Wednesday, March 9, 2016

  • 03/09/2016

The Tournament of Champions continues as Tom Lennon, Jesse Joyce and Ron Funches pen jokes for "The Family Circus," list #HistoricalTVShows and answer NSFW queries on Reddit.

And now, the bloodshed begins.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

-(applause and cheering)-Funches.

Here's a list of (bleep)people are clicking on.

First up-- girl power.Girl power.

The Internet swooned as onesurprising figure came forward

to celebrate InternationalWomen's Day yesterday:

Chernobyl-Daniel Craig cloneVladimir Putin!

(laughter)

Seen here torturing himself.

(laughter)

In an open letter, Putin wrote:

(with Russian accent):"Dear women,

you possess a mysterious power."

Please note that "mysteriouspower" is not to be confused

with actual poweror civil rights over there.

-(laughter and groaning)-Uh...

Personally, I would saythe most mysterious power

Russian women have is keepingtheir country running

while all the men diein dashcam accidents.

(laughter)

(laughter and groaning)

-(applause and cheering)-Oh, the carnage.

Technically...

technically, he died of alcoholpoisoning right before it.

-That's what happened. That's...-(laughter)

HARDWICK:That's what happened before.

But cold man nipples seemsa little confused by ladies,

so, comedians,what does Putin think

women's mysterious power is?Jesse Joyce.

Their tampons have the powerto summon bears.

(laughter)

Points.

Tom.

(with Russian accent):On the equinox,

womens can anamorphinto form of bat witch

and steal your rhubarb.

HARDWICK:All right, points, yeah.

(applause and cheering)

(laughing):Steal all your rhubarb.

The pluralization of women.

HARDWICK: Aah! Next up-- Harry Potter history.

In preparation of the newHarry Potter-themed movie,

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them--

or, as I like to call it,Chris Hardwick's nerd boners

and where to find them:

in the theater,under the popcorn box,

watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

J.K. Rowling is releasingfour new short stories

about magic in America.

I'm so (bleep) excitedabout this.

FUNCHES:I like it

'cause "Fantastic Beast"is also what I call my boner.

-HARDWICK: Is it?-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Mm-hmm.

The first onewas released Tuesday

about Native Americansand their lack of wands,

but honestly, it's funto imagine an America

where grand wizards aren't justTrump supporters.

(laughter)

Now, we don't know anything

about this more localwizarding school, so comedians,

what are some different chapters

in the North Americanmagic book? Ron Funches.

"J. Edgar Hooverand the Closet of Secrets."

-HARDWICK: Points.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Very good. Very good.

Tom Lennon.

"The Florida PanhandleExpecto Patrón Shots."

(laughter)

It's now time for tonight'sHashtag Wars.

(applause and cheering)

LENNON:Wind that monkey!

Wind that monkey!

One of the shows that people cannot stop talking about this year

-is The People v. O.J. Simpson, which... -(man whoops)

-See?-(laughter)

...which is serving as a historylesson for all the '90s kids

who only remember the trial as

-that thing that interrupted Power Rangers. -(laughter)

Now, the show's already gettingtons of Emmy buzz,

especially for John Travolta'samazing performance,

seen here,as a Silly Putty vampire.

(laughter)

All right, so we're gonnaget in on this trend

of binge-watchable historywith tonight's hashtag

HistoricalTVShows.

Examples might be: Better Call Socrates.

And: We Have Nothing to Fear but Fear the Walking Dead.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Tom Lennon. -Reno 9/11.

-Points. Whoa!-(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

First one on the scene,Officer Dangle.

Uh... Jesse Joyce.

Just Shoot Me, Abraham Lincoln.

(laughter, groaning)

(applause)

Points.

-Ron Funches. -Ally Macbeth.

-Points.-(laughter)

Tom.

It's Always Sunny in Chichen Itza.

Points. Ron Funches.

-Curb Your Dysteria. -Points.

Jesse Joyce.

Kourtney and Kim Take the Lindbergh Baby.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)

Jesse again.

Uh... Mr. Belvedere, Tear Down This Wall.

Points. Ron Funches.

The Fresh Prince of Saudi Arabia.

-Points.-(laughter, applause, whooping)

Tom Lennon.

Malcolm in the Middle Ages.

Points. Jesse.

Rosa Parks and Recreation.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)

It's time to play Circus Folk.Circus Folk.

(cheering)

Big money. Big money.

Last week wasthe 56th anniversary

of the debutof The Family Circus.

-Yeah, that's right.-(laughter)

Oh...

Uh, this is not a...it's not...

I wouldn't call it a...a-a funny comic strip.

It's sort of a, "Oh, I'm gonnasend that to my Aunt Mavis"

kind of a comic strip.

