ALICE GETS TO THE OFFICEFIVE MINUTES EARLY EVERY DAY,
WHICH GIVES US 29 MINUTESTO BEAT HER THERE
AND DELETE THOSE MESSAGES.
- THAT'S WEIRD.I DON'T EVEN FEEL HUNGOVER.
- I DRANK, LIKE, 17 BEERS,
AND I FEEL WAY BETTERTHAN I NORMAL DO.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW,MAYBE AS YOU GET OLDER
YOU GET BETTER AT HANGOVERS.
- THAT HAS TO BE A FACT.[crash]
all:WHOA!
- JESUS.- WHAT THE--
- GUYS, WE'RE STILL DRUNK.
- WE GOT TO TAKE THE BUS.LET'S GO!
- YEP, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS THERE.- WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- INSIDE. WE NEED BEERS.- WAIT, NO!
BEERS IS WHATGOT US IN THIS SITUATION.
- YEAH, AND IT'SWHAT'S GONNA GET US OUT.
WE'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW,AND WE FEEL GREAT, RIGHT?
IF THIS HANGOVER KICKS IN...
WE'RE SCREWED.- HE'S RIGHT, WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
WE HAVE TO STAY DRUNKTILL WE GET TO THE OFFICE.
- OH, AND I'LL GET
MY SHARPER IMAGE BREATHALYZERKEY CHAIN FROM THE CAR.
THAT WAY, WE CAN MONITOROUR BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL, GUYS.
- YEAH! BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL!
- YEAH, YEAH.OH, ADAM!
LET ME GET TECATESAND A COUPLE OF LIMES, OKAY?
- YOU GOT IT.- OH, AND ADAM?
THANK YOU FOR BEINGA TRUE BRAJ.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, BRAJ.
STAY UP.- I WILL.
both:ALWAYS.
- COME ON, LET'S GO.- ALWAYS, MAN.
- TRUE SOLDIERS, FOR REAL.
- DUDE!- YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!
- YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, DUDE!- COME ON!
- I LOVE THAT GUY, MAN!
DAMN, I FORGOT A BELT!- SHHH.
[cell phone rings]- YO-BA SAYO.
- JILLIAN, IT'S ANDERS.LISTEN TO ME.
I NEED YOUTO GO INTO ALICE'S VOICEMAIL
AND DELETE ALL HER MESSAGESBEFORE SHE GETS IN TODAY.
- OH, I WOULD HAPPILY DO THAT,
BUT IT'S PASSWORD-PROTECTED.
- WHAT? YOU'RE HER ASSISTANT.
YOU DON'T ACCESSTO HER VOICEMAILS?
- HER MOM KEPT LEAVINGTHESE MEAN MESSAGES
ABOUT HOW ALICE WASA BAD DAUGHTER,
SO I COULDN'T TAKE IT,AND I FINALLY JUST CALLED HER
AND I SAID, "LOOK, LADY,
SHUT YOUR MOUTHAND FIND A [bleep] HOBBY."
[techno music]
- ♪ AND I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
♪ WITH THE STATIC IN THE OCEAN
♪ SWEET AND SALTY IN THE SKY
♪ IT'S A LEVEL OF DEVOTION...
- WE DID IT AGAIN.- WE DID IT!
AND I THOUGHTWE WEREN'T GONNA MAKE IT.
WE'LL BE FINE NOW.
- ONCE AGAIN,DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY BEER?
ANYBODY?ANY KIND OF ALCOHOL?
NO?- THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP.
- YEAH. HEY, WHAT THE HECK?- GOOD STUFF.
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU'RE NOT GOING STRAIGHTTO THE OFFICE LIKE I ASKED YOU.
- NO, THIS ISN'T THE DERS WAY.- I LOVE THE DERS WAY.
WHY AREN'T WE GOINGTHE DERS WAY?
THE DERS WAY'S A GOOD WAY.- TRIPLE-LEFT, CENTER, RIGHT.
YOU GUYS NEVER TOLD MEYOU LIKED MY WAY.
I'M GLAD THAT YOU LIKE IT.
IT'S A GOOD--OH, MY GOD! GET DOWN!
- WHAT?- GET DOWN! IT'S ALICE!
EXCUSE ME, SIR!
