Tuesday, November 4, 2014

  • 11/04/2014

Jim Gaffigan, Michael Ian Black and Kyle Kinane #RuinAComedian, learn about peculiar New York City straphangers and guess which unpalatable Guy Fieri creations are real.

I AM IN NEW YORK, I CAN'T DOTHIS (BLEEP) ALONE SO HELP ME

INTRODUCE ON THE'S HASHTAG WEHAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.

PLEASE WELCOME BEN STILLER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY, BEN.

BEN STILLER!

THANK YOU SO MUCH, IT'S SO GOODTO SEE YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: WELL, YOU HAVE TO --

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMINGMAN.

>> THAT'S THE WORST THING TODO.

>> Chris: WELL, YOU GOTTA! IT'SBEN STILLER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,BEN.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GREAT TOBE, UH, HERE.

I'M SORRY

>> Chris: WHAT'S WRONG?

>> THIS -- THIS ISN'T FALLON, ISIT?

>> Chris: NO.

DID PING-PONG BALLS FALL ON YOU?DID YOU SING KARAOKE?

NO, THIS IS @MIDNIGHT.

>> I AM SORRY, IT'S BEEN ACRAZY, WHIRLWIND DAY AND, I

JUST, I THOUGHT THIS WAS FALLON.

I WAS LIKE WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED TO THE ROOTS?

>> I'M NOT ?UESTLOVE.

>> YEAH, BUT I AM SURE YOU GUYSARE PROBABLY A GREAT BAND.

>> Chris: NO.

THEY ARE COMEDIANS, ACTUALLY,THAT IS JIM GAFFIGAN AND MICHAEL

BLACK AND KYLE.

>> OH.

>> HAVE YOU NOT ACTUALLY SEENTHE SHOW? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS

PROGRAM?

>> WHAT? NO, I'VE SEEN THE HOW.>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD.

>> I LOVE A-MIDNIGHT.

>> Chris: NO IT'S AT. SYMBOL, AT-MIDNIGHT.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

AND I LOVE THE WHOLE THING YOUDO EVERY NIGHT, THE THING WITH

THE THING.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH. YOUMEAN THE HASHTAG WARS.

>> YES.

THE HASHBAG WARD.

I LOVE IT, I NEVER MISS IT.

>> Chris: WELL GREAT. SINCEYOU'RE HERE WOULD YOU PLEASE

INTRODUCE THE HASHBAG WARD.

>> OH, YOU KNOW. I HAVE A THING-- GOTTA THING THAT I HAVE TO

RUN TO.

SO I AM SORRY.

I HAVE GOT -- I'M SORRY.

>> Chris: WAIT, OKAY.

>> I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY.

>> Chris: BEFORE YOU GO IS THERESOMETHING YOU WANT TO AT LEAST

PROMOTE SINCE YOU TOOK THE TIMETO --

>> UH, NO.

I WAS LITERALLY JUST WALKINGBY AND I THOUGHT -- ANYWAY.

GREAT SEEING YOU BUDDY.

>> Chris: DO YOU ACTUALLY EVENKNOW MY NAME?

>> YES, I KNOW YOUR NAME.

I KNOW YOUR NAME, I KNOW THATYOU ARE -- WHO YOU ARE.

>> Chris: UH-HUH. SO I'M --

>> NOT JIMMY FALLON.

>> Chris: NOT JIMMY.

THAT WOULD MEAN LOGICALLY I AM--

>> YOU ARE SETH.

>> Chris: YEAH, SETH MEYERS,YES.

>> SETH MEYERS.

>> YES.

>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,MAN.

HONESTLY, I HAVE NOT WATCHED SNLSINCE YOU LEFT.

>> Chris: OH, YES.I APPRECIATETHAT.

THANK YOU.

>> BEN STILLER, EVERYONE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WELL, APPARENTLY I AMSETH MEYERS.

SO I GUESS I WILL INTRODUCEHASHTAG WARS MYSELF.

SINCE WE ARE IN NEW YORK ASPART OF THE NEW YORK COMEDY

FESTIVAL TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#RUINACOMEDIAN.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE LOUIS C-WORDK.

