Benson, Rhodes, DeVido

  • Season 2, Ep 0201
  • 05/31/1994

This is Two Drink Minimumand this is our set.

Yeah.

We like it.

Yeah.

It's, uh, it kind of lookswhat if Peter Max was

an Aztec who designedgreeting cards?

And-- anyway nice though.

We all enjoy it.

And we're looking forwardto a-- to a big show.

You know, I'm staying ina hotel not far from here.

And, you know, the hotels in NewYork City are expensive enough.

But then how they get youis all the other stuff.

You know, you payfor the room and then

they get you with the phone.

You know, first ifI'm out of town,

I charge the call to my longdistance company, right.

So then they charge me a littlebit extra because you know,

they've got me, I'm away frommy headquarters and my source

of power so they exploit that.

And then on top ofthat then the hotel

has to charge me a little bit.

It's just, you know,hey one at a time.

I only have onebutt and one wallet,

so could you take turnsat least or form a line.

I'd like a line.

And then the other thing,you make a local call--

I call a friend wholives 10 blocks away.

They charge me four bucks.

Yeah, it-- it would be cheaperfor me to make my calls

from the plane onthat air phone, uh,

thing-- which don't even getme started on the air phone.

Anyway I-- all Iwant-- I don't even

want the guy to lower his rates.

I just want him to admitthat they're overcharging me,

you know, because they can.

But you get the guyin a conversation--

the manager you know-- whyare the rates so expensive?

He's gotta tell you allthis stuff that, you know,

oh we can't lower our ratesbecause our customers, you

know, need our services andwe're providing them to,

uh, to just-- they're like aservice we're not trying to use

them as a source ofprofit for any reason.

You know, and it's justlike, give me a break.

Not a source of prof-- heyI know what a phone costs,

I'm not an idiot OK.

I have a phone $0.25--kind of the going rate.

Then he says, ohno well our rates

are competitive withthe industry standard.

Which-- oh it's a gangrape, so that makes it OK.

The guy-- You just wanthim to admit you're

taking advantage of me.

Just admit it, I'mexploiting you because I can.

Just say it, you'll feel better.

No, they have to tell you abouthow expensive their equipment

is and their operators areall technically trained.

A monkey with a headset couldput those calls through.

Hello!

OK, this is like a meeting.

That's nice.

I uh-- I'm very excited.

My career's going pretty good.

I just finished a screenplay.

It's a cop buddy picture.

Two cops, one hasnarcolepsy the other one

has Tourette's syndrome.

It's called Snoozy and Spaz.

We're gonna cast it out inTimes Square over there.

And, uh, here's asample of the dialogue

that you'll hearwhen Snoozy and Spaz

plays at a theater near you.

Hey, wake up crap,damn, son of a bitch!

OK you really have to befamiliar with diseases to, um,

totally appreciate--Hee hee hee.

I got to perform inEngland recently.

That was pretty cool.

I'd never been overthere before you know.

And I went to BuckinghamPalace because you

can mess with the guards.

They're not allowed to moveor talk or do anything.

They just have to wearthat really high afro hat

and just stand there you know.

So you can get right up intheir face and just be like.

Whoo-ooh The queenhas a hairy back.

You can just mess with them.

But when I was there, therewas this English woman there

and she says to me, you cantweak his nose if you'd like.

Go ahead yank hiswilly, pinch his bum.

Go for it.

And I'm thinking, um.

OK.

Now in retrospect, Irealize she was probably

with Britain's funniesthidden video camera.

You know, but I want to be agood sport so I reached out

and give his nosea little-- doik.

And I tell you guys, nothingclears up lag quicker

than the crack of a gunbutt against your skull.

That was pretty,uh, pretty cool.

I think that place would be alot more fun if they gave guns

to everyone on their way intothe it's a small world ride.

You know, just turnthat damn thing

into a giganticshooting gallery.

[singing]

[gun shots]

World's gettingsmaller every moment.

I just tagged a littlefreak from Iceland.

Lights out, baby.

You know, ha ha ha.

[fart noise]

I-- I was at, uh,the Disneyland.

I was enjoying myself,having probably too much fun.

You know, I get alittle silly sometimes.

I was on this SplashMountain ride.

What it is it's a, uh, flumeride where you sit in a uh--

you heard me, flume ride--you sit in a hollowed out tree

and you float aroundfor like 20 minutes,

watching bears andrabbits sing and crap.

