Tuesday, August 11, 2015

  • 08/11/2015

Julie Klausner, Bobcat Goldthwait and Jonah Ray brainstorm ways to relieve Alabama's debt, reveal what #MyMemoirWouldBeCalled and invent awful exercise classes.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

NOW, I WAS BORN IN KENTUCKY,GREW UP IN TENNESSEE, AND

DOWN SOUTH THERE'S A SAYING THAT"IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX

IT."

WELL, GUESS WHAT, THE STATE OFALABAMA IS BROKE, AND THEY WANT

YOU TO FIX IT.

TO DEAL WITH THEIR $300 MILLIONSHORTFALL, A LOCAL POLITICIAN

SET UP A GOFUNDME PAGE SOALABAMIANS CAN AVOID THE

CARDINAL SIN OF PAYING TAXES. WE CAN SEE HERE

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR $300MILLION.

$598 SO FAR.

WHICH IS-- THEY'VE ESSENTIALLYCROWDFUNDED THE DOWN PAYMENT ON

A 2004 PONTIAC SUNFIRE.

I THINK THIS IS EVEN A GENEROUSSLIVER OF WHAT THAT IS OUT OF

300 MILLION.

ALABAMA NEEDS OUR HELP TO FIXTHE ROADS IN BOOGER CREEK.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER OUTSIDE-THE-TACKLE-BOX

IDEAS TO HELP ALABAMA RAISE SOMESCRATCH?

JONAH RAY.

>> CLEAT HITCHENS CAN CHARGEFIVE BUCKS TO SEE HIS SISTER'S

GOOD TIT.NOT THAT OTHER ONE, CHRIS.

>> I WANT TO SEE THE SCREWY ONE!

>> NO!

IT'S GOT SPIDER BITES ALL OVERIT!

>> CHRIS: JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> HOW ABOUT START CHARGING YOURSISTER FOR THOSE FREE MUSTACHE

RIDES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

FINALLY.

>> THEY AREN'T FREE NO MORE,SISTER.

>> CHRIS: MUSTACHE RIDES DON'TGROW ON TREES.

>> MAYBE PUSSY WILLOWS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS FOR BOBCAT!

100 POINTS FOR THAT.

THE INTERNET CAN BE A SILLY,FRIVOLOUS PLACE, BUT ONCE IN A

GREAT WHILE A VIDEO COMES ALONGTHAT NOT ONLY ENTERTAINS BUT

ALSO TEACHES US SOMETHING ABOUTTHE HUMAN CONDITION.

I GIVE YOU: "DRUNK FRIEND'SNEVER-ENDING ESCALATOR RIDE."

LOOK OVER HERE FOR COMPARISON.

THAT'S WHAT A WORKING ESCALATORLOOKS LIKE.

( LAUGHTER )YEAH.

AND IT JUST WENT ON AND ON LIKETHAT.

( APPLAUSE )COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

GIVE ME A LINE FROM THISINEBRIATED RHODES SCHOLAR'S

INNER MONOLOGUE. BOBCAT.

>> I GUESS-- I GUESS I'LL JUSTPEE RIGHT HERE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I'M A NONVIOLENT PERSON, IREALLY AM, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN

I'M ON AN ESCALATOR THERE WILLBE AN OLD WOMAN AND-- AND--

>> UH-OH!

>> I THINK I WANT TO HIT HER INTHE HEAD.

AND I NEVER WOULD, BUT I JUST -->> SHE'S JUST BLOCKING THE WAY.

>> NO, JUST-- I JUST WANT TO HITHER IN THE HEAD.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S NOT A VERY WELL-THOUGHT-OUT

CRIME BECAUSE THEN I HAVE TORIDE WITH HER.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: MOVING ON.

IT'S A TOUGH TIME FOR TV NEWS.

JOHN BROWN OF ORLANDO'S LOCALFOX 35 STATION WENT ALL HOWARD

BEALE AND STORMED OFF THE SET INPROTEST OF A STORY HE FELT WAS

WAY BELOW HIS JOURNALISTICINTEGRITY.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> I'M HAVING A GOOD FRIDAY, SOI REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THE

KARDASHIANS TODAY.

YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, AMY.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I HAD ENOUGH KARDASHIANS.

I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE KARDASHIANSTORIES ON THE SHOW.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: THAT'S A DIFFERENT

GUY. LITTLE KNOWN SHOWBIZ FACT:

ALWAYS A SURPLUS OF REPLACEMENTWHITE GUYS WAITING IN THE WINGS.

WE'RE LIKE KLEENEX.

OOPS, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

THIS IS A REAL NEWSMAN WHO ONLYCOVERS THE HARDEST-HITTING

STORIES!

CASE IN POINT: LIKE THISPOWERFUL SEGMENT ON JAZZERCISE.

OR THIS SHOCKING EXPOSE ON THEEASTER EGG INDUSTRY.