LISTEN, WE'RE JUSTA COUPLE OF YOUNG BUCKS
CHASING THE AMERICAN DREAM,AND WE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
- BEHIND THE LINE.
- OKAY, HAVEN'T YOU EVERSCREWED THE POOCH?
YOU EVER WANTED A DO-OVER?
IF SO, I'M BEGGING YOU TOGO STRAIGHT TO 24TH AND CROCKER
WITHOUT ANY STOPS.- 24TH AND CROCKER?
- YEAH.- THAT'S 11 STOPS.
- SO WHAT?YOU'RE PERFECT?
I'M LOOKING AT THE GODDAMNMOM TERESA IN FRONT OF ME?
I'VE TOLD MY BOSS I WANTEDTO COVER HER
IN CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DUSTAND THEN SUCK HER--
- I'M WARNING YOU,IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN,
I WILL HAVE YOU REMOVEDFROM THIS BUS.
- I'M OKAY WITH THAT,CONSIDERING--
THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS!
IF WE GO BELOW 50 MILES PER HOUR
OR DON'T GO DIRECTLYTO TELAMERICORP,
WE'RE ALL GOING TO EXPLODE!- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I SAID, "THERE'S A BOMBON THIS BUS!"
- SON, I NEED TO KNOW--- OH! WATCH OUT!
- OH! WHOA!
- CANS! IT WAS JUST CANS.
- IT WAS A MEXI-CAN.
OH, OH, MAN.
- OH, HE'S FINE.
- OH.- HEY, HE'S ALL GOOD.
- DON'T MOVE! DON'T MOVE!
- YOU WERE JUST HIT BY A BUS,BUDDY. SUCK IT UP.
- OH, OH, MAN.NO, I CAN'T DO THIS.
I CAN'T TAKE IT.
[device beeps]
- [coughs]- .06.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO NOT DRUNKIN MY LIFE, MAN.
I'M ABOUT TO BE HUNGOVER, DUDE!- NO!
WE ARE NOT GIVING UP! OKAY?
WE'RE GONNA GOIN THAT LIQUOR STORE,
AND I WILL BUY US SOME BOOZE
TO REPLENISH OUR BODYWITH LIQUOR.
- YEAH- COOL.
- DERS, I MIGHT NEEDTO BORROW A DOLLAR OR TWO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?- I'M NOT...
FEELING--- OH, HE'S PASSING OUT!
HE'S WASTED!- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
- ARE YOU OKAY?- S'GO...WITHOUT ME.
- GO WITHOUT YOU?- YES.
both: OKAY.- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[car horn honks]- ACTUALLY, CARRY ME.
IT'S VERY DANGEROUS OUT HERE.
- YEAH. WE'RE SO CLOSE,WE'RE SO CLOSE.
[car horn honking]ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
- DON'T ACT LIKE YOU NEVERPASSED OUT IN THE STREET
WITH ROLLERBLADES BEFORE!
WE'RE TAKING 'EM JUSTIN CASE THE BEER WEARS OFF.
PRETTY SMART, HUH?- YEAH, BUT THAT'S P.M.
- YEAH, "P.M."THAT'S "POWER MEDICINE," MAN.
YOU TAKE IT TO GAIN MORE POWERIN ONESELF.
- GUYS,THOSE ARE SLEEPING PILLS.
- WHATEVER, DUDE.
I'M GONNA GO NUKE THIS 'RITO.CHEERS.
THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
- DERS, CHECK IT OUT!
YO, DERS.DERS!
I THINK I JUST FOUND OUR RIDETO WORK.
- YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLETHOSE FUTURE BABES?
DUDE, GET WITH IT, OKAY?THEY'RE GONNA ACT ALL BITCHY,
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY'RE GONNAGROW UP AND BE HOT.
WE CAN'T TAKE A RUN AT 'EM YET.
- ALL I'M SAYING IS, I WOULDN'TMIND RIDING THAT MONGOOSE.
- COME ON, DUDE.THEY'RE LIKE 15, TOPS.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIKE,YOU SICK FREAK.
- I'M SORRY.YOU KNOW I'M A BIANCHI GUY.
ADAM, COME ON! LET'S RIDE!
[microwave beeps]- 90 SECONDS.
- COME ON.WE NEED TO GO NOW!
- NO.I'M STARVING!
