This is Two Drink Minimumand this is our set.
We like it.
It's, uh, it kind of lookswhat if Peter Max was
an Aztec who designedgreeting cards?
And-- anyway nice though.
We all enjoy it.
And we're looking forwardto a-- to a big show.
You know, I'm staying ina hotel not far from here.
And, you know, the hotels in NewYork City are expensive enough.
But then how they get youis all the other stuff.
You know, you payfor the room and then
they get you with the phone.
You know, first ifI'm out of town,
I charge the call to my longdistance company, right.
So then they charge me a littlebit extra because you know,
they've got me, I'm away frommy headquarters and my source
of power so they exploit that.
And then on top ofthat then the hotel
has to charge me a little bit.
It's just, you know,hey one at a time.
I only have onebutt and one wallet,
so could you take turnsat least or form a line.
I'd like a line.
And then the other thing,you make a local call--
I call a friend wholives 10 blocks away.
They charge me four bucks.
Yeah, it-- it would be cheaperfor me to make my calls
from the plane onthat air phone, uh,
thing-- which don't even getme started on the air phone.
Anyway I-- all Iwant-- I don't even
want the guy to lower his rates.
I just want him to admitthat they're overcharging me,
you know, because they can.
But you get the guyin a conversation--
the manager you know-- whyare the rates so expensive?
He's gotta tell you allthis stuff that, you know,
oh we can't lower our ratesbecause our customers, you
know, need our services andwe're providing them to,
uh, to just-- they're like aservice we're not trying to use
them as a source ofprofit for any reason.
You know, and it's justlike, give me a break.
Not a source of prof-- heyI know what a phone costs,
I'm not an idiot OK.
I have a phone $0.25--kind of the going rate.
Then he says, ohno well our rates
are competitive withthe industry standard.
Which-- oh it's a gangrape, so that makes it OK.
The guy-- You just wanthim to admit you're
taking advantage of me.
Just admit it, I'mexploiting you because I can.
Just say it, you'll feel better.
No, they have to tell you abouthow expensive their equipment
is and their operators areall technically trained.
A monkey with a headset couldput those calls through.
OK, this is like a meeting.
I uh-- I'm very excited.
My career's going pretty good.
I just finished a screenplay.
It's a cop buddy picture.
Two cops, one hasnarcolepsy the other one
has Tourette's syndrome.
It's called Snoozy and Spaz.
We're gonna cast it out inTimes Square over there.
And, uh, here's asample of the dialogue
that you'll hearwhen Snoozy and Spaz
plays at a theater near you.
Hey, wake up crap,damn, son of a bitch!
OK you really have to befamiliar with diseases to, um,
totally appreciate--Hee hee hee.
I got to perform inEngland recently.
That was pretty cool.
I'd never been overthere before you know.
And I went to BuckinghamPalace because you
can mess with the guards.
They're not allowed to moveor talk or do anything.
They just have to wearthat really high afro hat
and just stand there you know.
So you can get right up intheir face and just be like.
Whoo-ooh The queenhas a hairy back.
You can just mess with them.
But when I was there, therewas this English woman there
and she says to me, you cantweak his nose if you'd like.
Go ahead yank hiswilly, pinch his bum.
Go for it.
And I'm thinking, um.
Now in retrospect, Irealize she was probably
with Britain's funniesthidden video camera.
You know, but I want to be agood sport so I reached out
and give his nosea little-- doik.
And I tell you guys, nothingclears up lag quicker
than the crack of a gunbutt against your skull.
That was pretty,uh, pretty cool.
I think that place would be alot more fun if they gave guns
to everyone on their way intothe it's a small world ride.
You know, just turnthat damn thing
into a giganticshooting gallery.
World's gettingsmaller every moment.
I just tagged a littlefreak from Iceland.
Lights out, baby.
You know, ha ha ha.
I-- I was at, uh,the Disneyland.
I was enjoying myself,having probably too much fun.
You know, I get alittle silly sometimes.
I was on this SplashMountain ride.
What it is it's a, uh, flumeride where you sit in a uh--
you heard me, flume ride--you sit in a hollowed out tree
and you float aroundfor like 20 minutes,
watching bears andrabbits sing and crap.
