Wednesday, August 12, 2015

  • 08/12/2015

Michelle Buteau, Moshe Kasher and Doug Benson spy on children's web histories, come up with #HipHopMovies and imagine working with the Olsen twins.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

ONE OF THE NEW FEATURES OFWINDOWS 10 IS THAT IT SPIES ON

YOUR CHILDREN AND SENDS YOUREPORTS OF THEIR ONLINE

ACTIVITY I GUESS BECAUSE THEN.S.A. IS JUST SUPER SLAMMED

THIS TIME OF YEAR.

SO WHEN IT'S NOT CRASHING ORFREEZING, THE NEW WINDOWS WILL

SEND YOU DETAILED WEEKLYDOSSIERS ON WHAT WEB SITES YOUR

KIDS VISIT AND HOW LONG THEYSPEND ONLINE, BECAUSE WHO HAS

THE TIME TO JUST TURN THEIRGODDAMN COMPUTERS OFF AND TALK

TO THEIR KIDS LIKE THEY'RE HUMANBEINGS?

BORING.

COMEDIANS, PUTTING ASIDE FOR AMOMENT HOW CREEPY IT IS FOR A

MAJOR CORPORATION TO SPY ONCHILDREN, WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU

DO NOT WANT TO READ ON YOURKID'S WINDOWS 10 REPORT?

DOUG BENSON.

>> I SAW DADDY KISSING SANTACLAUS ON THE DICK.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET GOODPRESENTS FOR YOU KIDS THIS YEAR.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MOSHE?

>> SISTER POISON.

>> I AM GLAD I'M THE ONLY CHILD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> WHO IS THIS ASHLEY MADISONPERSON DAD KEEPS GOOGLING?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS!

>> SO FRIENDLY.

>> CHRIS: MOVING ON.

REDDITOR "TACITRY" POSTED THISPHOTO OF A BAR IN THAILAND

CALLED "GOLF BAR COCKTAILS VERYSTRONG

WE DO NOT CHECK I.D. CARD ANDRESTAURANT."

COME ON, THAILAND!

THAILAND, WE KNOW YOU DON'TCHECK I.D. CARD.

IT'S WHERE YOU GO TO BUY WHITERHINO HORN TO CURE YOUR

IMPOTENCE AND HAVE SEX WITHUNDER-AGED PROSTITUTES.

OH, ALSO I LOVE YOUR ICED TEA.>> I GO THERE FOR THE GOLF.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, SINCE THEREARE FEWER RULES IN THAILAND THAN

THERE ARE IN CHARLIE SHEEN'S HOTTUB, WHAT ARE SOME OTHER BAD

NEWS CLAIMS THAT THIS RESTAURANTMIGHT PUT ON THEIR SIGN?

MOSHE KASHER.

>> LADIES GET IN HALF PRICE.

LADIES GET OUT AFTER THEY WORKOFF THE OTHER HALF IN HANDJOBS.

>> OH MY GOD.

THAT GOT SO REAL.

>> I'M COMMENTING ON THE REALITYOF SEX TRAFFICKING.

>> CHRIS: HE'S JUST COMMENTINGON THE REALITY.

DOUG BENSON.

>> PETS WELCOME AND SERVED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> I MEAN, THEY GET AN AREAWHERE THEY SERVE THEM.

>> CHRIS: THEY BRING FOOD TO THEPETS.

THE PETS ARE EATING OTHER PETS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR"#HASHTAGWARS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE N.W.A BIOPIC "STRAIGHT

OUTTA COMPTON" HITS THEATERSTHIS WEEKEND.

AND BY THE WAY, LAST I CHECKED,90% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES.

SO I THINK YOU SHOULD PROBABLYGO SEE IT.

AND TO PROMOTE IT THEY LAUNCHEDA "STRAIGHT OUTTA" MEME

GENERATOR THAT THE INTERNETDICKED AROUND WITH IN TYPICAL

INTERNET FASHION.

WE GOT A LITTLE "STRAIGHT OUTTADA LITTERBOX."

>> YEAH!

>> Chris: "STRAIGHT OUTTADEGRASSI" RIGHT THERE.

( APPLAUSE )>> THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE,

"STRAIGHT OUT OF MADONNA'SMOUTH."

OOOH!

>> CHRIS: AND MORE IMPORTANTLY"STRAIGHT OUTTA HOGWARTS."

