Norm Macdonald & Diane Nichols

  • Season 1, Ep 0135
  • 02/24/1992

IS IT RAINING FOR YOU?

( scattered applause )

ANNIE LENNOX JUST...SQUEEZED IT IN THERE.

OUCH, OH.

I SQUEEZED EVERYTHINGIN TONIGHT.

BUT JUST FOR YOU,A SPECIAL THING.

A LITTLE TUCHIS ACTION.

I PROMISED THE TUCHISAND HERE IT IS.

I DON'T WANT TO TURN AROUND

BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME WIREDAND IT'S TACKY.

YOU SEE THE WIRES.

IT RUINS THE ILLUSION

BECAUSE THIS IS AN ILLUSION,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS.

THIS IS COMEDY,THIS IS GLAMOUR, EXCITEMENT.

I DIDN'T KNOWTHERE WAS A BALCONY.

I'M SO...

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,ONCE IN A WHILE, LOOK UP.

YOU NEVER KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE.

I WAS WEARING THIS IN MIAMIAND THE KIDS LOVED IT

AND I THOUGHT, WHY NOTWEAR IT ON COMEDY CENTRAL?

NEW.

VERY VOCAL PEOPLE.

I LOVE YOU-- OVERLY TANNED

AND A LONGER HAIRTHING HAPPENING.

SHORT HAIR GOING INTOA LONGER HAIR THING.

WHICH IS A SEXY LOOK ON A GUY.

YOU KNOW HOWTHEY'RE WORKING THAT.

THEY CAN'T MAKE A DECISION

BECAUSE THEY'REKIND OF GOING BALD.

BUT NOT COMPLETELY.

( cheers )

THEY WANT TO WORKTHAT SHORT HAIR

BUT THEY WANT TOKEEP THE LONG HAIR.

IT'S ALL A BIT OFA BI-LEVEL THING HAPPENING.

LITTLE BIT OF THATBI-LEVEL FANTASY.

AND HERE WE HAVECHRISTIAN SLATER

WHO WON'T TAKEHIS SUNGLASSES OFF.

THROWING US A LOT OF SHADE.

SHADING US DOWN.

KIND OF A CHRISTIAN-SLATER-MEETS-SEAN-PENN THING.

ANGRY YOUNG BOY THING HAPPENING.

BUT HE LAUGHEDIN SPITE OF HIMSELF.

OF COURSE, HE'S WITHHIS GRANDFATHER.

GREAT-- WHAT A REBEL.

IS THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER?

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKYTO BE WITH YOUR GRANDFATHER.

HE'S PROBABLY A VERY NICE MAN

AND COULD TEACH YOUA FEW THINGS, YOUNG MAN.

ABOUT LIFE.

ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE.

WE HAVE A MALCOLM XGLITTER CAP THING HAPPENING.

YOU'RE VERY ANGRY.

VERY BITTER ABOUTTHE WHOLE DAMN THING.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT,BUT YOU'RE BITTER.

( laughter )

"I'M GOING TO WEAR THIS CAP

AND I'M GOING TO BE BITTERIF IT KILLS ME."

THAT'S WHAT HE'S THINKING.

I LOVE YOU TWO.

YOU'RE MESMERIZED.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I'VE NEVERSEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE."

NO, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

I LIKE THE VIBE HERE TONIGHT.

IT'S VERY LOOSE.

IT'S VERY... IT'S SWINGING.

♪ WE'RE GOINGTO SWING TONIGHT. ♪

GONNA SWING FROM A STAR

♪ ZOI-DOI, N-DOI-YOI,BAP, DOI, YEAH ♪

WE'RE GOING TO MOVE AND GROOVEAND SWING WITH YOU.

♪ WOW!

♪ ON THE A LIST, THE A LIST, THE A LIST, YEAH! ♪

( applause )

I'M, UH, TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING.

EVER TRY THAT?

THAT'S A HELL OF A THING, OH!

I BEEN SMOKINGSINCE I WAS KID.

I ALWAYS REMEMBER SMOKING...

I REMEMBER ONE TIME,I WAS A LITTLE KID.

I WAS SIX OR EIGHT OR TENOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS--EVEN NUMBER--

I WAS BEHIND MY GARAGESNEAKING A CIGARETTE--

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT--MY DAD SHOWED UP.

I MAY FORGET ONE DAY,BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

MY DAD'S BIG HEAD SHOWED UPAROUND THE CORNER OF THE GARAGE.

THERE IT WAS--MY DAD'S BIG HEAD.

AND THEN HIS BODY.

THERE WAS HIS BODYTRAILING HIS HEAD.

SO HE GRABBED MEAND HE HAULED ME IN

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN FORTHE STRAPPING OF MY LIFE.

