Real Time

  • Season 3, Ep 8
  • 07/17/2012

The guys have to beat Alice to work or risk being fired.

ALICE GETS TO THE OFFICEFIVE MINUTES EARLY EVERY DAY,

WHICH GIVES US 29 MINUTESTO BEAT HER THERE

AND DELETE THOSE MESSAGES.

- THAT'S WEIRD.I DON'T EVEN FEEL HUNGOVER.

- I DRANK, LIKE, 17 BEERS,

AND I FEEL WAY BETTERTHAN I NORMAL DO.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,MAYBE AS YOU GET OLDER

YOU GET BETTER AT HANGOVERS.

- THAT HAS TO BE A FACT.[crash]

all:WHOA!

- JESUS.- WHAT THE--

- GUYS, WE'RE STILL DRUNK.

- WE GOT TO TAKE THE BUS.LET'S GO!

- YEP, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS THERE.- WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- INSIDE. WE NEED BEERS.- WAIT, NO!

BEERS IS WHATGOT US IN THIS SITUATION.

- YEAH, AND IT'SWHAT'S GONNA GET US OUT.

WE'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW,AND WE FEEL GREAT, RIGHT?

IF THIS HANGOVER KICKS IN...

WE'RE SCREWED.- HE'S RIGHT, WE HAVE NO CHOICE.

WE HAVE TO STAY DRUNKTILL WE GET TO THE OFFICE.

- OH, AND I'LL GET

MY SHARPER IMAGE BREATHALYZERKEY CHAIN FROM THE CAR.

THAT WAY, WE CAN MONITOROUR BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL, GUYS.

- YEAH! BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL!

- YEAH, YEAH.OH, ADAM!

LET ME GET TECATESAND A COUPLE OF LIMES, OKAY?

- YOU GOT IT.- OH, AND ADAM?

THANK YOU FOR BEINGA TRUE BRAJ.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, BRAJ.

STAY UP.- I WILL.

both:ALWAYS.

- COME ON, LET'S GO.- ALWAYS, MAN.

- TRUE SOLDIERS, FOR REAL.

- DUDE!- YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!

- YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, DUDE!- COME ON!

- I LOVE THAT GUY, MAN!

DAMN, I FORGOT A BELT!- SHHH.

[cell phone rings]- YO-BA SAYO.

- JILLIAN, IT'S ANDERS.LISTEN TO ME.

I NEED YOUTO GO INTO ALICE'S VOICEMAIL

AND DELETE ALL HER MESSAGESBEFORE SHE GETS IN TODAY.

- OH, I WOULD HAPPILY DO THAT,

BUT IT'S PASSWORD-PROTECTED.

- WHAT? YOU'RE HER ASSISTANT.

YOU DON'T ACCESSTO HER VOICEMAILS?

- HER MOM KEPT LEAVINGTHESE MEAN MESSAGES

ABOUT HOW ALICE WASA BAD DAUGHTER,

SO I COULDN'T TAKE IT,AND I FINALLY JUST CALLED HER

AND I SAID, "LOOK, LADY,

SHUT YOUR MOUTHAND FIND A [bleep] HOBBY."

[techno music]

- ♪ AND I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE

♪ WITH THE STATIC IN THE OCEAN

♪ SWEET AND SALTY IN THE SKY

♪ IT'S A LEVEL OF DEVOTION...

- WE DID IT AGAIN.- WE DID IT!

AND I THOUGHTWE WEREN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

WE'LL BE FINE NOW.

- ONCE AGAIN,DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY BEER?

ANYBODY?ANY KIND OF ALCOHOL?

NO?- THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP.

- YEAH. HEY, WHAT THE HECK?- GOOD STUFF.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR.

YOU'RE NOT GOING STRAIGHTTO THE OFFICE LIKE I ASKED YOU.

- NO, THIS ISN'T THE DERS WAY.- I LOVE THE DERS WAY.

WHY AREN'T WE GOINGTHE DERS WAY?

THE DERS WAY'S A GOOD WAY.- TRIPLE-LEFT, CENTER, RIGHT.

YOU GUYS NEVER TOLD MEYOU LIKED MY WAY.

I'M GLAD THAT YOU LIKE IT.

IT'S A GOOD--OH, MY GOD! GET DOWN!