>> KNOW YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC.

WHEN HARRY POTTER GETS A BIGGERAPPLAUSE THANNA DRAKE, YOU'VE

GOT THE RIGHT DEMO.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS THE RIGHTDEMOGRAPHIC.

GOLDEN SNITCHES GET GOLDENSTITCHES.

>> ROLLING DOWN THE STREETSMOKING INOS, SIPPING ON

BUTTERBEER.

WITH MY MIND ON MY GRINGOTTS ANDMY GRINGOTTS ON MY MIND.

>> MOVE, QUIDDITCH!

GET OUT THE WAY!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Chris: IN HONOR OF THE MOVIETHAT LAUNCHED A MILLION MEMES,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:#HIPHOPMOVIES. ALTHOUGH

IT PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEENHARRY POTTER HIP-HOP.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "PUFF DADDYDAYCARE," OR "2PACALYPSE NOW."

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO. MOSHE.

>> 12 YEARS A FLAV.

>> CHRIS: DOUG.

>> A MILLION WAYS TO DIE INKANYE WEST.

>> SUGE KNIGHT AT THE MUSEUM.

>> CHRIS: DOUG BENSON.

>> NATIONAL LAMPOON'SLUDACRIS-MAS VACATION.

>> THE E-40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> MUST LOVE SNOOP DOGGS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> LORD OF THE BLING!

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> DIAL EMINEM FOR MURDER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> I CAN'T.

SAY THAT AGAIN.

YOU SOUND LIKE A MOVIEFONE.

>> HELLO, AND THANK YOU FORCALLING MOVIEFONE.

IF YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THEMOVIE YOU'D LIKE TO SEE, PRESS 1

NOW.

YOU HAVE SELECTED "2 SHORT,2 FURIOUS."

>> CHRIS: MICHELLE.

>> LIL WAYNE'S WORLD.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. PERFECT.

>> METHOD MAN OF LA MANCHA.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "GO MEDIEVAL."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE LOS ANGELES COUNTY MUSEUM OF

ART IS USING SNAPCHAT TO CONNECTWITH MILLENNIALS, PAIRING

CLASSIC ARTWORKS WITH MODERNCAPTIONS SUCH AS THIS

RENAISSANCE NEG.

RIGHT THERE.

COMEDIANS, I'LL SHOW YOU AMEDIEVAL PAINTING FROM THE

"WHIMSICAL WONDERS OF MEDIEVALART" TUMBLR.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GIVE ME ASNAPCHAT CAPTION.

FIRST ONE, THIS AWKWARDEXECUTION.

MOSHE.

>> THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN THEYCUT OFF THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE

HOSTS OF ANGELS OF THE LORD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MS. BUTEAU.

( APPLAUSE )>> GIRL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT

WHEN I SAID "GIVE ME HEAD."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> GIRL.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THIS PUBLICDISPLAY OF LEWDNESS.

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING THERE?

OH, NO!

MOSHE.

>> IF YOU THOUGHT DICK PICS WEREBAD, CHECK OUT DICK PORTRAITS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PERFECT.

MICHELLE.

>> WHEN YOU NAPPING BUT YOURDICK AWAKE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

>> I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

>> WHAT GAME ISHAPPENING HERE RIGHT NOW?

IF I FIND IT, I WILL JERK IT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> THIS MEDIEVAL GAME OF PIN THEDICK ON THE DEAD GUY.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THIS MACABREMAULING.

DOUG.

>> IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'RESEEN THEM MAUL.

>> CHRIS: OH, GODDAMMIT.

>> GIVE IT, GIVE IT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YOU'RE GETTINGYOUR POINTS.

SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

>> GIVE IT TO ME.

GIVE IT TO ME GOOD.

>> WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES ISGOLDILOCKS?

I WANT MY PORRIDGE BACK!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT ONE IN THE MIDDLE TASTESJUST RIGHT.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THISDEPICTION OF SATAN AND CHRIST?

>> OH, GOD.

>> CHRIS: DOUG.

>> THAT'S ONE OF THE BEST SCENESFROM "DIRTY DANCING."

>> OH, MY GOD! BUT IT IS. JESUSIS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.

>> CHRIS: ♪ I HAD THE TIMEOF MY CHRIST ♪

>> NOBODY PUTS JESUS IN A CORNER.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

>> CHRIS: NOBODY PUTS BABY JESUSIN THE CORNER. MOSHE.

