CC Presents: Juston McKinney

  • 01/11/2008

IT'S THE WORST.THEY SAY A DIAMOND IS FOREVER.

- APPARENTLY NOT THE ONE I GOT.- [LAUGHTER]

BUT SHE WON'TCOME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.

I GIVE HER CREDIT FOR THAT.SHE'LL JUST DROP LITTLE HINTS.

SHE'LL BE-- "YOU SHOULD SEEKIM'S NEW 2.5 CARET RING.

"IT'S GORGEOUS.

KIM GOT A NEW 2.5 CARET RING.IT'S GORGEOUS."

SHE KEEPS UP, I'M GONNASTART DOING THAT TO HER.

"WELL, YOU SHOULD SEE KYLE'SNEW 22.5 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND...

[LAUGHTER, OH'S,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- SHE'S GORGEOUS."- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE ALL WANT AN UPGRADE, HONEY.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR.

NO, LADIES. I KID.I THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A R--

I WENT DOWN TO THE STORE.I LOOKED INTO THE UPGRADE.

BUT I DON'T TRUST THOSEDIAMOND DEALERS,

THOSE JEWELERS.THEY KNOW THAT US GUYS

KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHATWE'RE LOOKING AT IN THAT CASE.

THEY KNOW.THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US.I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

I GO TO THE JEWELRY STOREAND I'M LOOKING IN THIS CASE

AND I'M LIKE, "HOW MUCHIS THIS ONE RIGHT HERE?"HE GOES, "THAT'S $5,000."

I GO, "HOW BIG IS IT?" HE GOES,"THAT'S ONE CARET." I'M LIKE,

"WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE DOWN HERE?"HE GOES, "THAT'S $15,000." I GO,

"HOW BIG IS THAT?""THAT'S ALSO A CARET.

BUT IT'S A MUCH BETTER DIAMOND."

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, IT LOOKSIDENTICAL TO ME." HE'S LIKE,

"OH, NO. IT'S NOT IDENTICAL.HERE. LOOK THROUGH THIS."

RIGHT? AND THEY GIVE YOU THATLITTLE JEWELER'S LOOP, RIGHT,

THAT MAGNIFYING GLASS.HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU SEE THAT

LITTLE IMPERFECTIONIN THE LOWER LEFT?"

"NO. I DON'T SEE $10,000FLOATIN' AROUND IN THERE,

"ASS FACE,I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I SEE A GUY TRYING TO SCREW ME."OH, YEAH. THERE IT IS.

I SEE A DICK IN A TIE.AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DID GET THE ULTIMATUM.I DESERVED IT, THOUGH.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, GUYS,IF YOU WANNA BE WITH A WOMAN

WITH-- A LONG TIME,AND YOU DON'T HAVE A KID,

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?YOU'LL BECOME HER KID.

YEAH. SOME OF YOU,IT'S PROBABLY ALREADY HAPPENIN'.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOES FROMWIFE/HUSBAND TO PARENT/CHILD.

EVERY TIMEWE GO GROCERY SHOPPING NOW,

IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS,IT ALWAYS ENDS UP LIKE THIS:

"NO, JUSTON. PUT IT BACK."YOU DON'T NEED IT. PUT IT BACK.

"WHAT DID I SAY?WHAT DID I-- ONE...

TWO-- DO I HAVETO GET TO THREE?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME.IT'S EMBARRASSING.

FEEL LIKE JUSTGETTING OUT OF THE CART ANDRUNNING OUT OF THE STORE.

- I'M A GROWN MAN.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I NEVERBABYSAT MY WHOLE LIFE UNTIL2 MONTHS AGO, NEVER ONCE.

AND I DON'T KNOW IFANY OF YOU EVER BABYSAT.

I HAD TO BABY-SIT MYONE AND-A-HALF YEAR OLD NEPHEW.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW CALLS ME UP.SHE'S LIKE, "WILL YOU WATCH

"LITTLE BABY BRYCE FOR 4 HOURS?IT'LL BE REAL EASY.

