RETURN JULY 2014
Dillon Garcia isn't the best at hide-and-seek, and Paul Varghese doesn't want to talk about "Slumdog Millionaire" anymore.
and, uh, for me, this is cool,
because I've been coming herefor so long, and it's nice
to walk into placesand have people freak out.
I'm not gonna lie.It does something for me.
And I'm walking into McDonald's,and they're losing it.
"What are you doing here?!"
I'm, like... "Hello!
I have one, too."
But now I find myselfabusing the power.
You know, I get to the register,
and they're freaking out,you know.
"Are you Gabriel Iglesias?"
I'm, like, "I don't know.Is the food free?"
"Yes, it is."
And, like, for me,the best hook-up so far,
best hook-up has beenat Disney.
Oh, man, I showed up.
People were giving mefree stuff left and right.
You know, I'm therewith my family,
and they were loving it--free sodas, hats and stuff.
And people kept walking up.
"Can we take a picture?Can we take a picture?"
You know, and I'm not oneof those, you know. I'm not.
I'm not one of those, you know,"No! Get away! Get away!"
Nuh-uh. I didn't get attentionas a kid, so now it's on.
All day, picture, picture,picture, picture, picture.
And seriously, highlight for mewas watching two kids
walk past Disney charactersto get to me.
Oh, and they were hating.They were hating!
I could hear 'em, too.
(high-pitched laughing):Bull... Son of a... mother...
All day, picture,picture, picture,
and all it took was one kid,one to crush me.
Yeah, just humbled youreally quick.
You know, he walked up to me,he's all, you know,
"Oh, my God,I just saw you on TV!
Oh, can I take a picture?""Let's do it, bro."
"Oh, my God, this is so cool.This is so cool.
"I can't wait to tell my dad
I took a picture with the guythat repossesses cars."
(applause and cheering)
(cheering and applause)
(applause, cheeringand whistling)
Ladies and gentlemen,from Operation Repo,
the star, Mr. Lou Pizarro.
Hey, what's up?
(applause, cheeringand whistling)
No hombre, dude.
You look like you've beenrepossessing quesadillas, bro.
to be doing this show.
I've been giventhis opportunity,
and I want to share itwith as many
of my personal friendsthat are comics.
And it's gonna be a good time,you guys.
And it was a really big fightwith the network
to come upwith a title for the show.
'Cause when they find out,you know, it was me,
and that I was gonna have a fewof my "amigos" on the show,
automatically, they triedto put a catchy name for it.
Anytime comedy clubs, networks,theaters get together,
and there's morethan one minority on a show,
they always wantto put a catchy name.
You know, for as long asI've been performing in Arizona,
anytime I do a show and there'smore than three Latinos,
Latino night, Hispanic night.
You know, Mojado Monday,or Taco Tuesday,
or Wetback Wednesday,or Tortilla Thursday,
of Fiesta Friday,or Sábado Gigante!
But they do that to everybody.
That happensto African-Americans, as well.
They'll call the showUrban Night, Apollo Night,
Def Jam Comedy Night,
but that's as faras they'll take it.
They won't take it to the nextlevel like they will for us,
'cause you know, there's peoplefighting for black rights.
We don't have anyone.We got Repo.
And he's got his own agenda,you know?
I guarantee you,
my African-American brothersand sisters,
you will never seea Malt Liquor Monday.
Or Tupac Tuesdayor Watermelon Wednesday, or...
♪ Tong-ta, tong-tong Thursday.
Or Fried Chicken Friday,or Suki Suki Saturday,
or Slap-a-Ho Sunday.
(applause and cheering)
Uh-uh. And that most definitelywould never happen to rednecks.
(laughter and groaning)
He got quiet.(laughter)
I'm gonna do the joke.
'Cause it'll never happen.
You'll never hearof a Monster Truck Monday,
or a Trailer Park Tuesday,or White Trash Wednesday,
or Take-Your-Sister-OutThursday, you know.
Look it. Look it. Look it.
"Oh, hell, no, Fluffy!
"You done crossed a line now.
"I'm from Apache Junction.
Hey, what up, ladies? Hey.
What's up?You like that right there?
You know what they say.
Once you go chubby, you wantto make him your hubby, right?
Once you sleep with fatty,you're gonna call him Daddy.
It's the rules.
It's good, though, man.
It's real good to be out here.
Got a bunch of guys who wearclothes that fit them.
'Cause I'm from Hollywood.
All I see is grown menwearing skinny jeans.
