Los Angeles

  • Season 3, Ep 9
  • 10/27/2015

The LAPD is formed to stop the city from devolving into chaos, Rin Tin Tin becomes a global superstar, and William Mulholland figures out how to bring water to Los Angeles.

- Hello, I'm Jeremy Konner.

And today we're goingto talk about--

- [laughs]



That's hello.

You want to say hello.

- I'm so [bleep] up, man.

- No, I see.

You're looking at me over here,

and I'm over here.

- You're the goddamndirector of this.

- I know.

I'm the goddamn director of this.

So far, my favorite quote.

Go on.

- Hello, I'm Jeremy Konner.

And today we're goingto be talking

about the L.A. aqueduct.

- Cheers.- Cheers.

- Aqueduct.

- So William Mulholland is the head

of the L.A. city water company.

And he realizes, like,

We need to figure something out,

because L.A. is growing.

And either L.A. has to stop growing

or we have to figure out more...water.

Mulholland goes to Fred Eaton.

I mean, he's just the most powerful man.

And he's like, Hey, you're my best friend.

You're my mentor.

We're [bleep]-ed.

Eaton is like,

There is a place

that I used to go when I was a kid.

It's a [bleep]-ing, like, 200 miles away.

I know.

It sounds nuts.

But shut the [bleep] up.

It's gonna save all of our problems.

Mulholland's like...

I'm interested, but I'm not...

like, 100% on your page, but I--

I'm on your page.

- But he's on a page.

- But he's on the page.

So they go up to the Owens Valley,

and Eaton is like,

This lake is 4,000 feet above sea level.

Los Angeles,

just a couple feet above sea level.

Mulholland's like,

Oh, my God, it's all downhill.

Broop, all the way to L.A., 250 miles.

Broop, all the way to L.A.

You just [bleep]-ing build a pipe,

broop,and you get to L.A.

But Eaton says,

We're gonna have to break some laws.

We're gonna have to do some shady, shady...

Can we watch "My Cousin Vinny"?

- No, you were talking.

- You don't want to watch"My Cousin Vinny"?

- Let's just continueon the story.

- Oh, I was saying that--



So Eaton starts buying up

all of the Owens Valley, illegally,

because they need the water rights.

And they get the L.A. Times to publish fake stories,

like, "We're all gonna die.

Guys, if we don't have water, we're all gonna die."

And it's all nonsense.

It's all fake.

There's spies, there's bribery,

there's manipulation.

I mean, these guys were the worst--

worse than anyone.

But the most [bleep]-ed upthing is,

Eaton, he sneaks off to his buddies.

This is the San Fernando Syndicate.

And he's like,

There's this big ah--

big-ass basin in the San Fernando Valley

that just [bleep]-ing is just chilling out here.

Buy up land in the San Fernando Valley.

And then, when the water comes,

we're all gonna make gazillions.

"Chinatown," man.

And eventually,

the people of L.A. vote to create the aqueduct.

This is a [bleep]-ing pipe

in 1904, five, six, seven, whatever,

250 miles long.

On the opening, William Mulholland

turns on the water, and he's like,

There it is.

Take it.

And the water starts [bleep]-ing shooting out.

And that is the great moment of William Mulholland's...



- Oh, Jesus.

- This is so stupid.


- [groaning]


- Hi, Jer.

What year are we in?

- I don't know.- Yes, you do.

After 1913,

water is coming to L.A. like nobody's business.

The population is [bleep] exploding.

There's palm trees.

Palm trees don't exist in Los Angeles.

It's a desert.

But the people who profitmost out of this

is Eaton and his buddies.

Then, in the 1920s,

there's a drought,and it's a real drought.

It's a [bleep]-ing for real,

for real, for real, for real.

And Mulholland says,

Oh, my God, like, this is--

We need a reservoir.

Mulholland goes to Eaton.

Eaton has bought up the only dam site

in the entire Owens Valley.

And he's like,

You can have my dam site for $1 million.

And Mulholland's like...

[distant moaning sound]


I didn't do that.

So Mulholland's like, [bleep] it.

