEY,

[LOW-PITCHED VOICE]

WATCH THE ROAD, MAN,

YOU ABOUT TO KILL US.

LET GO.

YOU A DUDE!

YOU A MAN!

OH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, TIME OUT!

OOH!

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY CAR,

YO, PRETTY MAN.

THAT'S MY TIME.

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