HE PULLED OUT THIS BIG CIGAR--

MUST HAVE BEEN HALFTHE SIZE OF MY ARM--

STUCK IT IN MY MOUTH,LIT IT UP, MADE ME SMOKE IT

ALL THE WAY THROUGH,RIGHT TO THE END.

THAT'S WHEN I STARTEDSMOKING CIGARS REAL HEAVY.

( laughter )

BACKFIRED ON HIM.

THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER TIME,NOW THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME, BUTI WAS BEHIND MY GARAGE AGAIN.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT.

THERE I WAS, AND I WAS SMOKINGA BIG, FAT JOINT BACK THERE.

AND, UH-- DON'T DO DRUGS--

AND MY DAD...

( laughter )

MY DAD'S BIG HEADSHOWED UP AGAIN.

NO BODY THIS TIME.

JUST A BIG HEAD.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART.

AND HE GRABBED MEAND HE HAULED ME IN

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN FORTHE STRAPPING OF MY LIFE.

HE INJECTED ME WITH HEROIN.

( laughter )

OH...

HE WAS A STRICT MAN,I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

STRICT BUT FAIR.

OH, LORD LOVE A DUCK, THOUGH.

TRYING TO QUIT.

EVERYTHING I CAN DOTO QUIT SMOKING.

MY DOCTOR, HE'S TRYINGTO SCARE ME OUT OF SMOKING.

MY DOC... SHOWED ME A PICTURE--A SMOKER'S LUNG.

HO! IT WAS GROSSAND DISGUSTING.

THEN HE SHOWED ME A PICTURE,HEALTHY GUY'S LUNG.

HO! IT WAS GROSSAND DISGUSTING.

( laughter )

TURNS OUT IT WAS JUST LUNGS.

THEY'RE GROSS AND DISGUSTING.

THAT'S WHY THEY PUT THEMON THE INSIDE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOKAT THEM ALL THE TIME.

PUT THEM UNDER YOUR JACKET.

TRIED THIS ONE THING TO QUITSMOKING-- AVERSION THERAPY.

I WENT TO THIS HYPNOTIST.

HE PUT ME UNDER A SPELL

ONE OF THEM HYPNOTICHYPNOSISES THERE.

AND EVERY TIME I HADA CRAVING FOR A CIGARETTE

I WOULD THROW UP.

( laughter )

VERY EMBARRASSING RIGHTAFTER SEX, I'LL TELL YOU.

( laughter )

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FIND IT PRETTY HARD TO GETTHAT SECOND DATE AFTER THAT.

THEY DON'T WANT TO GO NEAR YOU.

GIRLS GET ALL SNOBBY AFTERYOU BARF ON THEM, YOU KNOW?

ALL NOSE UP IN THE AIR, SNOOTY.

FINE WHEN YOU'RE NOTBARFING ON THEM.

YOU EVER SEE THIS?

BIG BODY-BUILDING CONTEST--MR. WORLD.

IF THIS GUY WINS IT,HE'S THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

HE'S MR. WORLD.

AT THE END, THEY SAY,"DON'T MISS NEXT MONTH:

THE MR. UNIVERSE CONTEST."

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS

BUT I'M PUTTING MY MONEYON MR. WORLD ON THIS ONE.

I FIGURE HE'S A SHOO-IN WITHHIS HOME-PLANET ADVANTAGE.

( laughter )

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

YOU EVER SEE ON SPORTS

WHERE THEY TRY TO COMBINETWO SPORTS TOGETHER

MAKE A NEW SPORT?

THEY DON'T EVEN GO TOGETHER

LIKE, RUN A HUNDRED-YARD DASHAND THEN... FISH.

GUY'S...

( laughter )

GUY'S...

FISHING IN A CRICK OVER THERE.

WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON THERE?

SAW CLIFF DIVING.

THERE'S A HELL OF A SPORT.

GUY DIVING OFF A CLIFF.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

WHAT THE HELL KINDOF SPORT IS THAT?

THERE'S NO WAY OF TELLINGWHO'S THE BETTER CLIFF DIVER.

JUST A BUNCH OF GUYSDIVING OFF A CLIFF.

IF YOU SURVIVE AT ALL, YOU'REA PRETTY GOOD CLIFF DIVER.

YOU'RE A GREAT CLIFF DIVER.

THERE'S ONLY TWO CATEGORIESIN CLIFF DIVING.

THERE'S GRAND CHAMPIONAND STUFF ON A ROCK.

( laughter )

TOUGH SPORT TO MAKE A COMEBACKIN, I'LL TELL YOU.

OH...

YOU THINK HOLMESIS HAVING IT TOUGH.

YOU EVER TRY NOT LYING?

OH, THAT'S A TOUGH THING.

MAN, I'M TRYING NOTTO LIE FOR NO REASON.

YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES...