It's an infuriatingly saccharinlittle bubble of family values

that's been a tumoron our nation's funny pages

since the EisenhowerAdministration!

Just take a lookat this (bleep) drivel!

"What do birds doif they are afraid of flying?"

God...!

(laughter)

-(whooping, applause)-(exasperated grunt)

Why was that published?!

This is (bleep), like,

the monologue in Ted Cruz's headmost of the time.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

Thankfully, the TumblrTime is a Flat Circle

has had some funwith the captions.

Uh, "What happened to my head

is not somethingthat gets better."

(laughter)

-I feel it.-Well, we wanted to...

we wanted to get inon the action as well,

so, comedians, I'm gonna showyou a Family Circus cartoon

that we've removedthe joke from--

and I mean loosely, "joke"--and for 250 points,

I want you to give me a new linefor this precious little moment.

All right, first up,this tender scene.

What's going on there, Jesse?

Uh, it's a rectal thermometer?

Now you tell me!

(laughter)

-(whooping, applause)-Yep.

Ron.

Uh, Mom, you can usemy vaporizer,

but you got to useyour own weed.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

(cheering, whooping)

Next up, this family outing.

-Jesse. -Jesus Christ, Dad,I think you killed that guy.

You're not evengonna go back and check?

-(laughter, whooping, applause)-Points.

Tom.

(high-pitched): Is there gonnabe pizza at Mom's funeral?

(laughter)

(applause)

-Ron.-Son, hand me my gun.

Dilbert's cut us offfor the last time.

-(laughter, applause, cheering)-Points. Yep.

Next up,this adorable little exchange.

Ron.

Hey, look, lady, you payfor the dick, not the height.

(laughter, cheering)

(applause, whooping)

HARDWICK:Yes.

(cheering, whistling)

We... It's unfortunatewe just can't hack the site

and put things like thaton there.

Tom.

That's nota Fugazi T-shirt, bitch.

Fugazi doesn't sell T-shirts.

-(laughter, cheering, applause)-MAN: Yeah!

One guy got very excitedabout that.

-Next up...-You and me, guy.

...this imaginative scene.This imaginative scene.

Tom.

I got my third callbackfor Goosebumps 2.

Jesus, who do I got to blowto be in Goosebumps 2?

All right, points.

I think that wouldprobably be R.L. Stine.

-I would imagine.-Really?

And pretty easily done.

-Next up...-Two phone calls.

Next up... Two...Why two phone calls?

Is this the exchange?Yes, get me R.L. Stine.

Hello, this is R.L. Stine.

Why, hello there, I guessthis was one call, wasn't it?

Hello?

You're up, I'm on my way over.

Before the break,

I told you about BostonCollege's complete bust

of a basketball seasonand showed you the saddest

post-interviewin recorded human history,

and then also the guitar stingthat made it even worse

when I asked you to do your own,so, comedians,

what are you gonna take awayas your best memory

from playing basketballat Boston College?

Uh, when...

coach got us thoseKaty Perry tickets.

She's a firework.

(crying)

I guess it was...

the time thatwe went to see Pixels,

with Adam Sandler.

Aah!

(groaning)

My best memory?

I guess...

I guess I'd have to say...

that it was right now.

During this press conference...

when I realized...

that my dickhas been hanging out.

As we go to our next game,

AskReddit: NSFW.

The subreddit AskRedditis a page where users can go

to crowdsource answersto any questions.

'Cause who's more qualifiedto guide you in life

than a guy with the screen nameSonic the Hedgehog's Taint 69?

There's-there's actually an NSFWversion of AskReddit

where users canget answers to queries

regarding their naughtiest bits.

Comedians, I'm gonna read youan actual question

from AskRedditNSFW,and you're gonna answer it

as best you can. First up,what's the weirdest kink

you've ever fantasized about?Jesse Joyce.

Uh, a Japanese teenagerand Ron Funches in a giggle-off.

-Yes!-Points.

Points.

Ugh. Throw some tentaclesin there, we got a story.

Next, how do you surf porn?Ron Funches.

Uh, in a pair of sunglasseswith a cartoon penguin.

Points.

Next up, what's your favoritesex toy? Jesse Joyce.

Uh, either a shih tzu or a pug,

but I'll (bleep) anythingin the toy group.

-Anything.-Points. Very well done.

Next, what is the most badasssexual experience of your life?

Tom Lennon.

The time I paid $1,000and I realized, "Hey,

this isn't a guy in a gorillasuit. This is a gorilla."

Points. Points.

Finally, what movie titlebest describes your sex life?

-Jesse Joyce.-Oh, I wanted to do that one.

-You can do it. Go ahead.-Okay.

-He really wanted that one.-Jesse's passing to Ron Funches.

White Chicks.