• Season 3, Ep 11
  • 11/10/2015

Alexander Graham Bell and Elisha Gray compete to invent the telephone, a teenager makes the first bra, and Thomas Edison makes a killing by stealing other people's ideas.

- Shh. Are you ready?

- I'm--- Don't!

- Well, I'm--- Shh!

- Am I allowed to answerif I'm ready?

- No, you just shush it.

Hello, everyone.My name is Paget Brewster.

- No, not everyone.- [gasps]

- Just hello.- Hello.

My name is Paget Brewsterand I'm talking to you--

- And today.- Oh, my God.

- [laughs]- You guys ready?

- [laughs]- Are you all done?

Shut your mouth!You ready?

I'll [bleep]ing do it,but shush it.

Hello, eve--[laughs]

- [laughs]

- Hello.My name is Paget Brewster

and today we're talking aboutMary Phelps Jacob,

the inventor of the bra.

In 1910 women were cinched in

to tiny corsets all the time,

but then there is a 19-year-old girl--

Mary Phelps Jacob,

setting up to go to a debutante ball,

and she is like,

Uh, I got thisbeautiful silk dress

and I have to putthis dumb piece of [bleep] on.

Stupid corsetwith whale bone inserts.

Ugh,it's so goddamn dumb.

All right, I'm--I'm--I'm--I'm out. I'm out.

I can't take this.Marie!

Her maid. Marie!

Get me two handkerchiefs,some silk cording,

ribbons, and a sewing kit.

She sews together

two handkerchiefs onto herself

and goes to a ball.

[epic music]

All the girls are like,

What is going onwith you, girl?

You look betterthan you have ever looked.

And she says, Yeah, I just made this [bleep]

out of some handkerchiefs.

The girls go crazy!

And she's like My boobles are free to roam.

And they all say - I want one.

- I want one.- I want one.

- All right, whatever,I'll make you some.

I'll make you my new thing,whatever,

with some handkerchiefs.

Then she gets a letterin the mail

from someone she's never metsaying,

"Hey, I'll give you a dollarto make me a bra."

And then she realizes, Oh, this could be a business.

So she goesto the Patent Office

and she said,Hey, I've made this thing.

It's a brassiere.

The Patent Office guy was like,

Everyone's had boobsfor goddamn forever.

I understand that you thinkyou made something,

but you [bleep]ing didn't.

And she said No, I did.

The last piece of [bleep]patent flattens your tits

into nothing but one boob.Do you want one boob?

And he's like, I don't--I can't even--

I don't even knowif I can answer this.

No, you wanttwo [bleep]ing boobs.

They separate and lift.

Give me the patentfor the backless brassiere.

And he says, Yeah, okay, all right.

I've never seen that.I will give you a patent.

Slam. He gives her a patent.

Oh, God.I'm--

I'm not gonna throw up,but I am--

I'm pretty--

Gonzo bonzo.- [laughs]

- So she opens the Fashion Form Brassiere Company.

Meanwhile, she marries this guy Harry Crosby

and Harry says, Hey, babe,

because you're gonna bemy wife Crosby,

I feel like you should havea "C" name.

And so it's like C. Crosby.

I would really like itif you change your name

to Clitoris.- [laughs]

- It's [bleep]ing true.- [laughs]

- And she says Na--what? No.

I'm not gonnachange my name to Clitoris.

And he's like No, it's with a "Y".

Still, I'm sorry.I love you, man,

honey, but...not even with a "Y"

will I name myselfClitoris.

What about Caresse?

That's better thanClitoris.


He says to her Hey, Caresse--

Car--she's now Caresse.

You're kinda boredwith the bra business

and it's not taking off.

I'm kinda rich.Why don't you just let it go?

She says All right, fine.

She sells her patent

to the Warner Brothers Corset Company

for $1,500.

She's like I'm out. I'm good.

Had fun.

So, wait.I have to fast-forward.

I also have to pee.

- Which one you done do first?

- No, I have to pee.- Okay, well, then pee.

- I'm gonna.- [snickers]

- In 1929 the bra took hold.

Everyone bought bras.

The corset was dead.

The Warner Brothers Corset Company

makes $15 million

off of her patent alone.

- That's a lot of titties.- I-- [laughs]

- [laughs]- Here's the thing about

Mary Phelps Jacob.She never give a [bleep].

