Wednesday, February 4, 2015

  • 02/04/2015

Sara Schaefer, Maz Jobrani and Matt Braunger come up with complaints that Fox News might have about Disney, #RuinASoup and guess which bizarre Tumblrs are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

WELL, THE INTREPID REPORTERSAT FOX NEWS ARE AT IT AGAIN,

LETTING US KNOW ABOUT THEINSEDDUOUS WAYS HOLLYWOOD IS

USING CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENTTO TURN OUR KIDS INTO VEGAN

GAY MARRIAGE ZOMBIES WHO USEBAMACARE TO GET HOOKED ON

MEDICINAL HEROIN.

THIS TIME THANKFULLY THEYHAVE BLOWN THE MRFING LID

OFF DISNEY'S "FROZEN" FORTURNING OUR LITTLE GIRLS

AGAINST MEN.

WATCH THIS, BECAUSE IT'SIMPORTANT.

>> WELL, AND IT'S NOT JUSTDISNEY, I MEAN IT'S HOLLYWOOD

IN GENERAL HAS OFTEN SENT THEMESSAGE THAT MEN ARE

SUPERFLUOUS, THAT THEY'RESTUPID, THAT THEY'RE IN THE WAY.

>> IT WOULD BE NICE FORHOLLYWOOD TO HAVE MORE MALE

FIGURES IN THOSE KIND OFMOVIES.

>> STRONG MALE FIGURES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: I'M SO GLAD SOMEONEFINALLY STOOD UP FOR MEN IN

FILMS, I MEAN JESUS CHRIST --

(APPLAUSE)

I MEAN WE HAVE BEEN TAKING ABACKSEAT TO WOMEN FOR YEARS.

(LAUGHTER)

ON BEHALF OF GUYS, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY FOR THIS.

I ACTUALLY HAD A THEORY ABOUTWHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE.

I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THEPERMA-DOWNTURNED MOUTH

THIS EYE LASH IS STARTING TOUNRAVEL OFF HER EYE MUCH

LIKE, MUCH LIKE HER ARGUMENTON A MUCH BIGGER SCALE HER

SOUL INSIDE.

I SEE THE RED LIP STICK, ISEE THE RED DRESS, I SEE THE

FAKE TAN.

SHE IS A FIRE ELEMENTAL,HERE TO MELT ELSA'S ICE

CASTLE.

I KNEW IT.

THAT'S WHAT THIS. THAT'SWHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT.

(APPLAUSE)

"FATHER USED TO KNOW BEST,HOLLYWOOD MAKES DADS LOOK

FOOLISH AND DUMB."

NO, FOX NEWS MAKES DADS LOOKFOOLISH AND DUMB, I WOULD SAY.

THIS GUY, THIS GUY LOOKSLIKE IF BILL O'REILLY'S

TAINT WAS AN EMOJI.

DO YOU THINK SHE SAIDSUPERFLOUS WRONG TO

MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER HIMSELF.

>> CHRIS: IF YOUR MANHOOD ISTHREATENED BY DISNEY FILMS,

GET A DICK IMPLANT OR ANSWERTHE SPAM THAT'S OFFERING

YOU A WIDER SCHLONG.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I'MGUESSING THIS TRAVESTY DOESN'T

STOP AT FROZEN.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER IRRATIONALWOMEN'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT

OTHER DISNEY MOVE YEARS,SARA SCHAEFER.

>> A CANDLESTICK LIVING WITHA TEAPOT BEFORE MARRIAGE IS

AN ABOMINATION.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.YEAH.

>> YES, YES.

>> CHRIS: MAZ.

>> ALADDIN, IT'S NOT RACISTENOUGH AGAINST MUSLIMS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> HASN'T THE MOVIE BEEN OUTFOR LIKE TWO YEARS?

LIKE, WHY IS IT JUST A STORYNOW.

LIKE --

>> CHRIS: OH, BECAUSE OF THIS,RIGHT HERE.

>> YES.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> CHRIS: MOVING ON, A BIG RIGHAULING FROZEN CHICKEN EXPLODED

IN INDIO, CALIFORNIA EARLIERTHIS WEEK, COLLIDING WITH A

TRUCK TRANSPORTING BEES.