I'LL BRING OVER A LIST OFINSTRUCTIONS AND HIS EPPY PEN."

[GROANING]

OH, SOME OF YOU KNOWWHAT AN EPPY PEN IS. YEAH.

IT'S A NEEDLE.HE MIGHT GO INTO SHOCK.

I GOTTA GIVE HIMA SHOT IN THE LEG.

SO, I GOTTA GO FROMAFRAID OF NEEDLES TO EMTIN FIVE FRICKIN' SECONDS.

HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

YOU'RE BETTER OFF HAVING AHEROINE ADDICT WATCH THIS KID.

AT LEAST THEY KNOWHOW TO USE A NEEDLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I LOVE THAT WORD BABY-SIT.I LOVE THE "SIT" PART.

AS IF SITTING IS INVOLVED.THIS LITTLE [BLEEP] DIDN'T SIT

- FOR 4 HOURS.- [LAUGHTER]

HE WALKED AROUND TOUCHINGEVERYTHING: DRAWERS, CUPBOARDS.

MY LEGS ARE BURNING AT HOUR TWO.

HE DOESN'T EVEN STOPTO POOP HIS DIAPER.

HE DOES IT MID STRIDE.IT HITS ME IN THE FACE.

JUST AS I'M TAKING IN A BREATH.I'M LIKE, "OH, MAN!"

I'M LIKE, "IS THIS KIDALLERGIC TO SLEEPING PILLS?

'CAUSE HE'S GONNA GO DOWN NOW.THIS BABY NEEDS-- NAP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND GET THIS. MY SISTER-IN-LAWCALLS ME LATER THAT NIGHT.

SHE'S LIKE "YOU SHOULD SEE BABYBRYCE. HE'S SO SOUND ASLEEP."

YEAH, NO KIDDING.HE RAN A MARATHON TODAY.

I'D BE SLEEPING GOOD TOO,IF I RAN 25 MILES BAREFOOTWITH A LOAD IN MY PANTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M EXCITED.BUT WE HAD TO HAVE A KID.

I ACTUALLY SPENT A FEW YEARS ASA SMALL TOWN COP IN RURAL MAINE

- UP IN THE WOODS.- WOO!

- YEAH. DON'T "WOO!"- [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS UP IN THEMIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

I TALK ABOUT GET LOST.I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS.

IT WAS 14 TOWNS,500 SQUARE MILES.

ONE TIME I PULLED THE GUY OVERTO ASK WHERE I WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. I'M LIKE"YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?

YOU KNOW HOW TO GETBACK ON TO ROUTE 111?"

HE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M LOST, TOO.THIS MAPQUEST SUCKS."

"ALL RIGHT.LET'S SET UP A ROADBLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A REALLY GOOD COP,THOUGH, MAN. I WAS.

I TREATED EVERYBODY GOOD.I NEVER DID ANY RACIAL PROFILE.

I NEVER WOULD, YOU KNOW?I HAD A BLACK GUY COME UPTO ME AFTER A SHOW ONCE.

SAID, "YOU REALLY A COP?" "YEAH,I DID IT FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS."

HE'S LIKE "YOU EVERMISTREAT A BLACK MAN WHILE YOUWERE UP THERE WORKING?"

"I NEVER SAW A BLACK MANWHILE I WAS UP THERE WORKING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S UP IN THE WOODS IN MAINE.

I HAD A BETTER CHANCEOF SEEING BIG FOOT...

DRIVING...A SNOWPLOUGH...IN AUGUST...ON A LAKE.

YOU PEOPLE AREREALLY STAYING WITH MEON THAT. THANKS.

YOU GUYS LIKED THAT,HUH? ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST MAKING STUFF UPAT THE END.

I'M LIKE-- BIG FOOT.I'M WITH HIM.

- I'LL GO ALONG.- [APPLAUSE]

I WAS. UP IN THEMIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

THE WOODS, MAN--IT WAS LIKE--

AND HERE'S THE THING.I HAD TO QUIT, MAN.

