Celebrity, Batman

  • 03/27/2014

Forrest bids a fortune to win a dinner with Ashley Tisdale and learns the secret to being Batman from his disastrous family court proceedings.

- [sighs]

I COURTED SUZANNEFOR AN EXCRUCIATING 13 MONTHS

BEFORE SHE ALLOWED ME TO BEPHYSICALLY INTIMATE WITH HER.

WHATEVER MAGICI WORKED THEN,

I'M GOING TO HAVETO CONDENSE

INTO THE TIME IT TAKESTO EAT THIS MEAL

OF AMERICAN BISTRO FOOD.

OH.- HI.

- YES, HELLO.- I'M ASHLEY.

AND THIS IS MY BODYGUARD.- OH, OKAY.

WONDERFUL. LISTEN, HEY,I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.- OH, THANK YOU.

- YES, IT'S GOOD.YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, THANK YOU.- YES, THANK YOU

FOR LOOKING SO BEAUTIFUL.

- AND THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR YOUR $70,000 CONTRIBUTION.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,I HAVE A SON

WHO'S EXTREMELY SHORTFOR HIS AGE.

- OH, SO YOU'RE MARRIED?- QUITE THE CONTRARY.

I AM RECENTLY DIVORCEDAND GETTING OUT THERE.

SO YOUR TIMING IS PRETTY GOOD.

YES.

YEAH.- [chuckles nervously]

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?I DABBLE IN PALM READING.

MAY I?

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M GOOD.

I'M GOOD. I DON'T REALLY BELIEVEIN THAT STUFF.

- OH, WELL, IT'S MAINLYJUST SORT OF FOR FUN,

TO TALK ABOUT, YOU KNOW,YOUR HEART LINE.

- NO.- YEAH.

MM, OKAY.YEAH.

MY--MY LOVE LINE,IF IT'S THIS ONE, IS ALL--

GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANTA PALM READ--

- I'M--I'M GOOD.

- UM, YOU--I IMAGINETHAT BEING A CELEBRITY

IS VERY, VERY STRESSFUL.

- NO, ACTUALLY,IT'S REALLY FUN.

IT'S REALLY FUN.- WITH CERTAIN STRESSES,

IN TERMS OFKEEPING UP PUBLIC APPEARANCES

AND--AND ALL THAT.- NO.

I-I REALLY ENJOY IT.I LOVE IT.

- WELL, NO WONDERYOU'RE CARRYING ALL THAT TENSION

IN YOUR SHOULDERS.- I'M CARRYING--NO.

NO, NO, NO.- SO WHY DON'T I SEE

IF I CAN HELP YOUWITH THAT?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU DON'T NEED TO GET UP.

YOU DON'T NEED TO GET UP.- NO, WELL, I'LL--

I THINK I'LL JUST GIVE YOUA LITTLE BACK RUB HERE.

IT SHOULD'VE COMEAS NO SURPRISE

THAT MISS TISDALEWAS ACTING COY.

TO A CELEBRITY,AN EVENING OF SEX

IS A COVETED PRIZETHAT CANNOT BE HANDED OUT

TO JUST ANYONEWITH NO APPARENT BENEFIT

IN THE FORM OF DRUGSOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT.

- I'M OKAY.- OKAY.

- I'M JUST EXCITED FOR DINNER.

- GOOD.SO, UH...

- OH, GOOD.THANKS.

- OKAY.

I'M JUST GONNA BEVERY BLUNT WITH YOU.

- OH, BOY.

- MY INTEREST IN THIS DATE

ACTUALLY HAS NOTHINGTO DO WITH THE FOOD,

EVEN THOUGHTHIS RIB TASTER FOR TWO

IS DEFINITELY CALLING TO ME,NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

BUT WHAT I'M SAYING ISIF YOU ARE INTERESTED

IN GETTING OUT OF HEREAND GOING STRAIGHT TO DESSERT...

[cell phone rings]

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?I AM SO SORRY.

I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.HELLO?

- FAKE PHONE CALL,FAKE PHONE CALL,

FAKE PHONE CALL.- WHAT?

- FAKE PHONE CALL,FAKE PHONE CALL,

FAKE PHONE CALL.- RIGHT NOW?

- FAKE PHONE CALL,FAKE PHONE CALL,

FAKE PHONE CALL.

- OH, MY GOD, OKAY.I AM SO SORRY.

A BAD THING HAPPENED,AND IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

AND I'VE GOT TO GO.I'M SO SORRY.

- NO PROBLEM.LISTEN, AS I WAS SAYING--

- NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE--PLEASE, STAY HERE.

JUST ENJOY YOUR DINNER.

- I HAVE NO INTERESTIN THE FOOD AT ALL.

- EAT YOUR DINNER.

THANK YOUFOR YOUR $70,000 CONTRIBUTION.

"NUMB WITH SORROW.

"ROY WAS GONE,

AND I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFEWITHOUT HIM."

- BEHIND ME IS DIANE MASSEY,

ONE-TIME TRAFFIC REPORTERFOR K.L.O.W.'S LOCAL NEWS.