SO I GUESS THE BEES FORGOTTHEY CAN FLY PLACES.

IS THE TRUCK LIKE BEE-UBER?WHERE THEY'RE ALL LIKE, WE'LL

GO AS A HIVE.

BUT IT RESULTED IN WHAT WILLPROBABLY BE THE NEXT SITE OF

THE GATHERING OF THEJUGGALOS.

THIS IS WHAT THE RESUT WAS.

THE REPORTER TWEETED 19PHOTOS OF THE COLLISION.

FOLKS, THIS IS A REAL NEWSSTORY.

THIS IS NOT HOW THE NEWGHOSTBUSTER STARS OR HOW

COACHELLA ENDS. THIS IS JUST ATHING THAT HAPPENED.

NEITHER DRIVER, THANFULLY, WASSEVERELY INJURED, BUT THEY WERE

BOTH FORCE INTO AN AWKWARDVERSION OF THE BEES KINDA TALK.

THE FIREBALL COOKED THECHICKEN AND UNDERSTANDABLY

PISSED OFF THE FLAMING BEES.

COMEDIANS, IF THIS HIDEOUS MEATMOUNTAIN WERE AN ACTUAL AN

INTERSTATE EATERY, WHAT WOULDTHE SLOGAN BE?

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> COME FOR THE SALMONELLA,STAY FOR THE ANAPHYLACTIC

SHOCK.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLYWORRIED I WASN'T GOING TO

MENTION IT, BUT I AM A PATRIOT.

TODAY IS NATIONAL HOMEMADESOUP DAY.

AND -- AS IF I NEEDED TO TELLYOU GUYS.

SO IN HONOR OF THOSE POORSOULS IN THE MIDWEST STILL

DIGGING THEMSELVES OUT OFALMOST FOUR FEET OF SNOW,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS -- SNOW:IT'S LIKE ICE SAND FOR

CALIFORNIANS.

THE HASHTAG IS #RuinASoup.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE ATHLETIC CUP'O NOODLES.

OR UDON DRAPER.

OR LOBSTER BIZKIT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSSTARTING NOW, AND GO.

SARA?

>> BARLEY AND ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT SOUP HAS A VERY SAD ENDING.

MAZ.

>> DICK-EN NOODLE SOUP.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> BLOWN CHUNKS BEEF STEW.

EXCUSE ME -- YEAH, I ALMOSTBRAFED.

>> CHRIS: DID YOU GAG WHILE YOUWERE SAYING IT?

>> I GAGGED WILE I SAID IT.

GET IT OUT.

>> CHRIS: SARA.

>> WONTONTON SOUP.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

SARA.

>> FRENCH BUNION.

>> GOOD ONE.

>> CHRIS: MAZ JOBRANI.

>> UNSHAVEN CLAM CHOWDER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> CHICKEN BUTT NOODLES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

SARA.

>> ABORSCHTON.

IT'S JUST BORSCHT WITH ONION.IT'S JUST BORSCHT WITH ONION.

>> CHRIS: OH, THAT'S ALL IT IS,OKAY. OKAY.

BUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO PLAYSUPER FREAKOUT.

SUPER FREAKOUT.

(APPLAUSE)

PUBLIC FREAK OUTS USED TO BEBETWEEN YOU, THE PEOPLE IN

EARSHOT AND WHATEVER YOUR DEITYOF CHOICE IS, BUT THANKS TO

THE INTERNET WE ARE ALL THEDEITY OF CHOICE.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU AFREAKOUT THAT WAS POSTED ON THE

YOUTUBES WITH NO EXPLANATION OFWHY THEY WERE FREAKING

THE [BLEEP] OUT.

AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOUTO BUZZ IN AND TELL ME WHY

THEY MAD.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST ONE, A FAMILYDOLLAR EMPLOYEE BRANDISHING A

BOTTLE OF FEBREZE.

(YELLING OVER EACH OTHER)

(SCREAMING AND CURSING)

>> CHRIS: WHY THEY SO MAD? MAZ.

