ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
A senator tries to quash a scandal at a press conference, a police officer interrogates a well-known rapper, and Levi shows Cedric his collection of oddities.
These allegations that Ihave sent inappropriate pictures
over the internetare completely ridiculous.
They are leviedby my political rivals
who are trying to embarrass meand advance their own agenda.
So let me be perfectly clear.
These allegations are false.
I will be vindicated.
- Okay, please, questions.[all speaking at once]
- Senator, senator.[overlapping shouting]
TMZ has obtained an actualphoto of your genitalia.
They're posting itto their website as we speak.
They're saying you took it.
How do you respond?
[cameras clicking]- Hmm? Okay.
I may have sent one photoof my genitalia.
- All right?(reporters) Senator, senator!
Okay, but I assure youthat's an isolated incident.
- It was a one-time thing. Okay?[overlapping shouting]
- Yes. Mark?- Senator,
what about the new report
that there are threenew pictures
having been sentto three different women?
That's not a one-time thing.That's a lot of--
What second-rate newsorganization is trying to--
New York Times.
O--It was--it was four total.
- No more. That was it.[all speaking at once]
It was just--It was four, and no more.
Questions? Yes, Amy.
Yes, you are sure that therewere only four photos sent?
That's it. Four. That's all.
There's no more than four.
Then how do you explainthe one you sent me?
- What?[all gasping]
Everybody please, please.
I'm begging you.
I'm begging you to forgive mefor the foibles
It was the reckless actof a younger man.
A younger man?You sent it two seconds
before you stepped on stage.
(man)Senator, senator,that's very recent.
last time I checked,time is still real, okay?
So, technically speaking...[text message dings]
I am much older nowthan I was
- all of those seconds ago.[all cell phones beeping]
- Did I just--- Are you guys--
- Oh, my God, yeah.- What?
- What's happening right now?- I just got one.
[all speaking at once]
Senator,how are you even doing this?
You have no proofthat I am doing anything--
- [all gasping]- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry again.
I'm sorry again.
I'm sorry one more time.
Oh, wait a second.
You can do it,but I can't do it?
Get in there, get in there.
[snaps]First things first.
I do not care that you're
a multi-platinum sellingrapper, Gun Rack.
What I care aboutis that I, 100%,
know that you murderedDarnell Simmons.
So,you better start talking.
[softly] Yeah,but you ain't got nothing.
Oh. Uh, you know,
I'm actually, I'm very gladthat you said that.
Because I--respectfully,I beg to differ.
[hip hop musicon tape player]
♪ I killed Darnell, yeah,I shot him with my nine ♪
♪ I shot him nine times,9:00 p.m. on the dime ♪
♪ And by the way,it was November 9th ♪
That don't mean nothing.
I got a vivid imagination.
I couldn't have shotDarnell.
I was at my cousin'sbirthday party.
Red Lobster, November 9th.
- At Red Lobster?- Mm hmm.
Geez, I got to tell you,Gun Rack,
I find that really hardto believe.
[music continues]- ♪ I got an alibi
♪ Birthday,Red Lobster ♪
♪ When in reality I shotDarnell like a mobster ♪
♪ It's a lie,Anyone could tell this ♪
♪ Because I got an allergyto all shellfish ♪
Just confess, Gun Rack.
I confess that "shellfish"is the only thing
that rhymes with "tell this".
It's just words, Detective.
That just happen to bein a dope order.
But...you ain't got no proof.
[music continues]- ♪ Shot up Darnell
♪ With a long-ass gun
♪ And I tossed itinto the aquarium ♪
I have no ideawhat that object is.
- I don't--- If I had to identify it,
I would call it a gunof the long-ass variety.
Some seaweed in there, too.Look, Detective.
I hate to break it to you.
I ain't kill nobody.
♪ I stroke my chin real slowwhen I'm lying ♪
♪ And I was laughing super hardas Darnell was dying ♪
The name of the albumis I Killed Darnell Simmons.
- It's a concept album.- A concept--
That's a picture of you.
A picture of you, and behind youis Darnell Simmons's body!
You're going awayfor a long time, you understand?
