Tuesday, March 25, 2014

  • 03/25/2014

Todd Barry, Jenny Johnson and Mike Lawrence take a look at what's going on at Walmart, list #CrappySnacks and caption a viewer-submitted selfie.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WALMART: WHERE AMERICA GOES

TO SCRATCH ITS ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT, DON'T BELIEVE ME?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO MY

NEW FRIEND, WORLD STAR HIP-HOP?

THIS VIDEO I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU

HAS MORE THAN HALF A MILLION

VIEWS IN LESS THAN A DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, DIG IN THERE, GET IN THERE.

>> I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE THE

BLOCK OVER HER EYES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT IS THE WORST SUPERHERO

DISGUISE EVER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO THIS IS SOMETHING

THAT HAPPENED.

THIS WOMAN DID THIS.

WE ALL SAW IT, SO MY NEXT

QUESTION IS, WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT

AFTER THIS?

DOES SHE, A) WIPE IT ON A

PASSING CLERK'S SMOCK?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

B) SHE EATS IT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

C) HER HANDS GO DOWN THE FRONT

OF HER PANTS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THAT IS THE ONE THING THAT

GROSSES YOU OUT THE MOST?

(LAUGHTER)

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> B) SHE EATS IT, BECAUSE IT IS

THE ONLY ORGANIC THING THEY SELL

AT WALMART.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WOW.

I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT

REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME, I AM

GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

SO YOU ALREADY HAVE 100 POINTS.

LET'S ACTUALLY WATCH TO FIND OUT

HOW THIS MACGUFFIN PLAYS OUT.

DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT.

DON'T DO IT!

OH!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

OH!

(LAUGHTER)

NOW COMEDIANS, ONCE YOU'VE

FINISHED NOT TRYING TO THROW UP,

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR

YELP REVIEW OF THAT DELICIOUS

SAMPLE.

TODD BARRY, GO.

>> I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE THIS

PLACE, BUT ASIDE FROM THE

CONVENIENT HOURS, I WOULD SAY IT

IS OVERRATED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, I WILL GIVE

YOU 100 POINTS FOR THAT.

JENNY JOHNSON.

>> THE TASTE WAS OUT OF THIS

WORLD, LICKED THE PLATE CLEAN.

FOUR STARS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> TASTES BETTER AT TARGET.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS TO MIKE

LAWRENCE.

LET'S MOVE ON BEFORE WE ALL

THROW UP.

(LAUGHTER)

NBA STAR CHRIS BOSH IS A STAR

OF MANY A MEME.

MY FAVORITE IS BOSH OSTRICH

FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HERE HE IS THROUGH THE

YEARS.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE THERE.

WELL, BOSH GAVE THE INTERNET

EVEN MORE LOVE TODAY WHEN HE

SHOWED UP ON worldredeye.com,

A SITE THAT IS SO MIAMI IT IS

ACTUALLY PART OF CUBA.

SO I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT

HIM ENJOYING A BIRTHDAY CIGAR AT

A STRIP CLUB.

THERE HE IS.

THERE IS THE CIGAR AND THEN,

IF YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSELY,

WHAT YOU SEE HERE, THIS IS A MAN

WHO MAKES $17.5 MILLION A YEAR,

AND THAT IS ABOUT $36.

(LAUGHTER)

HE IS MAKING IT RAIN WASHINGTONS

RIGHT THERE.

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT THE MONEY THAT HE GOT IN

HIS BIRTHDAY CARD FROM HIS NANA?

OH, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO, EVERY YEAR, THERE'S

36 OF THEM.

>> ISN'T THAT WHAT THE JOKER DID

AT THE PARADE IN THE FIRST

BATMAN MOVIE?

>> Chris: BATMAN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

DURING THE SHREK PARADE, THAT IS

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

>> SPEAKING OF BIRTHDAY CARDS,

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY.

>> Chris: REALLY, WELL, HAPPY

BIRTHDAY, TODD BARRY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT'S MORE THAN I USUALLY

GET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, FOR 100

POINTS, IF YOU ARE AN NBA

SUPERSTAR, WHAT IS THE NAME OF

THE STRIP CLUB ACT THAT YOU CAN

BUY FOR $36?

TODD BARRY.

>> HOW ABOUT EXTREME COUPONING

EDNA?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AND YOU GAVE HER AN

OLD NAME, TOO.

SHE IS CUTTING COUPONS, BUT YOU

CAN'T TOUCH THE COUPONS?

IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

JENNY.

>> IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT

$36 GETS YOU LIKE TWO BUD

LIGHTS IN A STRIP CLUB.

JUST TWO BUD LIGHTS.

TWO LUKEWARM BUD LIGHTS.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

>> Chris: TWO WARM BUD LIGHTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> BOSH.O FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WOW.

THAT IS A BIT OF A THINKER, THE

CROWD, THERE WAS A WAVE OF,

"WHOA! WHOA!"

>> I LIKE THAT THERE IS ACTUALLY

A STRIPPER THAT REALLY LOOKED

LIKE SHE DOVE FOR ONE OF THOSE

DOLLARS.

THERE'S A HEEL JUST UPRIGHT.

WHERE IS THE REST OF HER?

>> Chris: DO YOU SEE THIS LEG

HERE?

WELL, NOW IT IS TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN HONOR OF MY NEW FAVORITE

LITERAL VIRAL VIDEO.

