Tuesday, March 25, 2014

  • 03/25/2014

Todd Barry, Jenny Johnson and Mike Lawrence take a look at what's going on at Walmart, list #CrappySnacks and caption a viewer-submitted selfie.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WAL-MART IS WHERE

AMERICA GOES TO SCRATCH ITS ASS.

WHAT? DON'T BELIEVE ME? WELL,WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO MY NEW

FRIEND WORLD STAR HIP-HOP.

THIS VIDEO HAS MORE THAN HALF AMILLION VIEWS IN LESS THAN A DAY

>> OH, DIG IN THERE, GET INTHERE.

>> I LOVE THE BLACK OVER HEREYES >> THAT IS IS THE WORST

SUPERHERO DISGUISE EVER.

>> Chris: THIS IS SOMETHINGTHAT HAPPENED, THIS WOMAN DID

THIS.

WE ALL THOUGHT MY NEXT QUESTIONIS, WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER

DOES SHE A, WIPE IT ON CLERK'SSMOCK? >> B, SHE EATSIT.

C, HER HANDS GO DOWN THE FRONTOF HER PANTS.

THAT IS THE ONE THING HATGROSSES YOU OUT THE MOST?

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> B, SHE EATS IT BECAUSE IT ISTHE ONLY ORGANIC THING THEY SELL

AT WAL-MART.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WOW.

REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME I AMGOING TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

YOU ALREADY HAVE 100 POINTS. LET'S ACTUALLY WATCH TO FIND OUT

HOW THIS PLAYS OUT.

DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT.

DON'T DO IT! OH! OH!

>> COMEDIANS ONCE YOU'REFINISHED NOT TRYING TO THROW UP

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME YOURYELP REVIEW OF THAT DELICIOUS

SAMLPE, TODD BARRY GO.

>> I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE THISPLACE BUT ASIDE FROM THE

CONVENIENT HOURS I WOULD SAY ITIS OVERRATED.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU 100POINTS.

>> JENNNY JOHNSON.

>> THE TASTE WAS OUT OF THISWORLD, FOUR STARS.

>> Chris: POINTS. MIKE LAWRENCE

>> TASTES BETTER AT TARGETS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS FOR MIKELAWRENCE.

LET'S MOVE ON BEFORE WE ALLTHROW UP.

NBA STAR CHRIS BOSH IS A STAR OFMANY A MEME, MY FAVORITE IS BOSH

OSTRICH FACE.

HERE HE IS THROUGH THE YEARS.

>> WELL, BOSH GAVE THE INTERNETEVEN MORE LOVE TODAY WHEN HE

SHOWED UP ON WORLDREDEYE.COM ASITE THAT IS SO MIAMI IT IS

ACTUALLY PART OF CUBA.

SO I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HIMENJOYING A BIRTHDAY CIGAR AT A

STRIP CLUB.

THERE IS THE CIGAR AND LOOK, IFYOU LOOK REALLY CLOSELY WHAT YOU

SEE HERE, THIS IS A MAN WHOMAKES $17.5 MILLION A YEAR AND

THAT IS ABOUT $36.

HH IS MAKING IT RAINWASHINGTONS. IS THAT THE MONEYHE GOT IN HIS

BIRTHDAY CARD FROM HIS NANA? OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

EVERY YEAR.

ISN'T THAT WHAT THE JOKER DID ATTHE PARADE IN THE FIRST BATMAN

MOVIE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

DURING THE SHREK PARADE THAT ISWHAT HAPPENED.

>> SPEAKING OF BIRTHDAY CARDS,IT IS MY BIRTHDAY.

>> Chris: WELL, HAPPYBIRTHDAY, TODD BARRY!

>> IT IS MORE THAN I USUALLYGET.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS FOR 100POINTS IF YOU ARE AN NBA

SUPERSTAR WHAT IS THE NAME OFTHE STRIP CLUB ACT THAT

YOU CAN BUY FOR $36. TODD BARRY?

>> HOW ABOUT EXTREME COUPONINGEDNA?

>> Chris: AND YOU GAVE HER ANOLD NAME TOO.

SHE IS CUTTING COUPON BUT YOUCAN'T TOUCH THE COUPONS.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT, JENNY.

>> IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING $36GETS YOU TWO BUD LIGHTS.

JUST TWO BUD LIGHTS.

>> Chris: TWO BUD LIGHTS. TWOLUKEWARM BUD LIGHTS

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> BOSH.0 FACED.

>> Chris: THAT IS A BIG OF ATINKER BUT THERE WAS A WAVE OFWHOA

>> I LIKE THAT THERE IS ACTUALLYA STRIPPER THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE

DOVE FOR ONE OF THOSE DOLLARS.

>> Chris: DO YOU SEE THAT LEGHERE?

NOW IT IS TIMEFOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

IN HONOR OF MY NEW FAVORITELITERAL VIRAL VIDEO.

>> MMM.

OH, YEAH.

>> Chris: TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISCRAPPY SNACKS.

DON'T SHAKE YOURRHEAD TO ME INTHE FRONT ROW, SIR, YOU KNEW

WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR WHEN YOUCAME INTO THIS PROGRAM.

EXAMPLES OF CRAPPY SNACKS THEYDON'T HAVE TO BE POOP BASED.