You're gonna confess if it'sthe last thing you ever do,
you hear me, Gun Rack?I'll beat it out of you.
- Joe.- I'll beat it out of you.
He's free to go.
What?No. No, no, no, no, no.
We have everythingwe need.
No, it was Simmons'sgirlfriend.
She just confessedto the whole thing.
Infidelity.Crime of passion.
Let's go, Mr. Rack.
[music from tape player]- Bonus track, bonus track.
♪ Got a ride or die bitch
♪ I think you get the gist
♪ And when you let me out,I'm gonna blow a little kiss ♪
♪ Consider this my confessionadmissible in a court ♪
♪ I killed Darnell Simmonsfor sport ♪
[laughs]♪ That's right, I'm a murderer
- ♪ Come and get me - Hector, stop!
♪ You can't,come down the hall and get me ♪
♪ Okay, okay,you got me ♪
You got me, you got me.
Yes. Whoa, whoa. Damn.Ow, ow!
Oh, please don't sayanything.
Please just keepit to yourself, whatever--
Oh.Thought you had an idea.
- We need to make an app.- Like, for a Smartphone?
An app that all the people
could download and thenwe make millions.
It's just, that shit's hardto come up with, man.
It's like catching lightningin a bottle.
I already got that.
You got what?
Lightning in a bottle.
Really, what's the idea?
No, no idea.
I got actual lightningin a bottle.
That's just a phrase.
I got that, dog.
[static electricity buzzing]
Lightning in a bottle.Blip.
That's crazy, son.Where'd you get that?
Some old Chinese mansold it to me years ago.
I mean, that's somesupernatural shit, man.
All it does is this.
Oh, the lightning!
I got it.[sniffs]
But seriously, man.
Would it be like an appthat reminds you
when your favorite televisionshows are on?
No. It--we got to address thiscrazy-ass bottle that you got.
Nigga, what bottle?
The bottle withthe lightning in it.
Are you still on that?
Yes. How does it work?
Cedric, I don't know.
It's the classic lightningin the bottle gag.
You just open it up--
Lightning in the house!Lightning in the room!
Okay, you know what?
- You shouldn't have this.- What?
This shit--this shitbelongs to
the military or something.
But that app, though.
No. We don't need the app.
You've got the goosethat laid the golden egg.
How do you know about Honkers?
Get in on this app idea.
[Honker honks]- You like it?
[Honkers honks]- He likes it.
Yep. He got a goddamngolden egg.
Honkers here is the cat'spajamas.
No, please don't. Don't.
I want to show you something.
Whatever it is,I don't want to see it.
- It's relevant.- I already know what it is.
It ain't what you think.
Well, what I think it isis a pair of cat's pajamas.
Yes. These are for Honkersto wear.
The little neck in there.
how you gonna fit his headthrough this--with the--
the orange pump shit.
I'm gonna have to ask youto leave my house.
Because you disrespectedmy roommate.
It's clear that this isa crazy house. So I got to go.
You over here talkingabout geese and golden eggs
and feline sleepwear.
- [honk]- Come on, man. Cedric.
You need to get offyour high horse, man.
Hey, I just thought of a namefor you.
Miss Clarissa,I'm gonna tell you, girl.
In that dress,you looking about as sweet
as a field full of honeysuckleafter a spring rain shower.
[chuckles]How do you do it, girl?
Mm!That ass, though.
- What was that?- What was what?
What you just said to her.
Oh. Well, I wasjust following your lead.
No you wasn't.
You was being all heavy-handedwith it, man.
You got to be subtle.
- Subtle.- Exactly.
You got to be subtle if youwanna talk to them ladies.
I can do that.
Whoo hoo hoo!Whee!
Miss Denise, girl,
the way that dressis flowing,
you look like a mountain creekafter a spring thaw.
The way that dressfitting on you
got them...tittiespopping out.
- What--- Amazing.
What. Is. Your.Secret?
What are you--what are you doing?
I was just doingwhat you was doing.
No, you wasn't.
I even said"What. Is. Your. Secret?"
- That's verbatim!- That part was.
Did you hear me say anythingabout anybody's titties?
