Jack Gallagher & Gary Lazer

  • 02/24/1992

OH, YEAH.

Man:OH!

( sniffing )

OH, KISS MY ASS!

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEYFOR ME, HONEY, FORGET IT.

KEEP DRIVING.

WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, PRETTY WOMAN?

OH, MAN... JESUS CHRIST,I'M SO WORN OUT.

OH, GET A JOB, YOU'RE NOTBORROWING ANY MONEY FROM ME

YOU TACKY BAG PERSON,GET OUT OF HERE.

BAG PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,YOU KNOW

YOU CAN TURN A COUPLE OF TRICKS

YOU DON'T HAVETO LIVE LIKE THIS.

( laughter )

I'M GOING TO RINSE THESE OUT.

I'LL USE THEM AGAIN,THAT'S OKAY.

THEY'LL NEVERKNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

I GUESS I BORROWED THISFROM ONE OF MY CLIENTS.

NOT A COLOR I'D BE WEARING,BUT IT'S KIND OF PRETTY.

KIND OF A NICE MOCHA BROWN.

I GOT TO COVER UPTHOSE COLD SORES, OH, MAN.

MY NERVES ARE FRAYED TONIGHT.

I'VE BEEN ON AND OFFOF THIS BOULEVARD.

IT'S NOT EASY.

OH, A LIGHTER THAT WORKS.

WHAT A NOVELTY!

( laughter )

IT'S A FIRST, IT'S A FIRST.

OH, WHAT, DO THEY PUT HEROININ THESE CIGARETTES?

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S LIKE I'M GOINGON A BAD TRIP.

I AM ON ONE.

OH, GOD, WE GET TO STAY

AND PLAY THIS LITTLE NASTY GAMEALL NIGHT.

I COULD BE JUST COMPLETELYJANE FONDA OUT OF KLUTE.

I HOPE TED TURNER'S WAITINGFOR ME SOMEWHERE.

BITCH STARTED OUT IN BARBARELLA

NEXT THING I KNOW SHE'S LIVINGDOWN IN ATLANTA.

LET'S NOT EVEN MENTIONTHE LITTLE STOP IN VIETNAM.

SO... LOOK... YOU KNOW, UM...

I'M JUST LIKE TAKING A MINUTETO INTRODUCE SOME OTHER PEOPLE

BECAUSE I'M OFF THE BOULEVARDAND I'M TIRED AND I'M COLD.

I NEED A NICE BOWL OF SOUP

AND THEN I'M GOING TO HIT ITAGAIN WITH A LOT OF ENTHUSIASM

BECAUSE THAT'STHE KIND OF GIRL I AM

ALWAYS UP FOR SOMETHING FUN.

( laughs )

BUT WE HAVE TO PAY FOR ALLOF THIS FANTASY, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE GOING TO BREAKFOR A COMMERCIAL.

ISN'T THAT FUNNYFOR ME TO BE SAYING?

MY WHOLE LIFE ISA BAD COMMERCIAL.

ISN'T THAT REDUNDANT?

APPARENTLY.

( laughter )

PROBING ME WITH THAT THING,THE WOMAN--

KIND OF THE FAKE DENTIST--

PROBING, PROBING,SWITCHES TO SOMETHING SHARPER

PROBING, PROBING,SHE ACTUALLY SAYS TO ME

"I THINK WE'VE GOTA LITTLE BLEEDING."

REALLY?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE POKINGTHOSE KNITTING NEEDLES

IN MY MOUTH, MAYBE THAT'S IT.

IT'S LIKE ME SMACKING YOUIN THE KNEE WITH A HAMMER.

"OOPS, YOU SEEMTO HAVE A LITTLE LIMP."

I'M 38, I JUST HAD MY FIRSTCHILD EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO WAIT.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

NO, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

IT'S A LONG TIME, THOUGH,ISN'T IT?

YOU DON'T THINKABOUT THAT, 38, OOH!

IT HIT HOME ON MY BIRTHDAY.

MY WIFE SAYS, "WELL, YOU'RE 38.

THAT MEANS WHEN YOU'RE 50,YOU'LL HAVE A 12-YEAR-OLD."

JEEZ, I NEVER THOUGHTABOUT IT LIKE THAT, DID I?

I'D BE CHASING HIMACROSS THE BACKYARD

"GO AHEAD, RUN, YOU SON OF A..."

"YOU'LL GET COLD,YOU'LL BE BACK."

