Premium Blend
Season 6

Mac, DeRay, Retta, Kelly

  • Season 6, Ep 608
  • 12/14/2002

MARTHA KELLY>> THANKS.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO

IN MY SPARE TIME IS TO READ

ADVICE BOOKS ON RELATIONSHIPS.

AND--

'CAUSE I THINK THEY'RE MOSTLY

PRETTY HELPFUL AND INFORMATIVE.

LIKE, THE ONES THAT WOMEN WRITE

FOR OTHER WOMEN ARE ALL ABOUT

HOW TO TRICK MEN INTO MAKING

A COMMITMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN THE ONES THAT MEN WRITE

FOR OTHER MEN ARE ALL ABOUT HOW

TO TRICK WOMEN INTO HAVING SEX

WITHOUT MAKING A COMMITMENT.

AND I THINK THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I'D ALSO KIND OF LIKE TO SEE

EVERYBODY COME TOGETHER AND

UNITE.

SO I'VE STARTED WORKING ON THIS

RELATIONSHIP BOOK THAT'S FOR

BOTH SEXES.

AND I HAVE ALTERNATING CHAPTERS

FOR MEN AND WOMEN.

AND THE FIRST CHAPTER IS FOR

WOMEN, AND IT'S CALLED

"BLUE BALLS".

(LAUGHTER)

"WHEN HE HAS DIFFICULTY

COMPROMISING."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND THE NEXT CHAPTER IS FOR MEN.

AND IT'S CALLED, "BITCH SLAP".

"HELPING HER LEARN TO LISTEN."

SO, YOU CAN--

AND SO I SIGNED UP WITH

A TEMP AGENCY.

AND MUCH TO MY DISPLAY,

THEY ACTUALLY CALLED AND SAID

THEY HAVE A JOB FOR ME.

AND SO IT'S BEEN A COUPLE YEARS

SINCE I ACTUALLY WORKED IN AN

OFFICE.

SO I THOUGHT, I SHOULD PROBABLY

DO SOMETHING TO PREPARE TO GET

BACK INTO ALL THE TYPING AND

FILING AND PHONE ANSWERING AND

WHATNOT.

SO WHAT I DID WAS, I HAD A

FRIEND OF MINE GO WITH ME DOWN

TO THE LOCAL SWIMMING POOL.

AND I HAD HIM TIE ME UP IN A

BURLAP SACK, AND SINK ME TO THE

BOTTOM OF MY POOL.

AND THEN JUST AS I WAS ABOUT

TO SUFFOCATE, HE YANKED ME UP

AND GAVE ME A LUNCH BREAK.

SO NOW I'M READY TO--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I--

YOU KNOW, IT'S SUMMER TIME.

AND EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET

IN SHAPE FOR SUMMER, AND SO I'VE

BEEN DOING THAT, TOO.

BUT I HAD A HARD TIME AT FIRST

FIGURING OUT WHICH METHOD OF

WEIGHT LOSS TO USE.

BECAUSE I USED TO GO TO

WEIGHT WATCHERS.

BUT THEY DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT

YOUR EMOTIONAL FOOD ISSUES.

THEY JUST KIND OF FOCUS ON THE

PRACTICAL SIDE OF WEIGHT LOSS,

LIKE EATING LESS AND EXERCISING

MORE, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.

AND SO I SWITCHED TO OVEREATERS

ANONYMOUS.

AND THEY ARE ACTUALLY REALLY

HELPFUL, BECAUSE THEY DO TALK

ABOUT YOUR FOOD ISSUES.

AND ONE THING THEY SAID THAT WAS

REALLY HELPFUL WAS, "TRY NOT

TO THINK OF FOOD AS SOMETHING

THAT YOU LOVE, AND THAT YOU'RE

MISSING OUT ON.

BUT, LOOK AT IT AS LIKE AN

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU'RE

IN, AND NOW YOU'RE BREAKING UP

WITH IT."

AND TO HELP YOU VISUALIZE THAT,

THEY RECOMMEND WRITING A

BREAK-UP LETTER TO FOOD.

AND SO I DID.

I'M JUST GONNA READ IT FOR YOU

REALLY QUICKLY.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"DEAR FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE WERE SOME GOOD TIMES

WE HAD, HUH?

WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S OVER.

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND, MARTHA.

P.S.

I MISS YOU.

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME."

DAMNIT.

I HAD A DAY JOB BEFORE, THOUGH.

ANYONE HERE HAVE ONE OF THOSE?

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

COUPLE OF YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE

OTHERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL ABOUT THE

DAY JOB?

ME EITHER.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

(LAUGHTER)

THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO DO

WHEN YOU HAVE A DAY JOB IS, YOU

HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.

