Theobald, Dixon, Koenig, Kremer

  • Season 7, Ep 711
  • 01/16/2004

Marc Theobald describes his patriotic neighbors, Pat Dixon's coworkers give him a nickname, Danielle Koenig tries on bathing suits, and Howard Kremer trips on acid.

MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM

SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GET A HOT SLICE OF PIZZA,

YOU LEAVE IT IN THE TRUNK OF

YOUR CAR.

YOU WAIT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

FIVE, TEN MINUTES, AND A HUNGRY

MIDGET WILL COME WADDLING BY,

RIGHT?

HE'S SNIFFING, HE'S SMELLING, HE

GETS A WHIFF OF THE PIZZA RIGHT?

AND STARTS TO FREAK OUT,

HE'LL TRY TO CLIMB UP INTO THE

TRUNK BUT THEIR ARMS ARE SHORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO FINALLY HE DIVES IN THERE

AND HE STARTS TO GORGE HIMSELF

ON THE PIZZA.

MMM!

NOW AS THEY'RE EATING,

THEY ACTUALLY BECOME QUITE

DOCILE, OKAY.

YOU CAN PET THEM, STROKE THEM,

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO,

JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY GET

DOWN TO THE CRUST.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BECOME

DANGEROUS AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SLAM THE TRUNK

SHUT AND CONGRATULATIONS,

NEW YORK CITY YOU GOT YOURSELF

A MIDGET.

WHOO!

SO, AH, I LIKE TO PARTY.

[CHEERING]

YOU PARTY, NEW YORK CITY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME I WAS DOING SOME ACID,

RIGHT, AND, UH, YOU'VE HEARD

ABOUT IT NEW YORK CITY?

YEAH?

AND, UH, I WANTED TO CALL

MY FRIEND BUT I DIALED THE WRONG

NUMBER AND I GOT THE HOSPITAL.

I GOT THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT.

THE LADY ANSWERS THE PHONE,

"ICU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE YOU, TOO.

GOING ON.

WHITE FOLK, I WANT Y'ALL TO STOP

GOING TO OTHER COUNTRIES,

ALRIGHT?

STAY HERE, DAMN IT.

I'M SO TIRED OF Y'ALL GETTING

KIDNAPPED.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK FOLK, WE DON'T LEAVE

THE COUNTRY, WE GO DOWN TO

MISSISSIPPI, WHEN WE WANT TO

LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S BLACK PEOPLE IN MISSISSIPPI

DON'T EVEN DON'T THEY FREE YET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU BETTER STOP READING LIKE

THAT, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKIN' ABOUT?"

NO POINT IN TAKING BLACK FOLKS

HOSTAGE 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GETTING

NO DAMN MONEY, YOU...

YOU WILL JUST BE PRACTICING.

"WE HAVE YOUR SON AND HE WILL

NOT COME HOME UNLESS WE GET

$3 MILLION."

"WELL, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

LOOK HERE, SON.

YOU KNOW I DON'T GET PAID

TO THE 15th.

SEE IF, AH...

SEE IF, AH...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY KIDS SO BAD,

MY MOMMA WON'T EVEN KEEP

MY KIDS.

YOU KNOW YOUR KID'S IS BAD WHEN

YOUR MOMMA GO, "NO, AIN'T NO WAY

IN HELL.

IF YOU DROP THAT LITTLE HOOKER

OFF, DROP OFF SOME BAIL MONEY,

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

I...

THEY ALL DO STUFF, MAN,

AND I'M JEALOUS OF MY KIDS.

ANYBODY...

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

WITH KIDS?

THEY GOT MORE STUFF THAN WE DID.

WE'S GROWING UP WE DIDN'T HAVE

NONE OF THE STUFF THEY...

KIDS GET TO WALK IN A ROOM

AND EXPRESS THEIR OPINION NOW.

WHEN WE WAS GROWIN' UP,

IF GROWN FOLK WAS IN THERE

TALKIN', YOU COULDN'T SAY

(BLEEP)!

MEMBER THAT EVERYONE?

"SHUT UP!

IT'S GROWN FOLK IN HERE

TALKIN'."

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU GROWN

FOLK KNOW THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOPE Y'ALL TALKIN' ABOUT

HOW TO DROP AND ROLL THIS JOINT

GOING DOWN.

I'M GONNA BE IN THE FRONT YARD

NOT SAYING A DAMN THING TO THE

FIRE DEPARTMENT, HOW ABOUT THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD FOR YOU, ENJOY THAT,

ENJOY YOUR FIANCEE.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING 'CAUSE

YOU DON'T HAVE IT LONG AND THEN

YOU HAVE A, AH, SPOUSE,

IS WHAT YOU HAVE AFTER THAT.

I'M ON MY SECOND SPOUSE.

YEAH.

MY FIRST WIFE LEFT ME BECAUSE I

WAS A DISHWASHER.

WHICH WAS A GOOD JOB FOR ME,

I WAS THE ONLY WHITE GUY WORKING

IN THAT RESTAURANT.