You know what?
How about we just sayno words altogether.
- No words altogether.- Mm-hmm.
- Question.- Yes?
- How will I talk?- You're not gonna talk, okay?
Hoo hoo whee!
Ladies, I'm sorry,y'all hurt my eye.
Y'all just, like, smoldering.Like the sun.
And just as bright in thembeautiful dresses.
Mm! Mm! Mm!Vagina.
What the hell was that?
Oh. I did say a wordat the end there, didn't I?
Did you see the partwhere all this was going on
and shaking your tail feathersand whatnot?
I didn't see it--I gotthe worst view in the house.
That's whatchased them away, man.
- All right.- You know what?
- Stay away from me.- All right.
You likea long-stemmed rose,
the wayyou looking and smelling.
What is your recipe?
I bet you got a big old dickand balls.
I love you.
Oh, Lee, I'm sorry,buddy.
I can't believe it.
Thank you so muchfor coming.
I haven't seen youin years.
- Yes!- Man.
Oh, I haven't seen you since--
- Eighth grade.- Eighth grade.
- Miss Lacy's class?- Yeah...I know, I know.
Miss Lacy's Class!Ha ha!
Oh, you brought meflowers?
That's awesome.That's awesome.
I bought these at a storefor you.
You didn't haveto bring me flowers, man.
Here you go.
Crazy the wayI went out like that, huh?
- Yeah.- What was that?
- What?I was like, when I heard,
I was like, "What the fuck?"
Oh, well of course, I mean--Fucking Boulder?
Who'd have thought!
Boulder. Right.I mean it's like,
who gets killedby a boulder these days?
Well, I mean--I mean,not me.
I mean I wasin Boulder, Colorado.
I was hiking, and thenI fell off that mountain.
You remember, right?Boulder, Colorado.
- Yeah!- I was hiking, and then I--
- No, I-I know!- I was dehydrated,
then theycouldn't find me.
No, I was saying,like, if you think about it,
Boulder killed you.
Well, not really Boulder.
I wouldn't say the city,per se.
It was the--it was the cougarthat got me.
And then that's what everyonewas talking about.
I mean, God, I was out therefor like, three weeks.
- Yeah.- Jeez.
But that's neither herenor there.
So, hey, did you get
that LinkedIn invitationI sent you before I died?
um, I mean, I don't--
when I see LinkedIn,
I just delete itwithout even checking,
- because I've just got...- No, no, I got you.
- so much...on my plate.- Totally, yeah, yeah.
- I get it, I get it.- So...
Hey, so w-whatdid you want to say to me?
- Um, what do you mean?- You know, that's why
people cometo graveyards, right?
Is so you can saythe stuff
- that you wish you had said...- Right, right--
when someone was alive,right?
Oh, my God.There's so much stuff.
Okay, where do I start?
- Um...- Take your time, man.
You can lay a couple on me todayand then come back.
Yeah, I mean--yeah,I can get it done here.
'Cause that's the whole reason
- I came down here, you know.- Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Plus my grandfather'slike two rows down there.
- Oh.- I was gonna come to you,
say some things to you,
go to him,and sort of finish up...
- Oh...- there.
But you were comingto see me too?
Totally, totally, totally.
Well, fire away, man.
You're the only good friendI have who's come to visit.
I just wanted to, uh,say that, oh,
if you see my grandfather,
maybe you couldjust tell him that--
Okay, so you didn'tcome here to visit me.
You came hereto see your grandfather.
I get it.
Well, what do you mean?What are you talking about?
I'm here to see you.
- Why--- Right.
Okay. It's cool.You know what,
I'm just gonna, you know,go back to the afterlife.
I'm sorry.I'm behind hostile.
It's just a littleembarrassed right now,
- a little taken off guard.- I'm just gonna...
No, go ahead, take them.Get them.
- Yeah.- Go ahead, get them, Get them.
Oh, uh,just a heads up, though, Lee.
Um, I'm probably gonna haunt youfor the rest of your life,
and if you have a daughter,
I'm gonnapossess the creepiest doll
- in her bedroom.- No.
- Just so you know.- No, no, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.