She was like Oh, okay.

I sold the patent.

Not gonna dwell on it.

I'm gonna opena publishing company

that publishes every modernwriter known to man.

Hemingway,James Joyce,

Henry Miller,Edgar Allen Poe,

uh--uh--there's so many more.

Someone look it upon an iPhone.

You'll see.- [laughs]

- Then was writing pornography

for money!

And she was great at it.

And at the end of her life,

someone asked her about, like,

Hey, uh,you invented something.

And she said Yeah, yeah.

My invention--it wouldn't take the place

in history of somethinglike the steamboat,

but, yeah...I invented the bra.

The bra is kind ofa big [bleep]ing deal.

No one gives a [bleep]about a steamboat.

Do you know anyonewho doesn't have a bra?

I do love bras.- I can see.

You have lots of--- More than steamboats.

- Sorry, bras.[sneezes]

I'm allergic.- You're allergic?

- I'm allergic to bras.I didn't want to tell you.

[epic music]

both: Stay tunedfor more "Drunk History."

- Bras!- Ow!

- [laughs]

- What are we drinking?

- Vodka.- There's a moth.

- There's so many--- I wasn't swatting at you.

- No, I know,I have a moth infestation.

- I see that.- It's terrible.

[laughs]I got to get a [bleep]ing--

[laughing]- Classic--

- It's the worst![smacks]

There's a--I don't wantto kill him, though.

- Why?- 'Cause they deserve to live.

There happen to bein the cave

of a super-advancedmonkey species

that wants nothing morethan to kill them

just becausethey don't fit in.

To inventors.

Thank God for you.

Let's do this, man.I feel so drunk.


Good day.

My name is Duncan Trussell...

and today we're gonnatalk about Edison.


[cheerful music]

This story starts in New Jersey with Thomas Edison.

One of the great inventors of the time.

Known as"The Wizard of Menlo Park."

He would get poor geniuses, gather them together,

and he's like Just make stuff for me.

If it's good I'm gonna sayit's mine. Whatever.

You're gonna make money,so just do it.

An inventor by the name of Muybridge

came to New Jersey, shows this incredible device.

He managed to take a bunch of pictures

of a horse running and spin them on a cylinder

in a way that gave it animation.

And Edison's like You know, great.

A hor--a horse...running.

[chuckles]Cool invention or whatever. Bye.

And then he's like We gotta [bleep]ing

figure this [bleep] outbecause people are gonna

wanna watch this stuff.

We gotta start workingon this [bleep]...

right [bleep]ing now.

And then in 1893Edison is like

I figured out how to do it,guys!

I can--I can photograph

and make a movie.We can make movies now.

I came up with the very firstcamera, the Kinetograph

and I figured out a wayto look at the strings

of moving pictures--a Kinetoscope,

and it's all my idea.My idea!

He has people--[laughing]

I'm too drunk.

Why would I take another drink?

So Edison needed content for his Kinetoscopes

and everything he was putting out was [bleep].

He's like Let's get[bleep]ing cats boxing, man,

and then vaudeville scenes,people chasing each other.

Let's film a blacksmith's shop.Everyone's gonna wanna see that.

Right, guys?Right? Right!

And they filmed it.

People were into it, man.Freaking out.

Everyone's like Have you beento the Kinetoscope parlor?

Oh, you've got to go.It's incredible!

So people came to Edison, they're like

Hey, look what we can do.

We can project imageson the screen.

He's like Wow. That's amazing.

I can't believeI invented that.

That's incredible.I am so [bleep]ing smart!

Let's patent this [bleep].

Movies take off. People love it.

They went to these places called nickelodeons.

For a nickelyou're in a Greek theatre.

Come on in!

People would sit in those theatres and be like

This is awesome.

So then Edison creates an industry town

and everyone comes to Fort Lee to start making movies

and Edison squeezesall of them.

He was like Join me in what we're gonna call

The Edison Trustand all of you assholes

can join together with meand we're gonna make it so that

no other mother[bleep]ersmake movies except us.

Got it?Write it down in your notebook.

And everyone's like Great, let's do it.

I don't want you to sue me,so I'll just agree

to whatever you saybecause you're super-rich

and I just wanna make art.So, great.

Sounds good.