Secret Santa

  • Season 6, Ep 14
  • 07/01/2009

What were those strange lights in the desert? Who are these new Reno Sheriff's Department deputies?

¡COCO RICO! ¡COCO RICO!

AQUI EN KPBA 102.0.

THE CERO IS SILENT.

WE ARE RENO'S NUMBER-ONESPANISH-SPEAKING RADIO STATION,

AND WE'RE HERE WITHTHE RENO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

RENO SHERIFF,¿CÓMO TE VAN?

MUCHA GRACIAS,CHUPACABRA!

Y GRACIAS POR HAVINGUS ON THE SHOW.

THANKS FOR HAVING US.

WE JUST WANT TOANNOUNCE TO ALL OF YOURLISTENERS OUT THERE

THAT IT'SBICYCLE SAFETY WEEK.

IF YOU COME DOWNTO THE RENO SHERIFF'SDEPARTMENT THIS SATURDAY,

WE'RE GIVING COUPONSFOR $4.00 OFF

ANY BIKE HELMETIN THE AREA.

[SNORING]

WELL, IT IS SUPER IMPORTANT,THOUGH, SO COME ON--

WHAT WAS THAT?THAT WAS A BIGSLEEPING BECAUSE

OF YOUR BORINGTALKING.

[SNORING]

YEAH. IT MAY NOT BETHE MOST EXCITING THINGIN THE WORLD,

BUT I THINK EVERYBODYAPPRECIATES BIKE SAFETY.

YOU KNOW WHAT'SEXCITING? RACE WARS!

KA KA KA KA KA KA KAKA KA KA KA KA KA KAKA KA KA!

NO, NO, NO, NO.RACE CARS.

TIME FORA COMMERCIAL BREAK.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I KNOW.[SPEAKS SPANISH]

YO VOY CON PISTOLA,SÍ, PING-PINGCUANDO SE VAN.

¿DESDE AL FRENTE?NO. AL BEHIND. SÍ.

I'M GOINGTO KILL THEM.

AM I CRAZY? YOU SAIDYOU'RE GONNA SHOOT US

WITH A GUN WHEN WE LEAVE.

NAH. THAT'SJUST SPANISH.

IT'S A JOKE.

THAT'SAN EXPRESSION.

I WOULD NOT SHOOTYOU FROM BEHIND

COMO UN COBARDE,A COWARD.

NO. I WILL SHOOT YOUFROM THE FRONT.

AND WE'RE BACK ONTHE AIR HAVING FUN.

¡COCO RICO! ¡COCO RICO!¡COCO RICO! ¡COCO RICO!

HOW MUCH?$400,000.

400,000? $400,000?

I CAN GO BUYA CASTLE IN FRANCE.

HO HO.OH, RIGHT?

OK.OK.

Woman: FREEZE!NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH!

COME ON. GET YOURHANDS IN THE AIR.

Franky: RENO SHERIFF'SDEPARTMENT.

DO YOU MIND PUTTINGTHE GUNS DOWN...

CAN WE JUST PUTTHE GUNS DOWN?

AND WE CAN JUST GETTO BUSINESS?

WE COULD GO CHECKOUT THIS HOUSEOVER HERE.

WE'RE JUST TRYING TODO OUR JOB, MA'AM.

JUST PUTTHE GUN DOWN.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU SHOULD GO BACKINTO YOUR CAR,

AND YOU SHOULD GO BACKTO THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

LET'S GETIN OUR CAR,AND LET'S GO BACK

TO THE SHERIFF'SDEPARTMENT.

DID YOU LEAVE YOUR BALLSAT THE STATION HOUSE?

YOU'VE GOT A GATE.WHY DO YOUHAVE 150 GUNS HERE?

BECAUSE WE HAVEA VERY LOW WALL.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[ALARM BLARING]

FREEZE! FREEZE!FREEZE! NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH!

NO, NO, NO!YOU DON'TSAY FREEZE!

YOU DON'T SAY FREEZE!WE SAY FREEZE!

FREEZE! NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH!

YOU DON'T SAY FREEZE!WE SAY FREEZE!

FREEZE, YOU [BLEEP]!

GODDAMN IT!

Man: GET THE [BLEEP]OFF MY LAWN!

[GUNSHOTS]

HEY! JESUS!

Different man:FREEZE! NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH!

OH, MY GOD! DAMN IT!

