Theobald, Dixon, Koenig, Kremer

  • Season 7, Ep 711
  • 01/16/2004

Marc Theobald describes his patriotic neighbors, Pat Dixon's coworkers give him a nickname, Danielle Koenig tries on bathing suits, and Howard Kremer trips on acid.

MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM

SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GET A HOT SLICE OF PIZZA,

YOU LEAVE IT IN THE TRUNK OF

YOUR CAR.

YOU WAIT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

FIVE, TEN MINUTES, AND A HUNGRY

MIDGET WILL COME WADDLING BY,

RIGHT?

HE'S SNIFFING, HE'S SMELLING, HE

GETS A WHIFF OF THE PIZZA RIGHT?

AND STARTS TO FREAK OUT,

HE'LL TRY TO CLIMB UP INTO THE

TRUNK BUT THEIR ARMS ARE SHORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO FINALLY HE DIVES IN THERE

AND HE STARTS TO GORGE HIMSELF

ON THE PIZZA.

MMM!

NOW AS THEY'RE EATING,

THEY ACTUALLY BECOME QUITE

DOCILE, OKAY.

YOU CAN PET THEM, STROKE THEM,

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO,

JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY GET

DOWN TO THE CRUST.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BECOME

DANGEROUS AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SLAM THE TRUNK

SHUT AND CONGRATULATIONS,

NEW YORK CITY YOU GOT YOURSELF

A MIDGET.

WHOO!

SO, AH, I LIKE TO PARTY.

[CHEERING]

YOU PARTY, NEW YORK CITY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME I WAS DOING SOME ACID,

RIGHT, AND, UH, YOU'VE HEARD

ABOUT IT NEW YORK CITY?

YEAH?

AND, UH, I WANTED TO CALL

MY FRIEND BUT I DIALED THE WRONG

NUMBER AND I GOT THE HOSPITAL.

I GOT THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT.

THE LADY ANSWERS THE PHONE,

"ICU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE YOU, TOO.

GOING ON.

WHITE FOLK, I WANT Y'ALL TO STOP

GOING TO OTHER COUNTRIES,

ALRIGHT?

STAY HERE, DAMN IT.

I'M SO TIRED OF Y'ALL GETTING

KIDNAPPED.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK FOLK, WE DON'T LEAVE

THE COUNTRY, WE GO DOWN TO

MISSISSIPPI, WHEN WE WANT TO

LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S BLACK PEOPLE IN MISSISSIPPI

DON'T EVEN DON'T THEY FREE YET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU BETTER STOP READING LIKE

THAT, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKIN' ABOUT?"

NO POINT IN TAKING BLACK FOLKS

HOSTAGE 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GETTING

NO DAMN MONEY, YOU...

YOU WILL JUST BE PRACTICING.

"WE HAVE YOUR SON AND HE WILL

NOT COME HOME UNLESS WE GET

$3 MILLION."

"WELL, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

LOOK HERE, SON.

YOU KNOW I DON'T GET PAID

TO THE 15th.

SEE IF, AH...

SEE IF, AH...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY KIDS SO BAD,

MY MOMMA WON'T EVEN KEEP

MY KIDS.

YOU KNOW YOUR KID'S IS BAD WHEN

YOUR MOMMA GO, "NO, AIN'T NO WAY

IN HELL.

IF YOU DROP THAT LITTLE HOOKER

OFF, DROP OFF SOME BAIL MONEY,

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

I...

THEY ALL DO STUFF, MAN,

AND I'M JEALOUS OF MY KIDS.

ANYBODY...

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

WITH KIDS?

THEY GOT MORE STUFF THAN WE DID.

WE'S GROWING UP WE DIDN'T HAVE

NONE OF THE STUFF THEY...

KIDS GET TO WALK IN A ROOM

AND EXPRESS THEIR OPINION NOW.

WHEN WE WAS GROWIN' UP,

IF GROWN FOLK WAS IN THERE

TALKIN', YOU COULDN'T SAY

(BLEEP)!

MEMBER THAT EVERYONE?

"SHUT UP!

IT'S GROWN FOLK IN HERE

TALKIN'."

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU GROWN

FOLK KNOW THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOPE Y'ALL TALKIN' ABOUT

HOW TO DROP AND ROLL THIS JOINT

GOING DOWN.

I'M GONNA BE IN THE FRONT YARD

NOT SAYING A DAMN THING TO THE

FIRE DEPARTMENT, HOW ABOUT THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CALL IT LIKE THEY SEE IT.