And then-- OK, theyjust sing-- and then
at the very end-- at thevery end of the attraction,
you plummet 40 storiesinto the briar patch.
And as you're plunging,they take your picture.
Because you don't buy enoughjunk when you're at Disneyland.
You need a photographof yourself
going-- like a complete lunatic.
So I wanted to havefun with it, you know.
So I went down guns blazing,you know, both birds flying.
And um-- I flippedoff the camera.
And apparently they don't reallycare for this kind of behavior
at the Magic Kingdom, becauseyou come around the corner
at the end of the ride andthere's this giant screen
that they projectthe picture on.
And I come aroundthe corner and it's
blank like nothingever happened.
Like the goofy policegot right on it,
you know, like they ranin and went, ha ha, nope.
So now-- now there'sthese tourists
who are on the ride withme who completely snap.
I don't even know thesepeople and they're
in my face screaming at me, oh!
You ruined it forthe entire log!
The thing I love about NewYork-- oh get outta here--
the thing I loveabout New York is
that I can walk down thestreet practicing my act.
You know, and-- becauseeverybody's walking
around muttering to themselveslike a bunch of crazies.
So it's really no big dealto see a guy walking down
the street going, crap,damn son of a bitch,
you ruined it forthe entire log!
Check this out.
I got into a bunchof trouble, man.
At the Statue of Liberty.
Believe it or not, man, forscrewing up tourist home
I'm serious you see these peopleout there from all over, you
know videotaping thewhole family, right?
I just walk into thepicture and go hey man,
did you say you wanteda half or an ounce?
Think how many peopleare going to be fast
forwarding me outof their lives.
Honey, there's that stoner.
Don't let the kids see him.
Recession's still kickingeverybody's ass, huh?
I'm so broke I had to writea letter to my phone company.
Dear AT&T, Jesus willbe coming back soon
and I don't thinkhe'll appreciate
the way you'vebeen harassing me.
I'm having a hard timeworking my ATM machine, man.
Do you have that problem?
Because you know it's hardto concentrate and push
all those buttons when you'retrying to look crazy so no one
messes with you whileyou're getting your money.
Check this out.
I'm ready to file, I'm goingthrough the yellow pages trying
to find somebodyto help me, right?
I find-- come across--Christian tax services.
Now I believe in God.
And I believe in Jesus.
But when it comes to my taxes,I want the lyingest cheatingest
scum on the planet to helpme screw the government, man.
You know, we gotthings to pay for.
I understand that.
We still got troopsin Somalia, you know.
Isn't that amazingthat's the only way
we know how toget anything done.
Sending guys in there withbazookas and M16s going,
eat the sandwich, eat it!
Eat the damn sandwich, eat it!
All right, is everybodyproperly nourished?
Gays in the military--I can't believe
they had a hard timepushing that through.
I'm all for gays in themilitary, I tell you what.
If I'm getting shot atand watching my buddies
die all day, I'mgonna need a hug.
They had that big gay rallyin Washington DC, man.
I wish-- I'm not gay-- butI wish I'd been there, man.
They throw a great party,you know, nonetheless.
I live in San Francisco.
And I swear to God, thebest day of the year
to be in San Franciscois for the gay parade.
Swear to God, themost beautiful thing
you'll ever see in yourlife, man-- different people
getting along on this planet.
My only complaint-- if you'regoing to march your ass
through the center of townonly wearing penis cuffs,
you should at least concentrateon some kind of abdominal
Nothing worse thana guy with a pot
belly that thinkshe's sexy, man.
And that's nothingagainst my gay brothers.
I'm just saying, Jesusdo some crunches.
I mean-- you know when theparade is, build up to that.
I would train likethe Olympics if I
had to walk throughtown in penis cuffs.
I read a frighteningstatistic, man.
Did you know that last yearAmericans spent more money
on La-Z-Boy recliners thanwe did on AIDS research?
You also realize if La-Z-Boymade a feature that scratched
your ass, we wouldnever leave the house?
That would be theextremely La-Z-Boy.
You guys are great,thanks a lot.
Clap you hands if you drove yourcars into Manhattan tonight.
How many people drove in?
So you guys know thatdriving a car in New York
will change your life.
I have a car.
