Theobald, Dixon, Koenig, Kremer

  • Season 7, Ep 711
  • 01/16/2004

D.L. Hughley stars in Premium Blend featuring Marc Theobald, Pat Dixon, Howard Kremer and Danielle Koenig.

MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM

SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GET A HOT SLICE OF PIZZA,

YOU LEAVE IT IN THE TRUNK OF

YOUR CAR.

YOU WAIT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

FIVE, TEN MINUTES, AND A HUNGRY

MIDGET WILL COME WADDLING BY,

RIGHT?

HE'S SNIFFING, HE'S SMELLING, HE

GETS A WHIFF OF THE PIZZA RIGHT?

AND STARTS TO FREAK OUT,

HE'LL TRY TO CLIMB UP INTO THE

TRUNK BUT THEIR ARMS ARE SHORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO FINALLY HE DIVES IN THERE

AND HE STARTS TO GORGE HIMSELF

ON THE PIZZA.

MMM!

NOW AS THEY'RE EATING,

THEY ACTUALLY BECOME QUITE

DOCILE, OKAY.

YOU CAN PET THEM, STROKE THEM,

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO,

JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY GET

DOWN TO THE CRUST.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BECOME

DANGEROUS AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SLAM THE TRUNK

SHUT AND CONGRATULATIONS,

NEW YORK CITY YOU GOT YOURSELF

A MIDGET.

WHOO!

SO, AH, I LIKE TO PARTY.

[CHEERING]

YOU PARTY, NEW YORK CITY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME I WAS DOING SOME ACID,

RIGHT, AND, UH, YOU'VE HEARD

ABOUT IT NEW YORK CITY?

YEAH?

AND, UH, I WANTED TO CALL

MY FRIEND BUT I DIALED THE WRONG

NUMBER AND I GOT THE HOSPITAL.

I GOT THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT.

THE LADY ANSWERS THE PHONE,

"ICU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE YOU, TOO.

GOING ON.

WHITE FOLK, I WANT Y'ALL TO STOP

GOING TO OTHER COUNTRIES,

ALRIGHT?

STAY HERE, DAMN IT.

I'M SO TIRED OF Y'ALL GETTING

KIDNAPPED.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK FOLK, WE DON'T LEAVE

THE COUNTRY, WE GO DOWN TO

MISSISSIPPI, WHEN WE WANT TO

LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S BLACK PEOPLE IN MISSISSIPPI

DON'T EVEN DON'T THEY FREE YET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU BETTER STOP READING LIKE

THAT, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKIN' ABOUT?"

NO POINT IN TAKING BLACK FOLKS

HOSTAGE 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GETTING

NO DAMN MONEY, YOU...

YOU WILL JUST BE PRACTICING.

"WE HAVE YOUR SON AND HE WILL

NOT COME HOME UNLESS WE GET

$3 MILLION."

"WELL, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

LOOK HERE, SON.

YOU KNOW I DON'T GET PAID

TO THE 15th.

SEE IF, AH...

SEE IF, AH...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY KIDS SO BAD,

MY MOMMA WON'T EVEN KEEP

MY KIDS.

YOU KNOW YOUR KID'S IS BAD WHEN

YOUR MOMMA GO, "NO, AIN'T NO WAY

IN HELL.

IF YOU DROP THAT LITTLE HOOKER

OFF, DROP OFF SOME BAIL MONEY,

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

I...

THEY ALL DO STUFF, MAN,

AND I'M JEALOUS OF MY KIDS.

ANYBODY...

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

WITH KIDS?

THEY GOT MORE STUFF THAN WE DID.

WE'S GROWING UP WE DIDN'T HAVE

NONE OF THE STUFF THEY...

KIDS GET TO WALK IN A ROOM

AND EXPRESS THEIR OPINION NOW.

WHEN WE WAS GROWIN' UP,

IF GROWN FOLK WAS IN THERE

TALKIN', YOU COULDN'T SAY

(BLEEP)!

MEMBER THAT EVERYONE?

"SHUT UP!

IT'S GROWN FOLK IN HERE

TALKIN'."

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU GROWN

FOLK KNOW THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOPE Y'ALL TALKIN' ABOUT

HOW TO DROP AND ROLL THIS JOINT

GOING DOWN.

I'M GONNA BE IN THE FRONT YARD

NOT SAYING A DAMN THING TO THE

FIRE DEPARTMENT, HOW ABOUT THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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