To Friend a Predator

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 05/25/2011

When the guys try to "To Catch a Predator" a local child molester, he turns out to be the coolest guy ever.

IF YOU DRESS LIKE THAT,YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU LOSERSTRY AN ORGANIZED SPORT FOR ONCE?

HEY, SLOW DOWN!

THIS IS NOT THE FREEWAY.

THIS NEIGHBORHOODIS ON LOCKDOWN.

HOO.

[unzips bag]

HONESTLY.

YEAH, HELLO.

HI, YEAH, I WANNA REPORTA ROBBERY IN PROGRESS RIGHT NOW.

WHO AM I?

I'M THE GODDAMNNEIGHBORHOOD WATCH.

OH, SORRY.FOR LEGAL REASONS?

UM, IT'S ANDERS HOLMVIK.

IT'S OKAY, GIRLS.

SHERIFF HOLMVIK LAID DOWNTHE LAW IN A MAJOR WAY.

NOW WHY DON'T WE SAYBUH-BYE TO--

- HEY, WHAT DID I DO TO YOU,DERS?

YOU KNOW, WE'RE MORE ALIKETHAN YOU EVEN KNOW, MAN.

THIS IS NOT OVER.NOT OVER.

- BLAKE'S FRIENDAND MY WEED DEALER, KARL.

- GREAT, DERS.

THIS IS THE SECOND TIMEIN MY LIFE

THAT I JUST REALLY DON'TLIKE YOU.

- NOW WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO BUYMY WEED FROM, HUH?

'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA GETMY ASS KICKED

BY THAT HIGH SCHOOL KIDAGAIN.

AT ONE OF THE PENTHOUSE PARTIES.

- OH, MY GOD.

- YOU'RE GONNA BRING THEMTHIS SATURDAY?

- MAYBE IF THEY WANNA COME.

[all agreeing vehemently]

- I MEAN, WE'LL SEE.- WE'LL SEE, YEAH.

WE'LL PROBABLY BEA LITTLE BUSY.

OH, YEAH,WE'RE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING

WE'RE GETTING INTO,I THINK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?ARE YOU--

MY HIGH SCORE ON BRICK BREAKER--DON'T YOU DARE. WHAT?

HELLO.OKAY, THAT'S A NUMBER.

IT'S, UH, IT'S OFFICIAL.ALL RIGHT.

[laughs nervously]AH!

- HEY. WHY DON'T YOU GUYSMEET ME BACK AT THE VIP BOOTH

IN, LIKE, FIVE MINUTOS?

THAT'S SPANISH FOR MINUTES.

- ♪ 'CAUSE WATCHING YOUIS DRIVING ME INSANE ♪

[women giggling]

- YOU'RE SO HOT.- OH, HO, HO, HO!

- OH!

WHOA, MY GOD.

SHE JUST TOTALLYTOUCHED BOTH MY NIPPLES

WITH ONE HANDAT THE SAME TIME.

- I LIKE HER MOUTH.- CHILL OUT. IT'S ON.

BECAUSE I TOLD THEMTHAT YOU GUYS WERE COKE DEALERS.

AND ALL THREE OF THEM HAVEREALLY BAD COKE PROBLEMS.

- APPRECIATE IT, TOPH,BUT GOTTA CHECK ONE THING FOR--

HOLY MOLY.

SHE ACTUALLY GAVE MEHER REAL NUMBER.

THERE'S A SECOND TIMEFOR EVERYTHING.

THIS IS REAL,THIS IS HAPPENING.

THIS IS MY LIFE!THIS IS MY LIFE!

HEAD SHOT.

HEY, WHO WANTS TO TAKE OVERFOR ME?

I GOTTA GO CHECKMY EMAILS.

WHERE CAN I DO THAT?- RIGHT HERE.

MY, UH, LAPTOP'S RIGHT THERE.

- OH, THANKS, DUDE.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

- GUYS.

WE GOTTA END THIS.

- WHAT? DUDE, NO.JUST TWO MORE DAYS.

- NOT UNTIL WE GO TO THEPENTHOUSE PENTHOUSE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU WEREN'T LEANING AGAINSTYOUR GIRL'S BREASTS LIKE I WAS

AT CLUB DAMNATION.

