McFarlane, Ant, Mitchell, Ward

  • Season 7, Ep 702
  • 11/28/2003

Bonnie McFarlane is never sure if she's partying, Ant comes out to his mom, Finesse Mitchell describes a bad movie theater experience, and Rusty Ward talks about cremation.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOTTA SAY,

I DIG NEW YORK.

Y'ALL GOT A GREAT CITY HERE,

MAN.

IT'S ONE OF THE BEST CITIES...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EXCEPT--

YOU EVER HAVE A DRIVER WHO DON'T

NOBODY KNOW WHERE THE HELL THEY

GOING?

I'M, LIKE...

OR SPEAK ENGLISH SAY, I'D LIKE

TO GO AROUND THE CORNER,

YOU LIKE TO GO AROUND...

[LAUGHTER]

DAMN IT, MAN, I'LL WALK.

DAMN, MAN, I AIN'T GOING THROUGH

ALL THIS.

AND NEW YORK IS DIFFERENT FROM

LOS ANGELES 'CAUSE IN L.A.,

RICH PEOPLE LIVE WITH

RICH PEOPLE, AND POOR PEOPLE

LIVE WITH POOR PEOPLE.

IN NEW YORK, THAT'S FROM

BUILDING TO BUILDING.

LIKE, I ASKED MY FRIEND, MAN,

WHAT'S A GOOD BUILDING?

HE SAID A GOOD BUILDING YOU GOT

A DOORMAN; A BAD BUILDING

JUST GOT A MAN IN THE DOOR.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH THAT

GUY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB.

Male Audience Member: YEAH!

Bonnie: I GOT A LAP DANCE,

LOVELY WOMAN, BIG CANS.

SHE SMACKED ME ACROSS THE FACE

WITH HER BOOB...

WHICH I GUESS GUYS LIKE.

I FOUND IT HOSTILE.

I WAS, LIKE YOU WANT TO TAKE

THIS OUTSIDE, BITCH?

I GOT PULLED OVER BY THE COPS

THE OTHER DAY.

I DON'T THINK COPS SHOULD WEAR

MIRRORED SUNGLASSES.

THE WHOLE TIME THE GUY WAS

CHEWING ME OUT, ALL I COULD

THINK WAS I SHOULD CUT MY BANGS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT A PARTY RECENTLY,

AND THIS GUY CAME UP TO ME,

AND HE GOES "DO YOU PARTY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I GO YEAH.

HE GOES "DO YOU WANT TO PARTY

RIGHT NOW?"

I GO, I KIND OF THOUGHT I WAS.

SO WE HAD THIS WHOLE CONFUSING

CONVERSATION BACK AND FORTH

UNTIL FINALLY I FIGURED IT OUT,

"DO YOU PARTY" IS CODE LANGUAGE

FOR "DO YOU DO COKE?"

AND I FIGURED THAT OUT 'CAUSE

THE GUY FINALLY WENT "'DO YOU

PARTY' MEANS 'DO YOU DO COKE'."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST

START WITH THAT?

YOU KNOW.

WHAT A DUMB EUPHEMISM.

EVEN IF YOU DO PARTY, YOU GOTTA

GO YOU MEAN DO COKE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG.

DON'T, UGH, IT'S A, COCAINE IS

YUCKY.

I DID IT ONCE.

I WAS AT A PARTY.

I WAS BORED.

I WAS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT,

I'LL DO A LINE.

AND THEN I WAS JUST BORED...

LONGER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T DO ANY KIND OF FORMAL

EXERCISE.

I DON'T GO TO THE GYM OR

ANYTHING.

PEOPLE SAY, BONNIE, HOW DO YOU

STAY SO TRIM?

WELL, ONE, I ALWAYS TAKE THE

STAIRS ALWAYS, TWO,

I'M ANOREXIC.

[LAUGHTER]

MY AGENT TOLD ME TO STOP DOING

THAT JOKE.

I GO, WHY?

HE GOES "YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

A STICK."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN THE SEED

IS PLANTED, RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I JOG ACTUALLY.

I GO AT NIGHT.

A LOT OF WOMEN, THEY DON'T LIKE

TO GO JOGGING ALONE AT NIGHT.

THEY'RE AFRAID THEY MIGHT GET

ACCOSTED.

I GO NAKED.

THAT WAY, IF THERE'S ANY

PERVERTS AROUND, THEY THINK

I'M ALREADY BEING CHASED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I HAVE THIS NEW THING WHERE FROM

NOW ON, I'M ONLY GOING TO DATE

FREAKISHLY GOOD LOOKING MEN,

YEAH, BECAUSE I ENJOY THE

CHALLENGE OF TRYING TO TURN

A GAY GUY.

THAT'S MY THING.

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHY A LOT OF

MY EX-BOYFRIENDS ARE NOW GAY.

I DON'T LIKE TO THINK IT'S

MY FAULT.

IT'S LIKE I'M THE GAY GUY

STARTER KIT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I TRY TO BE FEMININE.

I'M NOT VERY FEMININE.

PROBABLY THE MOST GIRLIE THING

ABOUT ME IS I HAVE A REALLY

LITTLE PENIS.

LISTEN TO THIS, IF YOU KNOW

A SCHOOLTEACHER OUT THERE,

GIVE THEM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

GIVE IT TO THEM NOW,

ALL THE SCHOOLTEACHERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES!