( laughter )

MY WIFE'S PREGNANT,AND YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ASK?

"DO YOU WANT A LITTLE BOYOR A LITTLE GIRL?"

IT'S ALWAYS "LITTLE."

NO, WE WANTTHE BIGGEST THING POSSIBLE.

SHE WANTS TO GIVE BIRTH TO A45-YEAR-OLD PLUMBER NAMED RUSS.

SOME GUY WITH A HARD HATSMOKING UNFILTERED CAMELS.

"CHRIST, IT'S CROWDED IN THERE!"

THIS IS THE OTHER THING--"WHEN'S YOUR WIFE DUE?"

"OCTOBER."

"AH, I KNOW SOMEBODY BORNIN OCTOBER!"

AH! WHAT ARE THE ODDSOF THAT HAPPENING?

LET'S SEE, 12 MONTHS, FIVEBILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

AND I DON'T SAY LITTLE,BECAUSE HE WASN'T LITTLE.

HE WAS A BIG KID, 9h POUNDS.

THAT'S PRETTY BIG.

9h POUNDSWITH A NINE-POUND HEAD.

THE KID WAS A HEAD ON A STICK,BASICALLY.

30-- THAT'S MORETHAN A DAY-- HOURS.

THEN AT THE END OF THAT,SHE HAD A C-SECTION.

KIND OF THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDSHAPPENING FOR HER RIGHT THERE.

AFTER 30 HOURS THE DOCTOR SAID

"WELL, LOOKS LIKEWE HAVE TO GO GET HIM."

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

I GUESS WE COULDN'THAVE DONE THAT YESTERDAY!

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHYTHEY HAD TO GO GET HIM?

I'M QUOTING NOW, THIS ISACTUALLY WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID:

"HIS HEAD'S TOO BIG."

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.

I'M PAYINGFOR THIS EXPERT SERVICE.

I WANT TECHNICAL TERMS.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS HEAD...

I WANT TO HEAR, "HAVE TO GO GETHIM, HE'S GOT HEADUS ENORMOUS."

"HEADUS ENORMOUS?

IS THAT BAD?"

"WELL, IT COULD BEHEADUS GIAGUNDA

IF WE DON'T ACT SOON."

"GO GET HIM!

DAMN IT, GO GET HIM,WE'LL WAIT."

YOU EVER SEENANYONE YOU LOVED OPERATED ON?

YOU EVER SEEN ANYBODY OPERATED ON?

THEY SAID, "GET SCRUBBED UPAND MEET US IN THERE."

I'M A COMEDIAN.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, A SHOWFOR PEOPLE WHEN I GET IN?

I'M JUST GOING TO BARGE IN:

"I'M READY TO GO,I'M GOING IN.

GIVE ME SOMETHINGWITH A SERRATED EDGE!"

THE DOCTORS APPARENTLYDO THIS EVERY DAY

BECAUSE THEY'RE CHATTINGWITH EACH OTHER, AND SHE'S OPEN

AND SHE'S LYING DOWN WITHTHIS CURTAIN IN FRONT OF HER

SO SHE CAN'T SEE IT,BUT I'M LOOKING.

AND AT ONE POINT THE DOCTORGOES IN TO GET SOMETHING--

GOES IN, YEAH--AND I SAID TO HER

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVEWHAT'S HAPPENING

ON THE OTHER SIDEOF THE CURTAIN."

"WHAT'S HE DOING?"

"I THINKHE'S LOOKING FOR HIS KEYS."

SO I'M COMFORTING MY WIFE,BECAUSE I'M THE COACH.

WENT TO THE LAMAZE CLASS,I'M THE COACH.

COACH ANOTHER WORDFOR USELESS TOOL.

MY JOB:REMIND MY WIFE TO BREATHE.

IMPORTANT JOB-- SOMETIMESWE'LL BE AT HOME, AND SHE'LL:

( choking )

BREATHE, HONEY!

"OH, THANK GOD, YOU WERE HERE!"

WE DIDN'T KNOW THE SEX,AND THE DOCTOR SAYS

"WHEN I BRING IT OUT,I'LL TELL YOU TO LOOK."

SO HE GOES, "HERE IT COMES."

AND HE SAYS, "IT'S A BOY."

AND I WAS SO EXCITED,BUT I GOT CONFUSED FOR A SECOND

BECAUSE OF THAT UMBILICAL CORD

I THOUGHT, WOW!

FOR A SECOND, THEN I'M THINKING

"WHOA, WHOA,WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING?