AND THAT'S INCONVENIENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

YOU GET UP, AND YOU SHOWER.

AND YOU PEE.

AND YOU HAVE SOME COFFEE.

AND FOR ME, THAT'S TOO MANY

HOT LIQUIDS AT ONE TIME.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOOD FOR

YOUR SYSTEM, TO HAVE HOT LIQUIDS

COMING IN AND GOING OUT AND

GETTING SHOT AT YOU WITH THIS

HIGH-PRESSURE WATER GUN.

AH!

GOOD MORNING.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU WAKE UP, AND IT'S HOT

LIQUID, HOT LIQUID, HOT LIQUID.

AND THEN YOU GO OUTSIDE,

AND IT'S PACKED OUTSIDE.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY

PEOPLE ARE JUST UP IN THE

MORNING.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WOULD HAVE TO GUESS--

I DON'T KNOW: 50 PERCENT.

OR MAYBE EVEN AS MANY AS HALF OF

ALL THE PEOPLE ARE UP IN THE

MORNING.

AND THEY DON'T WANNA BE THERE.

IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THEY HAD FOR

BREAKFAST WAS A CIGARETTE AND A

PISS.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE TIRED AND

CRABBY, AND IT'S BRIGHT AND

SURLY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PLEASE, FOLKS. SOMEBODY'S GOTTA

FOLLOW ME.

AND THEN THERE'S A TON OF PEOPLE

OVER HERE, AND THEY'RE TRYING

TO GET OVER THERE.

BUT THERE'S A TON OF PEOPLE

THERE.

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO GET OVER

HERE.

IT'S REALLY NOT ORGANIZED WELL

AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

JUST LIVE OVER THERE, AND WORK

OVER THERE.

AND THEN YOU GUYS COULD LIVE

HERE, AND WORK OVER HERE.

BUT NO, EVERYONE WANTS TO DO

THIS CHINESE FIRE DRILL EVERY

MORNING, FOR LIKE, THREE HOURS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND YOUR DESTINATION IN THE

MORNING--

IT'S NOT TO BE IN BED ANY MORE,

WHERE IT'S SOFT AND QUIET

AND NATURAL AND WARM AND

PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE.

NO.

YOU WANNA GET TO THE PLACE WHERE

YOU DON'T WANNA BE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU WANNA GET

THE PLACE YOU DON'T WANNA GO,

THE OFFICE.

SO YOU CAN BE IN YOUR SAFE

LITTLE CUBICLE THERE IT THE

OFFICE.

AND THERE'S A WHOLE CELLBLOCK

FULL OF THESE CUBICLES.

AND IT'S DESIGNED SO YOU DON'T

HAVE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH

ANOTHER HUMAN BEING EVER AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE EVERY ONCE IN A

WHILE SOMEBODY WILL WALK IN,

AND EVERYONE STANDS UP AND DOES

THAT PRAIRIE DOG THING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO YOU'RE WORKING AWAY UNTIL

LUNCH TIME.

AND FINALLY, LUNCH ARRIVES.

AND THAT'S GREAT 'CAUSE THAT'S

LIKE PAROLE.

FOR AN HOUR, I GET TO GO OUT AND

EAT.

NOW, WHERE DO YOU GO TO EAT?

DO YOU GO TO THE SAME PLACE YOU

ALWAYS GO?

IT'S VERY CONVENIENT.

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY THERE.

BUT YOU CAN BURN OUT ON IT,

YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH OF

SOMETHING YOU REALLY LIKE,

AFTER A WHILE YOU DON'T LIKE IT

ANY MORE.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA LOOK AT IT

ANY MORE.

LIKE IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH

HALLOWEEN CANDY, OR TOO MUCH

ANGELINA JOLIE.

BECAUSE...

(AUDIENCE MOANS)

OH, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE TRUTH

BY MOANING AT IT, PEOPLE.

IT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN EATING AT THE SAME

CHINESE PLACE ALL WEEK LONG.

I GOT MOO GOO GAI PAN COMING OUT

THE YIN-YANG.

ALL YOU CAN EAT AND DIM SUM.

I THINK TODAY...

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL HAVE A BURRITO.

YOU SHOVE THAT DOWN.

BUT YOU STILL GOT THE TASTE OF

OFFICE IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU NEED A DRINK TO WASH IT

DOWN, A REAL DRINK.

A DRINK DRINK.

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ANOTHER

ST. JOHN'S WORT SMOOTHIE WHIPPED

UP BY SOME WHEATGRASS-BREATH

BLENDER-JOCKEY AT BRUCE'S JUICE

CABOOSE IS GONNA CUT IT,

YOU KNOW?