And then-- OK, theyjust sing-- and then

at the very end-- at thevery end of the attraction,

you plummet 40 storiesinto the briar patch.

And as you're plunging,they take your picture.

Because you don't buy enoughjunk when you're at Disneyland.

You need a photographof yourself

going-- like a complete lunatic.

So I wanted to havefun with it, you know.

So I went down guns blazing,you know, both birds flying.

And um-- I flippedoff the camera.

And apparently they don't reallycare for this kind of behavior

at the Magic Kingdom, becauseyou come around the corner

at the end of the ride andthere's this giant screen

that they projectthe picture on.

And I come aroundthe corner and it's

blank like nothingever happened.

Like the goofy policegot right on it,

you know, like they ranin and went, ha ha, nope.

So now-- now there'sthese tourists

who are on the ride withme who completely snap.

I don't even know thesepeople and they're

in my face screaming at me, oh!

You ruined it forthe entire log!

The thing I love about NewYork-- oh get outta here--

the thing I loveabout New York is

that I can walk down thestreet practicing my act.

You know, and-- becauseeverybody's walking

around muttering to themselveslike a bunch of crazies.

So it's really no big dealto see a guy walking down

the street going, crap,damn son of a bitch,

you ruined it forthe entire log!

Check this out.

I got into a bunchof trouble, man.

At the Statue of Liberty.

Believe it or not, man, forscrewing up tourist home

videos.

I'm serious you see these peopleout there from all over, you

know videotaping thewhole family, right?

I just walk into thepicture and go hey man,

did you say you wanteda half or an ounce?

Think how many peopleare going to be fast

forwarding me outof their lives.

Honey, there's that stoner.

Don't let the kids see him.

Wow.

Recession's still kickingeverybody's ass, huh?

I'm broke.

I'm so broke I had to writea letter to my phone company.

Dear AT&T, Jesus willbe coming back soon

and I don't thinkhe'll appreciate

the way you'vebeen harassing me.

I'm having a hard timeworking my ATM machine, man.

Do you have that problem?

Because you know it's hardto concentrate and push

all those buttons when you'retrying to look crazy so no one

messes with you whileyou're getting your money.

[barking]

Check this out.

I'm ready to file, I'm goingthrough the yellow pages trying

to find somebodyto help me, right?

I find-- come across--Christian tax services.

Now I believe in God.

And I believe in Jesus.

But when it comes to my taxes,I want the lyingest cheatingest

scum on the planet to helpme screw the government, man.

You know, we gotthings to pay for.

I understand that.

We still got troopsin Somalia, you know.

Isn't that amazingthat's the only way

we know how toget anything done.

Sending guys in there withbazookas and M16s going,

eat the sandwich, eat it!

Eat the damn sandwich, eat it!

All right, is everybodyproperly nourished?

Pull out!

Gays in the military--I can't believe

they had a hard timepushing that through.

I'm all for gays in themilitary, I tell you what.

If I'm getting shot atand watching my buddies

die all day, I'mgonna need a hug.

They had that big gay rallyin Washington DC, man.

I wish-- I'm not gay-- butI wish I'd been there, man.

You know?

They throw a great party,you know, nonetheless.

I live in San Francisco.

And I swear to God, thebest day of the year

to be in San Franciscois for the gay parade.

Swear to God, themost beautiful thing

you'll ever see in yourlife, man-- different people

getting along on this planet.

My only complaint-- if you'regoing to march your ass

through the center of townonly wearing penis cuffs,

you should at least concentrateon some kind of abdominal

work out.

Really.

Wow.

Nothing worse thana guy with a pot

belly that thinkshe's sexy, man.

And that's nothingagainst my gay brothers.

I'm just saying, Jesusdo some crunches.

You know?

I mean-- you know when theparade is, build up to that.

I would train likethe Olympics if I

had to walk throughtown in penis cuffs.

I read a frighteningstatistic, man.

Did you know that last yearAmericans spent more money

on La-Z-Boy recliners thanwe did on AIDS research?

You also realize if La-Z-Boymade a feature that scratched

your ass, we wouldnever leave the house?

That would be theextremely La-Z-Boy.

You guys are great,thanks a lot.

Clap you hands if you drove yourcars into Manhattan tonight.

How many people drove in?