- WHAT?- GET DOWN! IT'S ALICE!

EXCUSE ME, SIR!

LISTEN, WE'RE JUSTA COUPLE OF YOUNG BUCKS

CHASING THE AMERICAN DREAM,AND WE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.

- BEHIND THE LINE.

- OKAY, HAVEN'T YOU EVERSCREWED THE POOCH?

YOU EVER WANTED A DO-OVER?

IF SO, I'M BEGGING YOU TOGO STRAIGHT TO 24TH AND CROCKER

WITHOUT ANY STOPS.- 24TH AND CROCKER?

- YEAH.- THAT'S 11 STOPS.

- SO WHAT?YOU'RE PERFECT?

I'M LOOKING AT THE GODDAMNMOM TERESA IN FRONT OF ME?

I'VE TOLD MY BOSS I WANTEDTO COVER HER

IN CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DUSTAND THEN SUCK HER--

- I'M WARNING YOU,IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN,

I WILL HAVE YOU REMOVEDFROM THIS BUS.

- I'M OKAY WITH THAT,CONSIDERING--

THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS!

IF WE GO BELOW 50 MILES PER HOUR

OR DON'T GO DIRECTLYTO TELAMERICORP,

WE'RE ALL GOING TO EXPLODE!- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- I SAID, "THERE'S A BOMBON THIS BUS!"

- SON, I NEED TO KNOW--- OH! WATCH OUT!

- OH! WHOA!

- CANS! IT WAS JUST CANS.

- IT WAS A MEXI-CAN.

OH, OH, MAN.

- OH, HE'S FINE.

- OH.- HEY, HE'S ALL GOOD.

- DON'T MOVE! DON'T MOVE!

- YOU WERE JUST HIT BY A BUS,BUDDY. SUCK IT UP.

- OH, OH, MAN.NO, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.

[device beeps]

- [coughs]- .06.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO NOT DRUNKIN MY LIFE, MAN.

I'M ABOUT TO BE HUNGOVER, DUDE!- NO!

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP! OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA GOIN THAT LIQUOR STORE,

AND I WILL BUY US SOME BOOZE

TO REPLENISH OUR BODYWITH LIQUOR.

- YEAH- COOL.

- DERS, I MIGHT NEEDTO BORROW A DOLLAR OR TWO.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?- I'M NOT...

FEELING--- OH, HE'S PASSING OUT!

HE'S WASTED!- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

- ARE YOU OKAY?- S'GO...WITHOUT ME.

- GO WITHOUT YOU?- YES.

both: OKAY.- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[car horn honks]- ACTUALLY, CARRY ME.

IT'S VERY DANGEROUS OUT HERE.

- YEAH. WE'RE SO CLOSE,WE'RE SO CLOSE.

[car horn honking]ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MA'AM.

- DON'T ACT LIKE YOU NEVERPASSED OUT IN THE STREET

WITH ROLLERBLADES BEFORE!

WE'RE TAKING 'EM JUSTIN CASE THE BEER WEARS OFF.

PRETTY SMART, HUH?- YEAH, BUT THAT'S P.M.

- YEAH, "P.M."THAT'S "POWER MEDICINE," MAN.

YOU TAKE IT TO GAIN MORE POWERIN ONESELF.

- GUYS,THOSE ARE SLEEPING PILLS.

- WHATEVER, DUDE.

I'M GONNA GO NUKE THIS 'RITO.CHEERS.

THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE.

- DERS, CHECK IT OUT!

YO, DERS.DERS!

I THINK I JUST FOUND OUR RIDETO WORK.

- YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLETHOSE FUTURE BABES?

DUDE, GET WITH IT, OKAY?THEY'RE GONNA ACT ALL BITCHY,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY'RE GONNAGROW UP AND BE HOT.

WE CAN'T TAKE A RUN AT 'EM YET.

- ALL I'M SAYING IS, I WOULDN'TMIND RIDING THAT MONGOOSE.

- COME ON, DUDE.THEY'RE LIKE 15, TOPS.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIKE,YOU SICK FREAK.

- I'M SORRY.YOU KNOW I'M A BIANCHI GUY.

ADAM, COME ON! LET'S RIDE!

[microwave beeps]- 90 SECONDS.

- COME ON.WE NEED TO GO NOW!

- NO.I'M STARVING!