USUALLY THERE'SA PURPOSE TO YOUR LIES

LIKE YOU WANT TO PROTECTSOMEBODY'S FEELINGS

OR SCREW OVERYOUR BUDDY LARRY OR SOMETHING.

( laughter )

YOU EVER LIEFOR NO REASON AT ALL?

JUST ALL OF A SUDDENA BIG LIE JUST...

SPILL OUT OFYOUR EVIL HEAD THERE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

A GUY WILL COME UP TO YOU

"HEY, YOU EVER SEE THAT MOVIEWITH MERYL STREEP AND A HORSE?"

AND YOU GO, "YES."

( laughter )

IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD YOU GO

"WHAT THE HELLAM I LYING ABOUT OVER HERE?"

( smattering of applause )

I STAND TO GAIN NOTHINGBY THIS LIE.

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKINGBACK HERE IN MY HEAD?

I WAS READING A THINGIN THE PAPER.

BADDEST GUY I EVER READ ABOUT.

GUY KILLED HIS WHOLE FAMILY--

KILLED HIS WHOLE FAMILYBECAUSE THE DEVIL TOLD HIM TO.

IMAGINE KILLING YOUR FAMILYBECAUSE THE DEVIL TOLD YOU.

THEN YOU GO TO THE DEVIL,"DEVIL, I DID AS YOU INSTRUCTED.

"I KILLED MY FAMILY.

"SLAUGHTERED THEMAS THEY LAY SLEEPING.

"CHOPPED THEM UP.

"HERE THEY AREIN A DUFFLE BAG.

"I'LL BURY THEM TONIGHT

"AT THE SHALLOW GRAVEBY THE RAILROAD TRACK

"AS YOU HAVE COMMANDED

OH, LORD HOSTOF THE HOARY NETHERWORLD."

THEN THE DEVILPULLS OFF A MASK.

"IT'S ME, BOB."

( laughter )

AND YOU GO, "HUH! BOB!

YOU GOT ME THERE,BOB, YOU GOT ME."

( laughter )

"GOT MY FAMILYIN A DUFFLE BAG HERE.

THAT'S ONE FOR YOU THERE, BOB."

I JUST GOT BACK FROM SWEDEN

WHERE A LOT OF GIRLS ARE SHAVINGTHEIR HEAD LIKE SINEAD O'CONNOR

WHICH I ENCOURAGED.

I ENCOURAGE ALL NATURAL BLONDESTO SHAVE THEIR HEAD.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOODLOOK FOR YOU, INGA.

WHY WOULD A PRETTY GIRLDO THAT TO HERSELF?

FIRST TIME I SAWSINEAD O'CONNOR

I THOUGHT IT WAS SQUEAKY FROMME.

I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, THATMANSON GIRL HAS A VIDEO.

SHOULDN'T SEE STILL BEIN PRISON?"

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHOSE HEADI'D LIKE TO SHAVE?

HEATHER LOCKLEAR.

( applause )

WAIT FOR THE REASON.

SHE HAD THIS COMMERCIAL I HATED.

SHE'D LOOK RIGHT ATTHE CAMERA AND SAY...

"I JUST LOVE TO COMPETEAT THE BEACH."

GET ME A CROSSBOW.

I'LL SHOW HEATHERA LITTLE COMPETITION.

PERHAPS SOME SKEET SHOOTING.

HEY, HEATHER-- PULL!

HEATHER FELL DOWN.

BYE, HETH.

SEE, I GUESS I'M NOT ATHLETIC.

I GAVE UP SPORTS EARLY.

MY LAST BUNGEE JUMP WAS BIRTH.

( laughter )

( applause )

PLEASE-- THEY CUTTHE CORD ON ME.

I'LL NEVER TRUST THEM AGAIN.

I LIKE CHER'S ATTITUDE.

I DO, BUT, YOU KNOW,HER ENTIRE BEHIND IS TATTOOED.

THEY DID A CLOSEUPOF IT ON 20/20.

I THINK IT'SA LAURA ASHLEY PATTERN.

I SAID TO MY FRIEND LUCY,"AREN'T THOSE YOUR DISHES?

"I RECOGNIZE THAT PATTERN.

"THAT'S BLUE WILLOW, ISN'T IT?

"OH, MY GOD, CHERHAS A SALAD PLATE

TATTOOED TO HER ASS."

NOW SHE HAS A BIG KNIFETATTOOED DOWN THIS ARM.

SHE SHOULD JUSTPUT A FORK OVER HERE

AND SHE CAN TURN AROUND AND GO,"DINNER... IS SERVED."

YOU SEE, I'M JUST ANGRYAT ALL OF THEM.

THEY ALL HAVE BOOKS.

HAVE YOU READ VANNA SPEAKS?

DID YOU KNOW VANNA SPEAKS?

WELL, APPARENTLY SHE TYPES ALSO.