[GUNFIRE, ALARMS BLARING]

WHO THE HELLARE THESE PEOPLE?

MAN, I DON'T KNOW.I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THISNEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE.

JESUS! OH, GOD.

JESUS.HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

THE KEYS. GIVE MEYOUR CAR KEYS.

I'LL BE RIGHTBACK FOR YOU.

GO.

AAH! AAH!AAH! AAH! AAH!

THIS ISA GATED COMMUNITY.

HE'S COME BACK!

GO, GO, GO, GO!

Man: YOU FORGOTTHE STEREO, ASS[BLEEP].

UH-UH, UH-UH, UH-UH, UH-UH.EASY, VEST. BYE-BYE.

YOU HAVE NOTHINGTO SAY HERE.ANDREW--

HE'S NOT THE ISSUE.THE ISSUE IS ME, OK?

I COME INTO CAPTAIN CRABBY,ONE, FOR QUALITY,

TWO, FOR MY BABY,MY GIRLFRIEND,MY SWEET LOVE.

IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.

ALL I WANT WASTO BRING HER

TO AN EXPENSIVE DINNERAND HAVE THEM SING

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY,"AND THEY SAID NO.

ALL OF THESE PEOPLEHERE ARE JEALOUS.

CALM DOWN. HUSH.CAN I--CAN I ASKYOU SOMETHING?

YES. PLEASE. PLEASE,PLEASE ASK ME A QUESTION.

I'M GONNA ASKYOU THE SIMPLESTQUESTION.

YES. PLEASE.

IS THIS A SEX DOLL?

YES. STATE LAW SAYS THATA RESTAURANT MUST SING

"BIRTHDAY" DESPITE RACE,CREED, COLOR, INANIMATE.

HOW MUCH DID YOUSPEND ON THIS THING?

$17,000.

17,000?OH, MY GOD.

IT WAS WORTH IT.IT WAS WORTH IT.

IT WAS WORTH 17--

SOON AS YOU GET IN THIS,NEVER GOT BACK TO HUMAN.

DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.DON'T DO THIS.DON'T DO THAT.

OH, OK. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?OH, HEY, GESTURE POLICE,

I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT.YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP.

I CAN DO THIS.BUP, BUP, BUP.

NOPE. NO!I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

IF YOU GETTHE CAPTAIN CRABBY SHRIMP--

BIRTHDAY SHRIMPFOR A SONG,

THEN, YES, I WILLBE SATISFIED.

JUST WANT TO GO TO LUNCH.

Williams and Jack:♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUE ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUE ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUE ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUE ♪

AH, SEE? THAT'S NICE.SEE? WHAT?

UH-OH. SHE'S SAID I CAN GODOWN ON HER.

HERE? OK, BABY. OK.

NO, NO. GET HIM.

WHAT? OH, COME ON NOW.COME ON!

ANDREW, THAT'S IT.

I [BLEEP] HATE THIS PLACE.LET'S GO, SARGE.

[MEN YELLING]

[PUNCHING]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[CLANG]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[CRASH]

YEAH.

[BLEEP].

[BLEEP] YOU!

[GUNSHOTS]

HAH CHA CHA CHA CHACHA CHA. OK, OK, OK.

Jones: HO! SHERIFF'SDEPARTMENT.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO COOLTHE [BLEEP] OUT!

SORRY, MA'AM. WISHWE COULD'VE MADE IT HEREIN TIME FOR THE ACTION.

YOU, GET THE [BLEEP]OUT OF MY BAR!

AAH! AAH!

YES, SIR. YES.

OK. YOUR TAG CHECKSOUT THERE.

I GOT THE TAPEFROM THE SURVEILLANCE VIDEO.

George: I INSTALLEDTHIS WHOLE THING HERE

LAST TIME THISHAPPENED, SO--

IS THAT THAT CAMERARIGHT UP THERE?

YES, SIR.

OK. HE GETS UPON THIS COUNTER?

YES, SIR.THAT'S THIS COUNTER.

THAT IS THISTABLE RIGHT HERE.

HE'S UNDOINGHIS PANTS THERE.

[MAN ON TV URINATING]

IT'S EVIDENCE,I GUESS, NOW.

YEAH.

OH, YOU WANT TO MAYBEPUT IT IN ONE CUP.

PUT IT ALL IN ONE CUP,AND THEN WE'LL JUST SEND IT

STRAIGHT TO THE LAB. OK.

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