- DUDE, WE'RE 15 MINUTESFROM LOSING EVERYTHING.
- I'M GONNA BUY THIS BURRITO,DERS.
AND THEN I'M GONNA EAT IT!
- IT'S JUST BEAN AND CHEESE,MAN.
- STILL A BURRITO, MAN!
- I HOPE YOU KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING, MAN.
HERE, COME ON.LET'S GO.
- OH, I KNOWEXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING, MAN.
- HEY-HEY, YOUNG LADIES.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
CHOCO TACOS. NICE.- A CHOCO TACO, IT'S PERFECT.
IT'S, LIKE--IT'S SOMETHINGTHAT WAS PERFECT--A TACO--
AND THEN GOT MORE PERFECTER.
SO, YES, WISE SELECTION.
WHOA, MAN!LOOK AT THESE COOL BIKES!
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?UH, WE'RE ALL YOUNG ADULTS.
WANT TO LET US HOP ONFOR A LITTLE RIDE?
- WHY DON'T YOU GUYSGO RIDE EACH OTHER?
- YEAH? AND YOU SHOULD FRICKINGROLL UP YOUR PANT LEG.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU CAN'T RIDE A BIKEIN JEANS.
YAH! YEAH!- [screams]
- [laughs] BOYS RULE!
- WHERE ARE THEY?
- WHOA!
- WHAT?- UH-OH.
- WHAT?- FUTURE BABES.
THEY NEVER GIVE UP, MAN.
THEY REMIND ME A LOT OF MYSELFWHEN I WAS A FUTURE BABE.
YOU KNOW, MY MANAGER AT TOGO'SALWAYS SAID,
"YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNTTO ANYTHING."
BUT LOOK AT ME NOW!
LOOK AT ME NOW!
- HEY, BLAKE.- WHAT?
- NO ONE ASKED!- [screams]
- GET OFF ME.OH, MY GOD. WE LOSE 'EM?
- I THINK SO.CLUTCH DRIVING, DERS.
WHOA!
WHOA!- OH, MY GOD!
both:THAT WAS AWESOME!
- THERE'S MORE OF THEM.- THE JUICE!
- HOW'D THEY FIND US?- AHH...
- HEY, CLERK.[paper crinkles] DOWN HERE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU SEE THAT LADY OVER THERE?
SHE'S A SHOPLIFTER.SHE'S STEALING.
TAMPONS.SHE'S A TAMPON THIEF.
YOU SHOULD INTERROGATE HERFOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.
OH, WHO AM I,YOU MIGHT WONDER?
I'M A CITIZEN-HERO.
- WATCH THIS.
- HI, GOOD MORNING.JUST THE COFFEE PLEASE.
- JUST THE COFFEE?
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW MEYOUR TAMPONS?
- I'M SORRY?
- OPEN THE BAGAND SHOW ME THE TAMPONS.
- ACTUALLY I DON'T HAVE ANY,ASS[bleep],
BECAUSE I DON'T GETMY PERIOD ANYMORE.
- WHY? WHY DON'T YOU GETYOUR PERIOD ANYMORE?
- UHH--
I CANT SEE!YOUR HAIR!
- EAT BOOZE, LITTLE BABY GIRLS.
ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA TURN AROUND!
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?- KEEP PEDALING! AAH!
- [gasps]- WHOO!
both:HI.
- I HOPE THESE FUTURE BABESBROUGHT THEIR TONGUES.
- WHY, DUDE?
- BECAUSE THEY'RE ABOUTTO TASTE LASER.
COME ON, GET YOUR MIND OUTOF THE GUTTER, YOU SICK FREAK.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- [screams]- [laughs] I GOT ONE!
EAT LASER, SCUMMIES!
- YEAH!- [screams]
- SORRY, CHICA.
YOUR ASS IS ABOUTTO GET KICK-ASSED.
- [laughs]
- OH, NO!- WHAT?
- SHE PUT HER LITTLE THING DOWN.
OH, SHE JUST FLIPPED ME OFF.THAT WASN'T NICE.
- [slurps]
[mumbling]GOOD MORNING.
[heavy metal music]
[entrance bell rings]
♪
- WHO THIS?
- DERS-IE, GUESS WHO'S ABOUTTO BE SKITCHING?
- WHAT?- OH! OW!