IT WAS DANGEROUS.AND I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING,

"HOW DANGEROUS COULDTHAT HAVE BEEN UP INTHE WOODS IN MAINE?"

WELL, IT WAS DANGEROUS.YOU KNOW WHY? DEER.

EVERYBODY HUNTS.EVERYBODY HAS RIFLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT COLORMY UNIFORM WAS? ALL BROWN.

IS THAT SOME KINDOF A SICK JOKE?

WHY DON'T YOU GLUE SOMECOTTON BALLS TO MY ASS,

HAVE ME WALK ALONGTHE TREE LINE.

OH, WHAT COULD GO WRONG HERE?

LET ME TAKE A SIPOUT OF A BROOK. HUH?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M TOO WIMPY TO BE A COP.LOOK AT ME.

THEY GOT PEPPER SPRAY.AS PART OF THE TRAINING,

THEY WANTED METO BE SPRAYED WITH IT.

I'M LIKE,"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL,IF YOU'RE GONNA CARRY IT,

YOU HAVE TO KNOWWHAT IT FEELS LIKE."

I'M LIKE "I CARRY A GUN.I DON'T KNOW WHATTHE HELL THAT FEELS LIKE.

"WHAT'S THE LOGIC BEHIND THAT?YOU TRUST ME WITH BULLETS.

- BUT NOT A SPICE?"- [LAUGHTER]

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

JUST TELL ME WHENI'M JUSTIFIED AND WHEN I'M NOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?I'M GONNA PULL PEOPLE OVER.

"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY I STOPPEDYOU THIS EVENING? [SHHH-SHHHH]

"SO, THIS [BLEEP] WORKS.HAVE A GOOD NIGHT NOW.

- "BUCKLE UP.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW HOWTO GET BACK ONTO ROUTE 111?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED GOOD COPSOUT THERE, MAN.

WE DO, 'CAUSE THERE'SA LOT OF EVIL PEOPLE OUT THERE.

I'LL TELL YOURIGHT NOW, MAN. YOU--

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT GETS MEARE THESE SERIAL KILLERS

OR THESE PEOPLE THATBREAK IN HOMES AND THEY KILL

INNOCENT PEOPLE AND THEYTRY TO GET OFF ALTOGETHER

BY PLEADING INSANITY.DOESN'T THAT DRIVE YOU NUTS?

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEYGETS UP THERE. HE'S LIKE,

"YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENTDOESN'T BELONG IN JAIL.

"HE DIDN'T KNOW WHATHE WAS DOING. HE'S INSANE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.""HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

THEN PUT HIM IN JAILAND TELL HIM IT'S THE SHERATON."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU HAVE A SEATIN OUR NEW WOODEN LAZY BOY.

YEAH, STRAP YOURSELF IN.WATCH A LITTLE FOOTBALL.

NOW, PUT THAT HELMET ON.YOU MIGHT JUMP IN LATER.

WE MIGHT NEED YOU, BIG GUY.

MAKE SURE IT'SGOOD AND TIGHT ON THERE.

WE HAVE TO PROTECTOURSELVES NOW. WE DO, MAN.

A BABY BOY IS DUE AT THE ENDOF THE MONTH. YEAH. THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE GOES OUT AND SPENDS $30FOR THIS BOOK OF NAMES

TO HELP US COME UPWITH A BABY NAME, OKAY?

I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,THAT'S A WASTE OF MONEY.

"SECOND OF ALL, IT'S LAZY.DON'T WE ALREADY HAVE THAT?

IT'S CALLED THE PHONE BOOK."HOW LAZY ARE WE?

YEAH, WELL, LET ME PICK UPA BOOK OF NUMBERS.

I WANNA COME UP WITH ANEW PIN FOR MY ATM. YEAH.

I KNOW I WANNA A SIX AND A FOUR.BUT, AFTER THAT,

I'M DRAWING A BLANK.SO-- SO, IF WE HAD A BOOK,IT'D REALLY HELP OUT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?HOW LAZY IS THAT?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT NAMEWE'RE GOING WITH? JACK. WHOO!