AND HERE HE IS EATING DOG FOOD,

WHICH IS PROBABLY A SUBTEX OFTHE DAILY EXISTENCE OF HOSTING A

MORNING NEWS TV SHOW.

SO COMEDIANS, AS THIS FED-UPORLANDO MORNING SHOW HOST, THROW

TO ANOTHER ONE OF JOHN BROWN'SHARD-HITTING NEWS STORIES.

>> I'M JOHN BROWN.

COMING UP, HOW GAY CAN A DOG BE?

WE'LL FIND OUT WHEN WE MEETTERRANCE.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: BOBCAT.

>> COMING UP NEXT, I GET A HOTLEAD ENEMA AND THE CAMERAS COME

WITH ME.

>> POINTS. JONAH RAY DONOVAN.

>> I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEYSAY: YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG

NEW TRICKS.

FROM ORLANDO'S ALL-KILL ANIMALSHELTER.

( BLEEP )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: WHAT-- WHAT A-- WHAT AHORRIBLE PREMISE FOR A BUSINESS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

A GREAT MEMOIR CHRONICLES THEAUTHOR'S LIFE IN THEIR OWN

WORDS, AS IN FRANK MCCOURT'S"ANGELA'S ASHES,"OR DENNIS

RODMAN'S "BAD AS I WANNA BE."

AND TODAY MARKS THE RELEASE OFOUR FRIEND FELICIA DAY'S MEMOIR,

"YOU'RE NEVER WEIRD ON THEINTERNET (ALMOST)".

YOU SHOULD GO BUY THIS BECAUSEFELICIA IS RAD AND IT'S GREAT.

SO IN HER HONOR, OUR HASHTAG IS

#MYMEMOIRWOULDBECALLED.

KIDS, THAT'S A TYPEWRITER.

IT'S LIKE A COMPUTER THAT YOUCAN'T JERK OFF TO.

>> I DOUBT THAT, CHRIS.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

>> SOUNDS LIKE A DARE TO ME.

( LAUGHTER )>> IS THAT THE NEXT CHALLENGE?

>> YEAH, WE'RE READY.

WE'RE ALL READY.

>> AS THE OLDEST GUY--SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

COMIC-CONFESSIONS, OR TALKINGPOINTS!, OR MOSTLY (BLEEP)

UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY,

OR A TOTALLY COULD HAVE(BLEEP)ED YOUR MOM IN THE

90S: THE CHRIS HARDWICK STORY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. JONAH RAY.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK'S FRIEND: THEJONAH RAY STORY.

>> NOTHING'S PERFECT EXCEPT FORMY PERFECT BREASTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBCAT.

>> ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

IT'S ME, THE GUY FROM "POLICEACADEMY."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: I LOVE YOU SO MUCHTHAT YOU REFERENCED THAT.

POINTS.

JULIE.

>> THESE ARE REAL: MY PERFECTBREASTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JULIE.

>> I HAVE PERFECT BREASTS.

WANT TO READ A BOOK ABOUT IT?

>> I'M NOT BALD.

I'M A HAT ENTHUSIAST.

>> EAT, PRAY, LOVE, EAT, JERKOFF, GO TO SLEEP.

>> ZED'S DEAD, BABY, ZED'S DEAD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JONAH RAY.

>> THE WHITE ONE: THE STORY OFKUMAIL NANJIANI'S TALL FRIEND.

>> CHRIS: KUMAIL IS SO GREAT.

JONAH WILL YOU TELL KUMAIL ISAID HI. "SILICON VALLEY"'S SO

GOOD. BOBCAT?

>> I'LL BURN THAT BRIDGE WHEN IGET TO IT?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> A MIDWEST 10.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

PERFECT.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "THUG LIFEOR HUG LIFE?"

>> IF YOU DON'T KNOW "UNEXPECTEDTHUG LIFE"

THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ( BLEEP ).

IT'S A CLASSIC INTERNET MEMETHAT EXPOSED SEEMINGLY INNOCENT

KIDS FOR THE HARD-ASSMOTHERSUCKERS THEY ARE.

THIS IS WHAT THUG LIFE IS ALLABOUT.

>> SAY HELLO TO THE CAMERA.

HELLO MOTHER(BLEEP).

>> I NEVER WANTED TO BE A FATHERUNTIL RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS I'M GOING TOSHOW YOU A STILL OF SOMETHING

ADORABLE AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWANT YOU TO TELL ME IF THEY'RE

CUTE LITTLE THUGS OR CUTE LITTLEHUGS.

THE FIRST ONE, THIS GODDAMNGINGER.

>> I'M GOING TO GO THUG LIFE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

>> EXCUSE MY POTTY MOUTH. SHUTTHE (BLEEP) UP.

>> I HAVE TO GIVE RICHIECUNNINGHAM CREDIT FOR SAYING,

"EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE.

SHUT THE ( BLEEP ) UP!" HE'SVERY POLITE.

>> THAT'S MY GINGE.