MAN, PEOPLE TAKE A GOOD

EDUCATION FOR GRANTED NOWADAYS,

THEY DO.

'CAUSE I'LL NEVER FORGET THE

TIME I WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE

CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON.

CLAP IF YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE,

IF YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THAT IS THE BEST KARATE

MOVIE EVER.

BUT NOT ONE PROMO FOR THIS MOVIE

MENTIONED THAT THIS MOVIE HAS

SUBTITLES...

WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO READ

THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE IF YOU

WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

AND WHEN THOSE 60 PEOPLE SITTING

IN THE MAGIC JOHNSON THEATER

BACK IN L.A. FOUND OUT THEY HAD

TO READ FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS

Y'ALL KNOW HOW UPSET THEY WERE?

I MEAN, WE WAS UPSET.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

FIRST OF ALL...

THEY WAS READING OUT LOUD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, NOW, COME ON NOW,

I'M FROM GEORGIA AND I DON'T

CLAIM TO KNOW EVERYTHING,

BUT I AM PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU

ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO READ OUT

LOUD IN NO MOVIE THEATER.

IT SOUNDED LIKE A GHETTO KARAOKE

BIBLE STUDY GOING ON IN THERE.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE READING

OUT LOUD WAS USING THEY FINGER.

"THE GREEN DESTINY SWORD DOES

NOT BELONG TO YOU AND...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU MUST..."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I MEAN, JUST PICTURE YOUR WORST

MOVIE THEATER EXPERIENCE,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY WERE

DOING STUFF IN THAT THEATER I

DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN DO

IN A MOVIE THEATER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD HAVE

A BIRTHDAY PARTY INSIDE THE

THEATER.

THEY IN THERE PASSING AROUND

CAKE.

I'M LIKE, UH, CAN YOU DO,

IS THAT RIGHT?

THEY WOULDN'T SHUT UP.

IT WAS A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS

IN FRONT OF ME CHEERING.

YOU KNOW, CHEERING.

I GUESS IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

PARTY, BUT NOT CHEERING, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, OOO, WE WANT THE

MOVIE.

NO, I MEAN, CHEERING LIKE THIS,

CROUCHING TIGER...

HIDDEN DRAGON...

CROUCHING TIGER...

HIDDEN DRAGON...

I SAID MY NAME IS

CROUCHING TIGER...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY UP IN HERE

CROUCHING TIGER

CROUCHING TIGER

HEY, STAKISHA, HEY, GIRL,

CALL ME.

OKAY, OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, GIRL, FOR TAKING ME

TO SEE "CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN

DRAGON" ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I HEARD THIS MOVIE WAS SO GOOD.

I HAVE THE TWO BEST FRIENDS

IN THE WORLD

STAKISHA'S IN THE HOUSE

GIVE ME THAT POPCORN

OH, IT'S COMING ON

OH, IT'S COMING ON

MM-MMM

MM-MMM.

MM-MMM.

MM-MMM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND I MUST SAY, I MUST SAY,

Y'ALL HAVE SOME OF THE BEST

CLUBS IN THE WORLD OUT HERE

IN NEW YORK CITY.

OH, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

LAST NIGHT ON MY LITTLE VISIT

FROM GEORGIA.

YOU KNOW HOW IN THE CLUB,

IN THE DARK PRETTY IS DIFFERENT

FROM OUTSIDE THE CLUB IN THE

LIGHT PRETTY?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I MET ME

A NICE ONE.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE DRIVING BACK

TO MY HOTEL AND I CAN SEE

A LITTLE BIT BETTER NOW BECAUSE

SHE'S SITTING ON THE PASSENGER

SIDE AND THE STREET LIGHTS ARE

SHINING IN ON THE PASSENGER SIDE

HITTING HER IN THE FACE.

AND EVERY TIME THE LIGHT HIT

HER, I'M LOOKING AT HER, LIKE,

OOH...

OH, OH, MY GOD, OH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FINESSE, I THINK THIS IS A MAN,

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WASN'T SURE.

YOU KNOW, SO NOW I'M TRYING

TO LOOK ALL UP UNDER HER NECK

AND CHECK THE ADAM'S APPLE

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY TEACH

BOYS IN FIFTH GRADE.

YOU GOTTA CHECK THEIR NECK.

SO I'M LOOKING OFF,

AND I'M LISTENING TO HER VOICE,

AND I TURN THE RADIO DOWN.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SHE WAS, LIKE

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"YES, I'M FINE.

I'M JUST READY TO GET

TO THE HOTEL."

I'M, LIKE, OH, BUT I DIDN'T

PANIC, NEW YORK, I DIDN'T PANIC.

I GOT SMART ON HER.

I JUST STARTED BLOWING KISSES

AT HER AND WINKING AT HER.

AND I PURPOSELY TOOK MY EYES OFF

THE ROAD AND LET THE CAR DRIFT

ONTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

AND SHE SAID

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"HEY, HEY, HEY,

[LOW-PITCHED VOICE]

WATCH THE ROAD, MAN,

YOU ABOUT TO KILL US.

LET GO.

YOU A DUDE!

YOU A MAN!

OH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, TIME OUT!

OOH!

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY CAR,

YO, PRETTY MAN.

THAT'S MY TIME.