YOU COULD SAY POOP TARTS . BUTYOU COULD ALSO GO IN A DIFFERENT

DIRECTION AND DESCRIBE BADSNACKS LIKE QUEEF JERKY, OR LIVE

CHICKEN IN A BISCUIT MAY BEANOTHER ONE. ATTACK THIS

FROM ANY ANGLE, 60-SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

TODD.>> M & M PLECEMIS.

I LIKE IT. YES, JENNY?

>> ROOFIES AND CREAM.

DIARRHESIES PIECES.

THOSE WERE ET'S FAVORITE.

POINTS. MIKE, AGAIN.

>> SOMALI RANCHERS.

>> Chris: THEY WILL OVERTAKEYOUR TASTE BUDS.

>> I AM THE CANDY NOW!

>>>Chris: POINTS! JENNY.

>> DOUBLE STUFFED GLORY HOLES.

>> Chris: POINTS! TODD BARRY.

>> IT HURTS WHEN I PEANUTS.

>> Chris: POINTS. MIKE.

>> JIZZLERS.

>> Chris: YES! YOU KNOW WHATTHEY SAY, MAKE MOUTHS HAPPY!

GET A ROOM!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: CRAIGSLIST IS NOT

ONLY A GREAT PLACE TO MEET YOURFUTURE EX-STALKER, YOU CAN ALSO

FIND APARTMENTS ON IT SOMETIMES.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU PHOTOS OFAN APARTMENT FOR 250 POINTS I

WANT YOU GUYS TO COME UP WITH ABETTER TAG LINE TO SELL IT

THAN THE REAL TAG LINE

ALL RIGHT.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

STRIPPER POLE AND STAGE INLIVING ROOM.

STRIPPER NOT INCLUDED, TODDBARRY.

>> ROOMMATE WANTED MUST KNOW HOWTO DISINFECT A POLE.

>> Chris: POINTS TODD BARRY.

>> JENNY, MIKE?

>> DADDY ISSUES INCLUDED.

>> Chris: POINTS! VERY MUCHPOINTS!

>> JACUZZI, WELL STOCKED BAR,WHAT KIND OF VEGAS (BLEEP) HOLE

IS THIS? THE WALLPAPER IS MADEOF ROOFIES.

>> Chris: NEXT PHOTO, THIS IS40 POUNDS A WEEK, IT SAYS FORMER

STORAGE SPACE, IDEALLY IT WOULDSUIT SOMEONE LESS THAN 5-4 TALL

AND NO HISTORY OFCLAUSTROPHOBIA.

>> THIS IS LIKE THE FLOOR BEINGIN JOHN MALKOVICH.

>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> COMES WITH BOTH THE LOTIONAND THE BASKET.

>> Chris: SO DO I! ALRIGHT, NEXTONE.

$500, YOU GUYS, $500, NATURE,YES! PARKING HAS BECOME AN

ISSUE RECENTLY SO YOU NEED YOUROWN BOAT TO MAKE THE TWO AND A

HALF MILE ONE WAY COMMUTE.

YES, JENNY, JEENY JOHNSON.

>> BEDROOM 7.1 SQUARE FEET,TOILEE, 71 PERCENT OF THE EARTH.

>> Chris: POINTS! PERFECT! NEXT ONE, $250 MUST RENT SOON

TO HELP PAY BILLS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THIS USED TO BE DAVIDCARRADINE'S VACATION HOT SPOT.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW I COULDNEVER SUPPORT SUCH A JOKE, MIKE

LAWRENCE, BUT THIS AUDIENNEDEMANDS THAT I GIVE YOU POINTS.

BEEORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS AMAZING SELFIE THAT ONE

OF OUR VIEWERS SENT TO US.

IN FRANCE THEY CALL THAT A ROYALWITH CHEESE.

COMIEDIANS I ASKED YOU GUYS TOSNAPCHAT-IFY IT BY DRAWING ON IT

AND GIVING IT A CAPTION, TODDBARRY.

YOU REGRET THE COMING OF VEGANNOW, HUH GIRL?

>> Chris: WELL MET, SIR.

JENNY JOHNSON.

>>>I ALL I CAME UP WITH MEAT,MEAT, LEMONADE THIS IS WHERE THE

HEART ATTACK IS MADE.

TINDER DATE OPENING LINES

>> TINDER IS AN OKAY DATING APPTO FIND LOVE BUT A TOTALLY

AWESOME APP FOR SEMIANONYMOUSSEX.

TELL ME TERRIBLE OPENING LINESYOU WOULD NEVER WANT A POSSIBLE

SUITOR TO TEXT YOU.

WANT TO MAKE MUMFORD SOME SONS?

>> Chris: POINTS TO MIKELAWRENCE. JENNY.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO FINALLYMASTURBATE TO YOU IN PERSON.

>> Chris: POINTS! MIKE.

>> WANT TO JOIN MY DALLAS BUYERSCLUB?

>> Chris: GOT TO GIVE YOUPOINTS, YES.

GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> MY KIDS HAVE BEEN PRACTICINGCALLING YOU DADDY ALL MORNING!

>> Chris: POINTS! TODD BARRY.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, YOU'REPAYING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JENNY.

>> I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ATFIRST BUT THANK GOD YOU DO LOOK

JUST LIKE MY MOM.

>> Chris: POINTS. MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WHAT DOES THE WORD NO MEANAGAIN? ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

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