- DUDE, WE'RE 15 MINUTESFROM LOSING EVERYTHING.

- I'M GONNA BUY THIS BURRITO,DERS.

AND THEN I'M GONNA EAT IT!

- IT'S JUST BEAN AND CHEESE,MAN.

- STILL A BURRITO, MAN!

- I HOPE YOU KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING, MAN.

HERE, COME ON.LET'S GO.

- OH, I KNOWEXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING, MAN.

- HEY-HEY, YOUNG LADIES.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

CHOCO TACOS. NICE.- A CHOCO TACO, IT'S PERFECT.

IT'S, LIKE--IT'S SOMETHINGTHAT WAS PERFECT--A TACO--

AND THEN GOT MORE PERFECTER.

SO, YES, WISE SELECTION.

WHOA, MAN!LOOK AT THESE COOL BIKES!

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?UH, WE'RE ALL YOUNG ADULTS.

WANT TO LET US HOP ONFOR A LITTLE RIDE?

- WHY DON'T YOU GUYSGO RIDE EACH OTHER?

- YEAH? AND YOU SHOULD FRICKINGROLL UP YOUR PANT LEG.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE YOU CAN'T RIDE A BIKEIN JEANS.

YAH! YEAH!- [screams]

- [laughs] BOYS RULE!

- WHERE ARE THEY?

- WHOA!

- WHAT?- UH-OH.

- WHAT?- FUTURE BABES.

THEY NEVER GIVE UP, MAN.

THEY REMIND ME A LOT OF MYSELFWHEN I WAS A FUTURE BABE.

YOU KNOW, MY MANAGER AT TOGO'SALWAYS SAID,

"YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNTTO ANYTHING."

BUT LOOK AT ME NOW!

LOOK AT ME NOW!

- HEY, BLAKE.- WHAT?

- NO ONE ASKED!- [screams]

- GET OFF ME.OH, MY GOD. WE LOSE 'EM?

- I THINK SO.CLUTCH DRIVING, DERS.

WHOA!

WHOA!- OH, MY GOD!

both:THAT WAS AWESOME!

- THERE'S MORE OF THEM.- THE JUICE!

- HOW'D THEY FIND US?- AHH...

- HEY, CLERK.[paper crinkles] DOWN HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YOU SEE THAT LADY OVER THERE?

SHE'S A SHOPLIFTER.SHE'S STEALING.

TAMPONS.SHE'S A TAMPON THIEF.

YOU SHOULD INTERROGATE HERFOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.

OH, WHO AM I,YOU MIGHT WONDER?

I'M A CITIZEN-HERO.

- WATCH THIS.

- HI, GOOD MORNING.JUST THE COFFEE PLEASE.

- JUST THE COFFEE?

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW MEYOUR TAMPONS?

- I'M SORRY?

- OPEN THE BAGAND SHOW ME THE TAMPONS.

- ACTUALLY I DON'T HAVE ANY,ASS[bleep],

BECAUSE I DON'T GETMY PERIOD ANYMORE.

- WHY? WHY DON'T YOU GETYOUR PERIOD ANYMORE?

- UHH--

I CANT SEE!YOUR HAIR!

- EAT BOOZE, LITTLE BABY GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA TURN AROUND!

- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?- KEEP PEDALING! AAH!

- [gasps]- WHOO!

both:HI.

- I HOPE THESE FUTURE BABESBROUGHT THEIR TONGUES.

- WHY, DUDE?

- BECAUSE THEY'RE ABOUTTO TASTE LASER.

COME ON, GET YOUR MIND OUTOF THE GUTTER, YOU SICK FREAK.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- [screams]- [laughs] I GOT ONE!

EAT LASER, SCUMMIES!

- YEAH!- [screams]

- SORRY, CHICA.

YOUR ASS IS ABOUTTO GET KICK-ASSED.

- [laughs]

- OH, NO!- WHAT?

- SHE PUT HER LITTLE THING DOWN.

OH, SHE JUST FLIPPED ME OFF.THAT WASN'T NICE.

- [slurps]

[mumbling]GOOD MORNING.

[heavy metal music]

[entrance bell rings]

- WHO THIS?

- DERS-IE, GUESS WHO'S ABOUTTO BE SKITCHING?

- WHAT?- OH! OW!

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