>> SATAN, GET THEE BEHIND ME.

NOTHING?

OH, ZERO.

NEVER BEFORE HAS A JOKE FAILEDSO COLOSSALLY ON THIS SHOW.

I FEEL LIKE I DESERVE DOUBLEPOINTS.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T THINK THAT'SHOW THAT WORKS.

>> WHEN I SAW THIS, ALL I HEARDWAS LIKE, "WE ARE ( BLEEP )."

>> CHRIS: IS THAT-->> I WANT TO ( BLEEP ) YOU,

JESUS.

>> I'M SORRY, MY INCREDIBLYSPECIFIC BIBLICAL REFERENCE GOT

NOTHING, BUT "WE GO ( BLEEP )"GOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK?

>> YES, BECAUSE IT'S REAL. ITSPEAKS TO THE PEOPLE.

I SHOULD GET DOUBLE POINTS FORJUST SAYING ( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: YES, 100 POINTS TOMICHELLE.

NEXT ONE, WHAT ABOUT THISTWO-MAN CARRY?

>> YOU ALWAYS GET THE MOUTH END.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> I HOPE SOME DAY THEY STARTMAKING SEX DOLLS OUT OF

SOMETHING OTHER THAN STONE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOW ABOUT THIS CROSS-SPECIESKISS RIGHT HERE?

MOSHE.

>> IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT WEIRDMONK AND ANTHROPOMORPHIZED

BOBCAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. DOUG.

>> CAT MAN DON'T.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT KIM KAR-YOU-KNOW-WHO

GETTING INTO SOME HOT LEGALWATER BY SHILLING FOR A DRUG

WITHOUT WARNING PEOPLE ABOUT THEPOSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS-- "I'M KIM

KARDASHIAN.

I HAVE SPIDERS FOR EYES.

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE SPIDEREYES."

AND I ASKED YOU TO PROMOTE YOURFAVORITE DRUG, SIDE EFFECTS AND

ALL.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU'RE ON!

MOSHE KASHER, LET'S START WITHYOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> CHRIS: MICHELLE BUTEAU.

>> CHRIS: NICE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: WHAT'S IN YOUR BLOOD,

DOUG BENSON?

IT'S TIME FOR "DOUBLE DOUBLETOIL AND TROUBLE."

A FORMER INTERN OF MARY-KATE ANDASHLEY OLSEN'S COMPANY HAS FILED

A LAWSUIT AGAINST THEM, CLAIMINGSHE WORKED 50-HOUR WEEKS UNDER

HORRIBLE CONDITIONS.

HEY, GUYS, CUT IT OUT!

THE INTERN CLAIMED, AMONG OTHERTHINGS, THAT SHE HAD TO GO TO

THE HOSPITAL FOR DEHYDRATIONAFTER CARRYING 50 POUNDS OF

TRENCHCOATS IN 100-DEGREEWEATHER, LIKE YOU DO.

AND THAT WAS JUST FOR ONE OFMARY-KATE'S "SUMMER FRIDAY"

OUTFITS.

IT MAY NOT BE GLAMOROUS SLAVINGFOR TWO POCKET WITCHES, BUT AT

LEAST IT GOES ON YOUR RESUME.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMETERRIFYING RESPONSIBILITIES

YOU'D LIST ON YOUR LINKEDINPROFILE FROM YOUR TIME AS AN

OLSEN INTERN?

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

DOUG BENSON.

>> LEARNING TO KNOW WHICH ONE ISASHLEY AND WHICH ONE IS NOT

ASHLEY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> FIND SOME OLD FRENCH DUDESTHEY CAN MARRY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. DOUG.

>> GETTING THEM DOWN WHEN THEYGET STUCK IN A TREE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> TUCKING THEM INTO THEIRCOFFINS AT NIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> GIVE THEM THEIR HOURLY BOTOXINJECTIONS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> RENEWING DAVE COULIER'SRESTRAINING ORDER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> YOU HAVE TO WATCH ALL OFTHEIR STRAIGHT TO VHS MOVIES

INCLUDE "PASSPORT TO PARIS."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RECALLED, DOUG?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> CHRIS: GOOD ANSWER.

MICHELLE.

>> CHEW UP ALL THEIR FOOD ANDFEED IT TO THEM MAMA BIRD STYLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> 24-HOUR SAGET WATCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.