I'M ABOUT TO SNAP LIKE GRANDMA'S

OSTEOPOROSIS HIP.

THE ONLY JUICE I WANT IS POTATO

THAT'S BEEN FERMENTED WITH SOME

VERMOUTH AND OLIVES AND ICED

DOWN AND STRAINED DIRECTLY INTO

MY FERMENTED

POTATO-JUICE-RECEIVING HOLE;

RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOU CAN'T DRINK ON THE

CLOCK, UNLESS YOU WORK FOR EXXON

OR AMERICA WEST, OR AMTRAK,

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THAT'S IT FOR

MY MOMMA MADE THIS FOR ME.

BUT I'M STILL THUGGED OUT.

I'M STILL THUGGED OUT, THOUGH.

LIGHT-SKINNED THUGGED.

LIGHT-SKINNED THUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M A LIGHT-SKINNED THUG.

I ALMOST DO ANYTHING.

Y'ALL KNOW.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I MADE MY OWN CLOTHES, MAN.

I STARTED MAKING MY OWN.

I'M NOT BUYING NOBODY ELSE

CLOTHES.

THEY TOO EXPENSIVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO GO TO THE

STORES AND MESS WITH THE SALES

PEOPLE.

GET THEM BACK.

THEY MESS WITH YOU ALL DAY.

GET úEM BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

I GO IN THE STORE, RIGHT?

AND I JUST TRY STUFF ON,

AND WALK AROUND IN IT.

THEY CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LONG

TO KEEP IT ON.

I'M JUST WALKING AROUND THE

STORE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RELATIONSHIPS.

TIRED OF RELATIONSHIP STUFF.

WOMEN PUTTING US THROUGH IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> MONEY!

DeRAY>> WOMEN ALWAYS ASKING ME,

"DID YOU CHEAT?"

WOMEN WANNA KNOW.

"DID YOU CHEAT?

ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?

YOU'RE CHEATING.

YOU'RE CHEATING."

WELL, BITCH, DID I WIN?

DID I WIN?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M CHEATING.

THE RELATION-TRIP.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED.

NOBODY REALLY WANNA BE IN ONE--

THEN WHY YOU FALL IN LOVE?

WHAT'S LOVE?

FORGET LOVE.

FALL IN LIKE.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN LIKE,

YOU DO THE SAME THING YOU DO

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY.

YOU GO PLACES.

YOU HAVE FUN.

YOU LAY TOGETHER.

YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF.

YOU CAN FAKE LIKE I LOVE YOU.

I-- I-- I--

YOU JUST DON'T SAY THE OTHER

WORD.

SAME AMOUNT OF LETTERS,

LESS STRESS, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

THEN YOU GET IN A RELATIONSHIP.

AND YOU MOVE IN WITH THE PERSON.

NOW YOU ALL LIVE TOGETHER.

AND THEN MEN, YOU ACCEPT THIS

STRESS.

YOU'RE SAYING, "EH.

I'M GONNA LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN."

SO, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER.

NOW YOU GOTTA ACCEPT THE

RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIVING WITH

YOUR WOMAN.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CURFEW?

YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS MAN.

BUT YOU'VE GOT A CURFEW

'CAUSE YOU LIVE WITH YOUR WOMAN.

SO NOW YOU'RE OUT WITH YOUR

BOYS.

NOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH

EVERY OTHER MINUTE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE GONNA TALK TO EVERYBODY

IN HERE, HUH?

NOW YOU GET IN YOUR RIDE,

AND YOU GO HOME.

AND NOW YOU'VE GOT TO SNEAK IN

YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOUR HOUSE.

YOU PULL UP.

YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF LIKE A

DRIVE-BY.

YOU GET OUT.

YOU CREEP UP TO THE DOOR.

AND THIS IS WHAT I DO.

I'M REAL SLICK.

I STICK MY THUMB THROUGH

THE KEYHOLE, GRAB THE REST OF

THE KEYS SO THEY DON'T MAKE

NO NOISE.

TURN IT, AND SNEAK IN THE DOOR.

AND AS SOON AS I GET IN

THE HOUSE, I TAKE OFF ALL MY

CLOTHES, AND LAY ON THE GROUND.

SO THAT WAY, NO MATTER WHEN SHE

COME OUT, I BE LIKE--

"I WAS SLEEPING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE BIGGEST PART TO ME

OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP--

IF YOU'RE A JEALOUS MAN,

FORGET BEING JEALOUS.

IF I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

I'M GLAD SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'M NOT NO JEALOUS MAN.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE JEALOUS.