Over the weekend,this girl calls me up.
She says, Danny listen I justopened a bottle of red wine.
I'm not wearing anything.
Why don't you come over?
I'm like, you knowI'd love to but, um, I
got this reallygreat parking space.
Yeah, it's right infront of my house.
I think I'm in for the weekend.
So, uh-- I took a cabdown here tonight.
The guy had absolutely no clue.
I said to the guy I'mgoing to 15th and Irving.
The guy says direct me.
OK, you're angry, you're ina cab, you're in Manhattan.
You're in traffic, you'rereally tense, you're sweating,
you're frustrated, go.
And, uh, the whole time he'sscreaming what's my motivation,
So that's, uh, New York for you.
New York unlike anyother city in the world.
Like if you go to Boston.
You're on the Boston subway,somebody falls on the tracks,
gets hit by the train, thereaction is, oh my god.
In Manhattan, somebodyfalls on the tracks,
the reaction is oh my god,am I going to be late?
Oh and it's a fatguy, this is going
to take forever to clean up.
This is not good.
My boss is going to kill me.
My boss is abso-- hey waita second, that is my boss.
I had a traditionalNew York day today.
I went to theCarnegie Deli and I
had one of thosecelebrity sandwiches.
I had the Joe Franklin.
And what they do is theyserve the dressing on the side
and they comb itover the sandwich.
And it's um-- I recommend it.
So I live here in town.
I live with my girlfriend.
We moved in together.
In fact, next week it'll bea year since we've had sex.
Thank you very much.
I'm kidding actually.
In fact, before Icame out tonight
I said, honey howabout a quickie?
And she got allexcited because she
thought I said howabout a cookie.
And-- so we practice safe sex.
We practice really safe sex.
The other night duringsex we had a fire drill
so, uh-- it was justa Chinese fire drill.
We got up and ran aroundthe bed, it was fun.
Living together-- if youcan survive the move,
you will livehappily ever after.
That's the thing.
In New York there'stwo ways to move.
One, you can inviteyour friends over.
Give them enoughbeer so that they
think they can lifta piano, right?
Or number two, youcan hire movers.
These guys are professionals.
They come to yourhouse already drunk.
Sort of a package, very nice.
My guys were in the moversunion, showed me their ID card.
There was a picture of thecrack of their ass so I know,
I said hey-- these are my guys.
Helped a friend of minemove recently, I did.
We get done.
Guy pulls out a caseof Meister Brau.
Here's to good friends,tonight is kind of special.
Do you know what thatmeans, Meister Brau?
Meister Brau means Mister Beer.
Would you drink somethingcalled Mister Beer?
Sounds like Mister Clean has acousin in Germany, that's, uh--
Last time I had MeisterBrau I was in college.
I was going to jointhis fraternity
but they make youdo crazy stunts.
I had to swallow fivelive goldfish to join.
And I tried.
I swallowed two and I felt soguilty that I swallowed a pound
of pebbles and a littlefilter and a little man
in a scuba suitand that hurt, so.
I'm older now and I'min my local corner
deli the other day.
They have a new security system.
So I'm standing in line,there's this camera behind me.
I'm looking in themonitor watching
everybody else standing in line.
I'm like oh my God, check outthe lady with the bald spot.
And then I realized I'm thelady with the bald spot,
and that kind of hurt.
My hair falls out in theshower so my girlfriend
wants me to emptythe drain more.
So she tells me toempty the drain more
thinking I'm going toempty the drain more.
And I try to explain to her thatif she were to nag me a little
less, I would loseless hair and the drain
would have to beemptied less often.
Pretty much my thing.
So I'm trying toeat healthy now.
Took a bite of, uh, one ofthose rice cakes the other day.
Do you eat these things?
Very deceiving product thefact that they actually
got the word cakeon the package.
Because there's no frostingor anything like that.
They should callthem warehouse cakes.
You know, you take two, aslice of plastic bubbles,
there's a sandwich now.
I guess they're goodif you're dieting,
they have only 35 calories.
But if I was on a diet and Icould have only 35 calories
I would prefer to lick aSnickers bar basically.
A lick for breakfast,a lick for lunch,
and of course a sensiblebite for dinner.
Hey I gotta run, that's my time.