AMERICAN MEN DON'T THAT.

AMERICAN MEN ARE VERY P.C.

LIKE AMERICAN MAN SEE A SKINNY

WOMAN, DON'T KNOW HER NAME,

WHAT'S AN AMERICAN MAN GONNA DO?

"HEY, SLIM, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

VERY P.C.

A WEST INDIAN MAN SEE A SKINNY

WOMAN, DON'T KNOW HER NAME,

HE WILL CALL IT LIKE HE SEE IT.

THIS IS A WEST INDIAN MAN,

SKINNY WOMAN.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

HUNGRY GIRL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HUNGRY GIRL!

GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY,

DON'T DENY YOURSELF THE PLEASURE

GIRL.

I'VE GOT A SPECIAL BEEF PATTY

FOR YOU, NO?

OH, YOU GONNA KEEP WALKIN'?

ALRIGHT, YEAH.

THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING,

EVERYTHING'S IN EXCESS IN THIS

COUNTRY.

EVEN KIDS NOW.

PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE KIDS,

THEY, WHAT DO THEY DO, FERTILITY

PILLS.

INSTEAD OF HAVING ONE KID,

YOU'RE HAVING SIX KIDS.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE

NO LITTER.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH

THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU GOT THE WHOLE FIRST GRADE,

THAT'S WRONG.

MY COUSIN, HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE

A KID, HE SAID, "I'M A TAKE

FERTILITY PILLS."

HAD FIVE KIDS-- QUINTUPLETS.

WASN'T READY FOR IT THOUGH.

HE WAS HAPPY AT FIRST,

IT WAS LIKE, "MR. WILLIAMS,

IT'S A BOY."

"OH, PRAISE DUE ALLAH!

FOR MY LOVELY BEAUTIFUL

VIVACIOUS WIFE HAS BEGOTTEN ME

A SEED TO CARRY ON THE MIGHTY

NAME WILLIAMS."

"WE ARE TRULY BLESSED!"

"MR. WILLIAMS, IT'S ANOTHER

BOY."

"OH, PRAISE DUE ALLAH,

FOR MY LOVELY BEAUTIFUL

VIVACIOUS AND MOST FERTILE WIFE

HAS BEGOTTEN ME A SECOND SEED

TO CARRY ON THE MIGHTY NAME,

WILLIAMS.

WE ARE TRULY BLESSED."

"MR. WILLIAMS, IT'S ANOTHER

BOY."

"OH, WOMAN, WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I GOT THREE JOBS

AS IT IS, I'LL TELL WHAT,

GET YOUR LEGS OUT THE STIRRUPS,

AND GET YOUR COAT, 'CAUSE WE

LEAVING (BLEEP) DAMN IT!

NO, GET YOUR COAT, WE LEAVIN'!

YO, THAT'S MY TIME.

RECENTLY AND IT'S REALLY NOT

A FUN THING FOR ANY WOMAN TO DO,

I DON'T THINK BUT LET ME QUICKLY

EXPLAIN MY BODY.

I HAVE REALLY LONG LEGS,

BUT THEN NO DISCERNIBLE TORSO.

NO.

I AM LIKE HUMPTY DUMPTY.

[LAUGHTER]

IS IT A BELT OR A CRAVAT,

NOBODY KNOWS?

SO I WENT TO TRY ON THE BATHING

SUIT AND IT WAS A TWO-PIECE.

AND I WAS LIKE, I GUESS THIS

LOOKS OKAY, BUT THEN REMEMBER,

NO TORSO, I WENT LIKE THIS...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE IT

OVER HERE?

I WENT LIKE THIS...

YEAH, AND IT WAS A ONE PIECE,

SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA HAVE A FUNDRAISER TO

TRY TO GET MYSELF A NEW TORSO.

SO A FRIEND OF MINE RECENTLY GOT

A TATTOO, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS

REALLY COOL 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE

THE GUTS TO DO IT MYSELF.

AND I ASKED HER WHAT SHE GOT,

SHE SAID SHE GOT A GECKO LIZARD.

AND I WAS LIKE, WELL,

THAT'S PRETTY COOL AND I ASKED

HER WHERE SHE GOT IT.

SHE TOLD ME SHE GOT IT ON HER

VAGINA.

Audience Member: EEEW!

Danielle Koenig: EEEW IS RIGHT,

THEATER LADY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SAID, WHY?

WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD

YOU DO SUCH A THING?

AND SHE SAID, "WELL, MEN FIND IT

SEXY."