WHAT ARE YOU CUTTING?"

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!

HE'S EIGHT MONTHS NOW,WEARING REAL CLOTHES.

FOR A LONG TIME BABIESDON'T WEAR REAL CLOTHES.

THEY WEAR COSTUMES.

PEOPLE SEND YOU COSTUMESIN THE MAIL.

MY SON WAS BORN IN OCTOBER,WE GOT A PUMPKIN SUIT

THIS GROSS ORANGE THING WITHFEET, A HOOD, AND THIS PUMPKIN.

IT LOOKED STUPID, AND YOU CANTELL HE THINKS IT LOOKS STUPID.

THE LOOK IN HIS EYES IS

"YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU SHOVESOME GRAHAM CRACKERS UP MY BUTT?

I'LL GO AS A PIE."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW.

I'LL BE BAILING HIMOUT OF JAIL IN 20 YEARS.

"WHY DID YOU DO IT, SON?"

"TWO WORDS, CHUCKLEHEAD,'PUMPKIN SUIT.'"

MY MOTHER SENT US A BUSINESSSUIT, A LITTLE MAN'S SUIT.

LITTLE BLACK PANTSWITH A WHITE SHIRT

A BOW TIE AND A SPORT COAT.

LIKE HE'S GOT A JOBHE HAS TO DRESS FOR.

HE'LL BE LEAVINGTHE HOUSE WITH A BRIEFCASE:

"NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST!

AH, I MESSED MYSELF,HOLD THE CAR, DAMN IT!"

WE'RE AT THE STROLLER STORE

AND THE THING'S LIKE THIS BIG,AND I SAY TO MY WIFE

"THAT'S HUGE,HOW DO YOU FOLD THAT UP?"

SHE SAYS, "I DON'T KNOW."

SO WE'RE LIKECOLLEGE-EDUCATED PEOPLE

LIKE APES AROUND THE MONOLITH,YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

FINALLY, I'M KICKING IT

LIKE IT'S GOT THAT "HEY,KICK ME, I FOLD UP" OPTION.

OUT OF NOWHERE IT GOES:

( sucking noise )

SO QUICKLY, I SWEAR,SO WE BOTH WENT, "AAH!"

AND WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LIKE

"THANK GOD,THE BABY WASN'T IN THERE."

( as baby ): "AAH, HELP ME!YOU'RE WRINKLING MY SUIT COAT!"

SO HE'S EATING THE NORMAL FOOD

ALTHOUGH HE'SSTILL BREAST FEEDING

WHICH HE LIKES VERY MUCH.

MY WIFE ACTUALLY LIKES IT TOO,IT TURNS OUT.

SHE'S KIND OF INTO IT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT WOMEN GOTTHIS WHOLE BIG SATISFACTORY...

SHE'S GOT A NURSING BRA.

YOU FELLOWS SEENTHESE NURSING BRAS?

THE CUP OPENS RIGHT UP.

GOT A SNAP ON THE CUP,CUP OPENS RIGHT UP.

WHERE HAVE THESE BEEN?

( laughter )

I SPENT 16 YEARSWITH MY HAND BEHIND HER BACK.

"WHAT IS THAT,A STAPLE, A BUTTON?"

FOR HIM-- "ENJOY YOURSELF."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT,THANKS VERY MUCH.

I MISS NEW YORK.

I MISS THE SUBWAYS,BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

SO I HAVE A TAPE RECORDINGOF THE SOUND OF THE SUBWAY

AND EVERY MORNING I GET UP, I GOINTO MY CLOSET, I CLOSE THE DOOR

I PUT THE TAPE ON AND I JUSTHANG THERE WITH MY CLOTHES

FOR A WHILE LIKE THIS.

THEN I TURN TO MY OVERCOATAND I GO

"NO, YOU SHUT UP, PAL,ALL RIGHT?"

AND THEN I STAB MYSELFA FEW TIMES.

NEW YORK IS SICK, IT'S CRAZY.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING AGUARD DOG, A DOBERMAN PINSCHER.

BUT THESE DOGS HAVE BEEN KNOWNTO TURN ON THEIR OWNERS.

I MEAN, ONE MORNING THIS DOGJUST WAKES UP AND GOES

"AAH, THE HELLWITH THE CHUCK WAGON.

I THINK I'M GOING TO EATTHE WHOLE FAMILY."

I GOT A PET, THOUGH,I GOT A PARROT.