EVERYBODY ELSE WORKING THERE WAS

BLACK WHICH WAS REALLY COOL

FOR ME 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I ALWAYS

WANTED A NICKNAME, RIGHT,

WHICH A...

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, SURE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR COWORKERS

WILL COME UP WITH A NICKNAME FOR

YOU RIGHT.

USUALLY IT'S LIKE A DERIVATIVE

OF YOUR NAME, RIGHT?

WELL, MY NAME'S PAT, RIGHT?

SO THEY ALL CALLED ME SNOWFLAKE,

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'D LAUGH AND LAUGH.

I WASN'T QUITE AS TAN AS I WAS

THEN ACTUALLY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THEN I READ IN A MAGAZINE,

RIGHT, I READ IN A MAGAZINE

IF YOU WANT TO MEET NEW WOMEN,

YOU SHOULD HANG OUT WITH A BUDDY

OF YOURS WHO IS LESS DESIRABLE

THAN YOURSELF.

I'M A RECENTLY DIVORCED

DISHWASHER NAMED SNOWFLAKE,

ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

FRANKLY, THEY'RE LESS DESIRABLE

THAN ME, I DON'T WANT TO HANG

OUT WITH THEM, ALRIGHT?

THAT'S MY RULE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO MEET

SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW?

INTERSTATE OFF RAMP I GUESS.

"HEY, YOU WITH THE SIGN GET IN,

WE'RE GONNA MEET SOME LADIES.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

YEAH.

LEAVE THAT CARDBOARD NECKLACE

ON, MAN.

THAT'LL BE YOUR THING.

I'LL GET LAID.

YOU'LL GET A SNACK.

IT'LL BE GREAT."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, I CALLED MY FRIEND,

I SAID, "HEY, KEITH YOU WANT

TO GO TO THE MOVIES?"

HE SAID, "GOT ANY POT?"

[LAUGHTER]

HUH, I'M LIKE, "WELL, NO."

HE SAID, "WELL, THERE YOU GO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SAW A MIDGET STRIPPER THE OTHER

DAY, THAT WAS COOL, RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, WAIT THEY

DON'T LIKE THAT WORD, I'M SORRY.

MIDGET DANCER.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH WAS AWESOME.

YOU HARDLY EVER SEE A

MIDGET STRIPPER, WHY IS THAT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE MORALLY SUPERIOR

TO US, THE MIDGETS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT

SEXY.

HUH.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE

AFRAID A GUY WILL GET TO DRUNK

AND KIND OF HORNY AND JUST PICK

HER UP AND RUN OFF WITH HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN THAT WILL BE IT.

AND THAT'S WHERE

DR. FRANKENSTEIN REALLY SCREWED

UP TOO 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN

YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS

ABOUT DR. FRANKENSTEIN AND WHERE

HE WENT WRONG, AND I KNOW YOU'VE

HAD THIS CONVERSATION A HUNDRED

TIMES RIGHT.

AND YOU SAY, "WELL, HE SHOULDN'T

HAVE PLAYED GOD, THAT'S IT,

RIGHT?

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TAMPERED WITH

MOTHER NATURE."

NO, HE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE

HIM SO DAMN BIG!

RIGHT?

HE SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH

A LITTLE FRANKENSTEIN.

RIGHT?

JUST A COCKTAIL FRANK, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IF A HOMEMADE MIDGET GOES

BEZERK...

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S KINDA FUNNY.

"OH, LOOK HE'S PISSED!"

THIS GLOVE JUST TOUCHED

D.L. HUGHLEY, GIVE IT UP FOR

THIS GLOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHO'S GONNA GET IT?

GIVE HER A BIG ROUND OF

APPLAUSE.

D.L. HUGHLEY'S GLOVE.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

ALRIGHT.

WELL, I LIVE OUT IN LOS ANGELES

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO NETWORK

WITH SOME OF THE CELEBRITIES

OUT THERE BUT MOST OF THEM DON'T

RETURN MY CALLS.

SO I'VE BEEN WRITING THEM SOME

LETTERS.

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME OF THE

LETTERS?

[CHEERING]

AH-HA.

"DEAR PAMELA ANDERSON...

[LAUGHTER]

GUESS WHAT TWO THINGS ARE NEVER

ON WHEN I WATCH YOU ON

TELEVISION?

THE VOLUME TO THE TV

AND MY PANTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

"PLEASE SEND ME $5,000.

YOUR FAN, HOWIE KREMER."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

"DEAR BEN AFFLECK.

HOW COULD SOMEONE SO BORING

AND BLAND BE SO FAMOUS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE HAD PARAPLEGIC WAITERS

THAT BROUGHT MORE TO THE TABLE."

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

I WROTE J-LO A TELEGRAM.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT?

Audience: YES.

Howard Kremer: ALRIGHT.

"DEAR JAY-LO, STOP."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

ALRIGHT, THAT'S ALL FOR THE

LETTERS, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]