OKAY, IF YOU'RE AT THE POINT

WHERE A MAN IS LOOKING AT YOUR

NAKED GENITALS, GUESS WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD FOR YOU, ENJOY THAT,

ENJOY YOUR FIANCEE.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING 'CAUSE

YOU DON'T HAVE IT LONG AND THEN

YOU HAVE A, AH, SPOUSE,

IS WHAT YOU HAVE AFTER THAT.

I'M ON MY SECOND SPOUSE.

YEAH.

MY FIRST WIFE LEFT ME BECAUSE I

WAS A DISHWASHER.

WHICH WAS A GOOD JOB FOR ME,

I WAS THE ONLY WHITE GUY WORKING

IN THAT RESTAURANT.

EVERYBODY ELSE WORKING THERE WAS

BLACK WHICH WAS REALLY COOL

FOR ME 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I ALWAYS

WANTED A NICKNAME, RIGHT,

WHICH A...

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, SURE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR COWORKERS

WILL COME UP WITH A NICKNAME FOR

YOU RIGHT.

USUALLY IT'S LIKE A DERIVATIVE

OF YOUR NAME, RIGHT?

WELL, MY NAME'S PAT, RIGHT?

SO THEY ALL CALLED ME SNOWFLAKE,

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'D LAUGH AND LAUGH.

I WASN'T QUITE AS TAN AS I WAS

THEN ACTUALLY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THEN I READ IN A MAGAZINE,

RIGHT, I READ IN A MAGAZINE

IF YOU WANT TO MEET NEW WOMEN,

YOU SHOULD HANG OUT WITH A BUDDY

OF YOURS WHO IS LESS DESIRABLE

THAN YOURSELF.

I'M A RECENTLY DIVORCED

DISHWASHER NAMED SNOWFLAKE,

ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

FRANKLY, THEY'RE LESS DESIRABLE

THAN ME, I DON'T WANT TO HANG

OUT WITH THEM, ALRIGHT?

THAT'S MY RULE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO MEET

SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW?

INTERSTATE OFF RAMP I GUESS.

"HEY, YOU WITH THE SIGN GET IN,

WE'RE GONNA MEET SOME LADIES.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

YEAH.

LEAVE THAT CARDBOARD NECKLACE

ON, MAN.

THAT'LL BE YOUR THING.

I'LL GET LAID.

YOU'LL GET A SNACK.

IT'LL BE GREAT."

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORK.

I REALLY DO LOVE THIS CITY.

I'M NOT JUST PANDERING.

I MEAN I AM PANDERING BUT ALSO

I LOVE THIS CITY.

IT'S AWESOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SEE IT'S GREAT.

I ACTUALLY GREW UP IN L.A.

AND MY MOM IS WHAT WE LIKE

TO CALL THEATER PEOPLE.

[CHEERING]

WHICH MEANS, FOR THE

UNINITIATED, THAT SHE WOULD LIKE

TO BE A GAY MAN SO...

[LAUGHTER]

TO GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF HOW

THEATRICAL MY MOTHER IS,

SHE CALLED ME UP ONE DAY

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "DANNY, LISTEN

LET'S HAVE LUNCH."

SO I MET HER AT THE RESTAURANT.

THIS IS HOW SHE GREETED ME

AT THE RESTAURANT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME CITY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE NEVER GET

TO SEE EACH OTHER.

IT WAS ACTUALLY VERY STRANGE

GROWING UP BECAUSE BOTH OF

MY PARENTS ARE ACTORS.

SO THEY WERE ALWAYS WORRIED THAT

WE WOULDN'T CREATE A SCENE SO...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, I CALLED MY FRIEND,

I SAID, "HEY, KEITH YOU WANT

TO GO TO THE MOVIES?"

HE SAID, "GOT ANY POT?"

[LAUGHTER]

HUH, I'M LIKE, "WELL, NO."

HE SAID, "WELL, THERE YOU GO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SAW A MIDGET STRIPPER THE OTHER

DAY, THAT WAS COOL, RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, WAIT THEY

DON'T LIKE THAT WORD, I'M SORRY.

MIDGET DANCER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH WAS AWESOME.

YOU HARDLY EVER SEE A

MIDGET STRIPPER, WHY IS THAT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE MORALLY SUPERIOR

TO US, THE MIDGETS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT

SEXY.

HUH.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE

AFRAID A GUY WILL GET TO DRUNK

AND KIND OF HORNY AND JUST PICK

HER UP AND RUN OFF WITH HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN THAT WILL BE IT.