OR LISA DAMP AND SMELLY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS THECLOCK AND GO.

GAFFIGAN.

>> COLIN QUINN, MEDICINEWOMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS. KYLE.

>> LAUREL AND HARD-ON

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS. POINTS.

MIKE BLACK.

>> BEN STILLBIRTH.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JIM.

>> LEWIS BLACKFACE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> JIM THE BODY GAFFIGAN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

OH, WELL, WELL PLAYED.

JIM.

>> ROSEANNE SALAD BAR.

>> Chris: POINTS, KYLE.

>> LOUIE ANDERSON BUT WITHOUTHIS SHIRT ON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> PATTON HARVEY OSWALD.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY OUR NEXTGAME.

THIS GUY ON THE SUBWAY!

SO I AM FROM THE WEST COAST, I'MNOT SURE I'M SAYING THIS RIGHT.

THE SUB-WAY IS THE NUMBER ONEWAY NEW YORKERS GET AROUND,

SO LET'S FIND OUT SOMEDISGUSTING STUFF THAT HAPPENS

THERE.

I AM GOING TO READ YOU PART OF AREAL TWEET WITH "THIS GUY ON THE

SUBWAY IN" IT, AND FOR 250POINTS YOUR JOB IS TO FILL IN

THE BLANK.

FIRST ONE:

THIS GUY ON THE SUBWAY RANDOMLYTOLD ME HE NOTICED MY BIG TOE

LOOKED LIKE HIS THUMB, I WASABOUT TO BE MAD BUT --

MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

>> BUT HOW CAN YOU BE MAD AT THETONY WINNER NATHAN LANE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> I WAS ABOUT TO BE MAD BUT IREALIZED HE HAD NO HANDS AND WAS

JUST BEING NOSTALGIC.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OK, THE REAL ANSWER IS --

I WAS ABOUT TO BE MAD THEN IREALIZED IT REALLY DID!

THANK YOU, NATHAN LANE.

NEXT WE HAVE -- THIS GUY IN THESUBWAY IN A A BUSH/CHENEY

INAUGURATION FLEECE HAS --JIM.

>> HAS BIG TOE THAT LOOKS LIKEMY THUMB.

>> Chris: POINTS. NICE.

MICHAEL.

>> THIS GUY ON THE SUBWAY IN ABUSH/CHENEY INAUGURATION FLEECE

HAS NOT STOPPED LOOKING ATGRINDR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE REAL ANSWER, BUSH/CHENEYINAUGURATION FLEECE HAS --

FEATHERED BANGS.

NEXT ONE A GUY ON TO THE SUBWAYJUST SAT DOWN ON THE FLOOR,

PULLED OUT BLANK AND ATE IT WITHA KNIFE AND FORK.

KYLE.

>> I JUST WANT TO ADD A COMMAAFTER PULLED OUT.

>> Chris YEAH, I MEAN, JUST THESMALLEST PUNCTUATION MAKES ALL

THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS JUST FORTHAT.

MIKE BLACK.

>> A GUY IN THE SUBWAY JUST SATDOWN ON THE FLOOR AND PULLED OUT

AND ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE AWOMAN CAN WALK DOWN THIS STREET

WITHOUT BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED.

-- AND ATE IT WITH A KNIFE ANDFORK.

>> Chris: WAIT, MIKE --

>> IT'S THAT KIND OF PANDERINGWHY I WANTED HIM ON MY SHOW.

LINE UP, TASTEMAKERS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT. THECORRECT ANSWER WAS, HE PULLED

OUT A CINNAMON BUN ON A STACK OFNEWSPAPERS AND ATE IT WITH A

KNIFE AND FORK.

>> CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS. IT WAS ASTACK OF MAGAZINES.

>> Chris: OKAY, OKAY. I'M SORRY.

WE GOT THAT WRONG.

I APOLOGIZE.

LAST ONE.

NO, GUY ON THE SUBWAY, YOUR WORNCOPY OF BLANK DON'T MAKE YOU

LOOK AT ALL LIKE A SERIALKILLER.

MICHAEL.

>> A WORN COPY OF JIM GAFFIGAN'SNEW BOOK, FOOD, A LOVE STORY.