MMM.

OH, YEAH.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#CRAPPYSNACKS.

#CRAPPYSNACKS.

DON'T SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME IN

THE FRONT ROW, SIR.

YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SIGNING

UP FOR WHEN YOU CAME TO THIS

PROGRAM.

(LAUGHTER)

SO EXAMPLES OF CRAPPY SNACKS--

THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE POOP BASED

AS THE ADJECTIVE WOULD SUGGEST.

NOW, YOU COULD SAY "POOP TARTS"

WOULD BE ONE, BUT YOU CAN ALSO

GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION AND

JUST DESCRIBE BAD SNACKS, LIKE

"QUEEF JERKY" WOULD BE ONE OR

"LIVE CHICKEN IN A BISCUIT"

MIGHT BE ANOTHER ONE THAT YOU

COULD GO FOR.

SO YOU CAN ATTACK THIS FROM ANY

ANGLE, I'M GOING TO PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

TODD.

>> M & M-PHYSEMAS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

I LIKE IT.

JENNY.

>> ROOFIES AND CREAM.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> DIA-REESE'S PIECES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THOSE WERE ET'S

FAVORITE, POINTS.

MIKE, AGAIN.

>> SOMALI RANCHERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THEY WILL OVERTAKE

YOUR TASTE BUDS.

>> I'M THE CANDY NOW!

>> Chris: POINTS!

JENNY.

>> DOUBLE STUFFED GLORY HOLES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

TODD BARRY.

>> IT HURTS WHEN I PEE-NUTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> JIZZLERS.

>> Chris: YES!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: MAKES

MOUTHS HAPPY!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CRAIGSLIST IS NOT ONLY A GREAT

PLACE TO MEET YOUR FUTURE

EX-STALKER, YOU CAN ALSO FIND

APARTMENTS ON IT SOMETIMES.

SO I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU PHOTOS

OF AN APARTMENT AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS

TO COME UP WITH A BETTER LINE

TO SELL IT THAN THE REAL

TAGLINE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DO.

SO HERE'S THIS FIRST ONE.

STRIPPER NOT INCLUDED, TODD

BARRY.

>> ROOMMATE WANTED.

MUST KNOW HOW TO DISINFECT A

POLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, TODD BARRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JENNY, MIKE, DID YOU HAVE ONE

FOR THIS?

>> DADDY ISSUES INCLUDED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

VERY MUCH POINTS!

"IN THE FLOOR JACUZZI, MIRRORS

EVERYWHERE, GINORMOUS WELL

STOCKED BAR."

WHAT KIND OF VEGAS (BLEEP) HOLE

WAS THIS...

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHARLIE SHEEN'S BACK HOUSE.

>> Chris: THE WALLPAPER IS MADE

OF ROOFIES.

LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT PHOTO, THIS IS 40

POUNDS A WEEK, IT SAYS:

THIS IS LIKE THE FLOOR IN "BEING

JOHN MALKOVICH" WHERE YOU GET

OUT AND YOU GET TO BE JOHN

MALKOVICH.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> COMES WITH BOTH THE LOTION

AND THE BASKET.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: SO DO I!

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

$500, YOU GUYS, $500.

YES, JENNY JOHNSON.

>> BEDROOM, 7.1 SQUARE FEET;

TOILET, 71% OF THE EARTH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

PERFECT.

PERFECT SELLING POINT.

NEXT ONE, $250.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THIS USED TO BE DAVID

CARRADINE'S VACATION HOT SPOT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YOU KNOW, I COULD

NEVER SUPPORT SUCH A JOKE, MIKE

LAWRENCE, BUT THIS AUDIENCE

DEMANDS THAT I GIVE YOU POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU

THIS AMAZING SELFIE THAT ONE OF

OUR VIEWERS SENT TO US.

(LAUGHTER)

IN FRANCE, THEY CALL THAT A

ROYAL WITH CHEESE.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, I ASKED YOU GUYS TO

SNAPCHAT-IFY IT BY DRAWING ON IT

AND THEN GIVING IT A CAPTION.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

TODD BARRY.

THERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

>> "YOU REGRET BECOMING A VEGAN

NOW, HUH GIRL?"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL MET, SIR.

JENNY JOHNSON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NICE.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TINDER IS AN OKAY DATING APP

TO FIND LOVE BUT A TOTALLY

AWESOME APP FOR SEMI-ANONYMOUS

SEX.

SO I WANT YOU GUYS TO TELL ME

TERRIBLE OPENING LINES THAT YOU

WOULD NEVER WANT A POSSIBLE

SUITOR TO TEXT YOU.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WANT TO MAKE MUMFORD SOME

SONS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO MIKE

LAWRENCE.

JENNY.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO FINALLY

MASTURBATE TO YOU IN PERSON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

MIKE.

>> WANT TO JOIN MY DALLAS BUYERS

CLUB?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS, YEAH.

GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

JENNY.

>> MY KIDS HAVE BEEN PRACTICING

CALLING YOU DADDY ALL MORNING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

TODD BARRY.

>> IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE

PAYING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JENNY.

>> I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED AT

FIRST, BUT THANK GOD YOU DO LOOK

JUST LIKE MY MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WHAT DOES THE WORD "NO" MEAN

AGAIN?

ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

(LAUGHTER)

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