Tuesday, September 6, 2016

  • 09/06/2016

Kyle Kinane, Ron Funches and Tiffany Haddish explain Hillary Clinton's coughing fit, sum up #HighSchoolIn5Words and create commercials for obscure colleges.

First up-- hacking Hillary.Hacking Hillary.

Cruella De Vil cosplayerHillary Clinton,

the candidate America's...

the candidate America'ssettling on--

'cause let's face it,we're not getting any younger--

has maintained a steady leadat the polls

with her strategyof not talking to the press

and waiting for Trump to justfinally say the "N" word. Uh...

-(laughter)-But...

There, I said it.I said it, okay?

But the far righthas been attacking her

over so-called health concerns,

and this coughing fitat a campaign stop in Cleveland

is only going to fanthose conspiracy theory flames.

Take a look.

(Clinton coughing)

Every time I think about Trump,I get allergic.

(laughter)

Uh, did anyone expect herto go, "It's me, Bernie Sanders.

It's me!"

Oh!

So, comedians, you're comedians.

What's your Hillary quipto explain her coughing fit?

Ron Funches.

Oh, I'm sorry, y'all,

I was smoking on that strong...

HARDWICK:All right.

And unlike Bill, I did inhale.

HARDWICK:All right.

(cheers and applause)

(bell dings)

HARDWICK: I said Hillary's,not yours, Ron, not your answer.

Tiffany.

Well, if you listenedreally closely you can hear

what she's really saying.

And she's like,(coughs)

"I'm all you got."

(coughs)

(laughter)

HARDWICK: Points.

Kyle Kinane.

I think she's trying to say,

"(bleep) off, Bernie wouldhave had three strokes

and driven througha farmers market by now."

(laughter)

HARDWICK:Points, points for Kyle.

HARDWICK:Points, points for Kyle.

Send us your high schoolin five words

and tag those @midnightto keep the game going.

We'll be right backwith more @midnight.

HARDWICK: Our Tweet of the Day from our last #HashtagWar

was sent to us by at guil, oh, uh, stevenson.

Well done!

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

It's back to school time and youknow what that means, savings.

Saving your b-best friend a seatat the lunch table.

Saving a freshman from a bully.

Saving your virginity for prom.

And we're gonna passthe savings on to you

with tonight's hashtag#HighschoolIn5Words.

Examples might beHidingFactThatIAmSpiderman

andSellingDrugsWithChemistryTeacher

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock and begin.

Ron.

MasturbatedVeryVeryVeryMuch.

All right, points.

Kyle.

Can'tGetPregnantFromFingering.

(laughter and applause)

HARDWICK:Ron Funches.

DryHumpingToMamboNumberFive.

HARDWICK:Points. Tiffany.

NoTitsStillNoTits.

All right, points.Ron Funches.

PleaseDon'tTouchMyHair.

I went to a white school.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

(laughs)

Me, too.

-(laughter)-Me, too.

Kyle.

FailedMathOnTVNow.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points.

(cheers and applause)

Kyle.

SchoolShooterOrSmellyWeirdo?

HARDWICK:(bleep).

Tiffany.

MascotGotThatAss.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Ron Funches.

LoveFeedKillResetTamagotchi.

All right, points.

Tiffany Haddish.

YouShouldHave(bleep)edMe.

HARDWICK:All right.

I told youthe famous for-profit university

ITT Tech is closing its doors

and I asked you to createa commercial

for even a less reputableuniversity.

Let's see whatyou came up up with.

Ron Funches,we'll start with you.

Going to college is just likethrowing your money away.

I didn't go to collegeand I'm as rich as (bleep),

so why don't you justgive your money to me

and the Ron FunchesComedy College?

I'll teach you how to be funny.Things like setup.

You won't believewhat happened to me today.

Punch lines.

It was hilarious.

Crowd work.

Where are you from?

Oh, I've never been there.

I don't knowanything about that.

And buying drugs.

Thank you.

At the Ron FunchesComedy College we put the fun...

in college.

(cheering, applause)

What kind of drugs are those?

What kind...

Tiffany Haddish.

Hi, I'm Tiffany

from WatersonTyping and Booty College.

Well, more like a roomwith a desk

and a computer from 1987.

My auntie had a government job.Then she quit,

went to Waterson and learnedto type 30 words per hour.

And now she's a stripper!

Waterson. Aw, yeah.

Waterson, learn to type slow

and make your booty go, go, go.

Waterson, baby!

Yeah!

Make it a booty call. Yeah!

I-I feel like a lotof sign-ups for these colleges

are already happening now,like, as the show is airing.

Finally, Kyle Kinane.

Hey, is your pet sick?

Do you want to the avoidcostly veterinarian bills?

Then come on downto the Internet and get a degree

from Kyle's OnlineDo-It-Yourself Animal Surgery.

Disclaimer: Kyle's Online AnimalSurgery only teaches you

how to cut open regular petslike dogs and cats and (bleep),

not recommended for practiceon fish, birds, snakes,

weird lizards,other metalhead pets.

One guy called about a ferret.Not sure about that one.

Ponies-- what a mess.

Hamsters-- you can justget new hamsters, guys.

Monkeys-- those arekind of like people

and that's a slippery slope.

Remember, I am not a doctor.

But neither are you.