- THE PENTHOUSE PENTHOUSEIS A SYMBOL

THAT WE'VE MADE IT,THAT WE'VE ARRIVED.

WE'RE THIS CLOSETO BEING COOL.

- WE'RE THIS CLOSE TO SEEINGPIERCED VAGINAS, BLAKE.

AND THAT'S IT FOR ME.I'LL RETIRE AFTER THAT HAPPENS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT DON'T YOU SEEABOUT THAT,

THAT YOU DON'T GET IT?

- OH. IT'S JILLIAN.

- WELL, THEN ANSWER THE PHONE.- ANSWER IT.

- THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSEFOR ONCE.

- PIERCED VAGINAS.

[phone ringing]

- HELLO.- HEY, BLAKE, IT'S JILLIAN.

- OH, HEY, JILLIAN.WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

- OH, NOTHING.

HEY, I WAS JUST CALLINGTO DOUBLE CHECK

ABOUT THAT BIEBERHOLE GUY.

HE'S IN JAIL, RIGHT?

- OH, GREAT, NOW SHE'S ASKINGABOUT TOPHER.

- SO JUST TELL HER ABOUT TOPHER.- LIE TO HER.

- WHY DON'T YOU LIE TO HER?

- WHY DON'T YOU BEA BETTER FRIEND AND LIE TO HER?

- UM, YEAH, HE'S IN JAIL.

HE'S PROBABLY NESTLING UP TOHIS CELL MATE RIGHT NOW.

- HMM. INTERESTING.

UH, BUT YOU KNOWWHAT CONFUSES ME,

I JUST LOGGED INTOTHE CHAT ROOM

AND A BIEBERHOLE69ASKED ME TO

"PULL OUT MY LITTLE BOYDING DONG."

WHAT'S EVEN WEIRDERIS THAT HE HAS HIS WEBCAM ON

AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKEYOUR FRIEND FROM THE OTHER DAY.

EVEN WEIRDER, YOU GUYSARE STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT,PARTY BOYS?

- AH, SERIOUSLY, JILLIAN,

IT'S, UH,IT'S NOT OUR FAULT, IT'S--

IT'S REALLY A FUNNY STORY,ACTUALLY.

- LOOK, I ALREADY CALLEDTHE POLICE.

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

DON'T LET HIM GO.

BLAKE.

YOU'VE GOTTA ASK YOURSELF,ARE YOU A TRUE BELIEBER?

I'VE BELIEVE YOU ARE.

[beep]

- HI, GUYS.

UM, I'VE ACTUALLYGOTTA GO DO A BUNCH OF ERRANDS

RIGHT NOW, SO--

- YOU KNOW WE HAVE TOSTOP YOU.

- YEAH. YEAH.IT'S COOL.

LET ME JUST GET MY FEDORA ON

AND THROW ALL THE VAPETRONUP IN THE AIR.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.HOW DID YOU GUYS CATCH HIM?

- TOPHER'S, LIKE,THE FASTEST GUY WE'VE EVER MET.

HE'S SO FAST.- HE JUST--

- WE HAVE CARS.

- OH.- CARS, OKAY, OKAY.

COOL, GOOD IDEATHAT WE CALLED.

- WE THOUGHT OF THAT,BUT I JUST...

- YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDGET AWAY WITH IT?

[bleep] YOU!

I WILL [bleep] YOUR FACE.

THAT'S A PROMISE.

TAKE HIM AWAY, BOYS.

- JILLIAN.

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,WE'RE SORRY.

HE WAS,HE WAS GONNA TAKE US

TO THE PENTHOUSE PENTHOUSE.

- HE'S THE COOLEST GUYWE'VE EVER MET.

BESIDES ALL THAT WEIRDLITTLE BOY STUFF.

- RIGHT.- YEAH.

WE TOTALLY GET ITIF YOU NEVER WANNA TALK TO

ANY OF US EVER AGAININ YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

- YEAH, I GET IT.

I MEAN, WHO WOULDN'T WANT TOGO TO THE PENTHOUSE PENTHOUSE?

YOU CAN PEE ON THE FLOOR.

- YEAH, I KNOW.- THAT'S REAL, RIGHT?

- THAT'S WHAT WE WERE SAYING.- I'D TINKLE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

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