Mac, DeRay, Retta, Kelly

  • Season 6, Ep 608
  • 12/14/2002

MY MOMMA MADE THIS FOR ME.

BUT I'M STILL THUGGED OUT.

I'M STILL THUGGED OUT, THOUGH.

LIGHT-SKINNED THUGGED.

LIGHT-SKINNED THUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M A LIGHT-SKINNED THUG.

I ALMOST DO ANYTHING.

Y'ALL KNOW.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I MADE MY OWN CLOTHES, MAN.

I STARTED MAKING MY OWN.

I'M NOT BUYING NOBODY ELSE

CLOTHES.

THEY TOO EXPENSIVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO GO TO THE

STORES AND MESS WITH THE SALES

PEOPLE.

GET THEM BACK.

THEY MESS WITH YOU ALL DAY.

GET úEM BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

I GO IN THE STORE, RIGHT?

AND I JUST TRY STUFF ON,

AND WALK AROUND IN IT.

THEY CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LONG

TO KEEP IT ON.

I'M JUST WALKING AROUND THE

STORE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RELATIONSHIPS.

TIRED OF RELATIONSHIP STUFF.

WOMEN PUTTING US THROUGH IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> MONEY!

DeRAY>> WOMEN ALWAYS ASKING ME,

"DID YOU CHEAT?"

WOMEN WANNA KNOW.

"DID YOU CHEAT?

ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?

YOU'RE CHEATING.

YOU'RE CHEATING."

WELL, BITCH, DID I WIN?

DID I WIN?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M CHEATING.

THE RELATION-TRIP.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED.

NOBODY REALLY WANNA BE IN ONE--

THEN WHY YOU FALL IN LOVE?

WHAT'S LOVE?

FORGET LOVE.

FALL IN LIKE.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN LIKE,

YOU DO THE SAME THING YOU DO

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY.

YOU GO PLACES.

YOU HAVE FUN.

YOU LAY TOGETHER.

YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF.

YOU CAN FAKE LIKE I LOVE YOU.

I-- I-- I--

YOU JUST DON'T SAY THE OTHER

WORD.

SAME AMOUNT OF LETTERS,

LESS STRESS, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

THEN YOU GET IN A RELATIONSHIP.

AND YOU MOVE IN WITH THE PERSON.

NOW YOU ALL LIVE TOGETHER.

AND THEN MEN, YOU ACCEPT THIS

STRESS.

YOU'RE SAYING, "EH.

I'M GONNA LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN."

SO, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER.

NOW YOU GOTTA ACCEPT THE

RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIVING WITH

YOUR WOMAN.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CURFEW?

YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS MAN.

BUT YOU'VE GOT A CURFEW

'CAUSE YOU LIVE WITH YOUR WOMAN.

SO NOW YOU'RE OUT WITH YOUR

BOYS.

NOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH

EVERY OTHER MINUTE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE GONNA TALK TO EVERYBODY

IN HERE, HUH?

NOW YOU GET IN YOUR RIDE,

AND YOU GO HOME.

AND NOW YOU'VE GOT TO SNEAK IN

YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOUR HOUSE.

YOU PULL UP.

YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF LIKE A

DRIVE-BY.

YOU GET OUT.

YOU CREEP UP TO THE DOOR.

AND THIS IS WHAT I DO.

I'M REAL SLICK.

I STICK MY THUMB THROUGH

THE KEYHOLE, GRAB THE REST OF

THE KEYS SO THEY DON'T MAKE

NO NOISE.

TURN IT, AND SNEAK IN THE DOOR.

AND AS SOON AS I GET IN

THE HOUSE, I TAKE OFF ALL MY

CLOTHES, AND LAY ON THE GROUND.

SO THAT WAY, NO MATTER WHEN SHE

COME OUT, I BE LIKE--

"I WAS SLEEPING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE BIGGEST PART TO ME

OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP--

IF YOU'RE A JEALOUS MAN,

FORGET BEING JEALOUS.

IF I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

I'M GLAD SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'M NOT NO JEALOUS MAN.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE JEALOUS.

I FEEL LIKE THE THINGS ANOTHER

MAN CAN DO FOR YOU; HE CAN'T DO

FOR YOU WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

SO, WHY AM I GONNA BE JEALOUS?

LIKE A LOT OF THESE MEN OUT

HERE, THEY GET MAD IF YOU WANNA

BUY THEIR GIRLFRIEND A DRINK.

WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE

ALCOHOL IS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HUH?

NO, NO, NO.

NO, NOT DeRAY.

I WISH MY WOMAN WOULD WALK UP

TALKING ABOUT SOME--

"DeRAY, DeRAY."

"WHAT?

WHAT?"

"HE WANNA BUY ME A DRINK."

"WELL, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME

BEFORE YOU MESS IT UP."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND BEFORE SHE GET CLOSE, I SAY,

"GET ME A LONG ISLAND."

AND I WALK AWAY.

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY.

ON A LITTLE RETTA INFORMATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT GIVES ME A RUSH?

METHAMPHETAMINES.

(LAUGHTER)

NO.

BARBITURATES.

I'M KIDDING.

NO.

I LOVE WHEN I GET A PIECE OF

MAIL, AND ABOVE MY NAME IT SAYS,

"YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN APPROVED."

(SIGHS)

I AM TELLING YOU--

PRE-APPROVAL.

IS THAT NOT SUCH SWEET,

SWEET SERENDIPITY?

FOR ME, THAT'S LIKE THE PERFECT

HIT.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I GET THAT

NATURAL HIGH.

YOU KNOW, I LIKEN IT TO THAT

FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND

AN ANONYMOUS LOVE LETTER OR AN

UNEXPECTED VALENTINE'S DAY CARD.

YOU KNOW, THAT FEELING OF,

♪ I'M SPECIAL

♪ I'M WANTED

UM, MUCH TO MY DISMAY,

I AM WANTED BY SEVERAL

COLLECTION AGENCIES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

UH-HUH.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

UNFORTUNATELY, CITIBANK WANTS ME

TO GIVE THEIR MONEY BACK.

SO AS ONE MIGHT SUSPECT,

AFTER APPROVAL COMES DENIAL.

LET ME PAINT THE PICTURE.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO OUT

TO DINNER, AND AFTER THE MEAL

YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE BATTLE FOR

THE CHECK?

YOU KNOW THE ONE I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

LIKE, "I GOT IT."

"NO, NO, NO, GIRL.

I GOT IT."

"NO, NO, GIRL, YOU GOT IT LAST

TIME."

"NO, BUT YOU PAID FOR THE MOVIES

AND THE REFRESHMENTS."

I'M LIKE, "NO, GIRL, BUT I OWE

YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY."

"OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

YOU PAY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN!"

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT SHE'D PUT UP

MORE OF A FIGHT.

SO, BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE YOU

WON.

OR DID YOU?

YOU HAND THE WAITRESS YOUR CARD.

AND JUST AS SHE WALKS OFF,

YOU GET THAT SINKING FEELING

IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME YOU MADE A PAYMENT

ON THAT CARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OR EVEN WORSE, YOU REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME YOU TRIED TO MAKE

A PAYMENT ON THAT CARD 'CAUSE

THE BANK SENT YOU A LITTLE NOTE

THAT SAID YOUR FUNDS WAS

INSUFFICIENT.

SO NOW YOU'RE SWEATING.

YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON

THE CONVERSATION AT THE TABLE

'CAUSE YOU'RE STEADY WATCHING

HER TRY TO RUN YOUR CARD.

AND THEN IT HAPPENS.

THE THING YOU FEARED THE MOST.

SHE TRIES TO RUN YOUR CARD

AGAIN.

OOH.

AND FOR JUST A MOMENT YOU THINK,

"MAYBE IT'S THE STRIP."

BUT IT AIN'T THE STRIP.

HER EFFORTS ARE FUTILE, IS WHAT

I'M SAYING.

(APPLAUSE)

A FEW CAUCASIAN MALES IN THE

AUDIENCE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU.

AS A BLACK WOMAN, I FEEL IT IS

MY DUTY TO IMPART SOME

INFORMATION ON YOU.

A VERITABLE PSA, IF YOU WILL.

AS A COLORED GIRL--

YEAH, I SAID IT.

IF I NEVER HEAR ANOTHER WHITE

BOY SAY, "YOU GO GIRL," IT'LL BE

TOO SOON.

KILL IT!

KILL THAT NOISE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT,

COULD YOU NOT RAISE THE ROOF

AT ME?

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL

ME I'M THE BOMB.

I KNOW THIS.

I'M JUST SAYING.

I'M--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M A HATER.

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I'M A HATER.