I'M GLAD WE HADTHE BOOK WITH THAT.

WE NEVER WOULD HAVEPULLED JACK OUT OF OUR ASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, WE'RE GONNA WITHJACK McKINNEY. J-O-C-K.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

- HOPE HE LIKES SPORTS.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M EXCITED.BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST,I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I WAS LOST.AND I NEEDED DIRECTIONS.

SO, I FIGURED I'D PULL OVERAND ASK THIS HITCHHIKER.

BUT I KIND OF FELT LIKE A DICK'CAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A RIDE.

HE'S LIKE "I'M GOING THAT WAY."NOT WITH ME YOU'RE NOT.

I'M SORRY, DUDE.I WATCH TOO MUCH TV.

I GET LOST ALL THE TIME.IS ANYONE ELSE LIKE ME?

AND MAPQUEST DOESN'T HELP.DOESN'T IT SUCK, MAPQUEST?

COULD THAT THINGBE ANYMORE SPECIFIC?

I'M ALMOST TO THE BOTTOMOF THE FIRST PAGE.

I'M NOT EVEN OUTMY FRONT DOOR YET.

IT'S LIKETAKE RIGHT OUT BEDROOM.

GO SOUTH BOUND DOWN HALLWAY.TAKE LEFT THROUGH KITCHEN.

- MERGE ONTO PORCH.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT LIKE12 PAGES OF DIRECTIONS.

IT'S LIKE ESTIMATED TIME:TEN MINUTES.

I'M LIKE, JEEZ.USED UP ALL YOUR INK.

THAT MAPQUEST IS A SCAM.I BET THAT MAPQUEST GUYDOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.

IT'S PROBABLY TWO DUDESBACK THERE SMOKIN' POT.

[Inhales] "DUDE, CHECK IT OUT.

"I'M GONNA HAVE THIS GUYGO AROUND HIS BLOCK FOUR TIMES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HAVE HIM TAKE A LEFT ON A ROADTHAT DOESN'T FRICKIN' EXIST.

- WATCH THIS."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE AND I JUSTBOUGHT OUR FIRST HOUSE.

FIRST THING I WANNA DOIS GET A DOG.

A TRAINED-- YEAH,I WANTED A DOG FOR PROTECTION.

I TOLD MY WIFE"GO TO THE POUND.

WE'LL RESCUE A DOG.A LOT OF DOGSNEED HOMES, RIGHT?"

I SAID, "CALL ME UP IF YOUSEE SOMETHING WE MIGHT LIKE."

SHE CALLS ME UP AND GOES"I FOUND THE CUTEST DOG.

IT'S HALF PUG."YOU KNOW WHAT A LITTLE PUG IS?

SHE GOES, "IT'S HALF PUG,HALF GERMAN SHEPHERD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT? I WAS LIKE, "THAT PUGIS EITHER A VICTIM OR A WHORE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHAT SICK BASTARDSAT BACK AND LET THAT HAPPEN?

- THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.- [LAUGHTER]

THEY SAY, "DOGS CAN'T SEE SIZE.I BET THEY CAN FEEL IT.

THAT PUG WAS PROBABLY LIKE,"OH, BOY. THAT LOOKED LIKE

A COCKER SPANIELFROM ACROSS THE STREET."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UP IN NEW ENGLAND,

THEY JUST GUESS AT THE ROADSIN SMALL TOWN NEW ENGLAND.

I DON'T EVEN THINK THEY TRY.

THIS IS WHEREI'M FROM, ACTUALLY.THIS IS MY MALL.

- ANYBODY FROM NEW ENGLAND HERE?- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

YEAH, PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA.YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE

CAN LIVE LIKE IN THENORTHEAST OR UP IN NEW ENGLAND.

LIKE, "HOW COULD YOU EVER LIVEUP THERE IN THE WINTERTIME?

DOESN'T THAT SUCKWITH ALL THAT SNOW?"

I DON'T MIND THE SNOW.YOU KNOW WHY?BECAUSE I HAVE TRIPLE-A.