I FEEL LIKE THE THINGS ANOTHER

MAN CAN DO FOR YOU; HE CAN'T DO

FOR YOU WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

SO, WHY AM I GONNA BE JEALOUS?

LIKE A LOT OF THESE MEN OUT

HERE, THEY GET MAD IF YOU WANNA

BUY THEIR GIRLFRIEND A DRINK.

WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE

ALCOHOL IS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HUH?

NO, NO, NO.

NO, NOT DeRAY.

I WISH MY WOMAN WOULD WALK UP

TALKING ABOUT SOME--

"DeRAY, DeRAY."

"WHAT?

WHAT?"

"HE WANNA BUY ME A DRINK."

"WELL, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME

BEFORE YOU MESS IT UP."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND BEFORE SHE GET CLOSE, I SAY,

"GET ME A LONG ISLAND."

AND I WALK AWAY.

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY.

ON A LITTLE RETTA INFORMATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT GIVES ME A RUSH?

METHAMPHETAMINES.

(LAUGHTER)

NO.

BARBITURATES.

I'M KIDDING.

NO.

I LOVE WHEN I GET A PIECE OF

MAIL, AND ABOVE MY NAME IT SAYS,

"YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN APPROVED."

(SIGHS)

I AM TELLING YOU--

PRE-APPROVAL.

IS THAT NOT SUCH SWEET,

SWEET SERENDIPITY?

FOR ME, THAT'S LIKE THE PERFECT

HIT.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I GET THAT

NATURAL HIGH.

YOU KNOW, I LIKEN IT TO THAT

FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND

AN ANONYMOUS LOVE LETTER OR AN

UNEXPECTED VALENTINE'S DAY CARD.

YOU KNOW, THAT FEELING OF,

♪ I'M SPECIAL

♪ I'M WANTED

UM, MUCH TO MY DISMAY,

I AM WANTED BY SEVERAL

COLLECTION AGENCIES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

UH-HUH.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

UNFORTUNATELY, CITIBANK WANTS ME

TO GIVE THEIR MONEY BACK.

SO AS ONE MIGHT SUSPECT,

AFTER APPROVAL COMES DENIAL.

LET ME PAINT THE PICTURE.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO OUT

TO DINNER, AND AFTER THE MEAL

YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE BATTLE FOR

THE CHECK?

YOU KNOW THE ONE I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

LIKE, "I GOT IT."

"NO, NO, NO, GIRL.

I GOT IT."

"NO, NO, GIRL, YOU GOT IT LAST

TIME."

"NO, BUT YOU PAID FOR THE MOVIES

AND THE REFRESHMENTS."

I'M LIKE, "NO, GIRL, BUT I OWE

YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY."

"OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

YOU PAY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN!"

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT SHE'D PUT UP

MORE OF A FIGHT.

SO, BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE YOU

WON.

OR DID YOU?

YOU HAND THE WAITRESS YOUR CARD.

AND JUST AS SHE WALKS OFF,

YOU GET THAT SINKING FEELING

IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME YOU MADE A PAYMENT

ON THAT CARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OR EVEN WORSE, YOU REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME YOU TRIED TO MAKE

A PAYMENT ON THAT CARD 'CAUSE

THE BANK SENT YOU A LITTLE NOTE

THAT SAID YOUR FUNDS WAS

INSUFFICIENT.

SO NOW YOU'RE SWEATING.

YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON

THE CONVERSATION AT THE TABLE

'CAUSE YOU'RE STEADY WATCHING

HER TRY TO RUN YOUR CARD.

AND THEN IT HAPPENS.

THE THING YOU FEARED THE MOST.

SHE TRIES TO RUN YOUR CARD

AGAIN.

OOH.

AND FOR JUST A MOMENT YOU THINK,

"MAYBE IT'S THE STRIP."

BUT IT AIN'T THE STRIP.

HER EFFORTS ARE FUTILE, IS WHAT

I'M SAYING.

(APPLAUSE)

A FEW CAUCASIAN MALES IN THE

AUDIENCE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU.

AS A BLACK WOMAN, I FEEL IT IS

MY DUTY TO IMPART SOME

INFORMATION ON YOU.

A VERITABLE PSA, IF YOU WILL.

AS A COLORED GIRL--

YEAH, I SAID IT.

IF I NEVER HEAR ANOTHER WHITE

BOY SAY, "YOU GO GIRL," IT'LL BE

TOO SOON.

KILL IT!

KILL THAT NOISE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT,

COULD YOU NOT RAISE THE ROOF

AT ME?

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL

ME I'M THE BOMB.

I KNOW THIS.

I'M JUST SAYING.

I'M--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M A HATER.

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I'M A HATER.

Loading...