IT TURNED ON ME.

YOU DON'T REALIZEHOW STRONG THOSE BIRDS ARE.

I WALKED BY ITS CAGE, BOOM!

I'M ALL TIED UPWITH A GAG IN MY MOUTH

AND THE PARROT'S SITTINGIN FRONT OF ME GOING

"NOW, YOU REPEAT AFTER ME.

HELLO, HELLO, WHO'STHE PRETTY BOY NOW, BUDDY, HUH?"

( laughter )

WHAT'S WITH THE WEATHER?

IT WAS 30 DEGREES BELOW,AND THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

THEY GO,"GO OUTSIDE, IT'S A DRY COLD."

A DRY COLD MEANS YOU GO OUTSIDEAND YOU GO

"OH, THIS ISN'T TOO B..."

THEY'RE NUTS.

THE WHOLE WORLDIS FALLING APART.

THE WEATHER,NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING.

I'M PETRIFIEDTO LEAVE MY APARTMENT.

THE OZONE LAYER-- IT'S GOINGTO BE 200 DEGREES SOON.

PEOPLE WILL BURST INTO FLAMES.

"BOB, HOW ARE YOU?

MY GOD! I'VE GOTTO WEAR OVEN MITTS."

WE KNOW AEROSOL CANSAREN'T GOOD, BUT WE'RE LIKE:

"IF IT'S HOT, I'M STAYING DRY."

I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO EAT OR DRINK;

WE CAN'T HAVE SEX;WE'RE IN A RECESSION.

WE'RE JUST GOING TO BE A BUNCH

OF HORNY, STARVING, THIRSTYPEOPLE WITH MAXED-OUT VISAS.

THAT'S ALL WE'RE GOING TO BE.

( laughter )

ALL THE STUFF THEY SAIDWAS GOOD FOR US, REMEMBER:

"AN APPLE A DAYKEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY."

THE SURGEON GENERAL COMES ON TV

HE GOES, "OH, YOU KNOW,THAT APPLE A DAY THING?

"WELL, THERE'S A PESTICIDEWE'VE BEEN USING SINCE '69.

"APPLES GIVE YOU CANCER--SORRY, WE MESSED UP, SORRY.

"AND YOU KNOW THATEIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY?

SHOULD HAVE BEEN ONE,SHOULD HAVE BEEN BOILED, SORRY."

IT'LL GET WORSE.

WE'LL FIND FLUORIDESEEPS UP INTO YOUR BRAIN

GIVES YOU A NERVOUS DISORDER.

STILL GETS YOUR TEETH WHITE

BUT YOU CAN'T HOLDTHE BRUSH ANYMORE.

FORGET ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLEDIN ALL KINDS OF STRANGE WAYS--

STRAY BULLETS-- WHAT IS THAT?

WHY WORK OUT? WHY EAT RIGHT?

YOU JOG DOWN THE STREET:

( shots )

YOU'RE DEAD, THAT'S IT.

THE POLICE COME,"HEY, NICE PECS.

YEAH, BUT HE'S A GONER,IT'S OVER."

MASS MURDERERS,THAT'S A BIG FAD NOW, HUH?

I WON'T EATIN A FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT.

IT'S NOT THE FOOD

BUT SOME YAHOO JUSTLOST HIS STOCK BOY JOB

IS GOING TO COME INWITH AN UZI.

NEVER HAPPENS IN A NICERESTAURANT LIKE SPAGO.

IT'S ALWAYSA GUY EATING MEAT LOAF.

( shots )

DEAD, THAT'S IT; HE'S GONE.

( laughter )

I'M PETRIFIED;I TRY TO RECYCLE, TO SAVE WATER

BUT SOMETIMES I JUST GO,"THE HELL WITH IT."

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMANWITHOUT A CONDOM

A TWINKIE IN MY MOUTH,SUNTAN LOTION ALL OVER ME

THAT FAR FROM THREE MILE ISLAND

GOING, "COME AND GET ME,YOU KNOW WHERE I AM!"

HOW MANY NONSMOKERSDO WE HAVE HERE?

( hearty applause )

HOW MANY SMOKERS?

( much louder applause )

IT'S GOING TO BE THE NEXTCIVIL WAR IN THIS COUNTRY.

SMOKERS AND NON.

AND THE NONSMOKERSARE GOING TO WIN.

WHAT ARE THE SMOKERSGOING TO DO, RUN?

( laughter )

"ALL RIGHT, MOVE 'EM OUT!"