I'm gonna build the goddamn reservoir,

and it's gonna be [bleep]-ing beautiful,

and, m'wah, [bleep] you.

And he [bleep]-ing built the St. Francis Dam

in San Francis-- Francisquito.

And everything is great.

And then they go,

Hey, William Mulholland, there's a leak.

And William Mulholland's like,

I'm kind of in the middle of a power play.

I ain't worried about that [bleep] [bleep], dawg.

He goes to sleep.

That night,

he gets a phone call in the night.

The dam has broke.

There are more dead than the San Francisco earthquake.

And this was William Mulholland's downfall.

But in the end,

between Mulholland and Eaton,they were--

they created Los Angeles,

but really Mulholland,

if it weren't for him,

there would be no Los Angeles.

- Cheers.

- L.A. is a [bleep]-ingnonsense of nonsenses.

And it's the water.

I am so [bleep]-ed up.

- So you're gonna--

I want to make youan L.A. drink.

- It's just lettuce.

- This is gonna make you[bleep] your brains out.

[blender whirring]

- It's like somethingyou see in "Double Dare."

- To Los Angeles.

You've got the most adorableHitler mustache.

Hulk Hitler.

Okay, Derek.

- Hello, Seth.

- What if I drankall of this at once?

- You know whatthe Terminator said:

"We make our future."


- It was so much.


I'm Seth Weitberg,and today we're going to talk

about the creation of the LAPD.

In 1847, the leader of the Mexican forces, Andres Pico,

signs the treaty that give California to America.

And the Wild West is Los Angeles.

You've got Californios that have been here forever.

You've got Utah Indians.

You've got Germans.

You've got French.

You've got Jews.

But there's no police force.

And one of the guys that shows up is Benjamin Hayes.

He's a lawyer, and he's like,

Hey, guys, don't sweat it.

I know American law.

Like, I can help you out, okay.

And he becomes the first ever judge of Los Angeles.

And he's like, I hope we have a good jail.

And someone's like,

Actually, it's just a single room with a log

with four chains attached to it.

And he's like, Oh, no...


So Judge Hayes is like,

Guys, we need a [bleep] police force.

Why don't we all give a little bit of money,

we'll hire a police force,

and we can be in control of them and tell them what to do.

And the people of Los Angeles are like, Law enforcement?

That's a stupid idea.

You stupid [bleep] 35-year-old.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Where did all this booze go?

- [laughing]

- I drank it all.

Okay, so there's a party.

Andres Pico is there.

He's like, I love your party.

These ranches.

Cool times, great oldies.

And these gamblers [bleep] hear, and they're like,

Uh, did we get invited to that fiesta?

No, no-no-n-n-n-no.

Well, you want to go?


Should we bring anything?

I mean, it's nice to bring something.

And they show upwith a cannon!

[dramatic music]

And they're like.

Why didn't you guys invite us?

It's a common...

[slowly] courtesy.

Andres Pico decides,in that moment,

[bleep] the law, [bleep] Benjamin Hayes,

[bleep] the court system,

[bleep] California, [bleep] America.

You're stupid as [bleep]

for bringing a cannon.

And I have a pistol, and I'm gonna kill you.


Hayes is like, No-no-no-no- no-no-no-no-no-no!

And everyone else is like,

Oh, my God.

They don't thinkthat's a bad idea.

Instead they think,

That's a good idea.

And Andres Pico's like, [bleep] right.

Let's form a commi-- a vigilance committee.

And he forms a vig--he forms this vigilance committee.

And they're like, Hey, let's sit around.

Let's, like, figure out, like, who did a bad thing.

If they did a bad thing,let's get them.

And someone comesin the vigilance committee.

They're like, Hey, there's a couple murderers in the jail

that we--that just escaped.

Pico, like, chases down these two murderers.


[bleep] kills them.

And the L.A. Star, the first newspaper in L.A.,

they're like, Form posses.

This is a great idea.

Get the bad guys.

And everybody's like, Oh, my God!

We should form a posse!

And hanging feverbreaks out in Los Angeles.