And I try to fit into the crowd,
but I don't fit into the jeans.
Women are ridiculous.
I love you, but you're crazy.
You guys sure dosome crazy things.
A girl will get with youand leave you
for the exact same reason,you know that?
Like, with me,I'm a comedian.
Girls get with mebecause I'm a comedian,
and then they leave me becauseeverything's a joke to me.
Hey, come on, baby,you didn't see that coming?
And I'm young,
but I feel old--you guys ever get that feeling?
(audience agreeing)I can only imaginehow you feel,
but I feel that way sometimes.
I mean, come on,look at Martin--
he's sitting down already,he's not even standing up.
(laughter, whooping, applause)
Sarge in the house.
It's good, though, man.I want to go back to the days
where you had no worries, man.
Where you didn't haveto worry about no bills,
you didn't have to worryabout none of that.
Where you're just playingstreet games with your friends,
like hide-and-seek--you guys remember hide-and-seek?
(audience shouts)Man, I usedto hide behind things
that I couldn't fit behind.
I'm standing behinda mailbox or a telephone pole
(quietly):Hey, fool, where's he at?
I love you guys.
We used to play freeze tag, too.
You guys remember freeze tag?
black women always so busy?
For real, they're always going,
"Man, I ain't got timefor this (bleep)."
Baby, you're at a bus stop.
You got a little bitof time for me.
I wish I had, like, a...like, a designated black person
to follow me around to saythe stuff I wantto say...
but I can't.
'Cause black people don't havefilters, they just say it.
Can you imagine that?
Like, I'm breaking upwith a girl.
"You know what, baby, uh,
"economy's gettingreal tough right now.
"I just, it's gettingreal hard for me, I just...
I just can't do it,"and the black guy
comes out of nowhere,he's, like,
"Bitch, you ugly.
"That's whathe was trying to say.
But he ain't black."
Last thing, man--you guys all know
black people always talklike they're putting on lotion?
You know that, right? They go,"Hey, man, you remember that
"we was talking about last week,player, remember what we
"was talking about?We're fittin' do it really big,
"homie-- I ain't messingwith you no more, cuz.
(cheering, whooping)"Come on, now.
Hey, come on, man."
don't think all of a suddenyou can relate to me,
like we have this... likewe have this magical connection.
I get this, literally, oncea week for the last three years.
"Oh, my God, you're Indian?
Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?"
(laughter)And that's wrong,
'cause you wouldn't do itto anybody else.
"Oh, my God, you're black? Haveyou seen Big Momma's House?"
"Oh, my God,you are so damn ugly--
have you seen Shrek?"
"Oh, my God,you only have one leg.
Have you seen Footloose?"
The last time I flew,I actually had
a guy tap me on my shoulderand he yelled at me.
He told me to turn my iPod off'cause it was too loud.
Yelled at me in frontof all the passengers.
Turned around,it was a black guy.
He was doing the thing
that some black guys have doneto me in the past.
They think since I'm not black,
they can be aggressiveand yell at me,
and I'll be scaredand intimidated and back off,
but I wasn't scaredand I didn't back off.
You know why?
Black guys are intimidatingon the ground.
I'm a brown man on a plane;this is where I intimidate.
Like the,like the sky is my hood.
my whole life.
I am-- nobody ever believesI'm Christian
'cause I look like this.
I'm not a good Christian,though.
I'm not going to Heaven.
Based off today's performance,not going.
This morningI tried to read the Bible,
fell asleep three verses in.
I was out.
That book is boring.
You know how you knowthe Bible's boring?
It's the only book ever writtenthat they've made movies out of,
like Passion of the Christand The Ten Commandments,
and not once has anybodyever said, "Dude,
the book was way betterthan the movie."
My friend's a Jehovah's Witness.
He got all pissed at me'cause he tried to tell me
a knock-knock jokeand I ignored him.
(cheering and applause)Um...
I should've openedwith that joke.
Feeling old, people.
I finally realized why--I-I think I'm young.
I realizedthat I'm not young today.
Okay, I have a cousinin the seventh grade
who gave me his school picture.
He looked amazing.
You know how they takeschool pictures
in the seventh grade now?
They bring in a digital camera,
they take ten shotsof every single kid,
the kid gets to run aroundto the back of the camera
right there, pick which onehe wants, and then out the door.
Anybody remember how stressfulour picture day was?
It wasn't ten shots,it was what?
Thank you guys very much, y'all.
Thank you very much,I appreciate it, guys.