HERE'S HER ADVICE.

SHE SAID, "LADIES,WHEN TAKING A SHOWER

"LET THE WATER RUSH IN,STRIKE YOUR TEETH.

IT ACTS AS A WATER PIK."

WOW.

( laughter )

I GUESS IF I LEAN AGAINSTTHE WALL, I'M IRONING MY SKIRT.

( laughter )

WE MUST STOP HERBEFORE VANNA SPEAKS AGAIN.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSEHAS A BOOK OUT?

THAT BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS,JANE SEYMOUR

THE BRITISH GIRL FROMTHE LE JARD COMMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW: ♪ LE JARDIN ♪

FOR WOMEN WHO WANTTO SMELL LIKE THE GARDEN.

ISN'T THAT MULCH?

I WANT TO SMELL LIKE LE FLEUR NOT LE DIRT.

JANE'S BOOK IS ONE OF THOSE BIG,GLOSSY COFFEE TABLE BOOKS

AND DON'T MEN JUST APPRECIATEA GOOD COFFEE TABLE BOOK?

THAT'S LIKE A VERY TALLCOASTER TO THEM.

HEY, THE BEER ISSO MUCH CLOSER TO MY MOUTH.

( laughter )

A HIGH CHAIR FOR THE BREWSKI.

THANKS, BABE.

HER BOOK IS LIVING ROMANTICALLY.

I DON'T KNOW,SHOULD I BUY THIS BOOK?

DO MEN WANT TO LIVEROMANTICALLY?

( laughter )

USUALLY A WOMANANSWERS THAT QUESTION.

WOMEN HAVE A HABITOF ANSWERING FOR MEN.

WHICH IS WHY I'M GLAD GOD GAVETHE TEN COMMANDMENTS TO A MAN.

HE DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

A WOMAN WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

"WELL, I KNOWTHAT'S WHAT HE SAID

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINKTHAT'S WHAT HE MEANT."

I THINK IF YOU'LL WATCH ANY KINDOF SPORTING EVENT WITH A MAN

HE'S HAPPY.

AND IF... AND IFYOU CAN ANTICIPATE

WHEN HE WANTS THAT NEXT BEER

BEFORE HE HAS TO ASKFOR IT, ♪ LE JARDIN ♪

HONEY, YOU ARELIVING ROMANTICALLY.

THIS IS ALL A MAN WANTS.

THIS IS ALL HE NEEDS.

JUST SIT DOWNAND WATCH THE GAME.

AND, OH, YEAH, SHUT UP!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO YAPDURING THE BIG PLAYS?

( laughs )

I WANT TO.

I WANT TO DISCUSSOUR RELATIONSHIP

AND WHERE WE THINK IT'S GOING.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO VACUUM.

( laughter )

( applause )

AND THEN I CALL UP HIS MOM

AND SAY, "HON, JOE WANTSTO SPEAK WITH YOU."

I KNOW, THAT'S MEAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT HISFAVORITE SPORT IS?

THE INDIANAPOLIS 500.

FIVE HOURS OF MENGOING IN A CIRCLE.

IT'D BE A MOREINTERESTING RACE

IF THEY BROKE OFF AND DROVEIN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

THEY'RE GREAT--THEY PRESS RIGHT ON.

AND THEN THEY POP RIGHT OFF.

YOU FIND THEM DAYS LATERIN YOUR UNDERWEAR.

IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, HON,I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE.

ISN'T THAT YOUR THUMBNAILIN YOUR PANTYHOSE?"

WOMEN, HAS THAT EVERHAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU LOOK DOWN AND SEE SOMETHINGCAUGHT IN YOUR STOCKING LEG.

IT'S LIKE,"OH, MY GOD, A PENNY."

( laughter )

WHO MADE A WISHWHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?

I GUESS I COME FROMTHAT GENERATION

KIND OF GREW UP ON COSMO.

BECAUSE I WASVERY SHY, ACTUALLY.

I REFUSED TO HAVEMY FIRST EXPERIENCE

WITH ANOTHER VIRGIN.

I THOUGHT TWO PEOPLECRYING IN THE SAME CAR

WOULD ATTRACT ATTENTION.

BUT COS WAS MY BIBLE.

THIS WAS THE ADVICETHEY GAVE, COSMO.

THEY SAID WOMEN SHOULDPUT ON WET UNDERWEAR

UNDER THEIR CLOTHES...

BECAUSE THIS WILL MAKEYOUR DRESS CLING LIKE SKIN.

I TRIED THAT.

( laughter )

I WALKED INTO A PARTY

WITH WETNESS SEEPINGTHROUGH MY CLOTHES.

YOU THINK MY DATETHOUGHT I WAS SEXY?

HE SAID, "OH, MY GOD,YOU SWEAT LIKE A HORSE."

( laughter )

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