>> CHRIS: OH MY GOD, THERE'S TWOOF YA.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THESE ADORABLECHILDREN?

JONAH?

>> HUG LIFE.

>> CHRIS: I THINK YOU MAY BESURPRISED.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> AS SOON AS HE STARTEDMUTTERING, THE BABY SHOULD HAVE

BEEN TAKEN AWAY.

LIKE ANY WOMAN KNOWS AS SOON ASA GUY IS MUTTERING ON THE

SUBWAY, YOU SWITCH CARS.

>> I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.

THAT WAS SO ( BLEEP )ED UP.

>> CHRIS: THEY'RE FINE,PROBABLY.

>> I FEEL BAD FOR THE PARENTTHAT FILMS IT AND JUST GOES,

"THUG LIFE MEME."

>> DON'T WORRY, WE'LL MAKEANOTHER ONE.

>> THAT WAS TAKE FOUR.

>> IT WAS A WHOLE BUCKET OFBABIES THEY WERE GOING THROUGH.

A BUCKET OF BABIES.

NEXT ONE, WHAT ABOUT THIS MATHWHIZ?

THUG LIFE OR HUG LIFE?

JULIE?

>> I'M GOING TO HOPE HUG LIFE.

>> I LOVE HOW PEOPLE ARE TELLINGME I'M, LIKE, TWO-NINE YEARS

OLD.

I'M ELEVEN, SO SHUT THE (BLEEP)UP.

THIS LI'L SELFIE.

THUG LIFE OR HUG LIFE?

>> JONAH?

>> THUG LIFE BECAUSE HE LOOKSLIKE A YOUNG EMINEM.

>> "HEY KIDS, ARE YOU READY FOR"MODERN WARFARE 3"? WELL,

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO PLAYIT, SO GET THE (BLEEP) OFF."

>> HE ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT.

HE ALMOST WENT HUG.

>> I THINK THAT'S HUG LIFE.

>> CHRIS: HE WAS ON THE BORDEROF HUG AND WENT STRAIGHT INTO

THUG.

SHUT THE ( BLEEP ) UP.

WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING SO YOURPARENTS WON'T HEAR

WHEN YOU WILL PUT IT ON THEINTERNET?

THIS ONE MAY SURPRISE YOU.

THUG LIFE OR HUG LIFE?

>> I'LL SAY THUG LIFE BECAUSETHEY'VE ALL BEEN THUG LIFE.

>> WHAT DID YOULEARN IN SCHOOL TODAY?

HE LEARNED NOT TO GO PEE PEE INYOUR PANTS, HUH?

YAYY, GOOD JOB!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT ALPHABET, WHICH IS WHAT

MONEY CALLS GOOGLE NOW.

I ASKED YOU TO PRETEND YOU'REONE OF THESE BORING CORPORATE

TYPES AND TELL YOUR LOVED ONEWHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO TO THEM,

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE-Y. LET'S SEEWHAT YOU WROTE, JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> CHRIS: BOBCAT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

PERFECT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JONAH RAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JONAH RAY.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,

"HEALTH AND (BLEEP)NESS."

IF GROUPON AND FACEBOOK ANDHOUSEWIVES' INSTAGRAM FEEDS ARE

ANY INDICATION, CULTY EXERCISECLASSES HAVE TAKEN OVER THE

INTERNET.

THEY'RE LIKE THE YIN TO BRUNCH'SYANG.

THESE WORKOUTS ALWAYS HAVENEW-AGEY NAMES THAT SOUND LIKE

THEY BELONG IN AN AOL CHAT ROOMFOR SINGLES, LIKE

"CARDIOFAITH57" AND"FLYCYCLECRUNCHMASTER" AND

"BEEF90X."

OH, LOOK, IT'S A GUY-CYCLE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE?

>> I USED TO RIDE THOSE ALL THETIME.

( LAUGHTER )THEY SAY YOU NEVER FORGET BUT

SOMETIMES I FORGET.

>> CHRIS: SO COMEDIANS, I WANTYOU TO COME UP WITH AS MANY

NAMES AS YOU CAN FOR CULTYEXERCISE CLASSES YOU'D NEVER

WANT TO TAKE.

IN 60 SECONDS. BEGIN.JONAH.

>> JESUS DIED ON THE CROSSFIT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBCAT.

>> AMATEUR LAPS TO PROLAPSE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH.

AREOL-AEROBICS.

>> MARATHON WALKING "HOUSE" ONNETFLIX.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBCAT.

>> KETTLE BELL WITH P-DIDDY.

>>CHRIS: POINTS. JONAH RAY.

>> BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT TRAINING.

>> CHRIS: VERY GOOD,JONAH. POINTS.

JULIE.

>> A THING WHERE YOUR HIGHSCHOOL BULLY CHASES YOU AROUND

YOUR HOME TOWN.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

BOBCAT.

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU, JONAH.

>> CHRIS: JONAH.

>> RUNNING FROM BILL COSBY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.