AND THAT'S WHERE

DR. FRANKENSTEIN REALLY SCREWED

UP TOO 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN

YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS

ABOUT DR. FRANKENSTEIN AND WHERE

HE WENT WRONG, AND I KNOW YOU'VE

HAD THIS CONVERSATION A HUNDRED

TIMES RIGHT.

AND YOU SAY, "WELL, HE SHOULDN'T

HAVE PLAYED GOD, THAT'S IT,

RIGHT?

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TAMPERED WITH

MOTHER NATURE."

NO, HE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE

HIM SO DAMN BIG!

RIGHT?

HE SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH

A LITTLE FRANKENSTEIN.

RIGHT?

JUST A COCKTAIL FRANK, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IF A HOMEMADE MIDGET GOES

BEZERK...

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S KINDA FUNNY.

"OH, LOOK HE'S PISSED!"

THIS GLOVE JUST TOUCHED

D.L. HUGHLEY, GIVE IT UP FOR

THIS GLOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHO'S GONNA GET IT?

GIVE HER A BIG ROUND OF

APPLAUSE.

D.L. HUGHLEY'S GLOVE.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

ALRIGHT.

WELL, I LIVE OUT IN LOS ANGELES

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO NETWORK

WITH SOME OF THE CELEBRITIES

OUT THERE BUT MOST OF THEM DON'T

RETURN MY CALLS.

SO I'VE BEEN WRITING THEM SOME

LETTERS.

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME OF THE

LETTERS?

[CHEERING]

AH-HA.

"DEAR PAMELA ANDERSON...

[LAUGHTER]

GUESS WHAT TWO THINGS ARE NEVER

ON WHEN I WATCH YOU ON

TELEVISION?

THE VOLUME TO THE TV

AND MY PANTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

"PLEASE SEND ME $5,000.

YOUR FAN, HOWIE KREMER."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

"DEAR BEN AFFLECK.

HOW COULD SOMEONE SO BORING

AND BLAND BE SO FAMOUS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE HAD PARAPLEGIC WAITERS

THAT BROUGHT MORE TO THE TABLE."

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

I WROTE J-LO A TELEGRAM.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT?

Audience: YES.

Howard Kremer: ALRIGHT.

"DEAR JAY-LO, STOP."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, THAT'S ALL FOR THE

LETTERS, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY.

I JUST GOT BACK FORM LAS VEGAS.

EVERYBODY IN VEGAS WAS STILL

GIVING ME THAT SAME POST 9-11

SYMPATHETIC LOOK ONCE THEY FOUND

OUT I WAS FROM NEW YORK CITY.

THEY WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE FROM

WHERE?

NEW YORK?

OH, DAMN!

[LAUGHTER]

PHEW!

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS ARE SO PATRIOTIC, MAN.

EVERYBODY OUTSIDE NEW YORK CITY

THINKS THAT NEW YORKERS ARE THE

MOST PATRIOTIC PEOPLE OUT IN THE

COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.

WE ARE NOT.

MOST PATRIOTIC PEOPLE OUT IN THE

COUNTRY RIGHT NOW PROVEN FACT--

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

I LIVE IN BROOKLYN NEW YORK WITH

A BUNCH OF WEST INDIANS,

THEY GOT NO GREEN CARD BUT THEY

GOT AMERICAN FLAGS ON

EVERYTHING!

THEY GOT ONE ON THEY CAR...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DO!

THEY GOT ONE EVERYWHERE,

THEY GOT ONE ON THEIR CAR,

ONE IN THEIR HAND, THEY GOT A

LITTLE FIREMAN'S HELMET ON,

A POLICE WHISTLE WITH RED CROSS

FLIP-FLOPS.

THEY JUST WALK AROUND THE

NEIGHBORHOOD GOING,

"U DA S AND DA A!

U DA S AND DA A!

U DA S AND DA A!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

U DA S AND DA A!

YEAH, YEAH, YUSA, YUSA.

I LOVE THE COUNTRY YUSA.

I LOVE YUSA.

[LAUGHTER]

IN FACT, I PLEDGE MY ALLEGIANCE

TO THE FLAG OF YUSA.

I LOVE THE COUNTRY YUSA."

IT'S U.S.A., "YEAH, CALL IT

WHAT YOU WANT, I'M STAYING,

THAT'S THE POINT I'M TRYING

TO MAKE RIGHT NOW."

"I LOVE YUSA."

BUT I LIKE WEST INDIANS.

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