( wheezes )

I HATE IT; I WANT TO QUIT.

I FEEL LIKE A LEPER.

I FEEL LIKE I COME OUTOF A CAVE.

I SPEND HAVE MY LIFE ASKINGIF I CAN SMOKE.

"IS IT OKAY?IS IT ALL RIGHT?"

"GET AWAY FROM HIM,HE'S A SMOKER."

"OH, DON'T GO."

EVERY PARTY I GO TO,I HAVE TO ASK THE HOSTESS

"MIND IF I SMOKE?"

SOMETIMES SHE HAS MERCY,SHE GOES

"YEAH, LET ME GO UP TO THE ATTICAND GET THE ASHTRAY."

FOR THE REST OF THE PARTY YOU'REALL BY YOURSELF IN THE CORNER

BY THE POTTED PLANT.

( laughter )

OR SHE GOES,"SMOKE OUT ON THE BALCONY."

AND IT'S 30 DEGREES.

OH, WE'LL DO IT.

FEEL LIKE A JERK PUTTINGON YOUR PARKA AND SNOWSHOES.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"HAVE A CIGARETTE."

HOW ATTRACTIVE IS THAT, HUH?

PEOPLE ARE DANCING INSIDE

LOOKING AT YOU THROUGHTHE SLIDING GLASS WINDOW.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVETHE NERVE TO THINK:

"I THINK THAT GIRLTHINKS I'M CUTE."

( laughter )

I'VE TRIED HYPNOTISM,WENT TO THE GUY, GUARANTEED.

OOH!

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS,"YOU'LL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN."

GOT IN MY CAR,LIT UP IMMEDIATELY, YOU KNOW.

HE'S WAVING AT ME, "GOOD LUCK."

"YEAH, THANKS."

GOT HOME, DOORBELL RINGS

STARTED ACTING LIKE A CHICKEN,SO I THINK HE MESSED WITH ME.

BING-BONG, BAWK!

"I'LL GET IT."

YOU KNOW,I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING TO MYSELF.

IT'S WHAT I'VE DONETO OTHER PEOPLE.

I'VE BURNT OTHER HUMANS.

AND A SIMPLE "I'M SORRY"DOESN'T COVER THAT, YOU KNOW?

"I'M SORRY I BURNT YOU."

IT JUST DOESN'T COVER.

YOU THINK THE ASHTRAYIS OVER HERE.

IT'S THE BACK OF SOMEBODY'SHAND YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT.

ALL YOU HEAR IS, "STOP!"

"I'M SORRY I BURNT YOU."

THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOUHAS A POLYESTER SHIRT ON.

HE BACKS UP EVERY SO LIGHTLYINTO THE TIP OF YOUR CIGARETTE.

YOU KNOW HOW POLYESTER BURNS.

IT STARTS ABOUT THIS BIG ANDIN A MICROSECOND IT JUST GOES

( explosion )

HE ALWAYS TURNS AROUNDAND GOES

"GOT KIND OF CHILLYIN HERE, DIDN'T IT?"

I NEED IT ON A PLANE-- GOD,I'M SO SCARED OF FLYING.

I JUST HATE IT.

PEOPLE ARE GETTING SUCKEDOUT OF PLANES.

GONE.

I WILL NOT SITBY ONE OF THOSE HATCHES

THAT PERIODICALLY BLOW OFFAND SUCK YOU RIGHT OUT.

YOU'RE GONE.

YOU CAN'T RINGFOR THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT THEN.

"EXCUSE ME?"

BING-BING.

"THERE'S A BIG HOLE INTHE PLANE, I'M A LITTLE..."

NO, YOU'RE GONE!

YOU'RE JUST SITTING THEREREADING THAT IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE

"YOU KNOW, HONEY, TAHITI..."

GONE!

YOU'RE OUT THERE IN MIDAIR,YOU KNOW, IN YOUR LITTLE SEAT

WITH LIKE YOUR LITTLESEAT BELT AROUND YOU

YOUR LITTLE COCKTAIL

WATCHING THAT PLANEGET SMALLER AND SMALLER.

( laughter )

I MEAN, THERE'S AN UPSIDEIF YOU'RE A SMOKER.

"GUESS I CAN LIGHT UP NOW, HUH?"

MY LUCK, I'LL GET SUCKED OUTWITH A NONSMOKER.

"EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU..."

"OH, SHUT UP!

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARSTO DO THAT."

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