SOME PEOPLECONSIDER HER TO BE

THE ASHLEY TISDALEOF TRAFFIC REPORTING.

SHE HAS WRITTEN A MEMOIRABOUT COPING WITH THE DEATH

OF HER HUSBAND, ROY.

HE DIED IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT,IRONICALLY ENOUGH.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?[light applause]

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR WRITING THIS.

- OF COURSE.

- RECENTLY, UH...

I RECENTLY LOST MY WIFE.

DIANE WAS A SWEET, SAD WOMANIN A HIGHLY VULNERABLE STATE.

I GOT TO HAND IT TO LUCILLE.SHE CALLED IT.

AND DIANE'S NEED FOR LOVING CAREMADE MY TASK ALL TOO EASY.

- IS THERE SOMETHING ELSEI CAN DO FOR YOU?

- AS A MATTER OF FACT,THERE IS.

- OKAY.OH.

YEAH, OH. OH, GOD.- MM-HMM.

THE GLAMOUR OF SLEEPING WITHA FAMOUS WOMAN WAS UNDENIABLE.

BUT ULTIMATELY,WE WERE JUST PEOPLE,

AND OUR SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WOULDEND THE WAY THEY USUALLY DO.

- OH, NO!

[crying]OH, ROY!

OH.

BRING ME ROY.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT--I'M SORRY.I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

- GIVE ME RO--BRING ME HIS ASHES.

BRING ME ROY.

[sobbing]

- ALL RIGHT.- BRING ME HIS ASHES.

OH, MY ROY.

OH, MY ROY.

[sobbing]

- I'LL PROBABLY, UH--PROBABLY GET GOING THERE.

- YOU CAN CALL ME IF YOU WANT.- OKAY.

I MISSED MY BATWOMAN, SUZANNE,

AND MY BAT-SON...

BAT-EVERYTHING.

HEY, THE BIKE LANESARE CLEARLY MARKED.

- [bleep] YOU, BATMAN!

- [bleep] YOU.

[bleep].

BUT I DID MY BESTTO FIND CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

OR AS CLOSEAS I COULD COME.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS SHOPPING CARTDOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

I'LL BRING IT BACKTO THE FOOD SAVER.

- WHAT?

- I'M BATMAN.

IT WAS CLEAR TO METHAT THE IDEA

OF A PRIVATE CITIZENFIGHTING CRIME

IS OF NO VALUE WHATSOEVER.

THAT SHOULD BE LEFTTO POLICE OFFICERS

WITH THE PROPER TRAINING,EQUIPMENT,

AND ACCOUNTABILITY TO SOCIETY.

HOW THIS NEVER OCCURREDTO BATMAN IS BEYOND ME.

YOO-HOO.

YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAWRIGHT NOW.

YOU MIND COMING WITH METO THE POLICE STATION?

- HA HA.IT'S BATMAN.

- STOP--OW.THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?[cell phone rings]

- WHAT?- CONTROL YOURSELF.

HELLO?- WHERE ARE YOU?

WE'RE AT THE COURTHOUSE.- WHAT?

NO.- I DON'T KNOW--

- NO, NO, NO, NO.NO, THAT WAS TOMORROW.

OH, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO.

I'M HERE.I JUST GOT HERE.

WHAT FLOORARE YOU GUYS ON?

OKAY.WELL, WHICH WAY IS IT?

WHICH WAY DO YOU GO INONCE YOU'RE UP TOP,

ONCE YOU'RE AT THE BEGINNING?

OH.

OH, YOU CAME INTHROUGH THE PARKING GARAGE?

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE LOBBY,IS IT ALL

ONE LOBBY FOR EVERYTHING,OR IS IT...?

IF YOU'RE STANDINGON THE SIDEWALK--HANG ON.

HEY, YOU GUYS, DO YOU KNOWWHERE FAMILY COURT IS?

WHAT FL--OR WHICH ENTRANCEYOU GO IN FOR FAMILY COURT?

IS IT THE MIDDLE?OKAY, THANK YOU.

YEAH, I GOT IT.I'M GOING IN THE MIDDLE DOOR.

[elevator beeping]

- FORREST?- YES.

SUZANNE, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOUFOR JUST ONE SECOND, PLEASE?

JUST ONE SECOND, PLEASE.

- WHY ARE YOU DRESSEDLIKE THIS?

ARE YOU GOING CRAZY?- NO.

LET'S NOT DO THIS.I DON'T WANT TO BE DIVORCED.

LET'S JUST GO--- OKAY, FORREST,

I UNDERSTANDTHAT YOU ARE NOT

IN THE BEST FRAME OF MINDRIGHT NOW, OKAY?

- I AM THINKING VERY CLEARLY.- YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT.

BUT I AM CERTAINTHAT THIS IS BEST FOR US, OKAY?

- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

WE HAVE A LIFE TOGETHER.- I CAN'T--

- MACNEIL!

- [sighs]

- SUZANNE--SUZANNE.

- STOP IT.I'M SORRY.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- THIS WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE WEDNESDAY.

- I WAS LOOKINGAT LAST YEAR'S CALENDAR.

- [sighing]

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