So you guys know thatdriving a car in New York

will change your life.

I have a car.

Over the weekend,this girl calls me up.

She says, Danny listen I justopened a bottle of red wine.

I'm not wearing anything.

Why don't you come over?

I'm like, you knowI'd love to but, um, I

got this reallygreat parking space.

Yeah, it's right infront of my house.

I think I'm in for the weekend.

So, uh-- I took a cabdown here tonight.

The guy had absolutely no clue.

I said to the guy I'mgoing to 15th and Irving.

The guy says direct me.

I'm like.

OK, you're angry, you're ina cab, you're in Manhattan.

You're in traffic, you'rereally tense, you're sweating,

you're frustrated, go.

And, uh, the whole time he'sscreaming what's my motivation,

folks.

So that's, uh, New York for you.

New York unlike anyother city in the world.

Like if you go to Boston.

You're on the Boston subway,somebody falls on the tracks,

gets hit by the train, thereaction is, oh my god.

In Manhattan, somebodyfalls on the tracks,

the reaction is oh my god,am I going to be late?

Oh and it's a fatguy, this is going

to take forever to clean up.

This is not good.

My boss is going to kill me.

My boss is abso-- hey waita second, that is my boss.

All right.

Good morning.

I had a traditionalNew York day today.

I went to theCarnegie Deli and I

had one of thosecelebrity sandwiches.

I had the Joe Franklin.

And what they do is theyserve the dressing on the side

and they comb itover the sandwich.

And it's um-- I recommend it.

So I live here in town.

I live with my girlfriend.

We moved in together.

In fact, next week it'll bea year since we've had sex.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm kidding actually.

In fact, before Icame out tonight

I said, honey howabout a quickie?

And she got allexcited because she

thought I said howabout a cookie.

And-- so we practice safe sex.

We practice really safe sex.

The other night duringsex we had a fire drill

so, uh-- it was justa Chinese fire drill.

We got up and ran aroundthe bed, it was fun.

Living together-- if youcan survive the move,

you will livehappily ever after.

That's the thing.

In New York there'stwo ways to move.

One, you can inviteyour friends over.

Give them enoughbeer so that they

think they can lifta piano, right?

Or number two, youcan hire movers.

These guys are professionals.

They come to yourhouse already drunk.

Sort of a package, very nice.

My guys were in the moversunion, showed me their ID card.

There was a picture of thecrack of their ass so I know,

I said hey-- these are my guys.

Helped a friend of minemove recently, I did.

We get done.

Guy pulls out a caseof Meister Brau.

Here's to good friends,tonight is kind of special.

Do you know what thatmeans, Meister Brau?

Meister Brau means Mister Beer.

Would you drink somethingcalled Mister Beer?

Sounds like Mister Clean has acousin in Germany, that's, uh--

Last time I had MeisterBrau I was in college.

I was going to jointhis fraternity

but they make youdo crazy stunts.

I had to swallow fivelive goldfish to join.

And I tried.

I swallowed two and I felt soguilty that I swallowed a pound

of pebbles and a littlefilter and a little man

in a scuba suitand that hurt, so.

I'm older now and I'min my local corner

deli the other day.

They have a new security system.

So I'm standing in line,there's this camera behind me.

I'm looking in themonitor watching

everybody else standing in line.

I'm like oh my God, check outthe lady with the bald spot.

And then I realized I'm thelady with the bald spot,

and that kind of hurt.

My hair falls out in theshower so my girlfriend

wants me to emptythe drain more.

So she tells me toempty the drain more

thinking I'm going toempty the drain more.

And I try to explain to her thatif she were to nag me a little

less, I would loseless hair and the drain

would have to beemptied less often.

Pretty much my thing.

So I'm trying toeat healthy now.

Took a bite of, uh, one ofthose rice cakes the other day.

Do you eat these things?

Very deceiving product thefact that they actually

got the word cakeon the package.

Because there's no frostingor anything like that.

They should callthem warehouse cakes.

You know, you take two, aslice of plastic bubbles,

there's a sandwich now.

I guess they're goodif you're dieting,

they have only 35 calories.

But if I was on a diet and Icould have only 35 calories

I would prefer to lick aSnickers bar basically.

A lick for breakfast,a lick for lunch,

and of course a sensiblebite for dinner.

Hey I gotta run, that's my time.

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