>> BECAUSE HE WORKS AT ADOLLAR STORE AND GETS PAID

ON COMMISSION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. OH YEAH,THAT'S A BAD DEAL.

>> YEAH.

>> CHRIS: BRAUNGER.

>> THIS IS DEFINITELY A GAME OFTHRONE SPOILER.

SHE SAID, YOU DIDN'T HEARTHAT KING I DON'T HAVERY GOT

KILLED AND POISONED?

"OH, YOU BITCHI I'M ONLY ONSEASON TWO."

THAT IS IT.

>> CHRIS: THAT HAD TO BE IT.

YEAH. POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THISPISSED OFF HOCKEY DAD.

>> GET THE WHEELS ON THE PUCK.

>> WAY TO GO, PAUL.

>> CHRIS: WAY TO GO, PAUL.

>> WAY TO GO, PAUL!

>> CHRIS: OH MY GOD.

>PAUL IS A MONSTER.

MAZ.

>> ONE NIGHT OF DRUNK SEXAND NOW HE'S GOT TO SPEND

HIS WHOLE LIFE WATCHINGPEEWEE HOCKEY.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S --POINTS.

YEP.

SARA.

>> BECAUSE HIS SON WASN'TEVEN PAYING ATTENTION.

THAT KID JUST FLEW RIGHT BY HIM.HIS KID SUCKS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

LAST ONE --

THIS BILINGUAL DAD.

>> OH, DON'T BE [BLEEP] COMINGUP TO ME.

>> SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH?

DO YOU SPEAK GERMAN?!

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOWS WHAT'SHAPPENING THERE.

WHY IS THIS GUY DESPERATELY NEEDSOMEONE WHO SPRECHENS SIE

DEUTSCH.

MAZ.

>> HE JUST FOUND OUT THENAZI'S LOST.

>> CHRIS: OH, AND HE'S VERY UPSET BECAUSE HE'S LATE TO GET TO

HIS JOB WHERE HE HAS TO TAKEFROZEN DOWN ON FOX NEWS.

POINTS. SARA.

>> HE NEEDS TO KNOW IF THEHOOKER IN HIS CAR IS NINE

OR JUST SAYING "NO."

>> CHRIS: THAT'S [BLEEP]BRILLIANT.

POINTS.

IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMETUMBLREALITY.

(APPLAUSE)

TUMBLR MAKES IT EXTREMELY EASYTO SET UP A BLOG REGARDLESS OF

HOW WEIRD AND COMPLETELYUNNECESSARY THAT BLOG MIGHT BE.

IT'S FUN.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA GIVE YOUA CHOICE OF A FEW TUMBLRS, AND

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TODECIDE WHICH ONE IS FOR REAL.

FIRST ONE PUBLIC HENEMMIES, ORCLASSIC VILLIANS ARE

IMMORTALIZED IN REAL [BLEEP]TATTOOS, OR MOUSTAIR, WHERE,

QUOTE, MUSTACHE BECOMES HAIRBECOMES MUSTACHE BECOMES HAIR.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> OH -- PUBLIC HENEMIES.

>> CHRIS: WELL, I GOTTA TELLYOU. WHEN IT'S THE INTERNET,

WHEN IN DOUBT, ALWAYS GOMUSTACHE.

MOSUTACHE BECOMES HAIR, SEE.

MUSTCHAE BECOMES MUSTACHEBECOMES HAIR.

>> THAT'S MY NIGHTMARE.

>> THAT IS THE WORST THING IHAVE EVER SEEN.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> CHRIS: ARE OKAY?

>> I WILL MAKE IT.

>> CHRIS: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,MATT?

>> I HAVE SEEN WORSE BUTIT'S REAL CLOSE.

DR. PHIL'S LIKE, GET YOUR LIFETOGETHER.

THE LITTLE HEAD'S LIKE NO, YOUDON'T --

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

>> -- SHOOT UP INTO YOUR PENIS.

>> LISTEN, AS A BALD GUY,WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HAVE

HAIR, BRO.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.OKAY.