AND IF YOU HAVE TRIPLE-A,YOU GOTTA HAVE IT

IF YOU LIVE WHERE IT'S COLD.EVERY WINTER, I CALL TRIPLE-A.

BUT, NOT BECAUSEMY CAR BREAKS DOWN,

NO, BECAUSE THEY GIVE YOUFOUR FREE SERVICE CALLS A YEAR.

AND I JUST SAVE THEMFOR THE REALLY CRAPPY DAYS.

IT'S LIKE A BLIZZARD OUT.GUY SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE.

[Shivering] HE'S LIKE, "HEY,WHAT DO YOU NEED, MAN, A JUMP?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "NOPE. YOU GET YOURASS OUT THERE AND START HER UP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

PUT THE HEAT ON HIGH.WILL YOU, BUDDY? THANKS."

YEAH. THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM,SMALL TOWN NEW ENGLAND.

I DID DESERVE.BUT GET THIS?

ONE OF MY WIFE'S BEST FRIENDSIS THIS GAY GUY LENNY, RIGHT?

LENNY IS TELLIN' HERFOR EIGHT YEARS

THE REASON I'M NOT PROPOSINGIS BECAUSE I'M GAY, OKAY? YEAH.

THIS IS WHY HE THINKS I'M GAY.BECAUSE WHEN I MET MY WIFE,

THEY WERE BOTH TOGETHER.AND HE SWEARSI KEPT CHECKING HIM OUT.

I KEPT LOOKING AT HIM.NOW, I WAS LOOKING AT HIM.

BUT THE REASON WASIS BECAUSE HE HAS A LAZY EYE.

SO, I THOUGHT HE WASLOOKING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME.

SO, I'D BE LOOKING AT HIM.HIS GOOD EYE WOULD LIKE

CATCH ME STARIN' AT HIM.STILL, TO THIS DAY,

HE THINKS I'M GAY. HE SAYS,"YOU'RE SO GAY, JUSTON.

JUST ADMIT IT.YOU'RE GAYER THAN ME."

I'M LIKE, "GAYER THAN YOU?YOUR EYE'S NOT EVEN STRAIGHT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HE THINKS ALL OF THE SUDDEN I'MGONNA COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

HE'S ALWAYS TESTING ME.TWO MONTHS AGO HE CALLS ME UP

AND WANTS TO KNOW IF I WANNAGO OVER TO HIS HOUSE

BECAUSE HE JUST GOTBROKEBACK MOUNTAIN...

- THE VIDEOGAME.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GUESSIT'S ON THE NINTENDO WII.

THAT INTERACTIVE THINGYOU GOTTA...

PUT LIKE A SAFETY STRAP ON.I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S NOT A WII.

"THAT'S A-- WHOA,I DON'T THINK SO, BUDDY.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BIG GUY.I'LL PASS."

I DON'T CAREHOW GOOD THE GRAPHICS ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.THANK YOU SO MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

MY DAD'S A CHARACTER, MAN.MY DAD HITCHHIKES EVERYWHERE.

CALLS IT IS HOBBY.YEAH. THE COURT CALLS IT HIS

SUSPENDED LICENSEFOR DRUNK DRIVING.

I CAN'T BELIEVEPEOPLE PICK HIM UP.

I DON'T EVEN PICK HIM UP.HE GETS PISSED.

HE'S LIKE"YOU WENT RIGHT BY ME."I'M LIKE, "I'M SORRY.

IT'S 60 MILES AN HOUR.YOU LIKE A SERIAL KILLER."I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHO'S HITCHHIKIN'.

IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.YOU SHOULDN'T HITCHHIKE.

IT COULD BE A SERIAL KILLEROUT THERE HITCHHIKIN'.

YOU DON'T WANT TOPICK UP A HITCHHIKER.AND YOU DON'T KNOW

WHO'S DRIVING THE CAR, RIGHT?THEY COULD BE LIKE A RAPIST.

I WONDER IF THOSE TWOHAVE EVER HOOKED UP.