AVAILABLE AT FINE BOOK STORES ORWHEREVER BOOKS ARE SOLD.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, THE FAST AND THE FIERI

FAST & THE FIERI-EST.

NOW. TO HELP US OUT WITH THISVERY SPECIAL GUY FIERI-THEMED

GAME, WE SENT OUR PAL TO DAVEHILL TO CENTRAL PARK EARLIER

TODAY.

HERE HE IS TO TELL US HOW THISGAME'S GONNA WORK.

>> YOU KNOW, AS ANYONE WILL TELLYOU, I'M A LOVER OF THE FINER

THINGS IN LIFE.

INCREDIBLE OUTFITS, EXOTICBILINGUAL WOMEN, AND GUY FIERI'S

AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR IN NEWYORK CITY, RECIPIENT OF THREE

MICHELIN TIRES.

MR. HARDWICK'S GONNA GIVE YOUTWO FLOIRDLY-NAMED FOOD ITEMS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GUESSWHICH ONES ACTUALLY ON GUY'S

MENU.

THEN I'LL GIVE IT A LITTLE TASTETEST WITH MY SOPHISTICATED

PALATE, WHICH IS JUST ONE MORETHING I AM PRETTY (BLEEP)ING

SWEET AT.

>> Chris: LET US HOPE THAT DAVELIVES TO TELL THE TALE.

SO LET'S BEGIN, COMEDIANS.

FIRST POSSIBLE FIERI DISH.YOU'RE STOPPING IN FOR LUNCH

WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO ORDER AGOAT CHEESE AND ROASTED BEAT-

DOWN SALAD OR A BOWL OF THEDRAGON BREATH CHILI.

MICHAEL.

>> BOWL OF DRAGON'S BREATHCHILI.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AH, DRAGON'S BREATH CHILI.

SOME INTERESTING NOTES.

KINDA LIKE LICKING THE FLOOR OFYOUR DRUNK UNCLE'S REC ROOM.

THERE'S DEFINETLY A TAINTELEMENT, BUT I CAN'T PUT MY

FINGER ON WHO'S TAINT IT IS.

>> Chris: NOW, FOR DINNER, YOUWILL BE SAMPLING THE MOTLEY

"QUE" BARBECUED RIBS OR CARMENELECTRA'S CUNNING LENGUA

FAJITAS.

KYLE.

>> MOTLEY "QUE" BARBECUED RIBS.

>> Chris: I WOULD HOPE THATWOULD BE THE ONE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU KNOW THEY SAY EACH RACKOF MOTLEY "QUE" BARBECUED RIBS

IS PAINSTAKINGLY MARINATED IN ASTRIPPER'S BATHTUB.

IT HAS A NICE TANG TO IT.

YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THESUDAFED.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME.IT'S TIME FOR PARTY POOPERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, AS YOU HAVE SEEN FROMTODAY'S NONSTOP ELECTION

COVERAGE THERE IS NO SHORTAGE OFCRAZIES IN AMERICAN POLITICS BUT

IT'S HARD TO TOP THE ROYALISTPARTY OF AMERICA, A FRINGE

POLITICAL GROUP THAT AIMS TOINSTITUTE A MONARCHY IN THE

UNITED STATES, AND WHICH HOSTSITS OFFICIAL WEBSITE ON ANGEL

FIRE.

KIDS.

YES, ANGELFIRE IS SORT OF LIKEZSA ZSA GABOR'S CARDIOVASCULAR

SYSTEM, IT'S STILL HANGING THERESOMEHOW.

IT'S GONNA MAKE IT.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU GUYSTO NAME SOME OTHER DOOMED

AMERICAN POLITICAL PARTIES.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, JIM.

>> TUPPERWARE PARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> DONNER PARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAEL.

>> THE, HOW QUICKLY CAN WE LEAVETHIS PARTY WITHOUT SEEMING RUDE,

PARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS, YES.

KYLE.

>> PARTY MCFLY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> THE MORNING AFTER PARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH, NO.

THAT'S PLAN B.

MICHAEL.

>> ANNE FRANK SWEET 16 PARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.