NEXT ONE, CHEESE PEOPLE, WHERECELEBS ARE PHOTOSHOPPED INTO

CREAMY CHEESE HEADS, ORSPREE-VERSE, A TERRIBLE POETRY

BLOG FROM FORMER NBAer LATRELLSPREWELL.

BRAUNGER.

>> CHEESE PEOPLE.

>> CHRISE: CHEESE PEOPLE!

(APPLAUSE)

>> OH, NO.>> OH MY GOD.

>> OH, GOD.

>> CHRIS: PERHAPS YOU GUYS AREFAMILIAR WITH CHRISTINA

AGRUYERLA OR SAMUEL PEPPERJACKSON.

TWO OF OUR FINEST CHEESEPERFORMERS.

>> OH.>> CHRIS: IN WISCONSIN.

>> I'M FEVER GOING TO THECHEESE SECTION AT WHOLE

FOODS AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: BUT WOULDN'T YOU LIKETO GET A BLOCK OF CHEESE THAT

SAID MOTHER [BLEEP].

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET THIS[BLEEP] CHEESE OUT THIS MOTHER

[BLEEP] PRODUCE SECTION.

(APPLAUSE)

LAST ONE, A TUMBLR CALLED HARDWICKIDICKIPEDIA THAT

CATALOGS EVERY DICK JOKE I MAKEON THIS SHOW -- SO MANY ENTIRES

HOW, DO YOU EVEN KEEP UP? OR@MIDNIGHT FMK WHERE SOMEONE

PLAYS [BLEEP] MARRY OR KILL WITHTHREE @MIDNIGHT GUESTS.

SARA.

>> OH, @MIDNIGHTFMK.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OF COURSE IT IS!@MIDNIGHT FMK.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HA HA, YES!>> OH NO!

>> LOOK, WITH THAT MUSTACHE ANDTHAT SHIRT I WOULD KILL ME, TOO.

LET'S BE HONEST.

AS WE GOTO OUR NEXT GAME, THE DEAD

TREE SCROLLS, THE DEAD TREESCROLLS.

NOW A LOT OF YOU KIDS MIGHT NOTKNOW THIS, BUT BACK IN THE

TWENTIETH CENTURY, THE INTERNETWAS PRINTED IN GLOSSY LITTLE

BOOKS CALLED MAGAZINES, BUT, MUCH LIKE THE CARRIER

PIGEON, A BETTER METHOD OFTRANSMITTING INFORMATION

EVEOLVED AND WENT COMPLETELYEXTINCT AROUND 2007, I THINK.

WHO CAN REMEMBER ANY MORE?

WAIT, HANG ON A SECOND.

I'M ACTUALLY BEING TOLD THATSOMEHOW THE LAST OF THE

ENDANGERED MAGAZINES GATHEREDTHIS WEAK TO CELEBRATE THE

2015 NATIONAL MAGAZINE AWARDS.

OKAY.

THE CEREMONY WAS HELD IN ACOAL FURNACE OF A RUSTY

STEAM BOAT IN AN AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN BATTLEFIELD AND

HOSTED BY THE BODY OF WALTERMATTHAU.

SERIOUSLY A MAGAZINE AWARDSHOW.

WELL, MAGAZINES. LET'S GIVEME AS MANY ANTIQUATED HONORS

AS YOU CAN IN 60 SECONDS,BEGIN.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE BIG JOHNSON T-SHIRTSAWARD FOR BIGGEST JOHNSON.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

SARA.

>> THE MICROFITCHE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MAZ.

>> THE EIGHT TRACKIES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SARA.

>> ANY JAMIROQUI CONCERT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

,AZ.

>> THE ROTARY PHONIES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> THE SEGA GENESIS "IT'LL NEVERGET BETTER THAN THIS" VIDEO

GAME AWARDS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GOOD CALL,MAN, MAZ.

>> THE RICHARD SIMMONSEXCELLENCE IN AEROBICS

AWARDS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SARA.

>> PAGER CON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> 1956 LUCKY STRIKECIGARETTES FOR HEALTH AWARD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. SARA.

>> THE LAST MOHICAN.