I'D LIKE TO SEE A RAPISTPICK UP A SERIAL KILLER.WOULDN'T THAT BE JUSTICE?

I'D LIKE TO BE A FLYIN THAT BACKSEAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT, THE SERIAL KILLERWOULD BE LIKE...

"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A RIGHTON THAT DIRT ROAD UP AHEAD."

- "I WAS PLANNING ON IT."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"NOW, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.""I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BIG BOY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.I'M GONNA HURT YOU."

"MEOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE SERIAL KILLER HAS TO GOINTO THE POLICE STATION.

-"I'D LIKE TO REPORT A RAPE."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"ALL RIGHT, COULD YOU GIVE USA GOOD DESCRIPTION?"

"YEAH, HE'S IN THIS DUFFEL BAG.IT'S PRETTY ACCURATE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WOW.

NICE. THANK YOU.

WOW. YEAH!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

MAN. I AM-- I AM SO HAPPYTO BE HERE AND I'M SO--

- OW!- YEAH, YOU TOO, DUDE. THANKS.

I'M SO HAPPYAND I'M SO IMPRESSEDTHAT COMEDY CENTRAL,

AFTER GOINGBACK AND FORTH THREE TIMES,

ACTUALLY SPELLED MY NAME RIGHT.THAT IS IT. IT'S JUSTON.

BUT IT'S WITH AN O.IT'S J-U-S-T-O-N. YEAH.

APPARENTLY, MY PARENTSWERE FRICKIN' ILLITERATE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.CAME INTO THIS WORLD AS A TYPO.

WISH THAT WAS MY NAME, ACTUALLY.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A COOL NAME?"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "TYPO."

"REALLY?HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?"

"HOWEVER YOU WANT.KNOCK YOURSELF OUT, BIG GUY."

I THINK PARENTS HAVETOO MUCH CONTROLWHAT THEY CAN NAME US.

THEY CAN NAME USWHATEVER THEY WANT

AND SPELL IT HOWEVER THEY WANT

JUST TO SCREW WITH US.YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME

I'VE HAD TO SPEND IN LINETRYING TO CHANGE DOCUMENTS

TO GET THAT CORRECTEDOR ON THE PHONE ON HOLD?

MY DAD THOUGHT HE WAS FUNNY.HE WAS LIKE

"YOU WERE BORN 'JUST ON TIME.'GET IT? HA-HA-HA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY.IT COULD HAVE BEEN

"JUST IN TIME."IT'S THE SAME STUPID JOKE

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DOALL THIS WORK MY WHOLE LIFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I CAN'T EVEN SAYIT'S JUSTON WITH AN O.

BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE,"J-O-S-T-I-N."

NO ONE KNOWSWHERE THE HELL THE O GOES.

I HAVE TO SPELLTHE WHOLE THING OUT.

I KNOW IT'S ONLY ONE LETTER.BUT THAT'S LIKE HAVING A KID

- NAMED TIM WITH AN O.- [LAUGHTER]

I'D BE LIKE, "SO,IT'S TOM?" "NO, IT'S TIM.

"MY PARENTS ARE REALBALL BUSTERS. YEAH.

"LOOKS LIKE TOM.BUT IT'S TIM.

"THIS IS MYLITTLE BROTHER STEPHEN.IT'S WITH A P-H.

- BUT, IT'S AT THE BEGINNING.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S P-H-S-T-E-V-E-N-N.THERE'S TWO N'S AT THE END.

THE LAST ONE'S CAPITAL.YEAH, I SCREWED THAT UP, TOO."

I WAS MAD MY DAD.I WAS 10 YEARS OLD,

MY REPORT CARD WAS SPELLED WRONGAND MY FRIENDS MADE FUN OF ME.

I CAME HOME CRYIN'.I WAS SO MAD AT MY DAD.

I SAID THE F WORD. AND HE'SLIKE "YOU DO NOT SAY THAT WORD."

I'M LIKE "I SAID IT WITH AN O."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, GET THE [BLEEP]OUT OF MY FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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