Ali Wong, Junior Stopka, Jimmy Shubert

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 05/25/2014

Ali Wong, Junior Stopka and Jimmy Shubert join host Dave Attell for a night of filthy stand-up.

What a crowd.

Thank for coming downto the Underground.

New York City.

The crossroadsof the world.

This is where cokemeets meth, am I right?

Yeah.

All right.

You're a good crowd,you don't even need me.

Sir, how are you doing?

You're all right, Okay, thisis some kind of match.com.

I don't wantto get involved.

And over here, we havethe Black Eyed Peas.

It's good to seeyou guys back together.

And this guy.

Did Benny eat Jerry?

What happened here?

The Ben and Jerryreference.

I'm slammingthese jokes.

This is amazing because I'mholding the camera,

but I can't dothe jokes and the camera,

so someone in the crowd is goingto have to help me out.

What's your name, sir?

(man)Edward.Edward.

Have you ever workeda camera before?

Ah, amateur porn.

Here you go, buddy.

There's nothing betterand nothing blurrier.

Where are youfrom, dude?

Harlem.Harlem.

Okay, all right.

I want the camera backat the end of the night.

Just saying.

It got racial in here.

Can somebody open a window?Is there a window in here?

Edward, you ready?

Okay, we're goingto start the show.

Let's hear it, guys.

Oh my God, this isgoing to be great.

Our firstact of the evening,

she used to open for me foryears on the road

and she is justan amazing, amazing comic.

(belching)

Please welcome theone and only Ali Wong!

Here she comes.

Hi. Hi everyone.Oh.

I'm really excitedto be here.

I recently turned 30 and I cantell that I'm getting older

because now, wheneverI see a 21-year-old girl,

my automatic thoughtis "Fuck you.

Fuck you! I don't evenknow you, but fuck you!"

'Cause I'm straight-upjealous.

Because 21-year-old girls, theygot that ripe-ass body where

they can just eat like shitand then they take a shit and

have a six-pack--right?

And they got that inner thighclearance where they just put

their feet together and there'sthat gap here with the light of

potential justradiating through.

Ahh...

And I'm a small person,but I don't even have that

anymore because it's allclosing for business.

That's why I needto get pregnant.

I do, I wanna get pregnantlike right now.

Because I don't wanna be oneof those women who waits until

they're 45 tohave a baby.

'Cause then you have one ofthose messed-up kids that's

allergic topeanut butter.

That's my worst fear is to spawnone of these sissy-ass kids,

spawn one of these sissy-assmillennial guppies

that's allergicto everything.

"I can only eat milk that'sharvested from a tree!"

You eat whateverI say is on sale.

(Dave)Nice, Ali Wong.

Before we go any further, I justwant to tell you one thing.

This place is haunted,did you know that? Yeah.

My career died here about10 years ago, so... all right.

All right, our next act,so funny, so young.

Adorable andhilarious.

(Vocalizing)

Russia's weird.

Everybody, Junior Stopka!

Give him a hand.

All right, so you guys ever tryto kill yourself but wind up

fucking some dumb bitch youdon't like for four months?

My name is Junior,I look like this.

I'm sorry.

I can't doanything about it.

All right,I'll do this."

I got a coffee tableon the Craigslist.

That's right, I won.

I don't know if you actuallybeen on Craigslist and actually

been over to somebody's house,but uh, but when you get there,

both parties thinkthey're gonna be murdered.

So what you gotta do is yougotta try to out-murder

the murderer.

You gotta be smart,gotta be coy.

You know, I senthim my e-mail.

I'm like, "I likecoffee tables."

Smiley face.

That'll get him.

Then you open the door and yousee my face and you're like,

"Oh...

Here's my murder."

But I'm nervous too.

I'm like, don't murderme either, you know?

I brought a knife justin case you got a knife.

You got a knife?

"Yeah, I got a knife!"

(Vocalizing)

I'm like, ah, Jesus.

All right, this is what--let's just both raise our

knives, okay?All right?

One hand onthe coffee table.

All right, you got it?All right.

Count of three.

One, two and then you slither throat because you gotta

murder women,fellas, right?

With a knife, right?Everybody knows that.

Come on.

Ron Paul!

Ron Paul!

Ron! Ron!

Ron!

Guys, we're going to keepit going now with another guy

who is just so funny.

There's no way to close the showbetter than with this dude.

Philly's ownJimmy Shubert.

Give him a hand.

Dave Attell, everybody!

Keep it going forMr. Dave Attell!

Let him know!

Awesome!

Fuck!

New York City,how are you?

Oh!

It's good to be here.

I flew in.

I get on a plane to fly backhere and this lady gets on the

plane with a cat and the cat hasthis little orange vest on it

that says"therapy cat".

I don't know whatthe fuck that is.

I've never seenone before.

Is that where we'vegotten to as a species?

Look, I love animals.

I love 'em so much I don'town one because I found out,

if you go on the road for threeweeks, they get real skinny.

Anyway, the point is I wouldnever drag one onto an airplane

for my own selfish needs 'causeI know cats don't do well in

pressurized situations.

That plane takes off, the cabindecompresses, that cat starts

freaking thefuck-- (hissing)

"Hey, lady, I don't knowhow to tell you this,